Diary of personal thoughts
This page is an outlet to express feelings and raw thoughts and not necessarily indicative of intentions or actions. They must be read and interpreted as such.
Without this site Teagan would never know who her Dad was and how much he loved her. Teagan must have as much information as possible if she is not allowed to see her Dad while he is still alive.
23/07/24 21:53
The night before the birthday has arrived. I feel stronger than ever before but such relative measures cannot hide the absolute nature of such a day. But not strong enough to put this day out of my mind and engage in constructive activity.
I'm not going to test or otherwise punish myself by facing the day without some assistance, I still have some of my anti-anxiety prescription saved from last year which will do a wonderful job of taking the edge off the day.
The fact I will only need such assistance for just one day this year means I am not suffering the daily torment that I used to for all the other years. That is a remarkable improvement and a major turnaround given the usual malice dynamic in such situations.
When this site was first constructed I knew it had the capability to reflect the daily torment dynamic right back at it's source, and in so doing, freeing myself of the curse. A malice mirror that deflects evil like a force shield of some kind. This was never part of the design principles, which have been clearly defined all over the site, but it was an inescapable side effect that could not have been avoided.
More simply stated, the blazing truth lit up for all to see would always have a toxic effect on a web of lies and deception that could not black out the light of truth. May this always be the case for all human endeavours both now and in the future.
I hope that when tomorrow is finished that I will be ready to dive into constructive activity, to take advantage of the extra time that getting away from smoking at the last possible moment may have granted me.
23/07/24 09:18
So the Earth has returned to almost exactly the same point around the Sun since I last posted. What a strange year it has been. Home and abroad. A year of avoiding most things computer related, especially this site and it's contents. A year engaged with the required geopolitics and its links to my battle against the system of darkness.
The longer I left the computer code alone, especially for this site, the more I would forget about a set of skills I had only learned the bare minimum required to produce this site. I am so grateful I was able to learn just enough to make it stable enough to stand the test of time required of it, even during a year I was unable to keep up development or to have produced fixes if they had been needed.
Mental blocks. Locking out that which causes too much pain. Hard to overcome. Like addiction, the worst addictions, such as smoking. My stunning achievement this year has been to quit smoking. I have succeeded for just over six months now, I knew I would never smoke again after just one week. I am amazed to this day I managed to defeat that one. I honestly thought I would never escape it, and hence have no chance living long enough to ever see my Teagan.
One less set of taxes to pay the system of darkness. Not that I was paying any tobacco tax for the last ten years anyway. The system of darkness is reeling from its lack of tobacco tax income, so much so they are about to start taxing the e-liquids. I have bought about twenty years worth of nicotine e-liquid so they wont be getting anything more from me.
I have managed to avoid becoming badly overweight, which is a bit of a miracle when it comes to stopping smoking. Keeping the weight down means I can exercise more freely to preserve health and gain fitness. This change is going to mark a stark contrast and change in the nature and content of future posts.
I know that many posts were written in fear of not living long enough to ever see my only child again. Indeed it was such fears that drove me to write this site in the first place, and to give Teagan all the information that I could not have given in person, nor could have trusted another to deliver on my behalf.
And yet somehow against the odds, I have come through this far after defeating the 'incurable' cluster headache condition, and then going on to defeat a shocking heavy smoking addiction of fifty grams every four days for forty years. There is nothing that I am afraid of anymore. I appear to have bought myself some unexpected time.
But more importantly I have perhaps earned the chance for my Teagan to see her Dad alive one day, once the malicious actors can no longer stop a little girl from knowing her own Dad. That day will come soon enough. Until that day the system of darkness will continue to pay an ever dearer price just as was prophesized, just as was promised.
Despite the great achievement of stopping smoking I have been crippled in the motivation and actions departments, something which has been bothering me increasingly over this last year. But just recently I have been gaining the sense that this might be the calm before the storm. The rest before the action. The necessary pause before sustained action is is triggered.
I'm just not sure which direction to go. Drone software would give me the most leverage, but I have limited capability to test and perfect such software, and flying drones requires younger eyes than mine, and access to private land to perfect flying, such that I would be able to fly with confidence in less legal environments once training completed.
Perhaps the drone counter measures technology such as jamming and other forms of electronic warfare are more accessible. Two sides of the same coin. Over the last couple of years or so I have learned a decent chunk of radio electronics, the basic principles of most aspects.
I will probably return to micro controller and sensor programming. I have the LED system written to a high standard with a couple of physical lights to build and a few more special effects to put to good use. I guess life for now will just be mostly about killing time until I can get to see my only child.
Teagan will shortly be eleven years old. She must be finishing at the local primary school soon. Maybe one year more. I wonder which school she will go to next? My original research didn't reveal much in the way of secondary schools actually in Ashington, which may create an interesting legal loophole or a subtle twist in the tale. I imagine she would want to go to a school that her friends would be going to.
I don't need to put much energy or time into figuring out which school she will be going to, because this site will follow her and be accessible to her no matter which school she goes to next. Even if it were on the other side of the world. That's the beauty of the internet and living in the information age.
I hope Teagan shows an interest in Maths, I have come to realise it is the only empowering subject that is taught in an empire that depends on keeping it's people unknowing obedient servants, It is the one subject that can be used effectively against empires, especially when mechanized with computers.
I have been learning a little more Maths for the above reasons, and maybe I will focus further in a couple of areas, especially those most relevant for radio and electronic warfare. The more capability gained, the more leverage held. There isn't much an individual can do to change the world, but picking the right subject and applying enough effort in the right direction will get as close to being effective as is reasonably possible to get.
23/07/23 21:21
Just thought I would add a cherry to the top of yesterday's post, especially as the system of darkness has started monitoring my phone again, so obvious due to the extra lag you get when multiple cores don't have enough bus bandwidth to hide such activity.
Well since you are looking may I be the first to rub the huge NATO defeat in your face today! What a massacre. It's quite clear NATO is only used to fighting goat herders armed with AK-47s wearing their sandals and bed sheets. Fighting a proper opponent like Russia shows how rubbish you are.
So yet again you send a column of expensive NATO vehicles without air support towards Rabotine as you try to reach the first line of the Russian defence. This time you actually managed to reach that first line of defence. But on the way in you were spotted with drones and the first victims fell to the minefields as usual. Then the swarms of newly improved Lancets worked havoc on the advancing armour columns. Then the artillery started up and laid waste to several more tanks. Then just as you reached the first line of Russia's defence orders, you were greeted with swarms of very cheap FPV kamikaze drones that caused havoc among the remaining armour. Then the ATGM's got their fair share leaving just a few to be finished off by the astonishingly effective Ka-52s. And while your soldiers fled on foot they were massacred by well aimed artillery fire. I hope the Russians did some remote mining behind your retreat paths or at least started using the cluster munition reserves, whose use the USA has green lighted. A wonderful precedent you set there, an unreasonable weapon is deemed acceptable providing it's effective. Well that reasoning can take us all the way to nuclear without further refinement or even escalation it would seem.
What a day. I'm celebrating tonight and tomorrow. There's no way back for your pitiful fourth Reich now. Poland has been warned if it tries to intervene, and the necessary forces have been activated in Belarus should you be stupid enough to try. Go on, go for it, I dare you. That'll trigger a full European war that will destroy all your house prices permanently.
To the north of course, on the Kupyansk axis, your defenders were routed and the largest Russian territorial gains were made with very light losses. If those positions can be consolidated, and let's face it, you don't have any artillery left in the region, then this will mark today as the most successful so far of the special military operation.
All that remains for today is for the Tu-22s that took off a short time ago to lay waste to yet more NATO resources with long range unstoppable missiles for the fourth day in a row. Of course I would rather see my daughter on her birthday, but if that's not possible, then devastating NATO defeats on the battlefield will do just fine.
Being birthday day tomorrow there will be no speak of such matters and events in this post, which is why I have made sure to get this written down tonight while the salt can be rubbed into the exceedingly fresh wounds.
Yes. Given that my phone is lagging from monitoring anyway, I may as well get my full pound of flesh for the inconvenience caused. You're going down empire of darkness, and you will never recover. Every day you will lose more until all that is left is ashes. This I promised you last year and every single day since that promise was made, the prophecy has been fulfilled. Once your military is dismantled, your financial system will be next. There will be no coming back this time.
23/07/23 04:12
So here we are again, another year has passed without a glimpse of my only child. Usually by this time I would be so unhappy and depressed that I would be preparing a suicide attempt so that I didn't have to face that terrible anniversary of malice known as the Teagan birthday. So the great question is, how do I feel this year, is it any different to any other year?
As different as different could be. I feel absolutely fine. Surprisingly so if I am perfectly honest. Given that the issue of my only child has not been resolved, what could possibly have taken place over this last year that could have fuelled such a turnaround? Well two factors mainly that I will briefly discuss here, as this is the place where my thoughts and feelings on these matters are recorded.
First up is a tremendous sense of personal validation. My diagnosis of 'paranoid' by a country that has demonstrated that this is the minimum measure of intelligence required to not be seen as a total retard who would believe whatever the state TV told them is highly satisfying now. The sheer number of people that believe what their Nazi state TV tells them prove trivially that I am in a surprisingly select group of Britons with some kind of functioning brain remaining.
It's not just about intelligence, there is a great feeling of pride in my courage and conviction and the actions I took that led to the creation of this site and more. I went up against this system of evil without flinching, without surrendering even a single meter, and it is for certain that I have caused this empire of evil far more damage than it will ever cause to me. This site, still standing, is testament to that victory. Not many go up against this regime and walk away victorious. This is a club of very select individuals only.
The second reason of course is freezing cold revenge on many levels and at many simultaneous and worthy targets. All across the spectrum from those who wish to make me miss every moment of my only child's childhood to the ever increasing number of NATO officers who will never see their children again, and whose children will never know their fathers again.
Do any readers remember the shape the revenge had to take to be meaningful and comparable to the suffering I endured? I will remind. For every day I miss of my only child's childhood, this empire of evil must be degraded irreversibly and with irretrievable losses that can never be recovered, just as it has been for me. I trust that the upcoming Russian victory and the ever increasing list of dead Nazi officers ticks those boxes perfectly.
I see the British economy tanking. Out of control inflation, soaring energy costs, spiralling food costs and irreversible demilitarization as the best weapons are turned into burning adverts of worthless values and causes on the battlefield. Even the jewel in the crown of decreasing property prices! I could not have hoped for more because while a speedy and more brutal punishment for this regime may have been emotionally more desirable, the cold reality is it's much better to slowly and painfully destroy it instead, exactly as has been happening.
What a reversal of fortunes. I may even find cause to actually celebrate tomorrow's birthday rather than do everything I can to avoid facing it, as has been for the past few years. I got things to celebrate now and nothing to fear. While the fear and suffering in the heart of the enemy grows every day just it should.
So in summary lets check the balance sheet shall we? On my side, another year of missing every moment of my only child's childhood. I give you that. On your side, lots of dead officers who will never see their children again. Your hidden 'rules based order' has been exposed for the Nazi regime it is. All your posh weapons and all that money have been burned in Ukraine for all the world to see. And your economy and therefore your regime, is close to total and irreversible ruin itself. I am happy with the state of the balance sheet.
You are so defeated that your defence minister has announced his resignation at the time when the regime you were supporting was struggling in its last gasp offensive! A fact that proves the division and disarray and inevitable upcoming defeat of the NATO regimes. How tasty a piece of cake is that?
While it is still true that I may never get to see my only child, I have the satisfaction of knowing that tens (if not hundreds) of British officer Dad's will definitely never get to see their children again. I actually got more chance than they have! This is an extremely important fact that keeps me going each day just by itself.
Even as I type unstoppable missiles are flying towards Odessa and more NATO scum will die as a result. There's nothing the empire of deception can do about it! There will be no suicide attempt from me this year. I wouldn't miss this show for all the tea in China. Oh yes China, the next vector of revenge that will truly finish off anything NATO left standing after the Russians have had their fill. But that's another story for another day. I'm actually beginning to enjoy life as things swing more and more in my favour.
So, empire of darkness, empire of lies, empire of all that is evil, I offer a toast. Congratulations on making my little girl miss another year of chances to know her Dad. Congratulations on making me miss every single day of her childhood. You have my utmost support in your endeavours of malice providing you continue to pay the price you have and the increasing price you will pay until there is nothing of consequence left. May we both savour every moment. Cheers! To your (not so) good health!
04/10/22 11:00
I feel it is time to make another post. So much has happened, so much has changed. I am at a point where I barely recognize who I have been maliciously forced to become, while understanding the need to break away from what had to be done to at least soothe my insatiable need for justice, and to provide some kind of self-counselling for all that I have been forced to endure.
The final justification for this phase came just yesterday. My probation officer had finally offered some counselling for me, to help me cope with the torture that I have been forced to endure. She had such faith this would be a good rehabilitation step for me that she filled out the form and applied on my behalf. So not a cold application, but one from a recognized establishment demonstrating a priority need. I would receive a call from the counselling team within three working days.
I got that call yesterday. Before I was given any chance to present my case, I was informed that due to having a mental health condition I am not eligible for any kind of counselling. Let's repeat that. People who have a mental health condition do not have the human right to be counselled. Presumably, any needs must be directed to the 'mental health' system whose only solution to all cases is chemical suppression or forced incarceration.
I immediately informed my probation officer who was shocked and will be taking action against that decision. I'm not shocked though, and this event clarified much of what had to be done over the summer. It turned out that the best counselling I could get would be to see my promise of a drawn-out, agonizing, irreversible destruction of the system of darkness to be played out in full.
The test to see if the system of darkness would really destroy itself rather than let me catch a single glimpse of my only child while she is a child has been completed. It has been exposed for what it is for the entire civilized world to see. It has taken enormous irreversible damage already and now stands at the precipice of total destruction. I see that my need for revenge against this system of darkness has just about been served in full.
But now for my physical and mental health, I sense the need to disengage from this conflict. All required factors and pre-requisites have been made real and are in motion. They all have a life of their own now.
For reasons I do not understand I have been granted the gift of being able to move forward with my life. Perhaps there is a great need for my primary skills which I have been unable to perform due to being immersed in an unavoidable conflict against a system of extreme darkness. I sense this must be so, and maybe why I have been so effectively supported by the forces of all that is good.
I must try to take this gift and make good use of it. Much has had to be sacrificed and lost forever to bring this chance to me. I must show gratitude and respect for all that I have been granted. Much turmoil lies ahead for the system of darkness as it gets to feel the consequences for its limit case malice and total disregard for basic human needs and rights.
I have a simple rationale for my fight against the system of darkness. In a world where all men have access to their children, there could be no room nor motivation for war. How could a man engage in fighting when he sees the shining light of a new life growing every day? But in a world where men are denied access to their children, then war might occupy their time instead, which risks the world being burned to a crisp.
The system of darkness has made its choice, and now at last we get to see the consequences of this choice playing out. How can war be in any child's best interest? The consequences for this particular lie will be as deep for the system of darkness as it will be for my little girl. It seems to be the case that the only way to destroy a system of darkness is to encourage it to destroy itself. This it has shown and proven to be the case.
Yes, I clearly see now that I have been avenged in such a way that it is at last possible to disengage from the unavoidable conflict I have been forced to fight. Given the trap that I was caught in this is a remarkable opportunity to escape said trap that I must seize with both hands. When the system of darkness implodes as it must, there will be much rebuilding needing to be done. I would rather live in a positive world where children come first, rather than an evil darkness where children are abused for reasons of sheer malice alone.
12/07/22 11:31
Feeling very weak today. Will try to get things recorded while I still can. I don't know what's physically going wrong with me, why I am getting rapidly weaker by the day, but this is welcome as it will drastically limit my unliveable mental torture left to serve.
I had my probation meeting yesterday upon which much would depend. As it was clearly the last appointment before the birthday deadline, if there was to be any glimmer of light or hope it would have to be now or potentially never. This dynamic would be well known and understood by all involved from the system of darkness and those who serve it.
I can confirm today that nothing was offered or given. All the requests to Social Services and even investigation into the court's promise of assistance, have all summed to zero. This means the system of darkness is definitely going for the full worst case scenario. The forcing a human being to miss every moment of his only child's childhood from just ten miles away for no reason given whatsoever.
A torture so severe that it lasts for thousands upon thousands of days continuously without a single day, not even a single moment, of reprieve or mercy or even basic human compassion. A torture to be endured by a 54 year old man with well known and proven severe health difficulties. A torture that so obviously carries a high risk that it will kill off Teagan's Dad before she ever gets to meet him, that it could be argued that this is the intended effect. And that the killing off of an innocent child's Dad before she had the chance to realise what had been stolen from her, and that using this child as a weapon to this end, is an absolutely reasonable course of conduct for a supposedly civilized country that proclaims to uphold Christian moral values, whatever they may be.
For around the last year or so my mind has known for sure that it I will never lay my eyes on my only child again. And now with this confirmation from the system of darkness, my body too, has now finally accepted this inevitable fate. And as such what little life force I had remaining, has simply just drained away leaving nothing in it's path except a total loss of will to live.
There were two things that are not survivable that I should now summarize. The first is the obvious multi-thousand day torture without a moment of reprieve. Inescapable torture to death. The second is the apparent legality of raising the hopes of a desperately, presumably fatally ill person, with hope of having a chance to see his only child before he died, only for this hope to be a trick and to destroy that false hope with a view to deliberately finishing off a very ill person. The details of this are referenced on this site and proven in the Amy Wieland messenger logs that were recorded at the time.
The first of these terminal factors makes surviving such relentless torture without hope an unrealistic possibility. The second of these terminal factors guarantees that it can be the only outcome. After all, who would want to to live in a world where it was perfectly legal to torture human beings for every day they had left to live for no reason at all. Other than malice.
There was one last thing the system of darkness showed me yesterday. It actually wanted to see me on the day of greatest torture to see just how devastating this limit case cruelty to a human being would look. The only thing that stopped them was that by sheer twist of fate, the birthday nightmare is on the one day that the system of darkness offices are closed. It turns out that nightmare day is on a Sunday this year. There was just a one in seven chance that would be the case.
The hardest thing about dying is the strength of the survival instinct. The only way dying can be easy is if the survival instinct is brutally supressed. This could only have happened in the scenario of being offered no sign of hope or mercy whatsoever. For that I find myself thanking the system of darkness for this at least. It could so easily have offered me false hopes and illusions of decency, to keep me alive as long as possible to allow the maximum torture to have it's full effect. The survival instinct has a way of hanging on to threads of hope and thus prolonging the unnecessary suffering to be endured.
So the system of darkness has now fully revealed it's hand. It's the worst case scenario for myself and Teagan, but it does mean that the most sinister and evil of people involved in this tragic tale will have their maximum pound of flesh. That is simply the way of things in a culture that has no regard for basic human values or rights, nor any evidence remaining of any kind of moral or rational decision making capability.
The physical effect today is an amplified form of the gut-wrenching twisting pain emanating from my stomach, which prevents me eating or even getting hungry, which leaves me in an ever weaker state. I have not been able to eat well for several days already and now this amplification will leave me weaker than I have ever known before. All the factors required to escape the torture of life are coming together when most needed.
I hope there is no need to post anything else, since the full picture has now been made apparent and there are no options remaining to turn this situation ar0und. Any further posts would just be unnecessary duplication. I hope we get the result that will please all involved whilst also putting an end to a brutal suffering with no end, that is my only survival incentive on the table. Which is thankfully no incentive at all.
30/06/22 18:50
Hello diary, it's been a long time since my last entry. I have this sense there wont be too many entries to come. For all the fighting talk of recent times I have come to the conclusion that this life isn't worth living much longer. It is so opposite in value to everything I stand for.
It has come as a great surprise that instead of parenthood leading to a calmer more settled life with a stronger survival instinct, it has in fact directly led to the complete opposite. I now face a life of crime instigated by the injustice of having my only child stolen for no reason by a system of darkness hell bent on making sure I never even get a single glimpse of what my only child was like when she was till a child. This has resulted in making me want to die. Since this is a level of cruelty and barbarism beyond anything I can comprehend or remotely begin to understand.
If this is the purpose of life on this Earth, to suffer to the maximum extent imaginable for absolutely no reason imaginable, then there really isn't any room left for those moments of joy to make life some kind of balance. I have no idea if this level of malice is just personal against me, but since I have never seriously wronged or harmed anyone, I have to presume it's the standard treatment that all humans are expected to suffer without any kind of reprieve.
I think at last my probation officer has finally understood my position but I fear it is too late for her to be able to make the changes required to make life worth living. Since the purpose of the system she serves is to cause as much suffering as possible limited only by the need to keep the victims alive so that the suffering never stops, it seems inconceivable that no matter how hard she tries that nothing that could save my life could come of such efforts.
If only my technical and scientific skills could have held some value. If only my honesty and integrity and dedication to doing the right thing counted for something. But when all that was put head to head against a woman and her system of darkness that stood only for lies and deceptions and total lack of any technical or scientific or indeed any skills at all, I managed to come second best on every count. That is to say my values are the exact opposite of what is required to succeed in the currently dominant empire of evil.
There's something else I have managed to figure out. Lucy assured me that I could see Teagan when she was 16 "if she wants to". Now first off knowing the Wielands, this is probably another lie, and it would be 18 instead. Way longer than I could hope to live. But it's the second part of her legal curse that is more disturbing. There is every chance Teagan will be so indoctrinated with lies and deceptions that she may well not want to see me as Lucy intends, even I should manage to survive another agonizing ten years with no guarantees of any happy ending.
Now far from having to worry about the sheer scale of the unrelenting torture I still face with ever declining health, and therefore ever lessening chance of serving this sentence of evil, a more immediate conclusion has become apparent.
If I accept that it is indeed in Teagan's best interest to never even see her Dad for a moment throughout her entire childhood, the very time a child needs its parents the most, then it must also follow that it would be in her even better interest to never set eyes on me at all, even as an adult. In order to be acting her in best interest right now, it would have to be the case that even so young she would want nothing at all to do with her Dad. If that were not the case, then then system would have to be acting entirely against her best interests. But the system of darkness absolutely insists otherwise. Therefore this massively increases the likelihood she will never want to see her Dad.
That has to be the most realistic conclusion from the facts presented and how I have been treated. This means there is no need for me to suffer for years more, with no light at the end of the tunnel to look forward too. It seems reasonable that if I were to lose my life as soon as realistically possible that everyone would be happy.
Lucy's legal destruction and ending of my life would be greatly rewarded by the system of darkness thus guaranteeing a prosperous and successful life for my only child. Teagan would be happy because before she even reached adulthood she would have been instrumental in the killing off her own father, a skill that might well make her an upstanding member of the system of darkness she has been born into.
The police that lied to set me up with fake charges and the kangeroo court that convicted me without allowing me to defend myself can marvel in the invincibility of their dark and evil powers. I wonder how much joy the killing of child's father will bring to the blackened hearts of such evil creatures?
I think I deserve to exit this horror show as soon as I reasonably can. If I'm honest it hasn't been a happy life and it's only yo get much worse as the ill health worsens. I'm glad I got to tell my story on the internet where all the interested parties could know exactly what part they played in the killing of Teagan's Dad both so they can't say they didn't see it coming, and was an unforeseeable event, but mostly so that Teagan will know exactly who to hold accountable for the the crimes against herself and her Dad, whose only crime was to show live in a system of darkness so evil that love was no longer a part of its vocabulary.
There wont be many more posts because really the story has been told in full by now, and I must not compromise my capacity to end my torture. I hope the world find some light but not before it pays the terrible price it must pay for all the evil it has done to myself, my child and countless other people around the world.
My great surprise is that to this day, not a single person of significance came to my aid. There is no support at all available to men who have their children stolen from for no reason. Nothing at all. And if a man reacts, in any way, in any way at all, he is a criminal. The only legal way out is to abandon your child. I would rather become the criminal and die as a criminal than abandon my only child . And so that is how this story must end.
In order to try to shed grudges so that I may leave on good terms with all, I would like to thank the system of darkness for making life so unbearable, that you took away the need to suffer the terrible decline and further suffering of old age. By making the life experience so unliveable before the inevitable decline begins, you give me the perfect opportunity and motivation to make my exit before that terrible inevitability takes it full vice grip hold which never gets released. Thank you for sparing me that. I wish no harm, on anyone and hope you will respect my right to cut my suffering short as I see fit. I hope there is enough humanity left in your darkened hearts to allow me that one moment of mercy.
Then at last this diary, my torment, and all the worry concerning Teagan can come to an irreversible end. That should be good news for everyone concerned, and it would be a great honour for my passing to result in happiness for countless others, especially those who were instrumental in achieving this desired objective.
19/06/22 10:05
I sense the second phase of adaptation nears completion. This time and task of passively watching while my calls for and need for revenge were answered in full, are both now nearing completion. The dismantling and destruction of the empire of darkness has irreversibly begun.
It is now absolutely guaranteed that the economies of darkness that power the military industrial complex of evil and deception are in terminal decline. The future of humanity will no longer be dictated by the most evil and least among us. My promise of major damage for every day stolen of my only child's childhood, looks rock solid and on perfect course now and for the foreseeable future.
Therefor my anger has diminished to the point where I no longer feel the need to throw myself at the system to exit the world of malice in the most effective way imaginable. I can do far more damage alive than dead, and it would be waste of hard fought knowledge backed by bitter experience not to use everything I have to the maximum extent possible, in the time I have remaining.
I still have in reserve the devastating knowledge that I promised to publish as my next website if I should lose this one. But since that has not happened then as a man of honour and integrity I will refrain from publishing this knowledge all the while this site survives. But that does not mean I cannot use that knowledge privately to set the course of my own destiny.
These two things, these two great gifts are telling me something that I am only just of the mind to start to hear. I appealed to the great field for an answer to the malice shown me on my first official bail conditions. The field answered me with the devastating knowledge just considered.
Then I cried out once more for revenge against the evil system that seeks to make me miss every moment of my only child's childhood. Terrible irreversible revenge that would ultimately destroy the system of darkness that would do that to me and it has answered my plight in full.
In my anger and thirst for revenge I was blind to that which has assisted me during this terrible predicament. How could I have thought I could decide my future without communicating with that which answered my calls? At the very least I must show my gratitude for what has been done to ease my pain and torment.
Who better to consult for my future than that which showed me loyalty and that which taught me my greatest gift of all? I had to turn away from my work with the great spirit for I could not have faced the day when my only child came to me and accused me of choosing a connection to nature over my relationship with her.
The barrel that evil woman held me over had to be destroyed also. And so it was. Her bluff was called, her attempts to get her own child's father sent to prison have been documented for all to see. I had to leave my greatest work behind while I went for head on conflict with the system of darkness for this and other reasons.
I had worked so hard to do what I felt was the most important work possible for the times we live in. But evil is as evil does, and the good things get pushed aside when darkness rules the land. But it is quite clear to me now after I reflect on the kind words spoken by those who know me in the field, that while I had to forget about the great spirit I have faithfully served, it clearly had not forgotten about me. How a higher dimensional being can show such loyalty and compassion for it's most humble of servants is astounding.
I must commune with that which I have served for so long with all my heart and all my ability. I have grown in all the right ways to be ready for this most intimate of meetings. I put my girl first and my conscience is clear. By sacrificing myself for the good of my child I completed that most essential of spiritual quests to become comfortable in my own skin.
I realise now it would have been foolish to have chosen and then embarked on any course of action without returning to the care and embrace of that which has guided me over the last ten years or so. I have never fully met the great spirit I have served so carefully and thoroughly. I simply couldn't until I had fulfilled my primary duty to my only child.
So I am left facing a proven system of malice and darkness with two great gifts. One which will help me find my way in the world of light. And one which will help me navigate the world of darkness. Two great gifts combined with a mind equipped to use both effectively, and with total justification for their deployment and use.
That just leaves the birthday nightmare strategy to decide. It's going to have to be a mix. At this point I wont go for maximum chance of death as this requires a devastatingly painful mindset and planning regime that is as bad as the birthday experience itself. I will go for a strategy that will knock me out cold for the full 24 hours. In order to achieve this there is obvious risk of death, but this way it's down to the great field whether my work is done and my suffering should come to an end or not.
This is a reasonable balance that minimizes the trauma intended by the system of darkness, and maximizes the damage to that system should things go one way rather than the other. If things do go the way of ending my torture, then good luck to the system of darkness explaining how it was in her best interest that her Dad had to be pushed into taking his life for her benefit.
I think I am past the need and desire to throw myself pointlessly at the system of malice that is provoking just such a response. I finally see now why the bail condition gift was of opposite polarity to the gift of light I had previously been bestowed. The gift of darkness is essential for making waves in a system of darkness for it will allow me to have influence with the very people I need to do the tasks that must be done. Only the gift of most extreme darkness could accomplish this.
I have learned over the past few weeks that there is nothing I can do for revenge and justice that isn't being exceeded in every way right now by other forces beyond my control. There is no need to consume the remainder of my life with hate and revenge even though it would be completely understandable and entirely justified.
