While fairly modest by the latest technical and design standards, this website represents the most challenging computer project of my entire life. This is because of the frightening difficulty of trying to reconcile constructive logical thinking with destructive heart breaking emotions. Literally polar opposite forces, each opposing the successful execution of the other.

I tried my best to leave the emotions out of the technical construction but there was no real escape. How many pages would there be, and what would be their content and purpose? Impossible to separate the opposing forces so I just had to work extra hard just trying to hold everything together. The internal struggles and pain required to complete this modest website pushed me to my limits and beyond, making it a miracle I was able to get it working at all. But I had to succeed Lucy, for I cannot let your deception and lies to my daughter win the day. You quite literally forced me to do this.

Now the site is complete and its just a matter of adding the content over time. The primary purpose is to make sure Teagan gets to find out who her Dad is (or was), and to show the only reason he wasn't there for her is because her Mum would not allow it. Lucy has gone for the total blackout approach. My name is not on the birth certificate, and Teagan has not been allowed to see even a glimpse of me at all for 6 years. But very little of this website is exactly child friendly. The default landing (or home) page is really all there could be for her for now.

But that's nowhere near enough. The secondary priority was to give Teagan a chance to make contact with me even at her young age during this blackout era. To this end a simple messaging page has been included, that even a 7 year old should be able to operate once found. This is an extraordinary feature of our times. Any other method to try and make contact with my daughter would likely be illegal in some way. There are no real options for estranged fathers other than the legal route, which is not fit for purpose and in the end just an illusion of justice.

A factual dump of the history of exactly what happened was essential. The history page gives an honest an account of what happened backed up with real evidence and kept to this very day. Teagan has an absolute right to know exactly what happened, when she is old enough to understand it. So the history page had to be there. It was terribly difficult to relive those awful memories. A terrible strain on my physical and mental health carefully reconstructing the story of exactly how Teagan had her father stolen from her. I wish in some way there was a really good reason why this happened, but for nothing other than what appears to be Lucy's vanity and cruelty, there are no words to adequately describe the hole this will leave in Teagan's heart. To take away her Daddy for no real reason... its horrific.

The Ashington page is a desperate plea to whoever to put whatever pressure on Lucy to do the right thing. I hope to be active in the area advertising the website until Teagan knows of its existence. At that point I will stop the marketing campaign, and I will not stop unless struck down dead until she does. I hope I don't bring any unnecessary disruption the people of Ashington, but I cannot do nothing now. I have a technical backend to the website that will give me a good idea as to when Teagan has got the message, but it is not perfect and so a confirmation Teagan knows would be appreciated if I have any friends out there.

The blog page was mostly left till last. As mentioned in the previous article, this has been the most haunting aspect of the tortuous experience all these years. On a technical note I simply put the content and the code into the database, where normally only content would go. I know this is wrong, but I still think it was the right decision, for it allows each article to be completely independent of code changes in other areas. Plus the terrifyingly difficult emotive nature of the task made it impossible to go for the most rational approach. It was really hard adding all the photos of Teagan's presents which I'm fairly sure she never got any of, which added to the emotional difficulty of the task.

So there it is, the justification and design decisions required to construct this site. Somehow I have managed to keep my mental and physical strength together to complete the task. I should feel good about that but in truth I don't feel good at all. This task has driven me to the limits of endurance and suffering, and I'm not at all sure I will ever completely recover. But this represents my absolute duty to my only child, even if it were to kill me.

There was only one weakness in Lucy's blackout strategy. She went for an information blackout in the information age. The only fundamental flaw of her evil endeavour. So for now, this wraps up the most difficult task I have ever undertaken, and I am sure it will make all the difference to Teagan to help make sense of her life after the lies she should not have been subject to have all been unravelled.

As originally written, this article ended here, but I have gone through so much pain and difficulty getting this site written that there was too much sad stuff for Teagan to see. So I decided to add them here, to consolidate all my thoughts during development in one avoidable place. The smart move may have been not to post them, but I come to this situation with open hands and faced a terrible struggle. So the following articles show how much pain I endured to bring this light of hope that I may one day soon see my little girl and have the chance to be happy.

Turning point.. no going back!

Another difficult phase that I must write a letter to the blog box to capture forever.

I was stunned to find that upon completion of this all important website that I was not at all happy with my achievement. I felt terrible. Rationally I should be pleased. My promise to my little girl fulfilled. Four web programming technologies learned and understood. The only realistic means by which I can reach out to my Teagan has been completed. I should be on top of the world. But I find myself lost at sea with very little will to live.