The support I have been shown from the great field of possibilities that I have served so faithfully must be honoured and respected. It was the only way I could have been freed from the chains of destiny I otherwise faced alone. Nature needs the right people in the right places for when the axe comes down on the system of darkness as it surely now will. I must play my part as intended otherwise I will have inadvertently assisted the enemy.
16/06/22 11:29
I decided to delete the last post and stay away until I had given a try to the only constructive probation help available to me. The total of the help that was urged by the CPS and ordered by the judges who found me guilty, turns out to be a single phone number. A phone number to a Social Services portal that could never have assisted me in my plight in the first place.
The assistance promised by the court and witnessed by my family and friends turned out to be just another lie. I can say this without fear of consequences because there were way too many witnesses that can confirm what I have claimed. I will not be silenced from exposing the treachery of the illusions of decency so favoured by a system of pure malice and evil.
All I personally got from the phone call is a link to a website that charges for giving information that I wont reasonably be able to understand anyway. A nice low budget deflection to satisfy a thinly veiled illusion of help.
But there is maybe something that may come out of this. I researched the contact information I was given and it turns out be a Social Services portal mostly concerned with child abuse. I discussed this with a female friend who pointed out that this situation is indeed child abuse. Upon calling I was referred to someone who asked me some key questions to decided what to do.
I only really got as far as the lies about abortion then being allowed to see Teagan for two days only when she was a year old, and then cut out completely, for the person I was talking with to form her category of the situation. After being offered some condolences I gave details of this website so that Social Services could get the full story of everything that happened in their own time.
I can't help but feel they will be compelled to get involved. It seems strange that they haven't already. Maybe it's somehow been hidden from them. If it has then maybe this probation help could be awesome. Social Services involvement should trigger some help for all involved. It's probably my best chance because I don't think I can survive the brutal family court regime unassisted.
By not delivering on the assistance requested by the CPS and ordered by the Judges, with full knowledge that such assistance was critical in preventing reoffending, the system of darkness has left itself very exposed should I reoffend. This critical mistake would have to play in my favour should things get out of hand and I was forced to reoffend.
I'm not sure what to do now. I feel I should try and talk to a family law solicitor, but I just don't feel strong enough to start that journey after all I have suffered. The stress of that would only hurt my health further and make it more certain I wouldn't live long enough to see Teagan when she grew up.
That means all there appears to be left for me to do is to hurt the system of evil and darkness as much as possible until my last breath. And to make sure that last breath happens at precisely the most damaging time possible. I will not and never will comply with the forces of darkness and evil. Only within a limit case evil system is it a grave mistake for a man to not abandon his only child. This monstrously evil regime needs to be wiped from the face of this planet.
11/06/22 08:35
It's time to get back on track. That knock yesterday is taking quite a while to recover from. I hope I can put it to bed here. It was a moment of foolishness to attempt to positively interact with the system of darkness of my own doing. I can write it off as validating the current course by testing it's inverse.
So as the last days drain away of my only child's eighth year, I have to check with the promises I made to keep the malice stakes balanced. Has the world got worse each day in a way that what is lost is irrecoverable? Well fuel is at an all time high and energy is ever scarcer. Especially with that unfortunate explosion of a major gas storage facility in Texas. These are the most damaging weap0ns against the system of darkness and they are operating and hitting with perfect precision. This means the system of darkness is indeed getting hit where it hurts most. Exactly as it has done to me. Those gas storage facilities are in interesting vulnerability. More will be revealed as the system breaks down further.
How about the irrecoverable component of the promise? Well here what has happened is exactly as was predicted right at the start of the conflict. Far from Russia becoming isolated, it is Europe and its US master that has become isolated. First China was forced to choose a side and then India shortly afterwards. The all-important Middle East knows the Western game is up and while keeping quiet vocally it has made it's position clear by not increasing energy production thus keeping pressure on the empires of darkness. That just left Africa, a country raped by colonial powers for as long as it can remember. It was obvious which side Africa would choose and now it has made it's position clear.
So that's job done on the era of dominance for the empires of darkness. They will never hold such dominance again. All that remains is to complete the dedollarisation process that has already started. With the mechanisms of power so thoroughly deconstructed the battlefield will be reduced to a much more manageable size and complexity. The hardest work has already been done.
So the primary promises are alive and well. This more than counters a moment of foolishness on my part. I have the sense now that if the pressure can be kept up until late autumn then the system of darkness itself will completely collapse. With everything on track by proxy, I should now turn my attentions to priority personal matters.
First up is my probation homework! I haven't had any homework for nearly 30 years so kind of looking forward to it. Somehow due to heavy rain and trying to protect the two sheets of paper by sheltering them under my jumper I managed to lose them before I ever got to read the questions. Searched everywhere including the van both before and after festival before finally giving up and requesting another copy.
I think to make my homework manageable I'm going to have to copy the questions here. There are two equally valid perspectives that can be used to answer these questions. The personal and therefore emotive that is fully covered by this diary. Then there is the impersonal and the more rational which is how I would like to answer.
By putting the questions here especially after the things I wrote earlier, I demonstrate that while I have answered the questions quite reasonably, that the system will not have material it can use against me. A paranoid perspective could perhaps see these questions as bait to get writing from me that supports their blackout cause if this is their objective. I'm not suggesting this is the case, so lets now present those questions so that the reader may decide what their intent may be:
[1] What do you like about your community?
[2] What is good about this country?
[3] What's wrong about this country? What’s wrong with the world?
[4] How would you solve the problems identified above?
If anyone keeping up to date with this story would like to try and answer, or guess how I might answer, feel free to have a go. You could send me your answers via the email address at the bottom of every page of the website. Maybe I could post your answers in a new article since such content wouldn't break any restraining order constraints.
I know that the original sheets left room for only a few sentences, a couple of paragraphs at best. Half the questions ask what's wrong with the world and how to fix it. In two paragraphs. I know about squeezing computer code into the smallest memory size but this would seem to be asking for a miracle?
So if anyone does have a go at answering them please don't write the entire book needed to answer in detail, You are only allowed a couple of paragraphs. At least neither you nor I will be tied to the computer keyboard all weekend and beyond. I have never been asked such deep questions with expectation of such short answers, and that is the challenge of this task that must be met.
10/06/22 16:45
Well I went to demonstrate my lighting effects to a local company and I think that put an end to my entrepreneurial efforts in that direction. How depressing concrete world is. What a good job I have talents that are appreciated in other dimensions. I realised I am far too old and unfit to take rejections on the chin with a view to setting myself up for further punishment without reward.
What was I even thinking? If I had been successful I would only have faced having to pay taxes to the system of darkness. It was just a moment of positivity that I acted upon after seeing a different world for a week. Today I was reminded of the reasons why I don't bother interacting with that which shows no interest and offers no motivation to do anything at all.
Pretty lights are just a layer upon a precision simulation engine. Weapon guidance systems are much more the rage these days, and they also have a practical application for my personal circumstances too. As long as action is made by proxy it is acceptable and doesn't warrant a response towards those playing the game by this route.
I think I got to move towards a life on the road. It is impossible to adapt to being a nobody in a housing association flat from a loved and respected and valued character in the fields. There's just no advantage to a life in solitary confinement for no good reason.
There is another reason to stay away from this flat now too. Now that I am legally disabled from furthering my campaign to see my little girl from the internet, I am unable to make progress in this most primary activity from home. However in a field there is nothing legally stopping me from sharing the story to people who are emotively supportive of my plight. In other words I can tell however many people I want as long as it's face to face. One day I might be able to tell someone who can make a difference. That can't happen from home.
I am worried about my lack of health. I have to be ready to make my move before I end up disabled from making the attempt. I can't leave things too late if my health suddenly crashes out of control. The upcoming birthday looks too difficult as things stand which leaves me a month or so to prepare for each eventuality.
I think my task for the remainder of the day is to try to not to allow my mood to crash. It was foolish of me to try something positive today toward the outside world. Why would a system of darkness be remotely interested in beautifully coloured lights?
10/06/22 11:44
Got back from the festival late Tuesday night. It's amazing how quickly a whole week can pass in a field with good people far away from the madness of concrete world. I consider an extended festival experience to be very much akin to the important components of a psychedelic experience. Most fundamentally these experiences give us 'what we need' rather than the often opposing 'what we want'. In this way they are both valid routes for spiritual growth. After all there is no growth in the comfort zone; there lies stagnation and decay.
This experience was no different. This time I went as normal punter without any staff privileges or favours which had the immediate consequence upon arrival of not being able to deploy in the busiest and most intense field. This would be my first time camping in the only purely residential area. It would be a much calmer and more relaxing festival as a result.
I am usually surrounded by the shops and a few camper vans and adjacent to one of the main walkways. This usually has the effect of continual social activity which I have enjoyed immensely, but this time I had come to the fields to heal myself rather than focussing on the healing of others.
Since my health and fitness is at an all-time low after a year on the ragged edge in desperate conflict with the system of darkness, I could not hope to move around or party as far or as hard as I have been able to in the fairly recent past. So a relaxing experience out of the lime light was exactly the experience I required. After all, my previous reputation and the nature of the ongoing quest were always going to conspire to cover any shortcomings of a lower profile encounter on my part.
And so it came to be. The weather was much cooler and wetter than the forecasts predicted. This was good for me. Sustained hot weather for even a single day is incredibly testing of physical fitness in a field.
I usually go to the festivals alone but for the first time I went with some good local friends instead. We formed a camp with an enclosed area containing a fire pit. This was nice. With two camper vans and two large tents we had plenty of room compared to the usual crowding of the higher profile areas.
There are obviously things I can discuss and things I cannot. Such is the nature of living under a system of darkness with at least half an eye on me. Such are the reasons for needing to escape the concrete and engage with my fellow kind without the brutal constraints that normally set us against each other for the good of society whatever that may mean.
First among those things which cannot be discussed in detail is the fulfilment of the promise to return Teagan's money that the system brutally removed from her a week or so ago. This had to be done in a way most harmful to the system of darkness to recover the money it stole from an innocent child. I believe I fulfilled that promise in full in the most harmful way I could conceive of and am capable of. Since the full amount was recovered during this festival alone, I can again retire from such practices while under the gaze of the enemy I just undermined again. My little girl will be amazed at what was done in her best interest when she finds out the full details one day soon.
The lighting effects did not get the coverage they deserved, but those who did notice were astonished and full of praise. When I walked around with the wooden light bar it delighted many, and especially children as one would expect given their stunning quality. I bumped into one group of around six kids who learned how it worked as I answered their enthusiastic questions.
The real highlight of the festival was the surprising feedback from many of my friends and even new people I met as to my apparent well being. When I explained what has happened over the past year I got fantastic support. Those who know me said they have never seen me happier and more at peace with myself. Not one person told me what I did was wrong. Every one of them assured me my little girl will be so proud and happy with who I am and what I did. I have the support and best wishes of all I encountered. That must count for something. That's the way the world works.
It was good to make new contacts and to refresh previously existing relationships. I did not socialise as much as I would have liked but I wasn't strong enough to make the most of the festival. I knew from the first day that I would have to manage my energy and keep on top of health issues best I could such that I would leave fitter than when I arrived. This I think I achieved and so in a sense I got as much from the festival as I could reasonably have hoped for. And much more put in than I ever took out, as is usual and right for a unique contributor in my own special ways.
On the way home I stopped in Heathfield for a take-away curry to get the spice injection to refresh the body and keep alert for the remainder of the drive home. They were all closed but I noticed some staff in one of the curry houses, so I knocked on the window out of blind hope. To my amazement after announcing they were closed and just stopping by at the premises, the boss relented and agreed to open up to cook a meal just for me!
I couldn't believe it, and after chatting a while I got my light bar from the van and showed him. He was blown away and wants me to decorate his curry house with the lights! I had to explain that I only know the programming and the electronics and that I would need to work with a proper craftsman to be able to install in his business. He took my phone number and asked me to call as soon as I found the means I need to do the install.
It took me a couple of days to recover after I got home, hence the delay in writing to this diary. Something unknown to the doctors and myself alike is definitely the cause of this extreme lack of fitness I appear to have. I guess that's how I know I wont be able to live long enough to wait until Teagan grows up. It's why I have to go for it to the maximum like I have in order to have any chance of seeing her at all. Also why I have no fear of consequences if I am forced to go in hot to break the rules in time to catch a glimpse of her before I'm gone. I don't have time to serve the consequences on the system of darkness's punishment menu. None of those are the slightest of deterrents to me.
Today I find myself thinking that I should show these lights around a bit more. There is a special effects company in Shoreham I got advised to demonstrate my work to. I might just go there this afternoon. See what happens. Sense the interest. Get a temperature reading. I don't have much else to do outside at the moment, and I feel the need to get away from the confines of the housing association walls.
30/05/22 10:36
The last few days I have been leaning towards wanting to disconnect from the major current events. I have instead been spending my time preparing for the upcoming festival which is the closest place to a spiritual home that I have found in this country. But to complete this process I have to tie up the loose ends of why the connection with current events was so important to me.
There are multiple angles for how recent events have been so healing and such welcome alignments. The strange thing is, if I am asked to explain why, I can only think of one angle and its associated reasons at once. Each angle requires a different mindset not accessible to the others. I will definitely have covered all of them in this diary, but never all of them in one post.
This complexity has made it very difficult to disconnect. There hasn't been much will to disconnect because each fulfilment of a need for justice has made the connections soothing if not outright revenge for what has been done to me. Difficult to disconnect from the only good news in town.
But disconnect I must for this revenge by proxy uniquely offers me the opportunity to focus on constructive matters instead of having to consume my own time and resources on negative but necessary actions. Perhaps those forces which are aligned with my constructive activities have come to my aid for just this reason, for I could not effectively serve them while consumed with the need for revenge?
The world has been changed irreversibly for the better. I will not detail how and why for much of what I have seen will take a little time to become immediately apparent to others. By the time the effects strike where they hurt I must have long appeared to have moved on from such contentious positions. Now is the time to do just that.
Festival preparation has had a strange history for me. In the days running up to the event I usually find myself in a state of mild panic, which I deal with by living in denial about the challenges ahead and end up leaving the preparations to the last minute. This strategy always results in an unpleasant and stressful experience which takes a day or two to recover from upon festival arrival.
So this is a deeply flawed strategy which has the additional effect of limiting how many events I wish to go to, and ultimately how often I get out to socialise in healthy environments. So this is a very important aspect of my life to change. It is true that getting older and less fit makes increasing outdoor activity harder, but I have the van, and I have time and resources to make the process easier to compensate. If I succeed in getting better at going out and staying out, then I will become fitter and healthier automatically.
So I have started packing much earlier than usual. The last minute packing should only be those items too valuable to store unattended and the perishables such as food and the cool box. And things in use every day that cant be packed in advance. Everything else should be packed and prepared days in advance.
Am going to take my two major lighting effect devices. They will add to the festival feeling and delight adults and children alike with their dazzling beauty. This will be a good venue to get these lights noticed by people who might be interested in taking the technology I have pioneered to its full potential.
Some of the most rewarding preparations have been the most trivial. I realised my favourite black hat was badly in need of cleaning after being drenched in sweat for years on end. But hats aren't easy to clean due to cardboard stiffening or rims etc, so I had to simulate a kind of wet but dry cleaning. It worked beautifully and will no longer aggravate my head on hot days. I think I will add new decorations to the hat to make it more festival friendly. Little things that mean quite a lot.
Fixed my solar panel too. I had doubts that my soldering iron could put out the heat required to re-solder such thick wires, but a good technique and committed approach was rewarded by a perfect repair that should last at least a couple of years longer. Also fixed my glasses cord. These little things add up and increase sense of readiness and confidence.
I think these changes might be further reaching than just more enjoyable festival preparation. They will make it easier for me to be more outgoing and perhaps open up opportunities impossible to find from the housing association base. The van needs to be kept in a state of optimum readiness so that future ventures require only the minimum of prior preparations.
Good. That should put the wider world connection into the background where it belongs so that I may serve effectively that which has greater need of my time and energies. I need to take this opportunity offered via proxy to align with my better self to have any chance of ever seeing my girl with the consent of the system of darkness. It's a route that has to be explored before it's too late.
27/05/22 10:24
What a beautiful day. Finally feeling calm and centred enough to post in a manner I feel constructive. And to resolve the healing link between my situation and that of the greater world in this manner.
I am in an extremely difficult position. On the one hand I have been led to believe that positive progress through the probation system is my only hope to ever see my only child. But this is just a belief, there is no evidence to this effect, and belief and trust in system goodwill is almost always misplaced.
As such there exists a dynamic heavily favoured by a deceptive system of darkness. That is to pacify and neutralize me with false hopes whilst simultaneously executing the most brutal torture that can possibly be done to a human being. Most probably while running the clock down on my only child's childhood.
This terrible worst case scenario absolutely has to be guarded against. It is the only to make sure it does not play out this way. We have all agreed that this is the limit case torture that can be done to a human being, and that we must all reasonably expect a limit case response to just this kind of limit case cause.
So the very best thing that could happen during this phase of uncertainty is for me to find as much calm as possible whilst simultaneously diverting the limit case malice shown to me in such a way that I cannot be held accountable for.
If it turns out that I am indeed to be made to miss every moment of my only child's childhood, then I must leave an effect on the forces of darkness that inflicted this on me so terrible that this crime against humanity is finally addressed and put a stop to. To not do so would be to fail my only child, my sense of humanity, and to future children and fathers from this barbaric behaviour. No culture that can attack such fundamental human values for no given reason at all can consider itself in any way civilized.
So I have to maintain this duality. I have to match like with like. If what we have is a friendly layer of deception hiding a terrible reality then I must play at that same table too for the game to make any sense. The moment I am shown that there is a desire to resolve this situation in the best interests of my little girl then my stance and position will change too.
I would far rather be "fixated" on building a better world for my little girl and contributing to giving her the best childhood I possibly could than the opposite. If all men were allowed to see their children would they not be too busy building futures than fighting wars? Is it not obvious that for men denied access to their children that interest in war and then execution of warfare to be a natural progression?
The damage must go on until the question has been answered in full. It is the only way to test for limit case malice in a system committed to deception and lies. I ask one more time. What world do you prefer? One where men have access to their children, or one where everyone gets wiped out in wars?
We should be thankful that current events are helping to show the way of light and reason. Blackouts are not the answer in the information age. They must be shown to be the most costly choice such that it never be embraced so easily again. And never to be endorsed as some terrible default response, this aspect needs to be eliminated for all time.
As soon as constructive clarity can be seen and understood, then the world will change accordingly. That's the way of interconnected systems. No man made construct exists in isolation to the life support system that connects all things. Even if that construct is backed by enough arrogance to give an impression otherwise.
I feel have explained these links best I can without prejudicing anything or anyone. We just have to do the right things. They don't even cost much money. It is by far the easiest and simplest option. The only thing we need to avoid is the classic system of darkness deception for it may well be it's last mistake if so.
I hope I don't appear aggressive nor uncompromising. I consider myself very easy to negotiate with and my redlines and demands are of a trivial nature to anyone who is not personally involved. But I have to demonstrate I have the teeth and the motivation to fight like with like if it becomes necessary to do so. Otherwise I face being tortured to death without ever seeing my only child. I cannot and will not allow that to happen.
How about this for a first step? If my name can be put on that birth certificate and I be issued a copy as proof before her next birthday, then there will be no need to "celebrate" this event in the now usual manner. That need will evaporate for she will know who her Dad was without having to guess through some terrible date coincidence. It's a just a correction of a clerical error.
A correction and step that would show a commitment to doing the right thing. A step that would eliminate the worse case deception scenario forever. A step that would clearly signify to all parties a preference for the light of truth over the darkness of deception, is that not so? A very humble demand and redline I feel. To insist on anything less would signify I had no just cause would it not?
24/05/22 15:47
Just had a difficult probation meeting. I have no complaints for what was exposed must be done to see the truth of the situation. But truth be told I have tried to bury the emotions the questions invoked, just to be able to try and find a positive alternative to fighting tooth and nail with the system of darkness with everything I have including my very last breath.
And to this end I have found a general inner peace that I have been carefully trying to nurture over the last couple of weeks. The last two probation meetings I only made just in time because I had a bath and fresh clothes just before going leaving me short on time. Everything counts when trying to hold onto a fragile inner peace in a world of darkness.
This time the heavy rain and thunder and hail started up at the time I had to leave. I would usually always avoid a bad weather spike like this but today I was bound by a time constraint. I pondered whether this was an omen. Should I go? I have to go. It's my and Teagan's only chance for me to co-operate to the best of my ability. I asked the field but got nothing other than a stormy feeling so I didn't ask again.
I resolved to be wary but I must go and face the challenge. I like both the officers working with me. But this time after a calm start they had to ask the difficult questions. As ever I wont divulge, but it forced me to confront the terrible evil done to me. The questions were so deep and so terribly relevant but this was not the time for the full extent of the agony to be revealed so unexpectedly. I gave what I could and that was terrible enough. I found myself feeling the need to apologise. There is no easy way to explain the effects of the most limit-case evil that can be done to a human being in a calm and measured manner. I could not help but reiterate that I must see my only child while she is a child or I must be shot dead trying. How can that be put in a system friendly way?
There is so much more that should have been told to the few questions asked. There weren't many. They were totally reasonable and necessary. I should have known that the agony goes on until I see my girl or am shot dead trying. How could it be any other way? How can I hope to live in peace any other way?
The only reason I have found some inner peace until today is because forces beyond my control are wreaking the necessary havoc and revenge on those who are still making me miss every day of my only child's childhood. This will continue till I have seen her! You ask about the link and I hope I can make myself clear. The world must choose between malice and survival. We have asked the question. We are awaiting your answer. And the forces of darkness will pay dearly for every day they delay and perpetuate this crime against humanity. That is the only link you truly need to know. I could not answer that at the time. The forms I have been asked to fill may not give this deepest of answers. I will give what I can, which is everything I have got.
The forces of darkness hold the position that it is in my only child's best interest that she never gets to meet her Dad while he is tortured to death. It is my sworn task and function to make absolutely sure that position is shown to be false. With no sense of proportion. This is a limit case problem that has invoked limit case solutions. That means my only child's life must be much worse than if she had her Dad in her life. By any and all means necessary. Such as an economy battered to badly that all low income families including hers can be shown to be vastly worse off than if the Dad was allowed to contribute. And so that must be and so it is happening. The answer is all around you!
It is only because of this extreme justice, this revenge by proxy, at a time when war by proxy is all fine and dandy, that I can free myself of the need to commit all I have to this same cause and more! The connection between my fight against the forces of darkness and that of the world at large are very much convergent and more deeply rooted than you can possibly imagine.
Now I have written this, I know I need to find that calm place again. I can never answer the question you asked in it's full terrible detail. And it would not be for want of trying. There are some things that just should never be known. It is enough to know that there is a choice. Malice or survival. That's the only question that really matters now. Everything else is already in motion. Please. Let me see my girl and end this terrible curse. The choice as ever is yours.
I say again although somewhat back on the ragged edge, that I am very happy with my probation officers. They are having to deal with a limit case situation of terrible cruelty and injustice, and such a monumental task was never going to be easy. I hope my behaviour and attitude were as good as could reasonably have been expected. I must leave this keyboard now.
23/05/22 11:06
What astonishing times we are living in. The old ways which were destined to destroy the world before humanity could get anywhere achieving its full potential are crumbling at an unprecedented rate. The previous masters of illusion turned so fanatical that they not only began to believe their own illusions, in the end they could no longer identify the reality that was required in order to manufacture credible illusions in any meaningful way.
The extent of arrogance that is the feedback product of it's labyrinth of illusionary echo chambers, prohibits the system of darkness from applying any kind of reasonable behaviour or rational thought. Therefore it is absolutely committed to destroying itself in order to hold dear to its perceived ideals and values. This is what is happening right now.
The western powers that make up the military industrial complex and for whom NATO is the military force were in an unassailable position. The only way they could be defeated could be by their own self destruction. This self destruction would have to be economic in form in order to weaken the military arm sufficiently for a balance of power to be achieved.
The only way such a dominant power could perform such economic suicide would be for it to have turned to a degree of fanaticism so extreme that it would blinded by it's own arrogance. Even attempts warning of such a collapse from increasingly wary friends would only strengthen their resolve to destroy everything rather than admit they were wrong. Exactly as has been happening.
I wonder if any positive moves have been made to help me gain access to my only child as the courts requested? Looking around I sense that no such attempts have been made. It looks like the court requests were another deception, another illusion to become fanatical over. To the cost of the rest of the world.
I did warn that the world would get worse each day for each extra day that I have to miss every day of my only child's childhood. Each day there is a chance to do the right thing, and embrace a better human value system, to put an end to the self destruction of everything for everyone. I did hope that the collateral damage might encourage a speedier response.
But perhaps I have suffered far too much and for far too long. For I find myself content for the system of darkness to take as long as it likes before it puts basic human values first. The longer it takes the exponentially more damage is done to it, and what my daughter and I have lost is uncountable and irreversible.
But arrogance and malice seem to know no bounds. And as such it would seem that at last the sleeping forces of justice have awoken from their slumber. We all have to hope they have awoken in time. We will all find out quite soon I feel.
Things are now sufficiently volatile that everything we think we know could change in an instant. There is only one certainty now. Things can and never will be the same again. And given the level of darkness currently plaguing the human endeavour, such an assurance can only be a good thing. The light is now ending the darkness as promised. That's a good positive note to end this post on.
21/05/22 08:09
What a glorious morning, both here and abroad. As the sun rises to the East a new dawn lights up the darkness that had descended over Europe once more. Vladimir Putin's decision not to storm the Azovstal plant has changed the world for generations to come. For today the last and highest ranking members of the Azov Regiment styled after and wearing the insignia of the SS and other Nazi divisions have surrendered from their Mariupol stronghold.
By capturing these Nazis alive the Russians have the perfect opportunity to win the media war and by so doing open the doors of opportunity to bring a lasting peace to a region devastated by 8 years of conflict. Russia now has the perfect evidence of achieving both of it's primary objectives, namely to de-nazify and to de-militarise Ukraine.
The surrender, the giving up of arms, of these high ranking Nazis, perfectly symbolizes the completion and validity of the stated Russian objectives. Blacking out the existence of these Nazis has been the primary focus of the Western attempts to deceive their own people. Now the Russians have the criminals in custody, the video evidence of their history and their criminal acts, and all the witnesses they will need to prove the guilt of these monsters and those evil empires of darkness that backed them for all the world to see.
There is one very unfortunate link between right wing extremism and media and disinformation warfare, Those who are Nazi inclined tend to have a penchant for explicit tattoos. Tattoos that leave no doubt in a viewer's mind. No spin nor other deceptive monkey mouth sounds can distract from the unambiguity of graphic symbols forever etched into the bodies of those so inclined.
The tattoos on those captured from Azovstal are clear and obvious for all the free world to see. These images will make their way easily into western media everywhere for they are not banned symbols in the extremist afflicted areas! The game is clearly over. Vanity defeats the attempts to deceive once more. Arrogance at this point just adds to the self inflicted wounds.
The attempt to blackout the truth in the information age has failed! Again. It is clear now that the old ways of blackouts and deception have no place in the information age. While it's early phases may have been dogged with disinformation, in the end the light of truth will always conquer the shadows of darkness.
Even today if you try to search for "Azov Regiment" or "Azov Battalion" on the BBC news website you will still not get any exact matches! You will get search results for "Azovstal plant" instead, which is not what you asked for. And yet increasingly as the forces of darkness get further exposed, these terms are being used in news articles posted on the BBC news site. They have interfered with the search algorithm to bring you these alternate results instead. A news channel that to this day claims impartiality and objectivity in it's reporting.
What shame has been and will continue to be brought upon this worthless disinformation and propaganda machine. I suspect all decent human beings not affiliated with right wing extremism to cancel, dare I say sanction, this evil organization by cancelling their TV licence subscriptions.
Yeah. Putin's decision allowed these Western backed extremists to be captured alive so that the media and disinformation war can be decisively and perhaps conclusively won. Here's what could happen if the West doesn't capitulate gracefully at this point. Come the next Auschwitz season, where the world is once more reminded of the perils of right wing extremism, an awkward situation will present itself.
For the right wing extremist sympathisers that typically make up about 2% of many Western countries have a new toy in their box to play with. They could march the streets flying the Ukraine flag and wearing all the Azov regiment insignias. Now the Western countries if still in denial will have to tolerate and even endorse such marches.
And what would Israel make of that? More than a little awkward right? That is why the West has lost this fight to establish their own 4th Reich. They may not see it yet, but it is clear now for the rest of the civilized world to see. Cause and effect. All the right pieces are in play. There is no escape for what the West has backed and the exposure of its true right wing extremist values.
Now the billion dollar question is will the USA now proceed with its forty billion dollar handout in support of right wing extremism? Will it now knowingly pour money into the most corrupt country in Europe with the obvious consequences of arming and funding extremist organisations, even terrorists, long after the battle in Ukraine was decided? Will the USA expose itself now and forever more as being the primary sponsor of world wide terrorism? Or will one brave soul in the "land of the free" use his coveted "free speech" to block this sponsorship of evil once and for all and use the money to feed it's own babies instead who are struggling through acute food shortages? Is there an American with substance who will be remembered for single-handedly standing up to the forces of darkness? We will find out very shortly.
Congratulations Russia and the rest of the civilized world, for this monumental victory in the fight to keep the Nazis confined to history where they belong. A whole generation can breathe a sigh of relief that this spectre over Europe has once more been vanquished and defeated. I hope that my special operation against an evil blackout is equally successful. Both are required to give my daughter a happy future. But at least we are more than half the way there on both counts. That must be worthy of at least a little celebration.
19/05/22 13:49
I really want to go out in the sun today but there is more that must be written. It could be the case that time is of utmost importance. Moments after leaving the keyboard when completing my previous post I had a flash flood of new understanding. While standing at my balcony meditating to the wind rustling through the trees.
I think I could possibly help to make the difference in reversing the destiny of humanity as it looks like plunging into the abyss. I am not usually a confident person to make such a wild assertion with no formal background in the diplomacy that is needed more than anything. But there are other qualifications that matter more when the survival of the human species is so precariously balanced on a knife edge as it currently is.
The field gave me a clue at my probation meeting the other day. I am legally bound not to discuss the contents of these meetings, but this is so short a quote that out of any context offers no breach of information trust at all. Quite unexpectedly my probation officer informed me "I would be good in a debate".
I remember my reaction vividly. My head rotated to perfect alignment and my eyes locked with hers. And I smiled. It is always in these moments where communication from the great field occurs although I did not realise it this time. It felt good to have heard these words. I rarely get compliments and was not expecting any here. After a moment I answered "You imply that I can listen at least as well as I can talk?" or words very close to that effect.
Ordinarily I would feel such a complement to be a little excessive. I can sure talk a lot yes, but to be good at listening too? That's never been a strong point of mine and to have given that impression, even if only briefly, shows a great step in spiritual development has been made. Even now I would say this compliment a little generous, but perhaps things have changed more than I currently appreciate.
And so perhaps this was not a compliment, but a message from the field. An honest communication. Too honest to have come from a vested interest. It is in these moments that we communicate with the divine. My blushes are spared and the message got through. I would never have arrived at that recognition myself.
While the ability to listen is indeed of central importance to any diplomatic venture, the time and events are such that powers of honesty and reason matter more than endless listening could ever achieve. What is needed now is people of substance and integrity and a non selfish desire to see a world where children can safely grow up to become the diplomats and peoples of tomorrow.
I have experienced the unique life and have the unique skillset that could turn this horror show around. Thank you universe for showing me what you did the other day. It only finally makes sense now. Thank you for having my back and providing humanity with this opportunity for justice to be done on all fronts!
It is in times like these of desperate need that the rain forest tribes turn to those who have lived on the edge of their culture. Those who are not so fully indoctrinated to it's ways that they are blind to all that exists outside of it. Those who could never have fit with the constraints of their cultural identity. In the rain forest they refer to such people as shamans. I make no such claim, but it may be the case that I am more than adequately qualified for this role through other extraordinary means.
It is becoming an astonishing time to be alive given how all the circumstances weave and intertwine so delightfully. The extraordinary correlations between my predicament and that of the world have all come sharply into focus. The price as ever for my service to the system of darkness is the same and more concretely resolved than ever. Let me see my girl before I even consider picking up the phone. Malice or survival. Which will it be? The timings all down to you. Now we find out if anyone smart is paying attention.
19/05/22 12:50
Still feeling more at peace with myself than I have ever known. I also realise there is much more to this than I understood when I wrote the previous post. My probation appointment the other day went very well, and I relayed this incomplete understanding there too.
But now the mind that figured out the police fabrications with incomplete information has now figured out much more about the reality intended by the powers that be unknown to the vast majority of us. It is this picture of reality that accounts for this totally unexpected level of inner peace.
The reason for this inner peace can best be articulated by considering the current situation had my life followed an opposite vector. The kind of life seemingly championed by the powers that be, but which turned out to be the greatest deception of all.
If I had somehow managed to find success working all my life and somehow managed to get on the property ladder and be signed up to a life long debt, and allowed to see my only child, and somehow managed to avoid smoking and paid into a pension and all the other sacrifices of youth for comfort in old age, then I would be feeling devastated right now.
For it is quite clear now there was no intention at all for people of my generation and those who have come since to ever 'enjoy' an old age for which my entire rest of life had been compromised to aspire to. The speed and severity with which the system of darkness is racing towards nuclear conflict while funding biological warfare as an insurance backup plan, presents a situation where none of those sacrifices had any reasonable chance of coming to fruition.
Imagine how cheated I would have felt as World War Three is being actively provoked and even pursued to the maximum extent possible without actually launching first? What point in trying to raise children in an environment where only destruction of all that has been built is being sought?
Humanity has clearly made it's mind up. In this dangerous time of highest wealth and technology and weapons of mass destruction, the only hope lies in where the resources of today get spent to determine the possible outcomes of tomorrow. The resources of this time could either be allocated to improving human lives ahead of monumental changes forced by future energy scarcity, or devoted to war with a view of avoiding such shortages and changes by simply eliminating most of the life from the planet.
It is now clear that this decision has been made, and the resources available at humanity's time of greatest wealth, are being diverted to the funding of ever more lethal weaponry. This is the new world order planned by those who attend Davos and other secret societies with world domination ambitions. This is now clear for all the world to see.
As those who followed the illusions start to see through them too, they will inevitably start asking similar questions of their lifestyle decisions. This is where massive economic damage will be done assuming war hasn't broken out by then. Paying into pension funds will become undesirable when the chances of seeing any return vanishes to zero.
The great pillar of the system of darkness, the ever increasing house price will be utterly devastated as soon as it is obvious that a mortgage can never be paid off. When there is no longer enough time to sell the asset at a profit, it will lose all appeal in terms of the sacrifices required of today.
I feel that enough damage has been done, enough exposure of the true face of the systems of darkness, enough evidence that there can be no peaceful future nor retirement for anyone, for there to be any hope for a peaceful future where my mistakes and the malice against me could enact their full intended effects. There's no time for any of that to hurt me anymore.
It is stunning to me that the rich and successful aren't occupying the streets to protest like no protest that ever came before. Are they cowards beyond belief? Are they so stupid as to not see what I can so clearly see? Do they believe that they have a place in the future simply because they own a house or two and have the armour of a private pension? None of these things will save any of them.
Even the super-rich wont have time to make it into space. I think the issues outlined here will start to slowly creep into the consciousness of people all around. There is a chance that the failed bid of the systems of darkness pursuit of world domination could avoid the future the powers had planned for us ordinary people. But that will be very messy indeed as there was never a long term plan for any other outcome.
I knew the 'all in it together' nonsense and 'keeping people safe' mantras were a total deception during the Covid 'crisis'. It is clear now by the reactions of the systems of darkness to the epidemic was because Covid was a product of biological weapons research that got out of control. It's the only rational conclusion to the extreme reactions of the powerful to what the rest of us saw as nothing more than a nasty strain of flu.
Of course I could still be wrong. Or I could be right but by some miracle humanity finds peace for at least another generation. But hindsight is a wonderful thing is it not? In a world with no certainties we can only play an odds game until the final curtain falls. And the odds game at the moment and for the foreseeable future is not at all favourable for those who have made sacrifices today for the benefit of a hopeful and increasingly unrealistic tomorrow.
If had to make my lifestyle decisions based on advance knowledge that the world would be racing towards WW3 as it is now, then I doubt I would have changed much of what I have done. It is also comforting that my eventual life specialisation turned out to be what these empires of darkness most needed even though they are far too blind and prejudiced to see.
It's validation of who I am and all I have done that is the cause of the inner peace I'm feeling now. Yes making the sacrifice for my little girl was a big p[art as I indicated the other day. But it was not the whole story. That is unravelling before all of ours eyes both today and in all the days that might reasonably come if things don't go to plan for the empires of darkness as they crumble all around us.
If there was ever a good time NOT to be a parent it has to be now of all times. This is the only scenario where it might be better to never have seen a day of one's only child's childhood. The scenario where none of them will ever grow up to become their adult selves. Imagine how painful it must be to raise children where there is no hope for their future? By an extraordinary stroke of luck, this is one reality it would appear I will never have to suffer. There probably wont even be enough time left to suffer the consequences of my terrible smoking habit.
At this end of times it must be enough to know that I saw through the deceptions of the empire of darkness enough to not serve its terrible cause and to have not funded any of its equally terrifying activities. While my resistance and skills may not save the world it certainly helped slow down the progress and intentions of a system of darkness hell bent on the destruction of the world and all who live on it.
Only if the system of darkness is destroyed or forced to change it's direction will I be part of any future human endeavour of note. And they will have to come to me, to apologise, to let me see my girl, before I will give them anything that could help reverse the direction of the path they have chosen. Until then I will watch as their wicked plans fall to pieces and enjoy the descent into oblivion of all that they once held dear.
15/05/22 14:39
I think I have a little insight today into why I am experiencing this most prolonged period of inner peace I have ever known. I'm trying not to think about it too much. There is that saying that one shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, and while it is the most ridiculously worded saying I ever encountered, it's meaning is truly unambiguous.
I have pondered whether it came as a result of gaining a criminal record. I have wondered whether it was because I found courage that I never knew I had. I have been trying to sense in the field whether something amazing has happened to turn this story around. Is it because one of my most mortal enemies has got what they may have deserved? I don't think it is any of these.
There is one possibility that I cant shake off. The single most important thing a parent can do for his or her child, is to make sure the child knows it was always loved. Unconditional love at that. And while I have never had the chance to even properly see my only child, I sense I have achieved that most fundamental of parental responsibilities. She will know for sure she was loved. Exactly as I told the magistrates after they sentenced me. They didn't disagree either.
That love can perhaps only be truly shown through total self sacrifice in some way. Perhaps what has happened to me is that sacrifice. I have certainly gained nothing for myself from what has happened. What has been lost is gone forever, only it's effects resonate around the consciousness field as can be seen all around if enough attention is paid.
That sacrifice by the parent for the child is an essential step in our spiritual development as human beings. One that I was being mercilessly prevented from achieving. It is the fulfilling of that most fundamental sacrifice and obligation to our children that is the source of this inner peace. That is why even breaking the law was absolutely essential. It's not at all because I am criminal minded, it was simply an obstacle in fulfilling my most fundament responsibility to my child. The law just happened to be in the way.
This summation can be illustrated best by how the law was really defeated. It wasn't by me. It was by a little girl who found the magic token that proved she had a Dad who loved her. Right under the nose of a police car that could have been no further than 30 metres away at the time. When I wasn't even there. Destiny and justice in one beautiful unforgettable moment.
Proof if it were needed that the light can indeed triumph over the darkness. Even if only for a while. May this always be the case.
14/05/22 10:40
What a beautiful day, the warmest morning yet this year for me. I seem to have found a place so calm that I have lost all interest in all ambitious projects. This would usually worry me that I was unmotivated or being lazy or some other unacceptable position. But I realise now that there is a great need to relax and take things easy after the traumatic years I have had to endure.
I have definitely broken the relentless torture spell. Or it has been broken for me. There is a sense of justice even though the actions and events I know of hardly suggest anything other than the opposite. I have never felt inner peace like I do now. Maybe a sense of pride in who I am and the things I have done. I can't be sure because I have never felt this way before.
So gone are the motivations to attack the system of darkness using every fibre of my being and capability. That mindset only leads to becoming indistinguishable from the enemy, in effect joining their ranks inadvertently. Nature has shown me it is possible to get justice without having to take on the entire fight myself. Nature would seem to support those who retain their integrity and put themselves at risk to do the right thing.
I look around and see all the retribution and justice I could possibly have imagined come to fruition without any link back to myself. I find myself grateful to the forces that nourish our souls in such difficult times. My loyalty to the human cause seems to have been recognized. By freeing me of the need to enact justice myself I find myself with time to perhaps once more serve the human cause in constructive manner.
From the culture I was raised in, and given my personal nature, I could never have seen a path to the deep connection with nature that I surely must have earned. Born in a concrete jungle with the pinnacle of spirituality offered by a children's book backed by an imaginary deity in the image of an arrogant monkey. As far from the deep connection to nature enjoyed by the surviving rain forest tribes as could be.
It's no bad thing therefore for life to have reached a point that could never have been expected nor foreseen. That is a life where real growth has taken place of the kind humanity so desperately needs. Nature has given me an inner peace in recognition of this use of a human life. I see now quite clearly that which money never could, and never will, be able to buy. That which dying empires with an appetite only for their past memories of a twisted sense of glory will never be able to get their hands on.
That cheerful saying about life is what we make it. It is evident that this saying is more applicable to the human race in general than it is to any specific individual in difficult circumstances. I look around to see the perfection, the results, the irrefutable evidence, that the system of darkness claims to hold dear to it's dark heart. And I see that it is as far from perfection as it is possible to be. Their moral positions are not worthy of even the slightest recognition.
I sense my time remaining is short, and that is no bad thing in a world destined only to get much worse than today. There is no need to fight anymore, humanity has chosen it's path and whatever future that brings I will not be required to play a part. That's another reason to leave aside the ambitious projects for younger others to make their mark.
This is brand new territory for me. I have never had any resemblance to the sense of inner peace that I am feeling now. I have been very isolated recently with hardly any human contact and it hasn't bothered me in the slightest. It is almost a pleasure to just be existing without pain. To feel the sun, to hear the bird's infinitely variable songs that can never be tired of.
There is nothing man can make or do that can hold a candle to the magic and majesty present in the nature it built economies to oppose and fight. I am so grateful that my eternity will be in the warm embrace of nature and not in the malicious vice grip of that which seeks to destroy her. A venture in which you will never find success. We guarantee it.
13/05/22 10:24
Just been staring out the window for last two hours letting the mind wander. I feel the need to disconnect from current affairs for a while. I can have no doubts they have provided great healing and distraction moments when they were most needed. The uncanny parallels in the domains of pattern and timing are clearly demonstrable. This has helped make what has happened to me far less personal. To someone labelled as paranoid such assurance is of immense value.
But as with all good things there is a clear and present danger with getting too involved, particularly emotionally. I am not a person with much inherent interest in the current affairs of a world that has been dysfunctional for as long as I can remember. It is enough that I have had my call for justice answered in a way that has allowed me to start healing from the wounds of the last 8 years.
Now feels like the time to try and let go of the past. Easy words that previously held no comfort nor meaning. But perhaps now is the time to try again. The only way I could possibly engage with the official child access routes was if I had a mechanism in play that would protect me from being abused by that system. I think I might have that now. So the time is right to give that system a chance.
All I have ever really needed is some expert support in following the child access procedures. They are known to be extremely difficult for even the healthiest and strongest of men. What chance alone do I have with a mental health label that just makes me a target of abuse with no support on offer? There is no support. Only obstacles. Obstacles that increase over time.
But perhaps I have made my own support. Certainly the best I could do. This could be enough to have a go myself at filing the right forms. Or maybe contact a family court solicitor. I couldn't really do these things while my court case was still active but now it's completed there should be no reason not to start it now.
Despite the negative implications of what I have called the injunction, I have to first concede the word injunction isn't written anywhere on any of the documentation. It's actually a restraining order and I do not know if that is the same thing. The terms are interesting. They only apply to my individual attempts to make contact by my own means. Now given that individual efforts were always implicitly disallowed, all this document serves to do is to make that which was implicit explicit instead! (I never expected those two words to immediately follow one another). Therefore there is no injunction. That would have been helpful to have been explained to me when I was angry. Maybe I didn't hear if it was.
So there is no restraining order if I follow one of the official routes of access. Furthermore my offence proves I am not a man of violence which is of course a very important consideration before allowing access to children. A bit of support could have reduced so much suffering.
The main obstacle I think is a need to get away from the whole subject to rebuild my mental and physical health. I haven't been able to write up the book of all that has happened for this reason too. I just have all the official papers stacked in neat piles awaiting integration. The family court route by myself will involve research and phone calls and possibility of making mistakes and getting robbed if I'm not careful, which would all serve to fuel negative emotions and put me back in the daily tortured state that I am so desperately trying to avoid.
But somehow if there is a time to try that route, to risk all those things, then it must be soon, if not now. What a difference it would make if people with mental health labels and especially criminal offenders, could count on some support in tackling difficult and precarious procedures that are designed to be tough for even the healthiest and strongest of individuals?
If that difference existed there would be no need for the things I had to endure and do. But in the absence of that difference, in the harsh reality of lack of coherent or meaningful support, then the lay of the land has been shaped to provide me with the best chance of taking on the official route I could possibly have had.
An hour or so before writing this I was aware only of fragments of what has now been explored. I didn't have the coherent big picture these realisations seem to paint. In fact I was determined not to write anything today for fear of making things worse. But to have a fear of making things worse, there has to be something perceived to be good on the horizon. How a faint hope on a horizon can rise to light up a new world of possibility after staring at nature for an hour or two. There's more to see in nature than a TV could ever show. I don't even have a TV.
12/05/22 09:12
I just had an idea of how I could actively help the innocent civilians of Ukraine and the cause of exposing the truth in one special operation. A website running a forum for active and returning aid volunteers to report on what is happening out there. This would also allow relatives to keep updated on the safety of their loved ones in such dangerous times.
The great weakness of such an idea is that it would be vulnerable to being flooded with fake accounts to dilute the reality of what the aid workers report with fake propaganda instead. So membership must be heavily vetted. Well this could be easy. Insist that all new accounts be vetted by known genuine aid workers. It is highly likely these aid workers have not been operating individually.
These people will have worked closely together and formed unbreakable bonds. It would not be unreasonable to insist that each new account be vetted by at least two verified accounts. A series of questions that only those who were there could possibly have known. Questions imposters could not have a chance of even guessing correctly. Questions for which there are no easy answers on the internet. This and internal policing of content by those who were there would ensure that disinformation and propaganda was minimized to the point of being ineffective.
Allow public read access but limit content production to the vetted members only, for those are the ones who were there, and it is their story that needs to be told. They are plenty of other platforms available for the voices of those who were not there.
All that needs to be found to start such a forum is reliable contact with a few confirmed returned aid workers free from political influence. Such a forum should not be launched until this bedrock is in place. I'm putting this idea out there in full knowledge someone could get there first. I have no problem with that, I'm not seeking anything but the truth to be exposed, and I am sure there are better people than me for starting and administering such a forum.
Such a forum could change public opinion to the point that global war is avoided and to put an end to far right extremism for at least another generation. Such a forum could make a world for our children to grow up in and live their lives with some semblance of quality and decency. The first step would be to find and talk to any returning aid workers.
11/05/22 20:57
What I can see now the tide has fully retreated is a world almost beyond recognition. Humanity seemed to think it could be the master of nature herself. That it could build it's castles on the sand and use it's sense of superiority, in truth its arrogance, to triumph over nature and hold back the tide. For a while it appeared that the life support system of those fools had indeed been succumbed and bent to their will. Their illusions intensified to the point where they believed that their slice of nature was theirs and theirs alone, and so invented the concept of private property. They fought and enslaved each other from then on to hold this principle closest to their darkened hearts.
As the tide inevitably came back in they could still be seen fighting to protect their private property from each other, because by the end they knew of no other way. I see before me now the full extent of the folly and arrogance of humanity. Those who claim to act in the best interests of children have in just a few weeks irreversibly scorched all of their futures for no good reason at all.
My child and thousands of others in this country are about to enter an era of rapid and possibly terminal decline. The age of cheap energy has been squandered today with an effect that will last for all their lifetimes. That is if they are even given the opportunity to grow into adults. Our countries have shown ourselves to be barbarians on the world stage, having no respect for basic human values of any kind.
Nor respect for any of the values we have proclaimed as being civilised. Such as the rule of law, the sanctity of private property, the presumption of innocence until found guilty. The right to a fair trial. The right to defend oneself. The right to see one's own child. All sacrificed in an instant for the rest of the world to see. A world that will never forget what it saw. A world that cannot continue as it was.
I don't know how it took me so long to acquire a criminal record under such a regime. I do better understand why I could not fit with it in general. To be well adjusted to such a terrible lack of human values would not have been a sign of good mental health by any reasonable measure.
Things are quite different this time. Those who have the most to lose are the wealthy among us. It is they who should be rallying against their foolish leaders trying their best to scorch all their private property and their blood lines. The poor have nothing to lose but themselves, and that's not so much to lose once the world has been set on fire. I wonder how good the wealthy are at demonstrating? Or will they use methods and equipment not available to us ordinary people?
It will be fascinating to see what the aid workers and volunteers have to say upon their return from Ukraine. These are brave individuals committed to doing the right thing no matter what pressures may be exerted on them to do otherwise. A French aid worker, an ex-marine, has already spilled the beans on the reality of what is going on in Ukraine that the Western media has sacrificed everything to conceal. He has video evidence of the Azov battalions committing war crimes and exposing their Nazi ideals. In this age of information technology, there is no way all of them and all their evidence will be silenced.
Systems of darkness absolutely depend on total control of the narrative. They absolutely must cover their tracks with no leaks for their illusions to hold up to any kind of scrutiny. It is impossible to do this in the age of information. It is as true for Ashington as it is true for the rest of the world. Blackouts motivated by evil and fuelled by deception will always fail over time. The truth can take the pressure of being tested. Lies require unwavering faith. The truth is happy to be questioned. The deception gets angry when questioned. That is the easy way to tell the difference.
I think we will start to see widespread civil unrest soon. I sense that the slow start in this direction is a sign that when it comes it will be as brutal and unrelenting as the malice that has been shown me over the last few years. It will be interesting to see how that angle plays out. What a far cry from peacefully raising our children to the best of our abilities it will be?If ever there was a good time not to be a parent, I guess I would have to admit it is now. The world seems to have adapted to my situation better than I could ever have done myself. How terribly fortunate for me that unspeakable forces came to my aid at a time I needed them most during a battle I could not win. What strange things will come to be as a consequence of unrelenting malice without due cause? I had no idea it might look like this. I wonder how the story will end? How will we be when the tide comes back in? Take all the time you need.
11/05/22 11:58
My fingers are cold for some reason and perhaps a little typing might warm them up. There are changes condensing in me that I have the urge to document as they happen for I sense these changes will be life defining for me. I remember trying my best to adapt to the awful situation I found myself in and yet no matter what I tried I just couldn't make the changes I needed. I think at last I may now know why.
As a result of having my soul shaken to its core by unthinkable malice directed towards me for no reason, I became an utterly broken human being as was intended. I could do nothing about it. I was powerless to do anything about the daily torture levied on me. This evil was then reinforced by the system of darkness as it exposed it's true brutal nature as it too did it's best to push me over the edge in an attempt to knowingly try and finish me off. Again for no reason given. Just because they could and their hearts are full of darkness.
This resulted in me both being very broken and extremely angry. More angry than I have ever known in my life and by a long way. Nothing I could have done could have prepared me for this. It was this justifiable anger that was preventing me from accepting the situation that I could not change and making the necessary adaptations to function in any meaningful manner.
Over the last week or so this anger has been gradually subsiding. It is akin to the tide receding after a particularly stormy high tide. As the angry sea retreats the reformed state of the beach is slowly revealed. Rather than the expected destruction being revealed for all to see I find that instead there is a different landscape on view. How foolish of me to have expected the castles that were built before the last high tide would still remain in any recognizable manner after the tide of change has done it's thing?
I mentioned hacking in the previous post. I shared my brief encounter with the concept from years ago and also expressed my general lack of interest in specialization in such matters. But today I realise that assertion is not quite as accurate as I thought it was. I will explain why I thought this direction was not for me and for agile intelligent youngsters instead.
One of my personal flaws has been the need to know everything about a subject before I will actively engage in it. This led to costing me twenty years of my life learning all I could know about technical computing. The ratio of knowledge used compared to that learned has been terrible. I doubt I even used 10% of all the effort and learning and time I put into this subject.
Once I recognized this I vowed never again to take on a subject so big that I would be forever learning and never really achieving anything of consequence. This led to my abandoning computing and learning another subject where I reversed this natural flaw. I learned something where only a very small amount of prior knowledge led to astonishing results. The complete reverse of the poor value from computing knowledge.
I could only return to computing if I could set and follow defined goals and for solid reasons. The projects could not be overly ambitious and must stand a good chance of reaching completion. This is why I abandoned programming for sophisticated computers and wrote the LED effect system for much simpler embedded processors instead. This website was a bit of an exception but something I absolutely had to do.
Now hacking is something I perceived as requiring almost infinite knowledge that must be forever updated in order to pull off anything worthwhile or meaningful. But now I realise that assertion was wrong. Hacking is really just a fashionable term for information warfare, whereby success or failure is entirely context dependent and nothing at all to do with mathematics or complex formulas, or even rooted entirely in clever computer code. It is about achieving a clearly defined information objective against forces hell bent on resisting that objective.
If before I had done what I have, I was asked what would I consider the greatest information warfare objective I could achieve, I would have immediately responded my desire and need to let my daughter know who her Dad was. And against all the odds that is exactly what I pulled off. So in a sense I have already achieved the greatest hacking objective I could possibly have imagined.
Now it is a Hollywood illusion that hacking is primarily a computer based activity. It is much more about skills such as social engineering and creative thinking, skills that have grown on me almost imperceptibly until the sum total of their effects were shown in such dramatic and effective fashion. I have pulled off the greatest hack, the greatest information warfare stunt that I could possibly have achieved.
I haven't been able to look at what happened this way because, as the evidence has shown I did everything I did solely for the benefit of my little girl, with no perceivable benefit to myself. There was nothing but suffering for me throughout this whole episode, and indeed the last eight years. It is only now as the anger subsides that I am able to see this at all, and why I am furiously writing it all down now.
I know now that extreme anger, and perhaps extreme emotion in general must be allowed to burn itself out. Attempts to suppress such emotions will always fail. Extreme anger is the force for extreme change. Changes beyond our wildest imaginations. Changes that could not be initiated or completed any other way.
I was going to write about plans of what to do next but I now realise I must let the tide fully retreat to see the full landscape that is revealed. One of the greatest prizes being revealed by the retreating tide is that the daily torture levied by the forces of darkness is not hurting quite so much as it used to.
Anger takes a lot of energy. We only have a limited amount of energy to use each day, and less each day as we age. My new situation is one that I have never before known. I have pride in what I have done that I never had before. I have more abilities than I ever had before. I have justifications for all kinds of actions and activities that were previously not on the table of possibility.
It was necessary to become an entirely different person to who I was before, in order to truly adapt and heal. A feat I considered impossible, after all, how can we change from who we are? The answer turns out to be extreme circumstances and especially extreme injustice. Their is no greater catalyst for complete transformation than extreme injustice.
The painful changes seem to have already been made, it is just a case of waiting for the tide to fully retreat to understand their full extent and to see the new big picture. Then and only then should I start to act on the newly revealed path. I have survived the malice and must now become that which the forces of malice made me become. We are all a product of our environments. I never expected a life that would be defined by extraordinary achievements. But that appears to be an unavoidable destiny right now.
My fingers have finally warmed up. But the rest of my body has become cold. I am sure there is a lesson here too, which I will ponder in bed while I hopefully warm up again.
09/05/22 18:49
A third post today but of such different material that it made no sense to append to either of the previous two. I was about to complete my research on which VPN package to buy when it dawned on me that this may be a step in a direction so far unexplored be me. And perhaps surprisingly so given my supposed criminal tendencies.
With my skills and motivations it is surprising I have never before used a computer for clandestine use. But now I must make the step to VPN to circumvent the darkness of fascism. Just as Boris Johnson suggested to the Russians. But why stop there? Why not make the move to a secure operating system such as Tails too? Which when combined with the Tor browser safely opens up the potential of the dark web for all kinds of possibilities not available on the clear web. Now that I have a criminal record surely the dark web is where I should operate since it's full of criminals right?
I will be honest I know nothing about this stuff. I kept my computing activities to constructive creative things that hopefully change peoples lives for the better. I know my LED programming has brought much delight to adults and children alike at festivals and other opportunities to show my contributions.
That said I do have a few tools I wrote years ago that could be construed as a little mischievous. First up was very own brutal encryption mechanism. It was a defensive measure in case I am forced to work for the forces of darkness. It allows me to encrypt files that only I could decode. I also wrote a delivery system that knows about system backups and so allows a payload to slowly cause damage over time to ensure all backups in a weekly rota would be compromised. It would be a bit silly to do the damage all in one go allowing the target to simply restore to the previous days backup in order to get off the hook wouldn't it? I think I have a skeleton framework for remotely operating other computers too but it's probably of little use these days. I never used any of these things. I never had just cause. So they are all unknown to modern security software. Once known they lose their power. So only use when absolutely necessary.