Am I incapable of being happy with doing the right thing? Am I even doing the right thing? Have I become obsessed? Am I still at least as sane as when I started? Was I ever? I cannot believe I don't feel even a little bit good for the achievement.

I tried to switch off for a bit, to get away from the computer and find something else to do, and a total inability to occupy my mind with anything else made me realise there is no deviating from the path I must follow.

I looked back at the website and realised that some important content needed rewriting. This is my best chance to meet my precious only child, and nothing short of perfect wording will do. In order to write the best words one must be clear on the objectives. Well the primary objective is to give Teagan the critical truths about her Dad should I not live long enough to see my little girl.

But there's more that could be achieved. It could force a situation where I get to see Teagan soon while alive. It's the only thing that could. So what do I go for? Appeal to Lucy's sense of mercy? Appeal to the family in general to do the right thing? There is no evidence any of these strategies would work. There is sadly enough evidence to the contrary to make me abandon such efforts.

This leaves one last roll of the dice. Apply as much pressure as is possible to inflict over the internet. Potentially so much pressure, that Lucy finally sees reason and decides that in Teagan's best interest, she gets to see her Dad and this site gets taken down before Teagan has to go through the shock of finding out the truth for herself.

See that's what we need to test here, to break this terrible dynamic. The claim is I'm not allowed to see Teagan as its not in an innocent little girl's 'best interest' to have her Dad in her life. Will Lucy really make Teagan have to find out the truth for herself from this website? Will Lucy protect the happy school life that Teagan enjoys by making sure she doesn't find out about her Dad through one of her school friend's phones? Or will Lucy keep on reducing the quality and richness of her own child's life just to spite her Dad?

Yes, these are the important questions that need answers. This is why I was not happy with the website. Nowhere near enough pressure on Lucy and her wider family. So some major rewriting had to be undertaken with that in mind.

And so now the time has come to ask those questions. Lucy showed no mercy to me or Teagan. A sad story it is because that is how I feel about the total loss of my only child. I will stop at nothing for a chance to see my little angel. This is not obsession, its commitment to doing the most important thing in my life. And to doing the right thing.

I read the Ashington page to my Mum over the phone earlier, and it actually sounded quite good. I need the best words for my best girl and for the first time my critical nature was content. If I were a resident of Ashington I would have felt quite fired up after reading that. Good. I need all the help I can get. I have found my fluent tongue when I needed it the most. That in itself marks my readiness for the battle to come.

And so from dark despair to hopefully some pride and confidence. Its not about what I achieve. Its about that look in Teagan's eyes. That look of knowing her Dad did all he could. It truly is all that matters now. I will pay any price or suffer any pain as long as I can definitely have that look whenever I see her.

Conversely I simply could not live with myself if that look had any trace of doubt. Doing nothing would invite that look of doubt! Unacceptable given the torment I have been through. Teagan must know I did all I could. That future look is everything to me now, and nothing else matters nor shall be compromised for it.

Time to pretend to be happy

Now at last I have to put all the sad thoughts and feeling behind me. Why would a happy seven year old girl want to read sad things? If I hope to establish communication with my happy Teagan then this website must be a happy place for her to come to. I know this and yet have still had to tell the truth, for without that, words are meaningless and likely to be lies. So now the truth has been declared, and now because Teagan will need to see it, now I must put a happy mask on and pretend to be happy for Teagan's sake.

And so all my content from here on in, will be moderated by a standard of imagined happiness. I am sure I will make mistakes, but I will try my best to focus on what could be, rather than what has been. This will be good for both Teagan and myself I think. This need to put on a happy face may seem inherently obvious, not requiring mention or explanation or even a post to this blog dedicated to this cause.

But it is absolutely needed. More for me than perhaps anyone else. It must serve as a promise to myself and Teagan that from now on I must present happiness of some kind. If I can succeed at pretending to be happy, then I might actually get the chance to meet my Teagan and actually be happy for real. That is what I have to hope for, that will be my best chance.

Another reason this post is needed is I'm flying the flag of honesty and living (hopefully) by the sword of trying to do the right thing. If I had just presented a happy illusion because that's the only thing a happy seven year old girl should see, then how am I any different from Lucy?

I have had to take the decision to make what should be a private family matter very public just to be able to have a chance at making contact with my only child. This puts me under the spotlight just as much as Lucy, as it should be, and makes me subject to the same questions and critique as Lucy, just as it should.