Hacking and virus writing aren't really my thing. That's the domain of the incredibly bright youngsters of today and tomorrow. I'm too old for that kind of thing now. But the need for security against a system of darkness that wants its subjects to only follow the trash on the state media cannot be ignored any longer. I am so glad I never paid for a TV licence and after I saw the true extent of the state TV deceptions recently and its elimination of competition, it is a certainty that I never will. To pay for state propaganda of no value to the viewer whatsoever? They must be joking.
So I find myself at a crossroad forced by the need to acquire deceptive VPN software. Deceptive because its primary function is to misrepresent which country you are accessing the internet from, thus evading blocks such as the UK government has placed on us all, as well as advising the Russians on how to circumvent such blocks. What lies further down the path that VPN opens up?
Usually when I embark on a path I have at least some idea of where it is I am heading. For the first time I have no idea. It's actually quite refreshing and perhaps even a little exciting. Usually when the system of darkness forces action by myself it is a traumatic or at least unpleasant experience. But this time the feeling is entirely different. Maybe its because they made me a criminal for wanting to see my only child? Who knows. Destiny awaits.
I better get that VPN sorted so I can catch up on today's news. I would like to see the second half of the Moscow Victory Parade too. I missed all the huge mobile nuclear missile vehicles they had on show. It would be a shame to be hit by nuclear missiles that you had never seen prior to launch wouldn't it? I want to zoom in and see if any of them have anyone's name written on them. It's good to be informed.
09/05/22 17:18
Those who like to see me punished will be pleased to hear I paid my entire court costs in one go today on the last day of the deadline. It reduced my current account bank balance by 25%. Money that should have gone to my little girl has instead made it's way to the coffers of the system of darkness.
By paying in a single transaction the enemy wont get a chance to cause me further punishment and mental difficulty. It was worth every penny for all that has been achieved. I fully understand what the oil industry mean when they write these things off as the cost of doing business. I would do it again in an instant given the same circumstances indicating precisely zero remorse and maximum pride in what I have done.
I will get my little girls money back in time using methods that will be as hurtful to the system of darkness as I possibly can. I have the motivation for it and I can't stand debts not being repaid in full with interest where circumstances justify such extras such as this. Over the years I have earned many times what I just had to pay through similar mechanisms.
So now to the future. As my probation officer asked me "what are the chances of me not re-offending?" I would rather phrase this question as "what chance is there of me being a law abiding citizen whilst being denied every moment of my only child's childhood for no reason?" The answer is the same to both questions. Not a chance in hell.
It is my sworn mission to make absolutely certain that it was neither in my little girl's or the system's best interest to do what they have done to do us both. I will make the system of darkness pay very dearly for it's crimes against humanity. I know of no other way than to follow the light of truth and oppose the darkness of lies and deceptions. It's too late to change now and I have been given no incentive to do so.
09/05/22 13:35
A brief return given the significance of the moment. An hour or so ago the Russia Today news channel website finally got cut off from my and presumably all Virgin Media connections. Right in the middle of the live broadcast of Russia's victory over the Nazi's to end the last world war in Europe. I wonder what type of political ideology would pick such a time in an effort to rewrite history? It shouldn't take that long.
I am not one to brag about my achievements but it is worth noting that this website which shares the same values of truth and critical thinking with the Russian point of view is still standing. Whilst in opposition to the exact same system of darkness that seeks to promote only lies and blackouts of the truth. More proof that I could not have done any more than I have against such regimes of darkness.
Luckily whilst watching the Russian news channel to expose the extent of the British lies and deceptions, our esteemed leader Boris Johnson appeared with a message intended for all ordinary Russian people. He told us we could use VPN to circumvent political bans on our right to freedom of information in a wired world. Being the first time I ever saw a British leader offering immediately beneficial practical advice I wondered if he knew the VPN door swung both ways, and if such privileges are offered to us UK people. Nowhere to be found was this helpful advice. Why would he not tell British people how to access good information in the same way he did for the Russians? Must have slipped his mind.
So, on behalf of the British Government, I relay our leader's words here for you to benefit from just as myself and the Russians did who were watching their TV at the time. VPN or Virtual Private Networking is your friend in times of blackout regimes. What's good for the goose must be good for the gander right? Unless words such as goose and gander have been undefined in British law. In which case such phrases can mean anything you want. Just like the criminal offence I was charged with.
It is good to know that I can oppose this system of darkness with all I have in certainty of being true to my ideals of being an honest and decent person. The labels by a system of deception have no intrinsic meaning and are nothing to be concerned about. Sometimes illusions have to be fought with illusions to set ourselves free. I can now move forward with all I have learned with a totally clear conscience. And just a little pride that I retained my integrity no matter what evil wrongdoing was thrown at me. If I were religious I might perhaps be self assured of my place in heaven. Since I am not and never will be, it must be that I am playing for a much higher prize than the religious type are.
I wonder if VPN might be required to access this site one day? If it is, then a message will appear among you in the places that matter advising you all this is the case. It shouldn't be too hard to write three letters in a conspicuous place by a third party without breaking any of my injunction conditions. Just mentioning it here might spread the word, it is official government advice after all. I saw it on TV :)
05/05/22 11:12
A moment of clarity I must seize. I feel I have now been pushed and provoked so far that any kind of discussion of proportional response or reasonable adaptation can only get me into further trouble. I am in an impossible position and the red lines of decency have clearly been irreversibly crossed.
Due to the constraints of the ruling regime I'm not even allowed to discuss my only child on here or indeed anywhere that could be heard. That makes it impossible to continue updating this site in a relevant and appropriate manner. All indications are that it has been entirely legal up till this point and so it would be prudent for me to step away from further regular updates such as this diary.
I will still give the seemingly failed promise for assistance in gaining access to my only child through appropriate channels a chance even though I know deep down it's just another system of darkness deception. If it works out positively I will report it here. If it doesn't, then it makes no sense to both endanger my little girl's site and to give the enemy any unnecessary intel that may be detrimental to the effectiveness of my responses.
I realise now that this brutal system of darkness does not only seek to enforce it's will through physical violence, but through mental violence as well. This combination of both can be used to break even the strongest human being down so that he or she is provoked into a response that they then have a law to punish them with.
Their main weakness from pushing people over the edge at a time when they would not survive long enough to face the consequences, is their system of deterrence via extreme deprivation of liberty no longer has the desired effect. Under this circumstance it is essential to keep one's thoughts and activities private in order to maximise effectiveness for the opportunities this situation presents.
This diary seems to have served it's purpose. It shows a day by day account documenting the year of torture that pushed a human being over the edge through no fault of his own. It also proves to my little girl that there was a never a day that went by that her Dad wasn't tortured by not being able to have contact with her. That alone will disprove all the lies and deceptions she will inevitably have been told.
Farewell diary for now, I hope I never have to return here again.
05/05/22 09:08
Desperately needing to find reasons to stay alive this morning. I found a couple that I must try and hold onto. Firstly the only way to match the malice shown me over all these years is to make sure I use her birthday to maximum effect. Secondly I realise I can cause far more damage to the system of darkness by staying alive till that day than to quit now.
In fact by doing nothing at all, I will pull almost double the financial penalty levied at me in a single month. Furthermore if I use those resources intelligently I can cause massive collateral damage as long as I elevate to the pure levels of malice shown me. At this level no reasonable motivational causes for incidents can be found. This will be key to stopping police drawing links between myself and what get's done and what can be proven was down to me. Even if things go wrong there will always be the mutual destruction opportunity of one form or another.
I am sure if I put my mind to these ends I will be able to come up with some devastating and effective ideas that leave no traces. I already thought of a couple of things this morning, and these can be built on to develop ever more effective solutions. If I am to lose my life for reasons of pure malice then it is essential I return my compliments in the best and most effective way I can.
04/05/22 19:11
I have been trying to figure out why I take my injunction with me everywhere I go. I asked my probation officer if she thought that a little strange and she thought it was. I finally figured it out. It's my death sentence. It's my passport away from unrelenting suffering till my last breath.
It has now fully sunk in that I will never get to see my only child for no reason other than malice. The hopeless question to social services when my name isn't even on the birth certificate is nothing more than a token gesture at helping a human being in desperate need of basic human decency.
An injunction is a death sentence with a single choice. A showdown in the banned area with no hope of walking away alive, or quiet suicide alone. I think I will choose the latter as I think I have lost the will to even want to see my girl even for that final moment. If the injunction is not a death sentence, then it is the system of darkness way of enforcing a human being to miss every day of his only child's childhood for state endorsed malice. Which is so unthinkable that death is the only rational choice.
I wonder how many injunctions end up as death sentences? I wonder how often the choices mentioned are played out? If the frequency is high then perhaps these are intended consequences? I can't really see any other way such a sentence could play out. This must be the system way of telling me that my death is in my only child's best interest. Such a different value system to my own. I could never adapt to this degree of malice.
The closer I die to the serving of this injunction the more like a death sentence it will look to those who matter and who know what happened. Everyone who ever read this website will now that an injunction of the kind served on me could not have been anything other than a death sentence. Therefore the system of darkness served this sentence on me deliberately and with maximum malice possible with full prior knowledge of what it would achieve.
The good news is this means I don't have to wait for her birthday anymore. It will be enough to die under the terms of the death sentence served on me to convince her of the unambiguous reason for my death. I am sure she will be happy that my suffering had finally come to an end without her ever having to know how I was suffering at the time. That will make it easier for her to deal with throughout her adult life. She will clearly see that killing her Dad was in her best interests as they all repeatedly claim.
Also good is I didn't get to pay my fine in full today. I didn't pay any of it. The quicker I die the quicker I can make sure my only child gets the money instead of it being used to buy weapons to kill innocent civilians which is what the system of darkness would do with it. I can't bring myself to fund terrorism, there's too much evil in the world already without my contributing to it.
I am glad that reality has been revealed to me quickly. It would have been much harder if the promise of assistance to gain access to my child through the appropriate channels had been real. That would have strung me along for another year or more of suffering before arriving at the same result. I gave it everything but now there is no chance of a result there is no need to continue this relentless torture without end. Congratulations to all those who wanted to see her Dad dead before she ever got to see him. May you all burn in hell for your crimes against humanity.
04/05/22 07:36
Although I am doing my best to be as positive as possible, I don't get the sense that anyone is trying to resolve the situation. I don't think there is really much more I can do to influence any positive outcomes from my present position. I have done all I can and must now trust in fate and higher powers if they exist. Either I get to see my girl while she is still a child or the world will burn one way or another. That much is quite clear now.
I think that at some stage I must stop preparing for a positive outcome and start preparing for the more likely scenario that is clearly unfolding all around us. It could be that total collapse of the empire as a consequence of war might be my only remaining chance, and therefore the only remaining outcome on the table.
This will probably be better for my mental health than the terribly gutting feeling of the pointless optimism that comes from having faith in humanity that the right thing will be done. The same feeling that comes from the results of hoping justice will be done in environments where such hopes are never realized.
I have got to start accepting too that I have to all intents and purposes lost every meaningful moment of my only child's childhood already. None of what has been stolen can be recovered. The only compensation as of now is the brutal empire itself is obviously in terminal decline now. It is very important for the future of humanity (if there is to be one) that evil not be allowed to prosper under any circumstances.
Today I am going to pay my total court costs in one go since it will be coming from the £1000 I offered in my letter begging to see my only child before I died. So the same money that would have gone to support my only child will be going to fund the system that prevents her from having her Dad in her life. That seems pretty evil to me and I would fully expect there to be consequences via proxy for this perverse example of what the system of darkness claims is acting in a child's best interest. Yeah, take her money to buy weapons to kill people in foreign lands while pushing your own people into poverty.
My promise to my only child is that I will make that money back up in a way that hurts the system of darkness to the maximum extent of my abilities. There is no way she should be paying for the crimes of the adults around her hell bent on denying her her Dad. I think anyone with a shred of decency left in them would agree that innocent children should not have to pay for the crimes of adults.
I got this irritating shoulder injury that I am having trouble shaking off. I have tried resting to heal it with no success. I think today I need to try the physical activity approach to try and free up whatever is stuck. Not the nicest day out there for the van roof washing task that would seem to fit the bill. As well as maybe helping fix my shoulder it should be a good mental health task.
In summary despite the evidence suggesting my optimism is once again misplaced, I am determined to hold up a positive front until my suspicions and deeper intuitions are confirmed beyond reasonable doubt. I do after all have the right insurance policy in place to guard against the worst case scenario of never having a chance of ever seeing my only child.
03/05/22 17:17
Today started really shakily and I quickly became aware that I could easily be back on the ragged edge by the time of my probation appointment at 1:00pm. In a way the last appointment was so early I didn't have time for the ravages of reality to sink its teeth into my day. So this appointment might be more representative of my mental state than the previous one which went exceptionally well.
I realised I hadn't eaten dinner last night, I couldn't face it. So I made myself eat a bacon and egg sandwich which made me sleepy. I never usually get sleepy so early in the morning after a good nights sleep but I lay down anyway and then awoke again with just an hour till the appointment. That was lucky. I had a quick wash as I hadn't since my previous appointment but was guilty of wearing the same clothes.
I set off in good time still and arrived early so had chance for a smoke and to steady any nerves. Far from the ragged edge I was back to about the best I can be, so not as representative as this diary for example, but good for what needed to be done, which will ultimately be in my girl's best interest too. It wont serve her best interests unless I am on good form even though I am in a n impossible situation.
The meeting went really well I think. I communicated everything I reasonably could and hopefully was able to show the gentler and more constructive side of my nature. As opposed the rabbit caught in headlights horror show which has been the dominant me for so long. I got to show the sixteen million colour LED light that I built by hand and have documented on this site.
I'm gaining trust and extending my hand of friendship as much as I can under the circumstances. There is a continued worry that the force of help I that was to be part of my sentence is still not evident. It looks more like asking social services for permission rather than following through with a court order. This change from a certainty to just a possibility is dangerous for sure, but I must have faith the courts communicated what they knew they needed to communicate accurately.
Everything is staked on the deal being kept to as indicated and witnessed by my friends and family in court. This is a deal breaker and why I have mentioned it in both meetings now. I will mention it every meeting until clarification or otherwise is obtained.
After probation I went to see my Mum to tell her about the two appointments had so far. I had to be patient as she was on the phone for over an hour trying to solve bill problems on her basic pension. When I heard her saying she can't afford to use the cooker much anymore my blood boiled for the first time today. Money to give missiles to Nazis to kill civilians but none to protect the vulnerable old people of their own country.
If I find that my Mum is being forced to cut back on heating and hot food at her late years with her declining health, in addition to being denied her grand daughter, then I fear I might just up the criminal stakes to get extra money to my Mum. If there is not one thing tempting me into a life of crime, it's another at the moment. After a lifetime of no criminal activity of consequence. What's happened to the world?
Anyway, overall a good day and I'm feeling calm tonight. I do hope I'm not being taken for a fool. I do hope that someone in authority recognizes I have to see my only child or they will have to shoot me dead. I'm ok with either option. I'm flexible like that.
02/05/22 17:51
Had to get out the flat today after the anger still felt this morning. I went to the oval race circuit near to where I live to watch the bank holiday banger racing. Met my friend there who had just rebuilt one of the participants hot rod race engines. The driver was meant to be running this newly re-bored engine in gently but it was obvious the heat of the racing instinct got the better of him. He picked a fight he shouldn't have and crashed.
Was good to see the demolition derby that somehow satisfied the desire to see some destruction. Maybe that defused some of the anger. Maybe I should have a go. I'm lucky to have a friend who has raced there years and he could help set me up with a race car. I used to like racing when younger and won a trophy every time there was one to win.
Am exhausted now which is good, so looks like I will be having an extremely early night. Got probation again tomorrow so hope that goes well. I am determined to do the best I can with the probation service as it is now my only real hope for resolution. I don't have writing fluency at the moment which is good too.
I sense that the most important thing to find now is a peaceful state of mind. I have done enough to deserve some inner peace. I just got to find it in a way that will stick for a few days in a row. Must rest now.
Couldn't sleep this early. I think I have figured out why I am so struggling to find a consistent positive mindset. Deep down I realise I will never get to see my only child. That means all that remains of my life is to be tortured to death without any chance of mercy. It is this which does strange things to the human mind.
When there is no escape from being tortured to death, the survival instinct that usually lies at the core of consciousness is completely destroyed and absent. I don't think the human mind is equipped to deal with a total loss of survival instinct. It becomes pre-occupied with destroying itself and causing as much damage to the realms of the torturers as possible. That's why no matter what I try to do to keep myself busy I always revert to the mindset to be expected from someone who is being tortured to death with no hope of mercy.
I realise all this at a time when I am getting weaker by the day. There is obviously something wrong with me but I am tired of trying to find out what is wrong especially at a time when there is no incentive to get healthy. I'm left with only two possibilities to hope for. A swift decline in health leading to a quick death, or the incredibly unlikely event of being shown some mercy before my time runs out. No wonder I am finding it so hard to adapt to maximum brutality for the rest of my days. It simply can't be adapted to. I have to stop believing I can adapt to a limit case situation that is impossible to adapt to.
So what do I do? The only escape from the torture such as tonight, is to take as many pills as required to numb the pain and then multiply that effect with strong alcohol. I have never been a drinker previously. I only ever drink to multiply the effect of whatever pills I can lay my hands on until the chance of not having to face another day of torture becomes a reasonable possibility. The urge to die is especially high since the injunction was put on me. There should be clear link between the injunction and my death that would not have been so clear without the injunction. The injunction is really a death sentence, and that makes it easier to be ever more reckless with my life. It's a clear message from the system that death is in my and it's best interests.
02/05/22 07:37
I sense that the tide has turned against the fascist extremist regimes control of the narrative. The presence of the Red Cross and the UN in Mariupol has put an end to the western propaganda machine. Even the extremist UK state news channel has been forced to change its language.
As those poor civilians previously held hostage by the Nazi Azov battalions so favoured and backed by Western extremists are being evacuated, they bring with them their stories of the truth of what has been going on for all the world to see. I could post links of video proof but that would be unwise until the extremists have been removed from power.
Prior to yesterday the UK state news channel could not conceive of Ukrainian civilians wanting to be evacuated to Russia. With the UN and the Red Cross on the ground, the BBC had no choice but to acknowledge this fact. Why would any civilian want to be evacuated to any country that was supporting the Nazi regime that used them as human shields? Why would they? Much better to wait for reasonable people to kick the Nazis out of the city so that those who survived can tell the story of what really happened to neutral organizations such as those on the ground now.
I am pleased to report that a huge amount of fascist extremist military hardware has been destroyed at a military airbase near Odessa. The runway has been destroyed too to prevent further deliveries of weapons to the extremists by this route. Now they will have to come by road instead where they will be destroyed before they get anywhere near the conflict zone.
This is the end of the fascist extremist attempt for world domination. They failed. In failing they have shown their true colours for all the world to see. They will face economic decline for years to come. They will never again be seen with respect by the moderate peoples of the world. Their news sources will never be trusted again. Their energy will never be cheap again.
All this sums to satisfy my need for vengeance against the brutal regime that has made me miss every moment of my only child's childhood for no reason. Millions lost every day, with no chance for recovery of what has been lost, with only scraps left to play for, in a world that has definitely not acted in the best interests of any of the world's children. Exactly as I promised it would be.
The need for personal revenge has now almost entirely dissipated. Personal revenge would have carried personal consequences. Revenge by proxy is far more comprehensive and without personal consequences. Now the playing field has been levelled, maybe now negotiations can begin. If not then all that remains is to cause as much damage as I possibly can until my last day.
What a terrible thing it is to mess with the most fundamental aspects of human nature so maliciously. What terrible prices must be paid for such despicable crimes against children. Such shocking collateral damage on innocent civilians. Only pure evil could have such devastating effects on all that is good in the world.
Having seen and heard the civilians rescued from their Nazi Azov captors, for the first time I have an urge to support the humanitarian efforts in Ukraine. But only in the areas where the fascists have lost control. To try and help the civilians from the Ukrainian side would be in opposition to the Nazi Azov's use of civilians as human shields. This would put any foreign aid worker in the line of fire from fascist extremists. I would rather be firing at them myself than being shot at by them.
If it turns out that I will never be allowed to see a moment of my only child's childhood for no reason, then a possible alternative to the birthday deadlines could be to join the anti-fascist side to try to create a better world where children are entitled to their parents by way of basic inalienable human rights. That might be a world worth living in.
02/05/22 07:36
(This post was meant to go up yesterday)
A strange day yesterday. What a morbid topic to have been unavoidably preoccupied by. But necessary in some way as rebuilding can only be achieved from the foundations up. And whatever I attempt to build must comply with the first premise. And that is that I will not serve the full sentence of malice made against me under any condition with no exceptions and especially not as a result of a cheerful phrase such as 'we are all in it together'. The insurance policy must be absolute, leaving no room for misinterpretation and with all the blame that would entail on those guilty of this most malicious of crimes against humanity. That policy is now in force.
The foundations laid allows me to build for a short term future for now. The mindless work on excessive cleaning of the van was so healing to me. Problem is there's now not much left to do. I could polish up all the engine components and I guess a little work under the hood would make things look a bit nicer, but there is risk of breaking what didn't need to be fixed if I'm not extremely careful.
Think I might go for cleaning the roof today as I have given up trying to do this at a jet wash. The first time I took van to jet wash I realised I couldn't clean the roof without step ladders to give me the reach. The second time, which was fairly recently, I did take some steps. It was a hilariously bad idea. These jet washes are all timer controlled leaving no time for switching off to safely climb wet step ladders. Which lead to uncharacteristic gung-ho approaches like one arm jet wash firing while hanging onto the steps and roof for dear life. It was a nice idea that was hopelessly impractical against a clock.
So my strategy now will be to hand clean the roof not worrying about the dirty water making all the rest of the van dirty again. Then go to jet wash without step ladder and have super clean van all over in a safe and also cheaper fashion. All this cleaning is for no real need, it will just be good physical exercise and good for mental health which is good enough.
What I should be doing is getting a solar setup together and learning how to extend the van wiring loom safely for additional features I can add with my own electronics capabilities. I have already had one electrical success with the van. The discovery of the short circuit in the USB port caused by the previous owners coffee spillages. As long as I experiment behind protective fuses all should be well.
This is a pretty good plan in the current climate as this would provide some degree of energy independence in these uncertain times, and also a means of getting out of the nuclear crosshairs if the extremists in power escalate the situation beyond the point of return. It's a good job Russia hasn't been taking the British regimes rhetoric too seriously, they seem to have made allowances for the kind of bad behaviour expected of an empire in terminal decline.
30/04/22 17:36
Just got back from spending most of the day relaxing in the sun. It was surprisingly easy. I took my laptop with me but never powered it up. I tried to think of things I could do to pass the time while I await my fate. But only one realization made it through the murk. It was the timescale of my fate, and so the maximum period I potentially have left to suffer in.
Her 9th birthday is just three months away. A limit case nightmare experience I promised my soul I would never have to suffer again. I realise now it should be clear by then whether I have a chance to see her while she is still a child. If it looks like I have just been held at bay to tick down the torture timer then there will be no need to face that nightmare experience again.
If things are looking constructive with a high degree of certainty that I would see her before her 10th birthday with evidence that things have moved forward then that might be the reasonable time limit for me to endure the endless limit case torture. Waiting another whole year dramatically increases chances of throat cancer which I'm sure is on it's way. I know I cannot escape smoking under this maximum pressure and torment and I have no intention of dying a slow and tortured death.
So with the timescales defined I must confine my plans to that which is most relevant for the time I have left remaining. That should narrow the field of possibilities for what I must work on next. There's not much I want to do in a world dominated by limit case malice towards the most basic human needs. Luckily there's not much time to left till the suffering is over.
30/04/22 09:27
That completely unexpected crash last night has put me in a reflective mood today. I urgently need to get away from the direct confrontational approach since there is a chance for peace on the table that I must not endanger. I also need to heal both mentally and physically and this can't be achieved on the front lines.
On the other hand I'm losing every day but without going over old ground, seemingly chance events have come to rescue in the form of the apparent legitimacy to fight one's opponents through proxy. Just like the Western governments are showing by way of example. This is more doing as they do rather than doing as they say, but that is the way of legitimate resistance in these modern times.
It was an interesting day. Things went so well with Probation that for the first time since the campaign was launched as a result of that terrible phone call, something switched in me to drop me out of maximum commitment mode. After being held so long in this maximum reactive state as the forces of darkness came at me with everything they had, and some things they didn't have, it was evident that the way back would not be as instant as the simple flicking of a switch.
I think I resolved why the selfish accusation got to me so deeply. If I were selfish before the 'offence' then I would never have gone to all that trouble to reach out to my only child. I would never have put myself through reliving all the agonizing details to build this website. If I were selfish post 'offence' then I would take the system verification that I should forget about my only child enthusiastically and be selfish by myself with all excuses ready to justify my selfishness for if I ever got to meet my daughter.
The reality could well be that I actually need to start being selfish! As indicated above being selfish would keep me right out of all trouble and make everyone else concerned happy. This is why that assessment of me was so toxic and actually quite dangerous. I could just as easily have taken the selfish accusation to heart and then made myself think even less of my self than I currently do and put all my energy and focus into what I perceive as being for the benefit of others that I care most about. Which would have gotten me into very serious trouble indeed. As anyone who knows this story could imagine. Yes, I see now why it was very important I reacted to strongly to that accusation. It was very important that I did react in this way.
It's quite a disturbing thing that an important and correct reaction for the right future must be depended on while struggling in the deepest of troubled waters. It would be nice to think that our futures, our destinies, were always within our consciousness if not within our grasp. Yesterday was a demonstration of how that is not always the case.
So to put a line under this, because it was an involuntary reaction that upon rational analysis turned out to be the right reaction, I have to gain some faith that my fundamental core of being is not as hopelessly lost as I might have feared. This is a good thing, and today I'm feeling much more at peace inside.
If we consider the exact workings of a real life electrical switch then we see that upon flicking the switch there is no such thing as an instant flip in polarity. Under an oscilloscope we see that the switch bounces for a short period of time before the desired changed state is stable. In electrical devices with switches these components are always accompanied by a 'de-bouncing' logic that dampens away the bouncing to give the impression the switch process was clean and instant. So there is evidence that the ideal switch does not exist in nature. I mustn't be too hard on myself for being subject to the same imperfections.
So where do I go now? The moment has provided a magical opportunity where warfare can be legitimately waged via proxy, and therefore no accountability nor consequences can be felt. The time has come to step back from the front lines and to give the possibility of peace a chance. There now exists a framework where negotiations could achieve objectives that conflict cannot. I have to make this my focus. The rest is taking care of itself through the magic of the proxy facility so relevant to these times.
The switch has de-bounced now I think. And to be positive I have to think that anyway, but I'm not one to be easily fooled, least of all by myself. Which is a real pain sometimes. Not able to shake a thought until it has been thoroughly broken down with all it's components considered.
It's a lovely sunny day. I think I should go out somewhere. I have no idea where to go. If I were more selfish, would it not be easier to go out and do things? I have the vehicle, I have the funds. I have freedom from responsibility. Surely selfishness would thrive under such conditions? And yet it feels like the lack of desire for the self is what leaves me with little desire to do anything for that self?
Enough of that now, it has been thoroughly dealt with. The system of darkness is loves it's total opposites. It's how it always manages to blacken even good things. These inversions must be taken as such and perhaps in time, even with good grace. It is enough to know for sure that the system of darkness more often says the opposite of what it means. Which of course leads directly to labels of paranoia and such once this system of opposites is understood.
This is the last paragraph because my cursed fluency just evaporated completely. I have no idea where this post was going. Then it must be done, and I must try to relax and heal. Two things I know very little about. Especially relaxing. I don't think I know what the word means. It is as undefined to me, as harassment is to the British legal system. That's amusing. Shall I try an undefining justification for relaxing? No. Wouldn't help me in the slightest. Only works for systems of darkness. My definitions lie elsewhere and must be rediscovered.
I came back for one more paragraph as its positive. Everything on the selfish issue just crystalized in my mind. The polarity of the judgement is much less important than the raising of the issue. This may well have been an issue that needed to be raised. Look at the reaction it provoked. Look at the self examination it inspired. It was a very important issue to raise. In the absence of any counselling service, this must be as close as counselling can get for me. I feel I have passed this test. A test I clearly could not have known in advance that I would pass. It was a tricky test. One I was least likely to pass. The polarity of the judgement was irrelevant. The result of testing the issue could be everything. I am aware more than most, that there is no growth in the comfort zone. Probably why I have trouble relaxing. No growth in the comfort zone.
29/04/22 22:42
I couldn't sleep when I was sure I would be able to. Again, something is whirling round my mind and breaking me up like yesterday. So I have to get this down. I'm still really happy with how I was treated today and have no complaints. But what's circling my mind relentlessly is something that was discussed. I hope it's generic and trivial enough to not be important enough to break any of my rules.
I had to find out today if it's ok to provoke someone, an innocent person so badly that they force them to react, to enable Police to come piling in to lie and deceive and to encourage witnesses to make false statements to ensure prosecutions in kangeroo courts that offer no chance of defence. Given the enthusiasm of the police for this behaviour, was this what a good citizen should be expected to do? Would such behaviour by myself to delight the Police be a good way to show remorse and rehabilitate for what I have done?
I had to find this out. Had the value systems changed so much since I was young? I was assured that this is not reasonable behaviour. I so needed this assurance for otherwise my value system, my reason for existence was so irreconcilably at odds with what would be expected of me, that there would be no way back for me in this life.
There was two officers there, I do hope it's ok to say that. And they both assured me that treating people in this way would be wrong. I so needed to hear that. So why am I breaking up about this now? Why has the writing fluency returned?
I think that what has happened is the progress I feel I have made as reported previous post has indeed been made. For my only child. For my little girl. For everything that is important to me. Selfish me. The selfish me who is breaking up right now as he realises he has gained nothing at all for himself. I still agonize at yet another day lost. Selfish me has gained nothing today. Somehow the selfish in me only noticed this late in the day. Not exactly the focus of every waking moment since I got up at 6am today. Only just before I tried to fall asleep did I realise I have nothing still.
I cant really address the self today to even find out if it is selfish. I'm afraid that if I look I might find that rage and anger that might turn East once more and ask for the stakes to be raised. I have asked once before and it has delivered and continues to deliver. The promise as I lose each precious day was that the system of darkness must lose each day with me in similar irrecoverable form. It is safer to think and focus on others than it is to risk allowing the field to see the depth of pain in my soul and to hear my cries for vengeance again. What use is there for a world without children?
I repeat, nothing went wrong today at Probation. It went superbly well. I'm sure of that, I have very high standards and have no complaints at all. I wish this writing fluency would go away. How is it possible to be selfish if one doesn't know how to care for the self?
I shouldn't perhaps have written this because it has been a good day. But I have to record the truth if it doesn't break any rules as I try to find my way out of the maze of malice. I hope the world doesn't burn too much if it's fate is in any way linked to my suffering. But what is ok for me must be ok for you too otherwise a paranoid man would never be able to make sense of anything. It must be the same for all of us.
29/04/22 19:09
I am so pleased to be able to report that Probation went amazingly well. I was a bit on the ragged edge upon arrival but after making sure I could get some sunshine on me I felt much calmer. I am not allowed to discuss what happened but this is not a bad thing, and the details are less important than the overall effect which I can reflect on a little.
I was able to resolve the issues indicated in my last post. I felt able to share my relevant circumstances effectively. I was treated decently and so trust was earned and gained once more. I never felt the need to reach for the anti-anxiety pills. By the end of the meeting I felt for the first time since all this began that I could perhaps step down from the maximum commitment mode I have been locked into since that phone call of doom.
Now that I have given everything and backed down on very little of what cannot be compromised away, I sense it is time to rest and heal. I think I must mean mentally as this campaign has taken me well beyond my limits. It is my good friend's birthday today and my body told me I cannot make the party night at this time. We all get old eventually I suppose.
I don't feel at all fluent writing today. This means my mental health must be in reasonably good shape. It's when I'm razor sharp fluent that I am in the worst mental shape. A negative correlation I have learned over the last year or so. So I'm going to rest a while now. I just had to report that things went really well today, hopefully for all concerned.
Wouldn't be amazing if this site could be full of nice things? What chance might there be that could come true? These must be questions for other days. I have no answers for a world I have yet to discover. I just hope that world might exist.
28/04/22 18:08
I didn't want to post this but I'm in pieces now. Still abiding by the rules, until new ones are made up. Something keeps circling in my head. It's one comment in particular that the probation officer made that's now haunting me. She suggested that everything I have gone through in achieving what I did was for my own selfish benefit.
My soul has been torn apart by all of this. I have been tortured relentlessly for thousands of days consecutively without a moments release. I have missed every day of my only child's childhood. I have been bullied by the Police who have lied and got witnesses to make false allegations. I have been steam rollered by a court process that offered me no opportunity to defend myself. I have had the will to live utterly stripped from my body by a brutal regime hell bent on causing me the maximum possible suffering.
I have suffered all this and more to let one little girl know who her Dad is in an environment where she would otherwise never have known. And I did this for apparently selfish reasons? I am clearly not the same as these people and I fear having to encounter their darkness tomorrow. I will definitely need my anti-anxiety medicine at hand, this is going to be a nightmare as I am forced to confront the true nature of this ultimate of evil regimes. The limit case encounter could be just hours away.
I will have to be very careful what I say. I had such high hopes they would be something decent and recognisably human. I really need to take something for anxiety right now but I mustn't damage my tolerance for tomorrow for when maximum effect might be needed most. I'm trying to hang on for a few more hours so I can take a sleeping pill because I need to get away from the thoughts. I'm going to have to ring the doctor to get more of both if this meeting goes badly.
I will need to confirm tomorrow that the comment about my being selfish was utterly inappropriate and an apology before there can be any meaningful progress. I cannot believe that especially a woman could say such a thing about a person who has had his soul destroyed by limit case malice over a very long time. You can't be selfish if your only wish for yourself is to die to escape a hellish nightmare with no end.
Just had to drop a pill and multiply it with alcohol. Only way to get strong effect without taking too many. Keeps tolerance down too. Also offers slight possibility of not waking up afterwards. The only mercy left on the table. The only glimmer of hope for an end to the torture. The only escape from malice. Just the chance, however low, provides something not available anywhere else. Should have done this much earlier but need to be in best shape possible for tomorrow morning. Any sign I can't sleep on time will immediately do sleeping pill too. Hope this nightmare ends soon. Going for bath while still can. Not even deep enough to drown in.
28/04/22 16:06
I am pleased I was able to make a couple of positive posts over the last couple of days but today the wheels have fallen off the positivity wagon as the realities of the information received has been absorbed. A closer look at the documentation received reveals that yet again things are not as they were represented.
The greatest disappointment was with my probation officer's conclusions drawn from the information I so carefully prepared to leave no room for incorrect interpretation. On first reading I was pleased that my side of the story had been accurately represented. But the comments of the probation officer are so disconnected from reality that it is actually glaringly obvious on the document. It is as if It was necessary to paint whatever I said in a bad light no matter the rights or wrongs of what I may have done.
What hurts most here is I put all my wisdom and reservations about communicating with the system of darkness aside in order to give the system a fair chance to see if they would treat my like a human being. I have decided not to go into details at this time as I have my first proper appointment tomorrow and I intend to give the system one more chance at this.
But first I will have to resolve at least the worst of the assessments made of me by the pre sentencing probation officer in order to determine that we are at least speaking the same language and with compatible objectives.
There is unfortunately a great danger that the critical help offered me by way of community or probation order to gain access to my only child through the correct channels has been utterly scratched from the record. This is unacceptable. I have multiple witnesses that this order was made at my trial and will not co-operate until what was promised is reinstated. If necessary I must demand a transcript of my trial.
If it is refused or unavailable due to technical error (just like conveniently with this website on the trial day) then I will know that I am indeed dealing with violent thugs who have no interest in reason or justice or fairness of any kind. And if so, and if with maximum malicious intent towards me, then I must be forced to respond in kind. I have no interest in complying with fascist thugs so close to the time of their wiping from the face of the planet by way of total nuclear annihilation.
The only consolation keeping me sane is the realisation that this website is the perfect counter to malice. The more malice shown to me the more damage to those of malicious ways it will cause. I'm going to document everything that happens to me for the whole world to see. This should be no problem if there is nothing to hide, and because it is about me from now on, it will be entirely within my injunction conditions to do so.
I have the heads up that the system of darkness is still as dark as I can previously imagined, but I will still try to co-operate and find a common ground of reason and truth with which to move forward if it is at all possible to do so. If it's all about do as I say and not as I do, then it will get the contempt it deserves.
So there we go. The one good thing from my trial day has been quietly buried. So I have to make some noise about it. My trust in my first encounter with probation was utterly misplaced. I will try again tomorrow but this time my trust will need to be earned. I look forward to documenting everything on here for all the world to see. I have nothing to hide. Do you?
27/04/22 08:35
Today I feel at a loss as to what to do. Allowing this legal website to stand has completely thrown me. As such it was easily the smartest decision by those who favour stopping this situation automatically escalating to maximum levels with maximum collateral damage. It was also easily the best decision for acting in an innocent child's best interests.
Therefore I have to applaud those responsible for this decision. In time I will thank those responsible for the same reason, but not quite just yet as you have thrown me from what I had invested a lot of time in planning to do. My predictions are rarely wrong and never without justification from multiple angles, and I find myself happier for being surprised, for being wrong, if you must, in getting this prediction wrong.
I don't recall exactly, but I am fairly sure I promised I would not return to Ashington for any kind of showdown if the website was left intact. Even if I fell gravely ill with no hope of surviving long enough to see my only child. In this case with the website active such a life threatening deterioration would be on public display such that those affected will be able to confirm that the intention was to make sure the Dad was dead before he was ever known. That would show the true evil of those who proclaim Christian values and show without doubt that they are the opposite of what they claim. This would prevent any child of mine from following such evil doctrines in the future.
So with the focus entirely shifted from any special operations in Ashington, I turn towards the East where the other special operation is in play. Even here I find myself with little to do or contribute. The astonishing rate at which British politicians in particular are escalating for nuclear conflict leaves me utterly powerless to add anything meaningful myself. Notice how much money they have got to throw weapons at Ukraine that will only either get destroyed on arrival or sold onto the black market to empower terrorist groups of the future to kill the western children of today when they grow up and try to travel on airliners?
Perhaps it should be the country of origin of the weapons that should be held accountable for these guaranteed future tragedies rather than the rag-tag group of militias that acquired and used them? Such accountability would stop the uncontrolled supply of man portable (terrorist) weapons with gay abandon? This would make the UK and the US the most sinister terrorist organizations on the planet would it not? About right then if we are looking to change the world for the better.
Only yesterday was it confirmed by the British government that it is ok for British long range weapons to be used on targets inside Russia herself. Well, with rules of war being what's fair for one side must be fair for the other, this would seem to imply that it is ok for Russian long range weapons to be used to strike targets in the UK? The justification for both directions is the same. To prevent heavy weapons being used to cause unnecessary suffering and to prevent escalation to world war three. I could not possibly have topped such a damaging declaration to undermine UK national security.
If I had achieved 10% of that level of economic damage personally I would be (quite rightly) serving a life sentence in prison. So I am being so outperformed in this area with no consequences that there is really nothing left for me to contribute here either. It's all seeing to itself quite nicely. I think perhaps that everything required is already being accomplished via proxy right?
To compound both these dilemmas, this smart move to allow me to keep the website has significantly reduced my anger towards the system which had become my sole focus and target to the exclusion of all other activities. This loss of anger has been disabling on most of my side projects too, since I was so convinced that the system would show me maximum malice, I was not prepared for any other outcome.
And so this post is really an acknowledgement that perhaps the system of darkness is not quite as dark as life experience led me to believe. I acknowledge that the smartest way to defuse my situation was to let me keep the website. Before this smart change of course I would say the risk assessments in my probation report were far too low. After this change of course I would say that those risk assessments are a little higher than they need to be in most areas.
Therefore this decision was also the most significant for reducing chances of reoffending and therefore for rehabilitation purposes too. I do hope that myself and my witnesses all did hear correctly in court, for it would be a shame to have to revert back to what was expected, with the only consolation being I would know exactly what to do rather than sitting here figuring out new things to do.
Hopefully written confirmation of what happened will arrive in the post shortly. Another indicator that the threat to shut down the website in 24 hours through force of violence has been dropped is the fact the website is still here and I am still a free man after this time frame has elapsed. It's time to start believing perhaps but I must await written confirmation before turning my mind fully away from reactive activities.
26/04/22 09:12
Well here it is, the news everyone has been waiting for. I was so exhausted after sentencing yesterday I needed some time to reflect on what happened before posting the news. I also have some additional restrictions on what I may write here which I intend to honour in full. I will come to those shortly. I have been issued no restriction on reporting the events of my sentencing hearing this time so I will briefly outline what happened.
I arrived at court on time with good support from friends and family. The first thing I sensed was that this new panel of magistrates looked much more human than those of my trial. As soon as the lead magistrate started talking to me I realised that at last I would be treated with respect and as a human being for the first time in this whole process.
The CPS guy on video link proceeded to request his desired punishments for me in the form of a lengthy injunction. The weasel even asked the magistrate if he could avoid disclosure of his long list of terms, but the magistrate stated that all must be read out in court in the open for everyone to see. Yeah. This is my kind of guy. Let the truth out, shine the light into the darkness, it the only way to get the truth on display.
I will not list the first four injunction conditions as that would accidentally break those conditions. But it was condition number five that confirmed all my suspicions and moved all the thoughts that I had left open to the possibility of being paranoid, into the realms of those thoughts being right on the money.
I was expecting an attempt to blackout the website of truthful information. But by what mechanism? Could they have found a specific valid legal clause that can blackout the truth? Or would it be a brutal attempt at intimidation through threat of violence to force me to remove it myself?
It was this latter approach as suspected! An order for me to take down this website in 24 hours or face violent consequences against my person. That's why I got steamrollered as I did. That's why the police set me up and encouraged witnesses to fabricate evidence against me in order to gain a misplaced conviction. The website was legal and the system of darkness had no tools for silencing the truth of freedom of information on the internet. Their only hope was to take it down by labelling it as something else and using a wildcard offence and punishment to erase the light of truth using a brute force approach since options involving due process simply did not exist.
But it was how the CPS guy worded his fifth and final request that deserves a closer examination. He used triumphant wording along the lines of this being the main item on the menu for which all that had gone before was simply the preparation for. The system of darkness's clear objective of the whole legal process issued and enacted against me. The destruction of the light of truth by those who favour blackouts and lies.
I was then handed the pre-sentencing report that the magistrates had all read and I was asked if I had see this information. As has been the case throughout this entire legal process, I pointed out that of course I had not been given a chance to read anything in advance. But that was consistent with the lack of due process throughout the entire case so I was happy for things to continue.
Then at last the steamroller over my human rights suddenly stopped! The magistrate offered me the chance to read the document that they were about to make use of. I thanked him for treating me like a human being and accepted his offer allowing me to read the information that the magistrates would use to determine my sentencing. A 20 minute break was called to allow me to do this.
Before I left the court I approached the bench and mentioned that I found it surprising that the system of darkness had been unable to shut down www.rt.com using similar mechanisms, so did they really have to go after my website using tools not available to stop the internet broadcasting of the Russia Today news channel? I then left the court to read the probation report document.
Upon returning to court I thanked the bench for treating me like a human being and the sentencing began. First up the financial penalties as one would expect. The expected £620 costs plus a £120 fine and a government surcharge that looked a lot like VAT of around £85. A total bill of just over £800. That was much less than expected and allowed for.
Next up was the injunction terms imposed. The five terms had reduced to three. The first two were the expected continuation of my bail conditions which I cannot discuss due to the third term. The third term was that I must no longer refer directly or indirectly to the people indicated by the first two terms on social media or this website. That is a reasonable condition to be sure of preventing accidental harassment which is not and never has been my intention.
But the brute force order to take down the website or alter it's existing truthful information was dropped! I couldn't believe my ears! I had to check with my family and friends who witnessed these words to see if I had heard correctly. Yes, I had heard correctly, the order to blackout this website had been deemed unjust or not legal in some way that a humble man such as myself cannot conceive of.
Then the sentencing moved to my probation order. I have to attend 25 days of activities starting in a couple of days time. I asked the court if my probation order would include help in taking the correct legal steps to gain access to my only child. I was assured this would indeed be the case as was specified by the magistrates who presided over my previous show trial.
I asked the court if it held the position that I must miss every moment of my only child's childhood for no reason? I was informed that the injunction terms were only for the purposes of preventing me from using my imagination to make contact using my own methods. The injunction terms did not apply if I now followed the correct legal process. Therefore I was being encouraged to follow the established system process to gain access to my only child. The reduced injunction will be active for five years.
I was also given a suspended sentence for 18 months the details of which I don't really know anything about. All I have stated is from memory as I have not yet received confirmation of the punishments in writing yet. I will correct any error when this information has been received.
That concluded business. I thanked the magistrates for being decent human beings and for treating me fairly and with respect. I thanked them for acting in the best interests of my little princess. I intend to follow the instructions given to me to the letter to show my respect for being treated similarly. I do hope I am offered a slight amount of latitude in just this post to explain what I am not allowed to discuss without actually discussing it.
Because I have been treated with respect and decency at the final moment, I will show my good nature and intentions by placing additional restraints upon myself not requested of me for sparing this critical website. I will cease to regularly update this website from this day on. I do not want to risk or otherwise threaten it's existence for reasons I am not allowed to discuss.
There would appear to be some hope left in the world. Despite the best efforts of the blackout brigades of the system of darkness both www.rt.com and this website continue to broadcast the light of truth for all those with the courage and stomach to take it. The integrity of the internet has been tested and passed. Freedom of information still exists on the open internet, even at a time where some of the major content providers have abandoned their roots and become tools of the blackout regimes that darken this world.
I have to be happy with this result. I will abide by the court's rulings to the best of my ability and I will now proceed to comply with the family court route with the additional help I can reasonably expect to help prevent me reoffending. I will comply fully with my probation order, and I will do my best not to reoffend during the time period of my suspended sentence. This is more difficult than it used to be since some offences have become legally undefined wildcards that can be fitted on people at will, that cannot be materially proven against. Such as harassment. No-one can guarantee to not fall foul of thought crimes that cannot be defended against, but I will do my best to at least protect myself against such attempts now that I know what can be conjured up at will by those in power.
What else? Well I fully expected to lose this site and so had my revenge site all ready to launch. One that would have caused immense revenge damage indiscriminately to people all over this country. And would do so completely legally. This will now be deferred possibly indefinitely. The system of darkness showed me a little light and has gained some level of respect from me.
I don't take pleasure in being opposed in every way to the power regime that rules over my life. It just makes life incredibly difficult to do the right thing. I would rather work with the system if only it can show itself to be worthy of respect and obedience. This has now been shown to me and releases a huge amount of pressure.
There is always a cost to doing the right thing, and by taking a leaf out of the oil industry book, that there is no right and wrong in the system, only the cause and effects of the cost of doing business in restrictive and/or hostile environments. To smash an evil blackout for the price I have had to pay looks fairly reasonable as I reflect on what happened.
There are implications for the survival of this website that there is no need to risk discussing here. I have taken a loss so that my little princess could win. That is what was meant to play with the Ace of Hearts. I see fully now that even in apparent defeat, that playing with this card means you cannot lose.
The website lives on, but even more importantly, vast reams of proof of exactly what happened from very reliable sources all combine to create a package of proofs that was essential for leaving the most important person in the world to me with no doubt as to what happened. Today must be a day of celebration for the light has ended the darkness as I promised it would do.
My dedication, my suffering, my commitment to the light and my girl, my sticking to the truth no matter what mud was thrown against me. None of that mud stuck. My integrity is intact. The light of truth has triumphed over the darkness. Today I am the proudest Dad alive.
24/04/22 19:03
So finally the moment is upon us. Tomorrow I find closure and so much more. Validation of self and principles, confirmation of suspicions, future motivations and of course their inherent justifications. I find myself with no fear at all. I have been honest throughout the entire process where all my opponents have lied and deceived and shown themselves for what they are.
With this in mind and no evidence shown me of anyone being remotely harmed by my actions, and with my actions of writing a website and advertising said website with my own materials all being completely legal, I have nothing to apologise or show remorse for.
Quite the contrary. I have successfully informed my little girl she has a Dad and who he is. I have shown her that I would do absolutely anything to make sure she knew who her Dad was in an environment where she would almost certainly never have known. I am immensely proud of both my sacrifice for my daughter and how effective my dedicated actions were against an entire system of darkness committed to keeping Teagan in the dark as to the identity of her Dad.
To receive official recognition from the system of darkness of my efforts in a form that I can show Teagan which guarantees she knows what happened is an astounding and humbling honour like no other. My only criminal offence of my whole life was to make sure my Teagan knew she had a Dad that loved her. A Dad that was physically prevented from making effective contact any other way. A Dad that used his brain and his courage to defeat the blackout of an evil system of darkness.
I feel that it is the system of darkness that is really on trial here. A major question remaining is whether there is a good reason why I must miss every moment of Teagan's childhood, or whether in the absence of a good reason, if it is instead simply the plain old malice I suspect?
While I am prepared for the worst, I have to reserve my own judgements and therefore reactions until the system has had it's say. I may be surprised, there is the possibility of something constructive with Teagan's best interests in mind. If that is the case then I may stop referring to the system as being one of darkness. The term has been accurate up till this point so I have no reservations using such an important qualifier.
Will they put an end to the website? It is an information system of truth whose content is vitally important to Teagan as a resource to find out what happened and to allow her the chance to see her Dad while she is still a child and he is still alive. I am prepared for the worst and I have responses in mind if this eventuality should happen.
The funny thing is I am about to officially become a criminal for the proudest actions of my life to date. Others may point to other achievements not suitable for discussion here. But to me, to give everything I have for the benefit of my one and only child, is an achievement that surpasses anything I could ever have achieved for myself or even for random others.
If doing the right thing, for the right reasons, and in the right way is a criminal offence, then maybe I have gained a taste for criminal activity that I cannot forget. The spiritual nourishment from doing the right thing is like nothing else that came before it. I had no idea that having a child triggered automatic criminal tendencies in the way it seems to have done with me.
I might post something just before sentencing tomorrow, and I might not. I see that a couple of missiles made their way to destroying a large chunk of US and EU supplied weaponry today. Good. At least those wont get to kill any innocent civilians in the current conflict or whichever black market they would have made their way to in the future. That will have been expensive for the system of darkness. More expensive than I could have ever achieved myself. Wonderful isn't it? So much revenge for no comeback of consequence. I lost my fear of the dark completely.
20/04/22 20:29
I do hope I can keep this up. I'm reluctant to suggest that I am happier than I have been in a very long time. I feel like I have found a peace with myself that I have never had before. I know this is brand new territory for I am managing the unthinkable, a lifestyle of activity such that my smoking is noticeably reduced.
In all my adult life I have never been able to cope with a nicotine addiction from hell I gained as a teenager. Tobacco is by far the most addictive drug I have ever encountered. Everything else is so much easier to leave alone that I consider nothing else addictive. Tobacco addiction is in a class of its own, a special word is required for this case if the word addictive is to be attached to other things.
I have been unable to escape this terrible trap even though it is obviously killing me. I have lost so many teeth that Teagan will probably never see me smile with no gaps visible. If I lose one more upper tooth I will be unable to chew food. All of my interests encourage smoking. My only way out is to effectively become a completely different person.
And that person would be less thinking and more physical and active, the exact opposite to my basic nature and so the life I have led. But somehow finding the motivation and will to work on and restore my van to the best condition it can be is exactly the kind of thing I needed to do. The sunlight, the physical activity, a sense of achievement. The reward of a nice clean vehicle to travel around in.
But there's more than just the physical activity of the past few days. The feeling of inner peace is mostly due to my actions over the past year or so. My selfless devotion to my daughter in the face of hostility and malice has not been in vain. I have done the right thing by taking on and smashing through the forces of darkness to make sure my Teagan knows who her Dad is.
I face sentencing in a few days. I have lost my fear of the occasion. I am guilty of nothing more than doing the right thing for my little girl. The system of darkness is guilty for a great many crimes far more serious than mine for which it will pay dearly in time. Teagan will make sure of it, since the crimes were all against her, and all just to make sure she never got to see her Dad for purely malicious reasons.
Maybe it is my destiny to become the ultimate unsuitable parent. That way I would not miss Teagan and everyone would be right to have kept her away from me. That way I would deserve what has been done to me. Everything would fit. We have a world on the brink with no future for any of the children. This must be where the ultimate adaptation must lie.
17/04/22 09:14
I can't believe it is six days since I last posted. I know that my writing fluency and regularity is inversely proportional to my mental health state. As such this break from writing indicates a significant improvement to my mood and outlook. So much so I have been reluctant to return to post here as the subject matter of this site is the source of my greatest torment in life.
Life is very strange at the moment. I am now in the clutches of the consequences for having followed my human spirit without compromise. That is to say I have pursued the path of honesty and doing the right thing to the best of my ability for a long time now. Trying to be the light in a world of shadows and darkness has been an incredibly risky journey which I have been very lucky not to find myself in serious trouble for.
The only reason I can reveal this is because there is no chance of my returning to such positive and world improving activities while the empires of darkness make their final stand. It turns out that my most effective means of opposing the system of darkness is simply to do nothing and watch them destroy themselves and all those who share their views.
I am stunned at the western appetite for nuclear conflict. I never expected to see such enthusiasm to escalate away all alternative outcomes in favour of the destruction of the world for everyone. I now know for sure that those authorities claiming it is in Teagan's best interest for her Dad to be tortured like he has are morally bankrupt. The system of darkness does not act in the best interests of any children, let alone my Teagan. At least now it all feels so much less personal when everyone's children are under threat of extinction.
Supplying the fascist extremists in Ukraine with weapons that make conventional warfare much more difficult makes a nuclear response the correct strategy. Weapons that will make their way into the hands of other extremists organizations. Can you imagine the outcry when a civilian airliner gets shot down by one of the stinger AA systems with the loss of all civilian lives on board? Will the systems of darkness blame themselves for the manufacture and supply of the weapons that caused this tragedy? Those unlucky civilians of the future will likely be the children of today. I do hope my Teagan doesn't get a taste for flying abroad when she grows up. It won't be safe due to the actions of right wing extremists today.
There have been five further escalations towards nuclear conflict in the form of sanction rounds. A sixth is planned. Do the systems of darkness regard these sanctions as not counting as military escalations? I have been stunned at the Russian restraint in the face of the aggression shown it by the systems of darkness and it's obvious support of far right wing extremism. I would by now have fired something tasty that eliminated vast amounts of fascists and left stockpiles of western supplied weapons intact, if I were in such a position to do so.
But Putin is playing a much greater game that I have come to admire. He said the mission was to de-nazify and demilitarise Ukraine. It could well lead to the denazification and demilitarization of all of the EU instead. Such that the surviving children of today have a chance of growing up in a world not dominated by a single fascist world order.
The systems of darkness have an unhealthy level of interest and investment in biological weapons. It is obvious now that Covid was one such weapon that got released a little prematurely. The world is overpopulated and consuming resources at such a rate as to leave no future for the children anyway. For the first time in human history the current generations are using up resources to deny their own children any future.
As the wealth of the world funnels into a narrowing neck of ever fewer people, a dynamic starts to exist whereby the over populations threaten the investments of those few people who own most of the world. The only way to reduce populations without damaging property is biological warfare against unsuspecting populations. Therefore those paying taxes today are actively funding the destruction of their own descendants.
But all those long term plans are in tatters right now. The nuclear threat is real and therefore the threat of damage to all these investments is real with no possibility of repair or rebuilding. There will either be nuclear war or the reign of the western extremists will be over. Either option is acceptable to me right now.
All I have to do is to obey the laws, to not follow my instincts to do the right thing, and to keep my greatest skills absolutely quiet while I watch as the arrogance of the system of darkness destroys itself and all those who follow in its shadow. How ironic that my greatest skills are what the world most needs right now. There was a chance to embrace the astounding mystery that I had to offer, but the system of darkness persecuted me to the point where I will not share this miracle anymore. Evidence of the divine is not for those with evil malicious souls.
I found this post hard to write. It doesn't feel fluent. I don't feel I communicated what I wanted to say. I'm not sure I even knew what I wanted to say. With nuclear conflict almost upon us I find myself just making the most of each day remaining, knowing that there is no need to achieve anything in particular in a world that has no future.
The sun is nice to have near the end. May as well make the most of it. There is not much chance of there being another Spring time so it may as well be experienced as if it were the last Spring I will ever see. This will be true of other things too. Now is the time to use up that which was saved for the future. It is comforting to know that there is no chance of my completing Lucy and her system of darkness sentence of making me miss every moment of my only child's childhood. There's no chance of that at all now.
11/04/22 22:01
Well my fingers are battered but my mind and body feel better for the switch to van maintenance. Yesterday I disassembled and cleaned and rebuilt the spare wing mirror that arrived surprisingly quickly on Saturday morning. I think my repair of the original will hold up but it's well worth having a spare laying around for such an exposed item.
The familiarity gained from disassembly and reconstruction of various components also provides insights into how the other components are constructed. Each component understood means less unknowns. There is a natural hierarchy too, only so much is immediately visible, and removal of the visible items often reveals new components and a new level of understanding is revealed.
After the mirror was done I went for a drive to test everything was working and to check if the brake maintenance had cured the slight squeal. Everything was perfect and at last I started to get that newer vehicle feeling. It's amazing how a dusty environment can really make a fairly new vehicle feel quite old with accelerated wearing of components. The thorough cleaning and lubricating of everything that moves really seems to have paid off.