And so I declare under this spotlight that all subsequent posts will have happy decoration in the words. They will not be outright lies, I will be as true to the words as can be, but this comes at the price of no longer being able to share exactly what I think or feel. This post marks the end of the dedication to the truth at whatever cost that is. And that price is always a high price to pay, but sometimes for the good of the innocent children, it is the price that has to be paid.

I hope anyone reading this understands this need for happier illusions and times, and will forgive me from departure from the truth. I think if somehow this website led to my being able to meet my dearest and only Teagan, then the happy writings and thoughts and experiences will all actually be real again.

Yes, for now I will must do the happy illusions, and wear a happy mask for Teagan. I will announce in a post in the future if the happiness became real, and I can go back to being able to speak freely without the need for the protective mask. There are a few things I'm trying to change about my life that will make me happier in time, but I will save them for the next post to Teagan.

For that post must be much happier, one that makes her want to be with her Dad, and I couldn't bear for that post to be all illusions. There will at least be some truths in it, that I can elaborate while leaving out the sad parts.

And so at last the end of painful truth for hopefully a greater good and perhaps even a happy future. And I will have learned something new if this trade-off actually leads to real happiness.

A coping strategy

This article is entirely for my own benefit. I will not place it in chronological order just in case a miracle happens. I desperately need a coping strategy in order to stay alive.

The name Teagan is meant to be the most special precious person in my life. But because of the torture of never being able to see or know her, it is instead a word that represents unbearable pain and suffering and mental torture. It is a word that destroys my physical and mental health. It is like the secret code word used to disable a potent artificial intelligence in the science fiction realms. The override/kill switch. If Teagan were a person then I would know something about who she is. So logically she is not, its just a word invented to inflict as much agony and torture on me possible.

The word Teagan is now more like a verb. A verb describing an extreme form of child abuse that is encouraged by the system whereby an imaginary child is used as a brutal weapon against its father. Also if this verb became a noun, an actual person, it would likely be a clone of its mother and so be as terrifying in form as it was in concept. As such I must simply not think of this word or allow people to mention it to me. That must be the first rock upon which my survival strategy must be built.

So with no children now, and no hope of escaping a flat that causes cluster headaches, I have to find a way of coping with the toxic environment in which I live too. I have to kill a tree for it is me or the tree. A tree that conspires with the low light flat to make sure I get no light at all. A cluster headache tree. I have no means of escaping my problem environment.

For some reason I am the only child in my family who hasn't been bailed out when things got hard, and had success bought for them. For some reason I am expected to succeed where none of the others could. Unfortunately I have not been able to meet this expectation, and the inevitable housing association flat with bars at the window is the only place I could have ended up.

That's the environment so what about the positives. The plus side of my no-win situation is I don't have to suffer the indignity and additional suffering of old age. I have no garden to retire to, and the physical and mental health damage I have taken saves me from having to face excessively drawn out suffering,

Realistically I got about two to five years left in me. The good news is I got decent disability benefits so these last years wont be spent in poverty. I have actually got an award for next nine years, all the way till Teagan would be sixteen if she were a person, so its a shame much of this will be lost. Money has no use in the better realms though, so this is of no real consequence.

More good news is Lucy wont get her final moment of malice by sending me the Teagan concept at sixteen only to show she was a real person after all and that I had missed every second of her childhood. Luckily that scenario will never happen. There is no scenario in which it could happen. Teagan can only become my only child if she reaches out and tells me she wants and loves her Dad. If she doesn't want me as a child when I still have some life in me then she won't want me as a destroyed old man who has no life left.

So its all about two to five years of keeping myself distracted. I must abandon my cautious and careful nature and go for full reckless instead, after all, there is nothing to lose and even less to save. Interesting the system penalties for trying something crazy have no meaning because there is no way I will live long enough to serve their worst sentences. The lack of effective penalty therefore opens up options that weren't available to me as a younger man with hopes and dreams. That's a whole new world of unexplored possibilities. Surely enough to keep me busy and distracted for the few years I have left.

I would prefer of course to live a different life, but my life is in danger here and I desperately need to adapt to what is rather than what I hoped. If Teagan does turn out to be a real person and my only child then it would be better to have turned into a different person than to be a dead one. People have assured me of that

I needed to get this article down, for if in the future I am asked how a person could do or have done such a thing, whatever that may be, I will know to point directly to this article in particular as the basis and justification for all that followed. Allowing for the full human story to be told beyond just the presented events.