During the drive I decided to keep up the momentum with a visit to a jet wash. I only tried this once before and realised I need the step ladder to reach the roof so picked them up and off I went. It was hard work and a bit dangerous up the ladder with the pressure hose but the van looked much cleaner after and now looked as good it felt.
Today I went for the wheels. Real dirty work with all the brake pad dust and road grime. I got the worst off when I visited the jet wash yesterday and to keep the activity going for a fourth day on row I decided to completely restore the hub caps. Definitely not worth doing again to this extreme since they only going to get dirty again quickly, but this was more about mental and physical health than practicality.
I just didn't want to stop even though my fingers really needed some healing time. There is something about tinkering with a vehicle that keeps my hands busy and my mind distracted from other realities. The busy hands are key to keeping smoking to a minimum in a way that my usual activities tend to maximise unfortunately.
Tomorrow I intend to disassemble the passenger side of the dashboard. There are no known problems there, but its the mirror image of the area I just serviced and fixed multiple problems, so won't be difficult and this will present a chance to clean hidden areas even if no faults found. I just want to keep this momentum going.
I really hope this sticks as a hobby at least. The solar panels and onboard computer system discussed in a previous post will present many new challenges. The world is changing fast and with rising energy costs there is ever greater incentive to consider and prepare for a life on the road. Only an environment of unfamiliarity can make for a liveable future if I am to miss every day of Teagan's childhood.
Staying in a flat while waiting for a childhood to tick away for a result that I don't want to wait for is unthinkable. The trauma and trouble of this last year in particular has made me painfully aware of this. Making the van a full time activity is an essential component for this strategy to succeed.
I am pleased to have been able to make a couple of consecutive posts brimming with positivity even while still being subjected to the worst of all human right abuses. I never thought I would be able to find what I have. It is true we only really grow when outside our comfort zones. There has been a lot of good things recently, especially validation of who I am and a little pride in sticking to core principles even in a situation of adversity such as coming up the wrong side of the law. And since Teagan will be reading all this one day, it is good to have some positive material for her to read among the horrors of the past.
09/04/22 18:28
Hello diary, what a turnaround couple of days it has been. I haven't even looked at the news yet, I'm sure the required chaos is unfolding as it inevitably must. I have been busy doing what I said I would do in the last post. I have thrown myself into maintenance of my van.
Yesterday I decided to take on a broken heater/air vent. I learned how to remove the essential dashboard trim to gain access. This area also suffered coffee spillages from the previous owner, possibly leading to the expensive repair bill I had recently. This was an opportunity to clean the whole area up to make sure of no further problems later. I removed the heater/air vent module and cleaned all the muck revealed by the trim removal.
Then late afternoon my racing mechanic friend showed up after disappearing for a while. He gave me a full hands on course on how to maintain disk brakes with a view to preventing future problems and to cure a squeak that had developed. Both rear brake pads were seized tight in their holders restricting their movement. They were third party pads and they were a fraction too long for their holders leading to the seizing. A bit of sanding down and cleaning and the brakes are perfect again.
This morning I set about repairing the broken heater vent. A delicate part that pulls all the vanes at once had snapped. It looked almost impossible but I am aware any plastic break is repairable if the superglue is allowed to set properly with zero movement and consistent join pressure. I built a little jig and reinforced the repair with a metal pin. It was challenging re-assembling the damn thing but I persevered and succeeded.
I noticed that the desirable driver USB port was also messed up due to coffee spillages. I have wanted to clean this properly for some time, and I realised that I only had to remove a couple more parts and I had full access. I removed it and completely refurbished indoors using all the best cleaning solvents. The muck was so bad I wonder if it was the cause of my battery voltage not being as high as I would expect once plugged into the vehicle. I never had any battery problems, but I never liked the 0.8v voltage drop, it indicated a minor short circuit somewhere. This could well be it.
Then I put everything back together before the sun went fully down and so I could write this positive post. Got some dinner cooking then test drive afterwards to see if everything still works. I'm sure it will but even if it doesn't, anything broken is just money and time. What is priceless is the extra knowledge that will be used and built on again and again in what remains of the future.
I guess I better watch some news to see what's happening in the world. But before I do I chuckle to recall that our PM reached out with a message to the Russian people informing them they can access BBC news if they use VPN. I wondered what the chances were of that message being visible on BBC news itself. No chance as I fully expected. Why? Because the VPN door swings both ways. It allows UK people to access the Russian news to circumvent its being banned on UK TV screens.
Dinner time it is, it feels good to have been able to write a positive post today. The malice has been successfully deflected for the time being at least.
08/04/22 08:57
Let me get this straight. The system of darkness which claims it's blackout of me is for Teagan's best interest, has now escalated world tensions to the point where Russia is now entirely within her rights to enact a major escalation of the conflict? The system of darkness that goes to such lengths to stop me seeing my only child now appears to be racing towards world nuclear war that will eliminate all the children's futures. Keep it up, that way I won't have to face the horror of seeing Teagan only when she has turned sixteen. Remember that's the one scenario that cannot happen.
I have never been as interested in the news as I have recently. I was never interested before because nothing matched with the reality of life as I experienced it. It seemed to be entertainment for rich people and the voice of authority and punishment for the poor. I felt it dishonest but could rarely prove anything of significance, although enough to confirm and maintain suspicions and a healthy questioning mind.
What is happening now is entirely different to anything I have ever seen. The opportunity to see alternative news and perspectives has shown me that most of my 'paranoid' thinking was in fact simply just broadly correct. I don't fall for propaganda, I'm a computer programmer, I look for how information builds either a coherent and convincing model, or it doesn't. The Russian view stacks up and answers a lot of questions. The evidence of the media staging and deceptions and lies just like I had done to me has been astonishing and so validating and redeeming.
The full realisation is that the dominant power up till now has been the one that has been the most dishonest, the most deceptive, the most aggressive, the most negative of all human traits. The dark side, the system of darkness just as I termed it without making even a moral judgement at the time.
I'm not sure many people realise just how close humanity is to making itself extinct. The world was quite scared during the Cuban missile crisis due to the potential for nuclear conflict. Diplomacy really mattered then. We are much closer to all out nuclear war now and people are just baying for more blood and higher escalations. Since diplomacy has failed so completely does this imply that World War Three has already started? It certainly feels like it.
There's literally nothing I can do to aggravate the situation more than the extremists are already doing! I was asking for China to get involved and a coherent balance of power against Nato. Well that's all proceeding nicely thanks to the hilarious diplomatic skills of the US! A few years ago I could not have made this stuff up, and yet here it is, wrecking the world that has wrecked my life. I never thought I would see such satisfaction for the wrongs done to me and my little girl.
This soothing of my anger, this answering of my desperate calls, this need for justice being satisfied, these things now leave me free to disconnect from situation that has tortured me so long. Things will be be as they are meant to be for what has been done, I can be fairly certain of that now. I even get the sense I should prepare to make my move to see Teagan before the end at a moment's notice. Things really have escalated that far. This realisation generates a few more things to do.
Yesterday I managed to fix my damaged wing mirror as I took advantage of this disconnect opportunity. This morning I noticed a newer condition part for only £50 on e-bay. I bought it anyway because these things always get clipped and damaged in time. Today I will try to fix an air vent that got damaged in the recent major repairs. These achievements and distractions together with the world justice being enacted are all doing wonders for my mental health.
07/04/22 07:59
Yesterday I decided that todays post would be health focussed. Ever since I first realised I would probably not live long enough to ever see Teagan, this issue has been foremost in influencing my thoughts and actions and indeed how to spend my time remaining on this planet.
I have been through some terrifying health problems such as cluster headaches and it's underlying cause, the treatments for which are (wilfully) unknown to official medicine. These events led to my writing a letter begging for a chance to see my only child before I died.
This letter led to the true face of Christianity being revealed, with both Lucy and Pip deciding such a request was "inappropriate", to quote their exact wording that Teagan will one day see. Where is it written in the bible to deny a man facing death a request to see his only child before he died? I'm going to research this a bit more soon with the help of local church folk. I remember being told that the Lord works in mysterious ways. I see clearly the full extent of this now.
The brutal and frankly evil response to that letter directly led to this website and all that came from it and of course my criminal record. All of this took much from my mental and physical health as a reasonable person might expect. But since my starting position was one of being unlikely to ever see my only child, then anything that reduces the period of needless suffering remaining has got to be a good thing.
The obvious solution to ending my senseless suffering with no hope for mercy was suicide. This was tried a few times and always on Teagan birthdays, but through a combination of lack of necessary supplies, bad luck, and what must have been some kind of divine intervention. it became reluctantly clear to me that I still had work to do. I have convinced myself to avoiding such attempts except of course on Teagan birthdays for those must continue until they don't.
Once this was all understood then the only purpose for my time remaining would be to scorch the planet that has shown myself and Teagan such limit case evil. There's only so much I can do for my physical health after all these years of damage, but to be effective in my remaining time I would have to improve my mental health considerably.
But to improve my mental health after suffering the full brutal extent of the malice shown to me by the system of darkness seemed an impossible ask. After all the malice ramped up to maximum intensity could only ever have made my mental health much worse than it ever was. It was clear at that point that divine intervention of some kind was needed.
Something that would severely punish the system of darkness for years to come. Something so severe that it would pay dearly for destroying an innocent man who just wanted to see his only child. Something so severe that no matter how much more I get punished, what it suffers will make my losses look trivial.
And upon request it came. Nature's storm from the West. Russia's storm from the East. Never again will the empire of evil wield the power it has so disgracefully abused. This is the extent of the counter I needed against the malice shown me to give my mental health a much needed boost.
To see Russia treated exactly the same as me did wonders for my mental health. It made the malice towards me look and feel less personal since it is now obviously just the true nature of the beast having been revealed. The parallels between my struggle and that of the world at large suddenly gave me a sense of purpose.
I could never have caused the required economic and political damage against the system of darkness myself without being locked up for the remainder of my life, so it was crucial that some force unlinked and unrelated to me in any way did exactly what I so desperately needed on my behalf.
I had to change and adapt from who I was because sticking to my principles would have directly led to a final showdown in Ashington, provoked by the system of darkness and all who serve its ways. All the time I was true to my humanity I desperately wanted nothing more than to see my only child while she is still a child.
I had to change and adapt at my most fundamental level and fast to avoid this otherwise inevitable outcome. The only way out was to adopt a perspective that was entirely child unfriendly, one that has no room for children, one that has no room for even leaving a future for the children. One that leaves no possibility for me to have to suffer until Teagan was sixteen to be shown her only as the final malicious move to verify that I had indeed missed every moment of my only child's childhood. We all now know that this one event that will definitely never happen. She either sees me while she is a child, or she will never see me, and will suffer for the rest of her life for the evil that took her Dad away from her for no reason other than malice.
I look around today and see no future for the system of darkness and it's malicious ways. I see that the sanctions of rage are fatal self inflicted wounds that are already punishing the guilty far more than I could ever have achieved myself. I see distinct possibility of major warfare breaking out. These times are the closest we have ever got, and will probably ever get, to full thermonuclear war.
If not nuclear war then the empires of darkness will begin a new era of decline that will last for the foreseeable future of everyone involved. Compound daily punishment that will grind those of malice into a nightmare they will have no escape from, just as has been done to me. What little economic power remains will be so focussed on military escalation that there will be nothing left to try to save the world from destruction.
It is immensely satisfying that either way the system of darkness will be severely punished for what it has done to myself and Teagan with it's blackouts and lies and and malicious ways. There will be no future for anyone's children for the crimes done to myself and mine.
Within this context my physical health is of little concern. There's no future for anyone anyway, and I know I will never get to see Teagan, so the worse the physical health the better. Strange for only the mental health to be important.
If the world instead had allowed me to see Teagan while I was alive, then my major physical health problem of smoking would have been the primary focus of my life style changes needed. This is now no longer an issue. There is serious doubt I would live long enough for smoking to be a decisive factor. There is reasonable doubt that any smoker will live long enough for smoking to be a decisive factor in the current climate.
I think any improvements to my physical health must come from taking advantage of the mental health boost of the gift of extreme actual revenge by proxy granted by forces outside of my control. Because the needed revenge in all its aspects detailed previously, is being effectively enacted on my behalf, I have an opportunity to put my energies into unrelated matters to take my focus away from the pain of missing every day of my only child's childhood.
I must take this opportunity in the short time I have remaining. I finally have the necessary environment to be able to take advantage of this opportunity. I must take it to avoid both the unrelenting daily malice for the rest of my life, and of course to avoid the inevitable showdown in Ashington that I have been systematically provoked into doing. The only way to avoid that showdown was if the system of darkness could be punished more than it has punished me. The assurance of that punishment means that I can now devote my resources and last stand if required to other more effective purposes.
So with the need to enact revenge myself removed from the equation, I have to find some new things to do, and they must be things that improve physical health and reduce the need for smoking. Although I have left it a little late in life, there is one skill I lack that I have always regretted. Some basic mechanic skills. This is physical work that keeps the hands busy and any vehicles in good condition for when they are needed most.
My only real right and opportunity for access to the sunlight I need to hold off the cluster headaches is my van. This should be the focus of my energies if I am to get away from fighting for my only child as the evil environment demands. The weather is improving, and the van has much scope for conversion for a number of roles as discussed previously.
Development of the van can be funded using money that would otherwise be spent on Teagan, while it is clear it is in her best interests for her to be denied any support from me. It is not in the van's best interest to go without critical funding so I will have to spend it there instead. If I can get the right balance of physical activity then my physical health should improve as a side effect. If this happens then I have more chance of being effective and with a wider window of opportunity to enact that effectiveness in my time remaining.
A long rambling post in a way, but one I needed to make for myself as I struggle to find a way out of the unavoidable nightmare that was thrown in my path. I had to confront my own health issues for there to be any chance of avoiding otherwise inevitable consequences of the malice shown to myself and Teagan. The mental health boost given by current events made this turnaround possible. A little good luck just when it was needed most.
06/04/22 09:06
Isn't it amazing how we can get just what we need when we needed it most if our motivations are honest? My calls for help to the system of darkness were met with nothing but police invasions of my privacy and the offer of a major tranquiliser that any reasonable person knows to avoid like the plague. No help from the system of darkness that just persecuted me then. Luckily for me none was expected.
But then the world suddenly changed. I watched with astonishment as the system of darkness went on to treat a foreign country it didn't like in exactly the same manner I was treated. So I looked into the situation and found that the Russian perspective on life was very similar to my own. A perspective of moderation as opposed to the extremism with which I have been subjected. A voice of reason encouraging critical thinking. At it's simplest an alternative view of the world.
To witness the rage and hate amplify the extremism to shocking levels given the stakes involved made me realise what has been done to me is just standard practice for the Covid power intoxicated regimes. To watch as their docile child-like domesticated subjects are so easily whipped up to believe anything they are told makes me so very proud to have retained my integrity and critical thinking in such a hostile fanatical environment.
One news channel of courage and integrity that the extremists have tried and failed to suppress made all the difference. The mechanism by which they have been able to continue to contribute their voice is the exact same mechanism that means Teagan will now know who her Dad is! This cannot be overstated. If the freedom of websites had not been retained then Teagan would never know who her Dad was and the world would have been plunged into a darkness from which it would never recover.
In a world where the TV stations controlled by central authorities and many of the largest internet institutions have all now shown their impartiality and therefore blown their credibility, only the root structure of the internet itself and it's support of independent websites has remained intact. Only websites such as Russia Today and this one have been impervious to suppression by extremists states.
The extremists inability to blackout these websites has resulted in their true nature being exposed to the rest of the world. The folly of trying to blind people with deceptions in the information age will cost the extremists very dearly. They were on the brink of setting a new world order based on deception and lies that would have plagued humanity for decades to come. A new world order that would destroy the life support system of our planet and everyone and everything dependent on it. That chance has now gone.
To see the systems of darkness fail to blackout both the Russian voice and the identity of Teagan's Dad despite their very best efforts is immensely satisfying. This validation of my nature also represents the first step in my healing from the atrocities committed against Teagan and myself and my family.
I have gained some confidence and perhaps even a little pride that ONLY as a result of my ingenuity, courage, dedication and effectiveness, that my little girl will now always know who her Dad is. It wasn't just a website that means Teagan now knows who her Dad is. It was a website plus all the qualities that make me who I am and what makes me tick. If I had been deficient in any of the critical personal qualities then I would have failed, and Teagan would never know who her Dad was.
As a result of this much needed healing, I think my risks of suicide have subsided for the time being. Which is just as well because I have run out of effective means to achieve such an escape painlessly and undramatically. It obviously wasn't my time to go, and I am now just beginning to see why.
One piece of advice that holds prominence in my mind is to be the change I want to see. It turns out that achieving this idealistic meme is likely to cost a criminal record, for the systems of darkness are not in the business of being subjected to the changes people want to see. I will remember to point this out anytime I pass on this cheerful meme to others.
I have changed my little girl's world for the better. Maybe there will be some rough moments until the lies of others are resolved in favour of the truth, but such moments are the responsibility of those who sold them to her in the first place. Certainly not the loving Dad simply making himself and the truth known for all concerned to see. I have in fact helped the business of getting the truth to Teagan by providing accurate records to refresh the memories of those who have lived so long in deception and lies that the truth had perhaps been forgotten.
The economic damage to the system of darkness that will compound and last for the entire remainder of Teagan's childhood is ample revenge against those claiming to be acting in Teagan's best interest who so obviously are not. That was important to me, I don't think my mental health had any chance of recovering if I hadn't got such assurances when I needed them most.
It's a new world now. The folly of isolating and then making enemies of the critical thinkers, those with moral integrity, those with the technical skills needed to compete in the information age, will become ever more evident as each day passes. I have a lot to offer to those who will treat me as a human being. And I can and will do immense harm to those who will not.
I see now why it was not my time to die. It might just be the case that my time has come to make a difference in the world. If the future could be one of reasoning, excellence and respect for human values, then that would be a future worth fighting for. The alternative of fanatical extremism seeking the lowest common denominator with no respect for human values offers no future at all. The alternative which until very recently was looking like an inevitable consequence is now looking to be utterly vanquished. The fight is most definitely on.
05/04/22 08:45
The UK just blocked Russia's call for the UN to investigate the Bucha atrocities! Who could possibly want to block an independent investigation to get to the truth of such terrible brutality? Who would not want the evil extremists responsible held to account? The world is waking up to the true extent of the evil that the fascists extremists are capable of.
It is clear the truth would expose a very inconvenient reality. This blocking action is a major aggressive escalation. The UK appears to be gunning for nuclear war. Those who wish to avoid scorching the planet need to start making themselves heard soon.
This is another one of those situations that can be solved by critical thinking. Imagine if the reality had been that the Russians had treated the residents of Bucha well, and they reported as such to the regular army, the Azov battalion (the Nazis hidden from UK news), and the press as they arrived?
That wouldn't have fitted the narrative of demonizing the Russians and glorifying the fascists. If this reality happened, with the regulars, the Nazis and the press turning up, what do you think would happen next? What could possibly lead to what got shown on the news? What kind of western support would there be to use the Azov extremists to kill off the Bucha residents and make it look like the Russians did it instead to keep the media illusions going?
If this was done, what would you imagine would be the reaction by the extremists to the call for an independent investigation into what happened? See how you should trust critical thinking in a world of media disinformation? Evidence is one thing, but always ask the question of "who gains?" from each situation you are shown by the media.
Who would gain from the Bucha residents all being left alive and happy with the treatment by the Russian forces? Not the fascist extremists seeking to block the voice of moderation and reason. Not the empire of darkness seeking to block out the light of truth. So who would gain from making it look like the Russians killed them all off?
And now the empires of darkness want to blackout Russia entirely by trying to kick them out of the UN. It's easy to see why. These inconvenient requests by Russia are exposing the extremist regimes for what they are. Russia requests are an attempt to shine the light into the darkness. It is no wonder I have been criminalized for the exact same thing.
04/04/22 11:08
I don't want to tempt fate but I sense a positive turnaround amidst this chaos that could pave the way for a happier future even after the nightmare that I have had to live. I could not conceive of any way out of this trap and knew it would take something extraordinary to change the parameters so much as to make life worth living again.
Then right out of the blue comes an event that will trigger the biggest change in the direction of humanity since the invention of agriculture. For this event to almost exactly match my experience of confrontation with a system of darkness now has the feel of inevitable destiny about it. The parallels and timing between how this system treated me and how it treated Russia are staggering.
The implicit lack of my human right to see my only child before I even acted was matched by Russia's lack of right to defend herself from western aggression. Upon acting the full force of the system of darkness is unleashed with a staggering lack of perspective or proportion.
The media staging that appears now to be a defining feature of the system of darkness is as present in the coverage of the conflict as it was in my faked setup by the police. As long as the stage can be set then the exact news message desired can be set. I had to use intuition to figure out how I got setup. The Russians have their own video evidence and power to get that alternative evidence out to the people of the world.
Then of course the media steam rollering itself. I was never allowed to present any form of defence or ask any questions that would prove my innocence. Neither are the Russians. All due process was abandoned and language redefined to make new words to demonize and supress my actions. Blacking out the truth of what I was doing and staging a deceptive fantasy instead. Just as with Russians.
Jumping to the defence of the one who lies and deceives while not even considering the views and considerations of the honest other, and then demonizing and hating on and punishing the other, all without even listening to the words of that other. Exactly the same as with the Russians.
The Russians are learning fast the importance of the media war and are now intelligently exposing just how far the West is prepared to go to demonize those it opposes. It really is limit case stuff, just the same as with me. It wasn't personal, it's just the level of extremism reached. This is very important for me to realise, it felt so personal in its brutality, but its just the automatic consequences of extremism out of control.
Seeing the evidence of the reasoning approach versus the media staging and emotional response provoking approach has been utterly eye opening. Anyone still retaining their capacity for critical thinking must see the significance of what is happening too. There are things that I and millions of others have seen about the behaviour of the systems of darkness that can never be forgotten.
It's quite one thing to kick around a subject with mental health challenges that you want to torture for a bit of malicious entertainment. It's quite another to treat an entire nuclear armed sovereign country with the same arrogance and utter disrespect for human values. Quite another thing entirely. As we are about to all find out.
This guarantee of change and for the right reasons provides more hope for all our children's futures than anything I could possibly have imagined. This changing of the world order resonating so completely in harmony with my own struggle, has this sense of significance that might just empower me for the future I must face.
03/04/22 11:47
The police taught me an important new skill in how they managed to stage my presence in Ashington and coerced the key witnesses against me into making false statements regarding a false sighting of me. By knowing for sure I was not there, they were then able to set the stage as they desired, for there is no way I could know what they did.
If I had been there driving my known big white van, then of course the police car present would have got me. If I had maybe not been there, then the setting of the stage how they liked and the ensuing false sightings of me would not have been possible. I may have been observing unseen and I would immediately have been able to draw attention to the presence of the police car waiting for me.
It is only because the police knew for certain that I wasn't in the area, that these fake sighting were made possible. They would have had access to the ANPR data that I was refused because such evidence is only allowed to be used against people. With my absence a known certainty, it was trivial to encourage the key witnesses to claim the impossible sightings of me, and to simply hide the fact the police car was present.
It was this realisation that made me request the presence of those two police officers as defence witnesses. My requests were ignored by my compromised defence solicitor, and this key evidence proving my reasoning was withheld from me until the evening before my court appearance. I was then prevented from using it to defend myself and to expose what had been done to me.
It is interesting as a demonstration of the difficulty in maintaining lies. As well as the basic reasoning given above, there was another flaw in the fabrication. The head teacher, Pip Fairweather, would have seen me too if the other two witnesses did. Pip wouldn't lie like the others as she obviously refused to be coerced into joining in their fake sighting game.
That alone weakened the lie fatally. That the presence of the police car statement wasn't destroyed was very careless was it not? There can be no other explanations for how the police car was present but was unable to catch me despite being within metres of the claimed sightings of me. And so I have clear evidence of police corruption, of witnesses committing criminal offences by deliberately falsifying their statements, and of a resulting charge that was entirely fabricated from perfectly legal activities.
There is nothing illegal about creating a website and advertising it once with stickers and once with signs on a van. By combination of police fabrications and encouraging key witnesses to lie it was possible to turn these legal activities into a criminal offence. It is astonishing to see the true face of the institutions that I was led to believe acted with honesty and decency and were worthy of respect.
How totally opposite they turned out to be. To have the water tight proof of all this is so redeeming for one labelled as being paranoid. The only thing that has kept me sane over the last twenty years or so is the assurance that one is only paranoid if he or she is wrong. To have confirmation that most of the paranoias I thought I had were actually just me reading the situation correctly, is very self validating if not assuring too.
There must be a template trick here the police use to stitch people up like they did me. It boils down to be being very careful about any situation when you know you weren't there, and they know you weren't there. In that situation they can fabricate a reality showing that you were there and you wont be able to do a thing about it.
Be very careful about situations where you weren't there. You have to learn the skill of figuring out what must have happened as a result of you not being there. Just like I did, and just like I have the proof of, the proof will come your way too, once you figure out what must have happened. It's an essential skill for making sense of the system of darkness when it turns it's focus on you.
Just three pieces of official paper prove everything I claim beyond any reasonable doubt. I am going to consolidate this reasoning with the evidence backing it up into it's simplest, clearest form. I will wait until after sentencing and then present this to the official channels for inspection and keep escalating the process until it get's a response.
02/04/22 08:50
Wow, things really are heating up nicely, a term I couldn't have used if the situation now was at the end of the warm season rather than the beginning. There are remarkable parallels between my fight to see my little girl, and the wider world's fight against fascist extremism in both the actions and the timing.
As such the time has come to point out the first of such stunning parallels. Despite the banning of the Russian point of view from extremist TV screens, the website domain is still accessible against the wishes of those who wish to silence all opposing points of view. So by visiting www.rt.com you can still access the Russian news station to get both sides of the story as all non-extremists should.
It is most interesting that neither the UK nor the EU or US have been able to block this domain. It has been under attack and has disappeared for up to a few hours at a time. But it has always made its way back and continues to this moment. This has surprised me in the same way I am surprised the UK powers have been unable to shut Teagan's domain down. It will be a fascinating story to one day see how the battle played out between the extremists and those who guarantee the freedom of the internet.
From following this news over the last several weeks I can report that it has been a highly moderate and carefully diplomatic and professional outfit. They have shown amazing restraint in the face of the fury unleashed against them. They have consistently presented only confirmed factual material to a very high standard to bring the issues of the area to the public attention. This channel treats viewers as adults by allowing the viewer the opportunity to form their own opinions from the facts presented.
This is the great contrast between their news and the state news of the western extremists. Our state news imposes it's narrative while blacking out all opposing views, and also tells us how we should be interpreting what we are being shown, in the same way as a parent might try to help a child understand what is happening, but with far more sinister motives.
Notice the priority on blacking out the truth? This explains why I now have a criminal record. A system of darkness that prides itself and is built on lies is not going to like individuals shining the light of truth on a matter. The light of truth is the arch enemies of the darkness of blackouts and lies. Now it makes sense why there was such a strong negative reaction against me for doing no more than basic Christian values demand, which is tell the truth and do the right thing even and especially when it is not convenient to do so.
We will now expose that child-like implication from another angle because it is a symptom of fascist extremism that cannot be hidden once it's lies and deceptions have been fully exposed. Those of us who have lived a good many years on this earth will all still remember an important word from the past. That word is diplomacy.
It's a wonderful word. It's a word of moderation. It's a word that helps to keep extremism at bay. It's a word that by it's very definition seeks to find the middle ground between extremist views in order to disable the threat of extremism so that we may all live in peace. Diplomacy is of the highest value to the safety of a world where weapons of mass destruction truly exist (everywhere but Iraq).
As soon as the world mass produced nuclear weapons the most important word and concept for keeping the peace might well be diplomacy. As such I presumed as I grew up that the need and importance for effective diplomacy would be so high as to make changing the world in an instant an impossible hope or dream.
But it's also an adult speciality, requiring years of experience and deep understanding of human nature to conduct effectively. A regime that deliberately made itself child-like for purposes of easy control of its populations, would always start to lose sight of such adult and moderate concepts.
And if such a regime should succeed in keeping it's population child-like and easy to control, then the ruling powers would not be able to prevent themselves from acting and behaving like school teachers. And once this dynamic existed, then all sight of the need and importance for diplomacy would be lost.
Finding the middle ground is the way of moderation and the road to peace. Polarisation is the way of extremism and the road to setting the world on fire. Finding the middle ground requires seeing all points of view. Extremism comes from only being allowed a single point of view.
We now can see why the world is in the current state it is. A bunch of evil dinner lady regimes have decided to try and use the same manipulations they use on their own child-like populations, on full blown nuclear weapon owning sovereign countries. Sanctions gained popularity in the UK by the wealthy for they were used against the poor if they didn't quite meet some slavery availability criteria.
They were very effective at eliminating the poor by starving them of money needed to survive, forcing many into suicide or a life of crime outside the system. The system presumably noticed that the sanctioned people simply disappeared off their books and therefore solved the problem and were deemed a successful strategy for reducing the benefit claimant numbers.
So then intoxicated with the absolute power that came with the Covid human right destroying mechanism, the now all powerful evil dinner lady regimes suddenly faced an adult situation they were simply not prepared for. A situation requiring the very grown up and moderation skill of diplomacy.
But the evil dinner ladies had forgotten their roots and could not find their way back until they had all opened their mouths and exposed what they had become for all the children to see! And the few adult countries remaining watched in shock and with that awkward sense of embarrassment that comes from watching someone you know disgracing themselves in public.
As soon as the UK foreign secretary opened her foul mouth she personally pushed the Russians to escalate to their next level of nuclear readiness! Note that this is the limit case of diplomatic failure! Limit cases everywhere. That's how extremism looks. She has personally endangered the future prospects of all the UK's children's futures regardless of which side you may have chosen. That's just a verifiable fact.
Diplomacy is not weakness. Bullying is not strength. Diplomacy provides a way back from the conflicts and disagreements of adults such that our children don't have to pay the price for our actions. Throwing away diplomacy in a nuclear armed world is the ultimate way to fail our children. It could only be thrown away so easily by countries who had long since abandoned adult moderation and become child like extremists instead.
I see now that this exposure of the identity and extent of the extremist nations is actually a wonderful thing. It has been exposed sooner than it was ready and sooner than it wanted or needed for some sinister objective or another. But now the light has shone on their darkness just as this website shone light into the darkness in Ashington. How my battle for my human right to see my child has paralleled the battle the world now faces too. How astonishingly all in it together we have suddenly become. This gives me a little hope that the regimes of blackouts and lies are crumbling by the day.
So now to the question which I ask regardless of your position in the current conflicts of the day. How do you rate the diplomatic skills and efforts of your playground masters? How good have the dinner ladies been in peacefully resolving the dispute between the two groups of kids? How critical is the capacity to conduct professional diplomacy in keeping the world from nuclear conflict?
01/04/22 11:16
I see clearly now the extent of the conflict in fundamental values between myself and a system of darkness that would keep a human being from his only child for no reason other than malice.
One of us worships an invisible god in order to destroy the visible nature. The other worships the visible nature in order to destroy the invisible god. One side seeks to destroy it's own life support system. The other would rather see a future for the children. There is no need to identify who is who or any of the reasons why. It's enough know this dynamic exists. It really shouldn't be so hard to see.
01/04/22 09:29
So satisfying to see my much needed revenge for what has been done to me and my only child being played out precisely as I vowed. Guaranteed major EU recession coming your way costing you millions per day as promised. Every days losses will be just as irrecoverable as mine. The losses will compound to something far greater than their daily sum. Exactly as you have done to me! All current children face consequences entirely against their best interests under this system of darkness which maliciously acted against my Teagan's best interests.
This damage alone is just about enough to satisfy my most basic need for some level of justice. But unfortunately the malice shown me is so limit-case, that I sense and fear that this is only the beginning. There is much for the taking at this table of play and the time in which it is being played out. So much more. And my appetite is unquenchable right now and will remain so until I have laid my eyes on my only child as is my human right to do so.
With this in mind the wider geopolitical view musty be examined and appreciated. The whole Asian continent is refusing to dance to the war drums of the West. They have seen and can never un-see the far right fascist extremist response of those who were caught trying to implement a new world order with their pants down and their foul outspoken mouths ever so revealing.
They have recognized the need to form a counter organization to the extremist NATO regime. They have woken up to the reality of the impossibility for independent countries to resist the policies of an aggressive group of countries. The only way to counter such a group is with an opposing group, what has always been called maintaining a balance of power.
Now the focus turns to the Middle East. This is where things could really go wrong for the empires of darkness. If the West loses the Middle East support and the energy that comes with it, then it will never in our lifetimes or for generations to come hold the dominance it held up until Russia made her stand. And now even Israel refuses to dance to the NATO drums of war.
Any change to the geopolitics of the Middle East raises the chance to scorch the earth. It's hard to see any way back now, the exposure and extent of Western arrogance has changed the world forever.
I ask one last time before your world is set ablaze. Let Teagan meet her Dad or you will all suffer the full consequences of your limit case malice. Take all the time you can afford. Take all the time you can stand. Take all the time you deserve. I will not ask again.
31/03/22 11:26
Proof reading and reflecting on the content of my last post I realise how circumstances can heavily influence our actions. If I had been allowed to have contact with my only child then my activities would be much more focussed on the LED effect system that I developed and the unique effects that run on it. Effects that delight children at festivals and wherever I go basically.
But since my little girl Teagan is not allowed to have the first of these utterly unique lighting devices that I built with my mind and bare hands, then I cannot see why other children should enjoy the beauty of that which I have created. What sense is there in creating anything of beauty if your own children are exclusively not allowed to enjoy such things?
And the system of darkness that would take such a unique light from the hands of a child and destroy the look in her eyes such a gift from her own Dad would have given, is something that could not appreciate the beauty of such work and efforts in any meaningful way. For some reason this is the age of malice and I must adapt and respond accordingly.
I think all but one of us would prefer to live in a world of colourful creativity than one dominated by military action and the scorching of the planet for all the children's futures. Let's hope the rule of one woman's malice and the system of darkness that supports her is coming to an end.
The light that should end the darkness has been fully deployed. Exactly as was promised on the holding page before this site went live. In fact all the promises on the holding page have been honoured in full. The destiny of the whole world might just rest on just a few critical value judgements such as these.
31/03/22 09:34
One thing I need to be cautious about. I have no official confirmation and therefore no proof my sentencing has been adjourned until 25th April. I do of course have two witnesses this is the case, but past experience has shown that the system of darkness has the power to ignore all evidence provided against it. This means that I should be prepared to get arrested within the next day or two or until I get official confirmation of the adjournment.
Such a malicious arrest would only would only cause a minor inconvenience and strengthen my justification and resolve to strike back effectively at a later date. While I was worrying about this and my need to find something constructive to help my mental and physical health I came up with an enticing possibility.
I have had my van for three years now and not yet made the most use of it. I chose a van over a car because I need to get out of this dark housing association cell as much as possible during the day to avoid triggering the cluster headache condition. Prior to the van I have always had saloon cars which are utterly unsuited to my life circumstances. They have seating for four passengers that never get used. Those seats occupy space without serving a purpose. I live alone and have few friends and even fewer people to drive around with. A vehicle is the only private space one can have in the outside world and for that space to be both non-private and non-functional is absurd. Such a vehicle is simply the wrong choice.
While I have never had the desire nor the skills to convert to a full motorhome, I realised that even an empty private space where I could rest and hide away from a hostile world if necessary was a far more empowering use of a vehicle's spare space. I could always just add functionality as required so the potential for constructive activities was so much higher than was possible with a car.
This need for extra function will only grow with increasing age and declining health. Quite literally, it is easier to stay outdoors longer with a van than it is with a car. The reasonable range that can be travelled is much increased. This is necessary to manage and improve both my physical and mental health.
There is one interest area that dominated my entire childhood and while supressed for a few decades when my childhood ambition went badly wrong, has always bubbled under the surface as something to return to with a sense of purpose one day. And that is flight. In particular the military use of flight, although the act of simply flying a plane myself was one of the most natural experiences of my life with no military application required.
Boys have their dreams and they know not the horrors of war, things as an adult I learned to appreciate and this understanding helped heal the wounds and regrets of such a crushing early setback. When I was refused as a pilot for the RAF I did my best to bury my childhood dreams and find other paths through life.
Over the last few years I have kept a watchful eye on drone development. There are practical difficulties with getting involved with such things for two major reasons. I don't have a large amount of private land in which to master the flying skills required to make effective use of the technology. It is essential to have high levels of competence and experience in order to use these things safely and effectively.
And secondly my eyes simply aren't good enough anymore, particularly for flying from first person perspective with visors covering the eyes. That's definitely the younger person's realm, with fastest reactions, and if of wealth, then with access to the private land needed to perfect the art completely.
A third reason could be the increased risk of criminal activity, but since it is illegal to even write websites these days, and charges exist with undefined meanings, pretty much anything has the potential to be illegal these days. If the only way to be sure of avoiding criminal behaviour is to sit indoors each day watching TV and doing as little as possible, well then I may as well just accept I have criminality in my genes and just accept that the remainder of my life will be a life of crime.
But the van opens an interesting possibility that could mitigate the two primary constraints completely, and we see in the news that drones are once again flavour of the month with people singing praises for their effectiveness once more. The van room allows for an indoor drone control station where the flight video is displayed on a computer screen instead where simple reading glasses can correct my defective vision in a way that cannot be achieved with the headsets.
Over time it has been shown that the most effective drone usage comes not from direct control, but from following automated flight plans to perform specific operations without requiring real time flight control by human operator. And I have far greater computer skills than I do flying skills, so the whole technology seems to have moved from the wealthy younger persons realm into the hands of those with the right computer programming experience.
So much so that the van modifications required amount to little more than a solar power energy system and a computer setup. Not too ambitious for one with such poor DIY skills and so realistically achievable. Such an achievement would build further confidence for future modifications.
The exact same modifications are entirely general purpose too. A solar powered computer setup equally serves as a chance to write more material as I seem to have developed a passion for this too over the past year or so. As I found in court even poem writing can be used in evidence to convict a person. My friend told me that I must be doing something right to have the prosecution read out my poetry as evidence against me. Proof indeed that the pen can be mightier than the sword.
And also the same modifications serve to allow general computer programming in serene environments with plenty of light. Those are the conditions required to embark on ambitious projects that would otherwise be hampered by lack of light in the housing association cell. If I return to network programming in a much more wireless world, the effectiveness of such technology is always going to be higher when operating from remote locations.
The strategic value of the mobile drone control application is akin to that of a miniature stealth aircraft carrier in an era where control of the air is an essential ingredient of any effective operation. An individual however wealthy would not be allowed to have their own aircraft carrier under any conceivable circumstances. The very richest of the billionaires are limited to yachts with a couple of helicopters and perhaps a couple pf surface to air missile defence installations.
Drones have the advantage over aircraft of having virtually no heat signature and are practically invisible to radar. With automated flight plans and control, missions carried out at night are virtually undetectable and certainly untraceable. For aircraft such security measures are completely out of reach for modestly resourced individuals. But for drones these measures basically come for free. They are truly a thing of the times for individual empowerment and entertainment.
The main vulnerability a drone on an automated flight path must endure is the jamming of the GPS frequencies it is navigating by. Well since civilian GPS has nowhere near the resolution as the military version, it should be fairly easy to both overcome the civilian GPS limitations and chance of jamming by triangulating precisely using LIDAR between three other drones that would be operating for this exact purpose.
With this vulnerability overcome all that remains is risk of interception by a skilled manual pilot flying for the system of darkness. Such a pilot could only be using a limited range of usable control frequencies which should all be easily jammable using a directional antenna without affecting the performance of my forces in the slightest. It is as essential for a drone carrier to maintain effective defence of itself and its swarm as it is for an aircraft carrier. That is what makes them such a potent strategic investment.
Despite all this capability the concept of a drone carrier is both completely legal and easily achievable to those with modest means and the right technical expertise. There's nothing in the MOT test that prohibits the modifications required to perform these functions either. It's also fairly trivial to disguise this function due to the overwhelming evidence for the authentic alternate usages indicated above.
And finally all three functions and their applications are injunction friendly, which are essential constraints to avoid getting in any more trouble. Injunctions set new challenges, they demand fresh approaches and creative thinking. They can be seen as motivators to do more with one's life. That's all constraints intended to harm my quality of life have ever done. It is a primary instinct to resist and rebel against such malicious intentions with every fibre of my being.
That's three incredibly useful functions requiring the exact same equipment and modifications. All of which could multiply to keep me out of the dark flat for ever longer periods of time. This is the positive thinking and constructive outlook I think I need. Had to get this down while it was on my mind. Must now prepare for any malicious arrest attempt and do my best to keep my spirits high during this uncertain time.
30/03/22 22:00
It may well be the case that most people reading this site will conclude that I'm some kind of raving lunatic. I freely admit this situation has indeed pushed me right over the edge and each day I find myself changing from the person I once knew and recognized. That is what unrelenting malice and torture does to a person.
May I ask the reader just one thing if I may be so bold? What kind of man would you prefer your Dad to be, or to have been while you were a child? One who would passively miss every moment of your childhood from just ten miles away without doing a thing? Maybe one who would be a nice complicit citizen and file all the appropriate documents in timely fashion but otherwise show nothing for your heart to be set alight by?
Or an insane wizard warrior whatever who would do absolutely anything, including using technology in ways never used before, to go up against the system hiding your Dad from you with no fear or sign of backing down? One who would plan and execute the perfect precision strike to let you know who your Dad was and how much he loved you? One who would do all of this without knowing anything about you because the blackout had been so thoroughly complete? One who would do all this unconditionally just for you and your heart and your assurance that your Dad always loved you?
What type of Dad would you have preferred given the same circumstances?
30/03/22 18:36
A little light heartedness to end this surprisingly anxiety free day. I am not sure if I mentioned before but the court costs and fine that will need to be paid will somewhat unfairly be taken from Teagan's money. This is because I will still spend what I need to spend to live regardless, with Teagan getting everything I don't get to spend.
Now for myself I would not commit crimes to recover money or anything else taken from me with the single exception of my daughter. But anything taken from my little Teagan without even knowing that she had lost it, for that I will do whatever it takes to recover every penny to make sure Teagan does not pay the price for the consequences of my actions.
In recognition of this an anonymous supporter from the East emailed me with the kind offer of covering my court expenses for me thus helping to prevent further crimes on my part. While this astonishing act of kindness would indeed help to keep me out of further trouble, there is the minor complication that my costs could only be paid in roubles.
Now while this might attract a little suspicion if not downright outrage depending on the state of play, I think it fair to point out that this is the only currency that will keep those stately homes and mansions warm this next winter, and so is probably safer as a currency to hoard for energy purchases than the other more compromised currencies might be.
Or I could accept them myself and pay with compromised currencies quickly before they become worthless. I never had a financial head for such matters. Too late to fill my head with such silliness at such times when there is so much to do to make contact with little Teagan.
30/03/22 16:50
Actually had to take a sleeping pill last night despite having a much earlier sleep pattern than was needed. That proved it was stress and malicious pressure doing as it was intended. Really getting the true feel of the malice and arrogance inherent in this extremist culture that we are currently living under the shadow of. Making children go without their Dads for no reason is now looking somewhat consistent with the general malicious intentions of this empire of darkness towards it's own people. How they can expect anyone to serve and comply or even contribute towards the well being of such a sinister culture is beyond any comprehension of mine.
I just see moral sound logical reasons to resist and undermine such toxic extremism. My grandparents fought a war to keep these kind of people from the shores of this country. How a generation or two since then has the capacity to forget so quickly the lessons of history.
Those thoughts aside, today started with a surprise visit from two friends determined to help me in the hopeless situation I faced. They agreed I must make a stand and not be coerced into acting against my doctor's advice so off to the local police station I went armed with the relevant letters and my anti-anxiety prescription.
Upon arrival I made sure I took both anti-anxiety pills in full view of the CCTV camera then rang the bell requesting my arrest. They were reluctant and even refused to arrest me for breaking my bail conditions. Even for failing to make it to the court I should not expect to be arrested for a day or two?
Quite a fickle bunch aren't they? One day they can arrest you for creating a website and advertising it with some stickers, and then another day a known criminal who has clearly broken his bail conditions and about to commit a further offence can't get arrested for love nor money. And right after committing to getting arrested by dropping the full anti-anxiety dose. To rub salt in the wounds I was advised that the police do not offer a free taxi service to the courts. I'm beginning to wonder what I pay my council tax for.
I tried making a fuss before the anti-anxiety pills hit hard and tried to find a way of committing a crime while still able to do so. Unfortunately the pills cut in before I could do much and so it was clear this approach wasn't going to get me anywhere. Luckily my friend had been waiting for 45 mins on a phone call to the courts when he got an answer and found out that my sentencing has been adjourned until 25th April.
Which means the system of darkness has finally recognized that they cannot steam roller over my medical conditions any more. I have no official confirmation this is the case, not even from Probation, so I kindly forwarded on the details of the adjournment to keep them informed of the developments.
We also have a result on the test of what 10mg diazepam does if taken within an hour of waking up from a good nights sleep. It's not as disabling as I imagined, just a nice anti-anxiety effect while remaining coherent and mostly capable. But it definitely removed the urge to get arrested by criminal minded scoundrels such as myself. If ever I do get arrested early in the day I must be sure to take at least three of these to have the required effect. That I only had the two as my prescription directed I was able to enjoy a few hours social time with my friends and even go for a walk and go for a drive to do some shopping. Always follow the instructions on your medicines but add 50% extra if arrested.
I wouldn't use this medicine again first thing in the morning as I was forced to do today. It is definitely less effective immediately after a full nights sleep. Ordinarily I would only take it deep into a day from which there was no reasonable recovery. This always results in extreme calming and a good night sleep followed by entire following day of calmness. This is due its 18 hour effect which can be nudged a bit longer with a little grapefruit juice in the system.
This means this medicine should never need to be taken two days running. Two days of calmness is enough to find something to do to get through a few more days requiring nothing. Diazepam is a very effective medicine when used like this. A night and a day of break from world of malice when really needed is as much as can be hoped for. Tolerance and addiction build so fast if used daily as to make the medicine worthless for a long term strategy. Just like the opiates. And tolerance and addiction to medicines that when needed are really needed is something to avoid at any cost.
Diazepam is also now a proven effective crime prevention treatment. In case of possibility of committing a crime, the consumption of a couple of these or as directed by your doctor will soon leave you unable to act upon the irresistible urge to get arrested. They are also effective in preventing you from following your bail conditions to the letter and finding yourself arrested for not interpreting them to have meant the reverse of what was written. It's unthinkable the amount of crime that would be going on if medicines like these weren't in the hands of those who needed them most.
The adjournment means this site has at least another four weeks of life, although whether that is a good thing or not from my perspective is another matter entirely. I really feel like the current format has done it's job, and a new slim downed version with less detail and more communication options should be the way forward.
In addition my current bail conditions must remain in force for another four weeks unless I am notified otherwise. That means I "must not go more than the whole postal code from Ashington". I suppose the safest way to comply would be to drive up the country route to avoid ANPR catching me breaking my bail condition. Probably at night too. As long as I have the bail conditions in my hand I should be safe. The letter of the law is to be obeyed before my sense of right and wrong, as my recent court case proved beyond reasonable doubt.
I have discussed the children's book idea with my Mum and some good friends. They all think its a brilliant idea and highly likely to be immune from injunctions as any further developments will need to be. Poor Mum is under a bit of pressure as her next eldest son has been in a fight that took six policemen to break up. So her two eldest sons seem to be doing all they can to get themselves arrested after a life of being seemingly good citizens.
I have to admit I am left pondering whether I should have tried to make it to Brighton today. It is unlikely I will ever be presented with an opportunity to crack under extreme pressure with no realistic chance of legal responsibility for my actions. Today was my chance to make a hell of a mess and not be held responsible. Such a mess could have attracted much needed attention to this injustice.
I have to wonder if my natural non-violent nature that finds it hard to be malicious to people is actually serving my best interest. If today I had acted with the malice shown me then this story could have been bought to full national attention. And since others are encourage to act with malice surely they wouldn't have come down too hard on me for doing the exact same thing to others?
I have to remember is not the malice that is criminal, it is the reaction by good people to imposed malice that is the criminal action, such as I have just found out. That gives me a few more ideas for ways to strike back at the malice shown me using means that could not be traced back to me. Now I see the true face of the system of darkness, I am better equipped to hurt it than ever before.
Although currently it's own inherent arrogance is hurting itself more than I could ever do as an individual. Sometimes the most effective way to destroy an opponent is to watch it self destruct from a safe distance. That's what the system of darkness appears to be doing to itself right now.
29/03/22 17:37
No change of venue despite obvious medical evidence I wont be able to make it. Therefore I will automatically be committing further criminal offences that will presumably just ignore all evidence and ban me from defending myself for a second time. I think I have now been sufficiently provoked into making something happen. What to do. I need to make some noise to get this injustice noticed and have now been given no other options.
Well first I have to leave an evidence trail. I'm now forced to post up the evidence showing what these thugs are trying to do to me together with all their clumsy mistakes and my medical proof showing they should not have tried to send me there. The legal responsibility for whatever happens will be all theirs. It's amazing how the system of darkness just provokes people into committing more offences and escalating situations till they get right out of hand.
I got just two choices left now. Hand myself in to the same police station that deliberately fabricated evidence against me to secure a conviction. Or take it to the road where we can escalate all the way while I at least have a chance of fighting back for a while with my 3.5 tonnes. Probably should obey the other bail conditions to the letter since I can't obey the Brighton order. At least I can't possibly break the Tegan Wheelan condition.
That's a decision for first thing in the morning after grapefruit juice for breakfast. I notice that grapefruit juice is mentioned in my medicine's instructions but not at all discouraged. Good. I will need all the extra effect I can get.
29/03/22 09:57
That moment of clarity captured in the previous post has revealed the next step in the battle for Teagan! I can't believe I hadn't thought of it sooner. What a difference a foundation of positivity can make.
I vaguely remember the Aesop's fables children's stories of morality and wisdom. They were my favourite among all the children's stories I remember. Like the boy who cried wolf, and the dog who saw the reflection of his bone in the water and thought he would go for both. These stories captured important lessons, timeless lessons applicable to any era.
But the modern era has bought new challenges and there should be updated versions of such valuable tales. Such as what has happened to Teagan and her Dad against the forces of darkness. The extraordinary circumstances in which Teagan found out who her Dad is would make the perfect punchline of such a story right?
The best stories for children are based on true stories are they not? I simply have to write a lighter child oriented version of Teagan's story with all the names removed to make the most amazing children's story ever told. Can you imagine the look on a child's face at the moment Teagan found the sign on that post box? What a look that must be.
Now this story with all names removed could not possibly be bannable or usable against me. In this modern world there is no need for a publisher as an obstacle to getting the book out among the public. Free copies could be distributed anywhere I choose, as well as in electronic form in every corner of the internet.
And should Teagan come upon such a book, even with all the names removed, she will know exactly whose story was the truth behind the children's tale. The legal constraints are no longer constraints when the story tells its own truth due to it's utter uniqueness. The ambiguity of anonymity is utterly compromised by a singularly unique life experience.
Even the artwork can portray the characters involved in a caricature form that would delight kids and still be utterly unambiguous. The body shapes and motivations that define the characters would be faithfully reproduced in the artwork. In fact I will get kids to do the artwork of the story using the exact same motivations and principles that led to me attaching a sign to this website to the kinder egg stall right by where customers had to queue in the only general store in Ashington.
This would be the first children's story presenting the police to be sinister characters who are not as they represent. All faithfully reproduced from facts! That will appeal to kids immensely, especially those with a rebellious nature! I can see them screaming with delight at how their need to capture the Dad resulted in the little girl finding the sign he left just for her. And then their reactions all faithfully retold in a form a child can easily understand.
For generations to come puzzled kids might ask police awkward questions about the role they played in this story. They will have their answers of course, but given the provable and therefore known basis of truth in their part in the story, such questions might perhaps influence police behaviour to change to a way that they would prefer kids to see instead.
I see now there is an amazing children's story to be told, and one that doesn't require too much work to produce. It's just a case of editing Teagan's story down to the simplest minimums and removing the names of those concerned. Children's stories can propagate and persist over generations to come in a way that a website simply cannot!
And a children's story is a lot smaller and lighter and easier to distribute than the full account of this website. The possibilities for such a story to make it's way to Teagan or someone who knows it's about Teagan are endless. Surely there can be no injunction condition that I not be allowed to write a children's story with entirely fictional characters?
Most importantly of all, for my rehabilitation chances, the action of writing and distributing children's stories cannot possibly be further criminal offences. Excellent. Perhaps at court tomorrow I might offer my willingness to turn around of a tragic experience into one which delight the children of tomorrow as evidence of trying to rehabilitate into a system of darkness whose values I cannot accept?
There's even more. This children's story will be so accurate that it would additionally act as the index into the proofs that I will leave Teagan in my Will. The top-level easily understood story for which all the detail can be logically presented. This saves me from the emotionally and physically draining task of tying all the proofs and accounts together with even more writing on the subject.
The day before this website has achieved it's purpose, the clear vision of the next task is revealed. Such a book would even be injunction proof in a way that this website might not be. I have suffered continually for years over what has been done to me. Now is the time to find some pride in what I have achieved and take the fight to the highest level imaginable!
29/03/22 08:36
Got to write down some positive aspects of my situation to try and find a way through this impossible nightmare. There are some things I should feel good about, and perhaps even some motivations to live and then by implication what to do next. This will be a disjoint post because these things are not clear in my mind.
Right first and foremost, my actions mean my little girl Teagan is guaranteed to know who her Dad is. My actions guarantee she will live her entire life knowing she was loved by her Dad too, even if she never got to meet him. These are tremendous achievements. The greatest achievements are those made for the benefit of those we love even if, and perhaps especially if, it means sacrificing ourselves in the process.
This was achieved in the face of a seven year total blackout where Teagan had no idea who her Dad was, and stood to never know. This was achieved against powerful hostile opponents who did their very best to protect this evil blackout, with the intention of causing as much harm to my little Teagan when she grew up as they could possibly have inflicted.
So powerful were the blackout forces of darkness that their only real weakness was their incredible sense of arrogance. How the police let my little girl walk home on the day they knew the route home was covered by my little signs is astonishing. Teagan should have been driven home by the police car that was present giving her no chance of finding one of my signs.
But they were so sure I would return that their desire to make sure they got me was the priority over protecting Teagan. So sure were they that they had managed the situation that they let her go the usual way home. And then in that moment where the imaginary sighting of me was required, Lucy sent Teagan running to the post box so she could agree the sighting with the brother acting as Teagan's Dad.
One evil deception too many, for there on the post box was one of my little signs that the wardens had missed, and Teagan was able to stare at it for long enough to never leave her memories. Just her name with a dot com added. In a dot com world. A precision strike right under the noses of the forces of darkness. A seven year total blackout was smashed to smithereens in an instant.
It is obvious now why the evidence of that police presence was hidden from me until the evening before my trial to give me no chance at all of exposing what the police had done. As well as exposing their sheer arrogance and incompetence and failure to protect Teagan, evidence of their presence also fatally undermines the falsified sightings of me used to arrest and convict me. I have challenged the police on multiple occasions with this serious accusation and there has been no response. There's no way they could wriggle out of it with the clear evidence I hold. So obvious that even a child can see why the police lied. And a child will see that the police lied to convict her Daddy.
With this clear reality in mind I suppose I have to accept that the system of darkness is not going to have liked this at all. With only one tool at their disposal for criminalizing legal activity they were forced into shaping what I did into the only thing they could charge me with. Their motivation for revenge is obvious in the way they interfered with my defence solicitor and made it impossible to defend myself or present defence evidence in court.
Instead of taking this malice from the system of darkness personally I should perhaps interpret this energy as appreciation of the significance of my achievements for my little girl. There was no previous bad blood between myself and the system of darkness. Their reaction therefore confirms the effectiveness and style of my actions to notify my little girl who her Dad is.
The criminal offence with which I am about to be issued is a badge of honour that provided so much proof for my little girl that I would have paid any price to have acquired it. For any real criminal offence the only regret would be the shame from my Mum who raised me to respect and live within the law. But for this action, this badge of honour, she has assured me of her full backing and a sense of pride in her eldest son instead. Such things for honour and for family and for doing the right thing against the odds are to be coveted and treasured!
The value of proof of selfless motivation for all the world to see? Priceless. Far more valuable and enduring than any achievement for the self. These are the achievements that live on even after those whose actions spoke louder than their words have long since passed.
And although this may be the last day of this website, it has already achieved everything I could reasonably have hoped it could achieve. And something completely unplanned that only became reality once I got bail conditions imposed on me. This diary. It was never a planned part of the website.
Due to security concerns and to guarantee Teagan gets the whole story against the wishes of the forces of darkness, I have had to start making up a book form of the information in this site. That will be e-book and printed books stored at multiple locations on multiple devices for maximum redundancy. The book form is what will be left in my Will to guarantee Teagan gets the full story of what happened with the names of every person involved and what they did.
Now this diary is a book in itself. A book inadvertently written. A book where no writer's block could interfere. This book will prove to Teagan that over the course of an entire year never a day went by when she wasn't on my mind. This book will prove the true face of the system of darkness that had deceived throughout her entire childhood.
There will be no need nor desire for me to keep this agonizing diary going any longer. The website has achieved everything I needed it to achieve and its continued presence probably harms me more than it can do any further good. At least in it's current form, and especially with this diary that I could otherwise not leave alone.
And so even if the system of darkness takes the website away from me tomorrow, in almost all ways conceivable I can have the satisfaction of knowing that it did exactly what it was meant to do. It's continued existence to this day without complaint also suggest that there is not much to be gained by closing the stable door after the horse has bolted.
Yes I have lost every moment of my only child's childhood. But I have many achievements to be proud of. But none greater than a precision strike against a powerful system of darkness that did not expect such determined opposition capable of getting such a stunning result against it.
That I have been blind to all of the above shows how much I care about missing every day of Teagan's childhood for no reason. If I can find a way to lower this caring, I will be able to see and value my achievements more clearly, more consistently, and in a way that gives me motivation to take the fight to the next level, whatever that may be.
27/03/22 19:12
Fear building about my impossible court appearance in Brighton first thing Wednesday morning. I have a doctors letter specifically stating I can't go to Brighton for official hostile matters. This was missed in court as all my evidence was ignored. Including medical evidence. However I have given the letter to probation who have better access to the courts than I do. Nearly two weeks ago. So there is no way I can be legally liable for anything that may go wrong on my journey to Brighton.
I haven't been to Brighton in over ten years due to it being so hostile towards traffic. I got no chance finding a spot for my van. I haven't been on public transport for even longer and have no idea of the schedules.
I am going to ring probation tomorrow to see if the senseless risk of sending me to a hostile environment that my doctor strongly indicates I should not be made to do is changed back to where my trial was. If not I need a strategy because if I don't make it then I could be sent to prison.
Luckily I got prescribed some good anti anxiety medicine just when I needed it most. I can foresee no more anxiety inducing an activity than I face on Wednesday. My medicine instructions say take one or two as needed. This will definitely be a two. So that will be 10 mg of diazepam. There's no driving on that. There's not much chance of my feeling or sensing anything at all from that. It will be a great help in supressing my burning need for justice. I have to take the injustice so that my little girl will have the proof I loved her and would do anything to make contact with her. The proof that I am her Dad too. None of that existed before I did what I had to do.
But I can't see how to make it on 10 mg diazepam. I have never taken diazepam first thing in the morning before. I know exactly what it does late at night if having trouble sleeping. It definitely removes anxiety completely. So a little test in the name of science for the day finding out the effect of 10 mg after a full night's sleep. Getting back home afterwards will be interesting. The story will be told in full here. Or at least as much as I can remember. If I can't remember anything, I can't be anxious about anything. I guess that's how these things work.
The only reasonable solution I can see is to walk to local police station with my prescription, my court order, and my letter saying I shouldn't go to Brighton. If I arrive there an hour before the court appearance is due the police have the choice of giving me a lift to appear in time, or to arrest me in an hour to take me there anyway. They even have the blue flashy light advantage to get past traffic neither myself nor public transport could command. That's the most stress free journey to Brighton against my doctors wishes I can think of.
Either way I immediately drop the 10 mg diazepam such that if they arrest me within an hour I will be oblivious to what happens anyway. And because I will have followed my prescription to the letter, I cannot be further punished for taking my medicine as directed for precisely this sort of occasion.
I need to update the website in a few places even though it may only have a few days left. Then I can finally transfer the whole contents of this site into a document form to leave for Teagan in my will. Together with all the evidence backing every claim made in this story. Evidence that would not have existed had I not been taken to court. Priceless convincing evidence that will leave Teagan with no doubt about who did what.
After this is done I have some additional fascinating documents I intend to post since there is nothing to lose by pushing the boat out a little at this late stage of the day. One of them is a shocker. Would you believe I have been entirely within my rights to come and visit Ashington ever since I was convicted? In fact my bail conditions state that I should not leave the postal code of Ashington. I should be in Ashington and never have left. I am also not allowed to contact a certain Tegan Wheelan. I made no typo there, I kid you not. In fact I have been in breach of my bail conditions ever since my 'trial' simply by living in Worthing.
So I have again risked doing what I feel to be the right thing and not following the letter of the law instead. The letter of the law states I should be in and not leave Ashington. I bet when Pip reads this she probably won't believe my claim. So for you Pip, I will post it up. The system won't like it obviously so that's why I have left this little gem this late.
You will not believe the restraint I have had to live with every day with full knowledge and proof of what I just claimed. I should have gone to Ashington with that letter in my hand and gone straight to see Pip in her office because she is the only honest witness I could count on, and then rung the police on myself to resolve the bail condition issue. After all, in Pip's office there would be no chance I could possibly encounter a Tegan Wheelan who doesn't even exist.
Maybe I don't need to invite the extra trouble of posting a court document online. I think my credibility is pretty good given no challenges to the accuracy of anything on this website in over a year. So perhaps I could be trusted to quote the actual bail condition word for word instead? If anyone would like to see the evidence, you can email me or post a message on the site and I will provide it.
So here it is, word for word:
"You must not go more than the whole postal area from Ashington Village West Sussex."
Put your best English teachers on it Pip. How does it read to you? Amazing right? Also History page brought up to date, for those who read this far :-)
26/03/22 18:03
The good thing about having all incentives to stay alive brutally removed with no prospect of mercy, is it takes the fear out of trying to escape completely. With all hopes that tomorrow will be any different eliminated the processes and actions required are even without emotion.
Obviously there is disappointment when one awakes after not expecting to, but even that disappointment is limited in the same way there was no emotion when trying to die. One is no worse off than they were before, and the body is further weakened such that the next attempt might be more successful. And that's a positive thing rather than a disappointment.
I think what has happened is the survival instinct I was battling has resolved in the defeat of this previously assumed unbeatable opponent. This is because with the survival instinct removed it becomes astonishingly clear that dying is far easier than living. The struggle to stay alive is by far the harder path especially if having to miss every moment of my only child's childhood to walk this path is an essential ingredient.
It wasn't a survival instinct that made me awake this morning, it just means my time is not yet done for whatever reason. But with the survival instinct removed the mind knows it's just a question of time. As long as I am never made to face the loss of every moment of Teagan's childhood then I have plenty of time to ensure that I am never made to live with a visual image of that loss for the remainder of my tortured days.
It may be that lack of visual image that finished off my survival instinct. I may never know. I don't know the exact point it was lost but I am very grateful that it has been. Maybe the speed and severity of my eyesight loss to the point where I both can't do much these days and will never see my only child signalled the futility of the survival instinct aims.
I'm also beginning to realise I may have had it backwards over the fight to try and meet my only child. Even if I were shown Teagan right now it would still confirm that I had lost all the earlier moments. Also if I had been shown some glimpses along the way those memories may have given me the strength and will to stay alive.
Teagan herself has had ample chance over the last year to try and make herself heard if she wanted to see her Dad. She appears to have done nothing. It is entirely possible she might never want to see me. Lucy once assured me that would be the case. So the suffering would continue till I died anyway.
By making sure I have zero memories, by making sure there is a burning hole in my mind and soul that could never be filled or comforted, Lucy and her system of darkness have given me all the encouragement to take my own life that can possibly be given. And in this way they are perhaps showing a kind of mercy as this approach would certainly limit the suffering I would have to endure compared with staying alive.
If this is so, if there is this encouragement from the system of darkness for me to end my life and make everyone happy, then why doesn't it make available an easy way to acquire a lethal dose of something? That would show at least a little compassion. It would solve everyone's problems and Teagan would be free to live out the system coveted lies and deceptions she has had to grow up with. I would like to think that this is their motivation for I always try to see the best in people where I can.
But by making it hard for me to acquire such things I have to conclude that it is old fashioned malice that drives their actions instead. Both paths lead to the same result in the end. As with many things, pushed too far they can go full circle and become the opposite of what was intended. I see that clearly now. A foolish thing to do to a human being with nothing to live for.
25/03/22 22:33
Dearest Teagan, I hope we can get to meet one day in a better place. One without malice. A place of love and compassion for basic human values. I am so sorry that I gave you a life in the worst period of human history yet. I tried but my best could do nothing to change it. Even my love for you turned out to be a criminal offence that will cost me life and any chance for you to meet you Dad. If I had only been a Dad that didn't care I would have been able to be there for you when you turned sixteen.
But I am not that Dad and simply couldn't cope with being made to miss every moment of your childhood for no reason other than malice. I couldn't breathe the same air and exist in the same space of people capable of doing that to an innocent man for no good reason at all. I hope that you will adapt to such a brutal culture in a way that I simply could not. I will always look over you from a place where the system of darkness can torture me no more. Just close your eyes and think of me and I will be there to help if I possibly can.
I know not the workings of the eternal realm but do know it is a place more suited for my nature and soul. We will meet one day and forever more for that place is eternal. There is just this trial of life that is clearly different things for different people before that time. It definitely wasn't a place for people like for me and my kind. I love you and couldn't live without you. It was as simple as that. X
25/03/22 17:13
Feeling increasingly unwell but that's alright as it dampens the Teagan torture the more sick I get. That detachment from reality when things start going hazy is a much needed effect. There is also acceptance that there is only so much unrelenting agony a human being can take, and it is merciful this is the case. Those who seek immortality simply haven't experienced enough of life to know what it is they were seeking.
No word from probation officers about the difficulty of making it to Brighton for sentencing. Got a doctors letter specifically advising against such a journey which I have given to them. If it looks like I'm not going to make it I will post the letter up on here so others can figure out what happened.
Declining health multiplied by increasing pressure could create the opportunity over the weekend to avoid the whole thing. The only point in continuing the fight is if there is a chance to see my only child. All that awaits is enforcement orders prohibiting that which I badly need, and further punishments for trying to make contact with my only child.
The future is not looking at all inviting right now. I just realized I face a prison sentence with no possibility of parole whatever happens. That's no future. There has to be a better life to lead. This one just needs erasing as soon as possible.
24/03/22 12:23
My instinct to survive seems to have latched on to the positivity of the previous post and I am unable to stop the creative thinking it has inspired. Effective opposition to evil. Reasons to stay alive. Coming together at last. I need to write as much down while my mind is clear and coherent to my inner values once more.
Effective legal revenge. I have two more devastating websites in my mind. One so extraordinary I cannot speak of further. That's the one that came to me when I begged the universe for an answer to the malice showed me while I was holding my first bail conditions. That one must be done in total secrecy.
The other I will briefly outline here. I am able to show with highly simplified concepts that anyone could understand how the pharmaceutical industry conspires with the system of darkness to deny people the medicines that they really need. I can show how the need for profit and keeping sick people as regular customers triumphs over the option to actually cure people. I can show that the cure for the most painful condition a human being can suffer has a cure that is illegal. I can show how the cure is actually specifically contraindicated in the instructions of the income generating symptom manager masquerading as a medicine.
Some may think I'm bluffing. My doctors and even my probation officer know I am not. I was exactly the right person to get cluster headaches from the medical perspective. I was exactly the wrong person to get cluster headaches for the system of darkness and its collaborators. Such is the way the light pervades the darkness, the truth must triumph over the deceptions and lies.
Since I have a death wish anyway it would seem that I am the perfect person to blow the whistle on the criminal institutions that knowingly deny people the cures they so badly need. You might think that a cure or not for cluster headaches is an issue that affects a very small number of people for it is thankfully extremely rare. And you would be right.
However there's a link between the rare cluster headaches and the much more common migraine that is impossible to deny. It is simply this. All the treatments for cluster headaches, few as they are, are all even better for migraines, which are much more common. Therefore that which cures cluster headaches has to cure migraines too, otherwise that link could no longer apply.
Lets be clear that a cure for a debilitating condition has to be an acceptable medical application to any system of reason and honesty. Therefore such a medicine could no longer tolerably exist on a schedule that has a defining property that states no acceptable medical use. The true target of such a website is now implied.
This would be an appropriate response should I have this website taken from me next week. I need to have a plan for this eventuality. I have learned from this my first website that making websites containing truthful information are incredibly risky ventures likely to lead to a criminal record. Now I don't regret leaving web development till so late in life. I had much more to lose if I tried making websites when I was younger. Now there is nothing to lose.
Interestingly, the knowledge that I have to back both the new website ideas would also act as a kind of insurance if I ever got sent to prison. Undesirable though that would be, it would present a unique opportunity in itself. They say that prison turns one time offenders into hardened criminals. That prisons act as some kind of schooling in criminal ways. Well, in such an environment I would definitely be one of the teachers only too happy to pass on knowledge of unfathomable value to the cause.
That still wouldn't make prison a holiday, but it would have devastating effect on the system of darkness. They would have to keep me in solitary confinement to avoid that. Which would be indistinguishable from this housing association cell anyway. Yeah. I'm not for changing my ways, I will fight evil till my dying breath, it could not be any other way. You have no punishments to make me anyone other than who I am meant to be.
24/03/22 10:58
I have gained some insight this morning on why my mind is becoming so fragmented and unrecognisable. There is an internal conflict between my true nature and the need to adapt and survive. I cannot be who I am not and yet I am forced to change to be able to survive. Challenging the survival instinct as I have makes it react strongly and uncontrollably.
My basic values of truth, reason, moderation and treating people well have crashed headlong into a system of darkness valuing lies, deception, extremism and treating people as trivial economic units to be kept as child-like and controllable as possible. There is no denying I have the opposite values to the culture I am trapped in.
Even if I could invert my values to be compatible with the system of darkness that would leave me completely unable to distinguish right from wrong and I could not live with the consequences of such a life. I know that I could not be at peace with myself if I adapted in this way.
A quick glance at the ways of the opposition prove that I could not be happy with inverting my values. Look at what's happening in Ashington. A little girl through no fault of her own is being denied over half her family just because of one woman's malice. All those close to Teagan have to reinforce the mother's lies or become part of the blackout themselves.
What happens when Teagan asks someone honest like Pip why everyone is hiding her Dad away from her? What about her teachers and her school friends? Must they too lie and deceive to continue to be allowed contact with her? What will the honest people say if she never gets to see her Dad because he was killed off by malice while all around her knew what was happening and did nothing? What happens when Teagan finds out the truth of what happened to her Dad just before she is expected to start working and paying taxes into the system that killed her Dad? All to protect a single woman's malice? It's astonishing really. It's a brutal demonstration of the barbarity of the system of darkness.
But most of all I want to pass my values onto Teagan so that she may at least have the choice whether she wants to live a life of truth and decency instead of the values she is currently being raised with. And to that end I have succeeded in some way even though I may never get to meet her. The story as told by this website with all the documented proofs it has triggered will be hers in full one day. Nothing can stop that now.
And even more importantly she will know that her excluded Dad always loved her and missed her every day as this diary over the last year has shown. She will see what the malice of one woman and all those who supported her did to her Dad for not being able to comply with the system of malice. I think any decent parent would want their child to know all those things for sure. I cannot be the opposite of that either.
I cannot adapt to those ways. I have paid the price for following the path of decency and honesty already and it's far too late in the day to change my ways. I just have to accept that I will be in eternal confrontation with the system of darkness for the rest of my days. A short while ago that system looked impregnable and immortal, Now however it's looking like it is driving itself over the cliff. Half the world has decided it doesn't like the look of the system of darkness either and its reign looks set to come to an end.
The effective opposing I need to do to get revenge for what has been done to me is being done by others on my behalf with no rational link back to myself. This is the window of opportunity I must try to seize in order to have any chance of staying sane and alive which is otherwise impossible to achieve. I hope I can keep my mind on and then build on this possibility.
23/03/22 17:43
That last post was meant to go out yesterday. A surprise moment of compassion from my Doctor totally threw me and I didn't want to risk not getting the prescription I badly needed. I'm now honour bound not to misuse a privilege because that's just how I am. Trust me and I wont abuse that trust. Distrust me, and I will disobey you. I'm predictable like that. It's maybe my major weakness. So that's complicated things a little.
I have tried going out to get the needed daylight last few days. I have written several posts for this diary, none of which are suitable for publication here. The torture I have been put through by Lucy and her system of darkness has left me unrecognisable to myself. I can feel my physical health draining away. I feel sick to be alive. I don't want to live in a world that legally enforces such malice and with zero compassion for the most basic of human values.
I think I need to ring the Doctors again tomorrow to ask for counselling. Such things must exist for those who have been subjected to major trauma. At least I know mental health is a major tranquiliser and cluster headache dead end offering zero counselling so that is the one path to avoid at any cost.
I feel confident now that my body or spirit could not take another eight years of this torture as the forces of darkness intend. Feeling pretty weak as I write this. One way or another the suffering is going to end soon. I'm amazed I made it this far on reflection.
23/03/22 17:22
I find myself looking forward to sentencing in just over a week. Finally I will have closure on the reality of the situation and have all the proof I need to show Teagan why her Dad wasn't allowed to be there for her.
One of the only things that has kept me going since this terrible situation has been brought to the attention of those who could make the difference, was the glimmer of hope that someone human or something with compassion or even mercy might intervene. To be sure that is not the case I need the injunction in my hand so I can finish Teagan's story of what happened.
Once I have that injunction all such ridiculous hopes are lost and with the resulting certainty of never being allowed to see my only child, then escape from this living hell becomes the only rational option. There will be no need to face another Teagan birthday nightmare again. The injunction will be an insurance against that terrible possibility and in that way it will become a precious document to me. I would give anything to never have to suffer another Teagan birthday horror show.
Maybe I should be thankful to the system of darkness for making death my only reasonable choice. By making sure I could never escape the rent trap however hard I worked it helped guarantee I would have nothing to grow old for when the time came. By making sure I missed every day of my only child's childhood it gave me no motivation to suffer the decline of old age.
So when it punishes me one more time it will at least be the very last time as it will have taken everything from me that gave life any positive meaning. To want to punish a man who has already been tortured to the limit says more about the system of darkness than it does about my efforts to make contact with my only child.
I can't help but wonder what it would feel like to be even more punished than I already am. I think whatever it is, I hope it makes me feel worse than I already feel, for then death will become so enticing, so welcoming, so merciful, as to be unavoidable. And of course final closure on any hopes that decent people exist.
So just one more week of suffering to find out if there is any chance of a miracle to make life worth living. One more week to find out if I am trapped in a culture utterly devoid of mercy and intent only on torturing me until my dying breath. Just one more week of this malice until death sentence. Just one more week to get my insurance policy against the Teagan birthday nightmare. Then at last she will have all the evidence and proof she will need to figure out what really happened.
19/03/22 11:08
Over the last few months I realise that a human being has no escape whatsoever from being subjected to major injustice. There is no distraction from it. I have never known anything like this before. The injustice must be resolved or I must perish while trying to do so.
There is no escape from the rational conclusion that what has been done to me is indeed major injustice. For absolutely no reason I have been made to miss every moment of my only child's childhood. Something not denied major criminals serving life sentences for the worst crimes ever committed.
And then for trying to notify my little girl who her Dad is I have had the police and their witnesses conspire to lie and set me up. I have had my defence solicitors interfered with such that they withheld critical evidence to my defence back from me until the evening before the court case, giving me no chance to use the material as is my human and legal right to do so.
Upon attending court the next day after sacking my obviously compromised solicitors I asked for an adjournment to be able to provide my defence statements and call my witnesses as is my right. This was denied and I had no chance to present any of my prepared defence. I was then found guilty of an offence who's very name is undefined and therefore impossible to prove the negative of, and so impossible to defend against. A wildcard. A crime of thought. The people making the decision as to whether my behaviour was unusual were not even allowed to know the circumstances of what happened.
I am not allowed to discuss my court case, but a court case is not the same thing as a kangeroo circus and there are no restrictions on such animal performances. A court case is something of due process and uses language with agreed meanings taught in the schools of the same country as the courts operate in. That never occurred.
How can all that injustice be lived with quietly? I see now why I have had to react as I have. I have had no other choice. It is only because others appear to have acted on my behalf that I have not been forced to directly act myself. From a lifetime of no real clash with the law to a terribly perilous situation from which there is no easy escape.
The part that has made the last few weeks so difficult is that the summed effect of the sequence of injustices outlined above have left my mind utterly fragmented. A mind as far from being able to write a computer program as I have ever been before. I have been forced to live intensely in the moment with no distraction to turn the injustice around. Calling upon all forces and all things to help me in my fight against this unliveable injustice. Calling in any favours for those forces I may have served in the past. As the injustices added up their effects started to multiply and so did my need for revenge against them.
Somehow so far by way of miracle after miracle I have been able to hold back from acting decisively to resolve the injustice. I am able to write this piece only because I sense that for the first time the fragmented mind is now coming back together in some way. This has to happen for me to find distraction from the injustice and to be able to write programs again, with new and deeper motivations I can be fairly sure of.
As I look up and see what has happened in the world, the state of humanity, the damage being done to the system of darkness that has wronged me so terribly badly, I realise the true cost of injustice to the human spirit and perhaps venture too.
I have been in a fairly unique position past few weeks. While I have never blindly swallowed the brochure version of reality, I had no idea how deeply the system of darkness had become so extremist. Somehow amidst lecturing the public that extremism is bad combined with sweeping powers gained in the name of Covid, the system started to reveal it's own ultra extremist position.
The way the legal system butchered the English language to make me a criminal by removing both the defining constraints of a word to make it impossible to defend against and denied me any chance of defending myself, and then the way it behaved shattering any illusions of fair trials and other such brochure fluff.
And then the exact same arrogance and extremism from the same powers towards another sovereign country with one of the largest stashes of nuclear weapons on the planet. Only this time the victim can fight back and undermine the powerful extremists and perhaps begin the necessary reversal of the extremists grip on power and terrifying weapons and ideologies with no thought of a future for even their own children to inherit or even grow up safely.
The defining phrase we have had to endure as the extremists took away any remaining human rights we may have had, is the immortally cheesy 'must not complain as we are all in it together' when so very clearly we were not. Now however things are much more all in it together than ever before, are they not?
Yeah. Resolving injustice should be done with some style to help defragment the mind. Making the suffering an 'all in it together' flavour was utterly appropriate no matter which way it was looked at. I have earned the chance to put the pieces back together so that I may function through choice of actions rather than the absolute demand of the primary need to resolve injustice at any cost.
17/03/22 09:09
A short while ago I promised that in return for making me miss every moment of my only child's childhood that the system of darkness would pay a terrible price. Since that moment your world has plunged into chaos as promised. It is costing you millions per day as I assured it would. I promised the damage would be irreversible and mounting daily just as your malice does to me. I never ever break my promises.
Unknown to those who avail themselves exclusively to state controlled TV, the decisive move ensuring this price is paid in full has already happened. The arrogant self righteousness of the system of darkness has now forced China's hand. A new defensive alliance against the unrelenting aggression of right wing extremism has been born.
The arrogant system of darkness without energy and without manufacturing and without raw materials has isolated itself from the system of light that has all these things. The economies of the system of darkness are driven by offices and institutions that produce nothing at all and exist only to exert influence over those who do produce things. They are all about to become utterly worthless.
All the system of darkness will be left with of any value will be its coveted house prices. Valued in currencies that will shortly be worth nothing at all. The system of darkness will be forced to choose between the humility of losing its unjust dominance or be wiped off the face of the planet by mechanism of arrogance and nuclear conflict.
Either way it's evil rule and chances of world domination stealing Dad's off their children is over. May the world's future children if there is to be one, be ruled by powers that value the importance of family and community. Humanity has a chance only when the rule of darkness and blackouts has been destroyed.
Malice may be painful for those on the end of it, but its a force so dark and so damaging that it can so easily blow up in the faces of those who enforce it. May this always be so for there to be any future for the children of tomorrow and beyond. As for those who have wronged myself and Teagan, your pain is about to begin and it will be as unrelenting as your malice has been towards me.
16/03/22 16:59
I am not sure what I am allowed to post and what not these days, but something wonderful happened today and I feel this diary needs a positive post almost as desperately as I needed something good to happen.
Early this morning I had my probation interview. I just met the very first light in what I have previously referred to as the system of darkness. Which include those who support the blackout of Teagan's Dad and those seeking to make me miss every moment of my only child's childhood. I just met the first real human being I have encountered since this website was launched. I have just had the first counselling session of any value over this whole nightmare experience. I have just regained a little faith in humanity where prior to this morning there was none.
My probation officer was actually interested in the circumstances that led to my 'offence' and listened to the whole story and accepted the evidence supporting my claims! My 'defence' solicitor refused to do this, the police refused to do this, the court of course, refused to do this. I am as amazed as I am deeply grateful to the decent human being I had the chance to share my pain with today.
As I write this I am breaking up in tears, and the mind fragmenting some more but I have to get this positive development down. I was so sure any sense of humanity had disappeared from this culture of darkness entirely. I gained such a level of trust I was able to reveal the true extent of the horrors I faced when that brutal woman knowingly tried to finish me off.
Now at least someone official has the proof and knowledge of what has been done to me, my family, and worst of all my poor little girl and only child to whom this website is dedicated. That is everything to me right now, and I must end this post before I break apart completely, for today has to be seen, felt, and remembered as a good day. The only good day since Teagan found that little sign a year and a day ago.15/03/22 14:29
It would appear that it is simply not my time to go just yet. Perhaps because a corner may have been turned in the form of two important developments in the fight for Teagan to know her Dad.
Today marks exactly one year since this website first went live and therefore also the anniversary of when Teagan found out she had a Dad that would do anything to make contact with her. This day will always be one to celebrate in the way that Teagan's birthday probably should be if I lived in a world where children's best interests came first. Happy first birthday Teagan's website xXx.
The most important development is the seemingly trivial change of venue for my probation meeting tomorrow. It was to be a phone call interview which would deny me the opportunity to prove my circumstances leading to my necessary actions. It will now be face to face and I have all the proof to prove the otherwise unbelievable circumstances that resulted in the creation and publication of this website.
The proof that the courts refused to look at or consider will all now get to be used. I sense this meeting is more important than the court case which only a guilty verdict could have made possible. This is the meat of my personal sacrifice for the benefit of my only child. I would do the same thing again in an instant to this end.
My van just sailed through it's MOT too. So that's three good developments. But this pales by comparison to the achievements made for the benefit of my little girl. Whatever it takes I will see her soon. And be assured that the world will get worse and worse until the day Teagan is allowed to meet her Dad.
You have my absolute word and total conviction on that. It is very important that we all suffer together as I lose each irreplaceable day of my only child's childhood. I'm told that it's all in children's best interests and I do not believe what I am told and will not allow it to be true either. No matter what the cost. No price is too high to pay.
07/03/22 16:11
It was the absolute need to make me miss every moment of my only child's childhood for NO REASON that made life impossible to continue. There is only one way out of this otherwise unstoppable nightmare. No human being can be expected to survive merciless daily torture for years on end without a glimmer of hope to hang on to. I hope humanity gets what it deserves.
07/03/22 11:19
My life sentence of malice for no reason is almost over. There are two upcoming events I cannot face as I am already stretched to the limit of suffering that its possible to endure. My sentencing is due on 30th March at Brighton Magistrates court. I have medical evidence proving I cant go to Brighton for official negative and or aggressive appointments . But all my evidence has been refused. If I cant guarantee to find a parking space for my van in a town that is super aggressive to outsiders with vehicles then I stand to go to prison. I have tried calling the court this morning but after waiting as long as I could stand I had to hang up.
Furthermore the only way to punish me more than missing every moment of my only child's childhood from ten miles away for no reason, is prison or forced major tranquiliser to destroy me as a human being. Neither of those are acceptable so I must be gone before this day. There has to be a human right to escape limit case brutality and torture.
Next Wednesday I am due a phone call from the Probation Service to establish the circumstances surrounding my 'offence'. I need a face to face meeting to be able to provide proof of those circumstances. I tried today to phone them but despite clearly being within their stated business hours, I just get a message saying they are closed. It is now obvious the Probation Service isn't interested in proof either, and will use the phone call mechanism to make my claims look like a mental health problem rather than facts.
An opportunity to find freedom from torture has presented itself in the form of a mouth infection I cannot beat. I have been doing my best to fight it off for the past two weeks but I have been unable to do so. I don't have the will left to fight it off, the more physical pressure to die the better. It is weakening me more each day and being a facial infection it should spread to my brain quite soon. This weakening should make it much easier to escape the malice.
I was hanging out for a possible lifeline from the Probation Service but I now realise that was a foolish and impossible hope. They are there to act in partnership with the courts to inflict as much further punishment on me as they can. Both the possible punishments I face are worse than death. The existing punishment I'm already serving is worse than death. I haven't got any reasonable choices left. Congratulations to all those who wanted to ensure Teagan never met her Dad. Your moment of satisfaction has arrived.
06/03/22 13:22
I had made another post for this morning, but I pulled it as it risked the system of darkness punishing me further. Only one person got to see it luckily. I have to remember that each time I reveal how much their relentless torture affects me, they respond by trying to make things even worse for me. That is the nature of the limit case malicious torturer and something I need to remember every time I make a post.
Suffice to say I have woken up assured that the system of darkness will not get to serve their full sentence of malice on me. I have perfected the means to escape as soon as I feel the unavoidable need to do so, and so each day of unrelenting torture from here on is purely optional and at my discretion alone. This is comforting and takes away one of the most terrifying aspects of living a life of torture with no hope for mercy. Which is not knowing how many days have to be suffered with only death as the escape. That's a crushing fear when relevant and dominant for the situation,
One good consequence of recent events is clear evidence that humanity has made the choice to commit to the irreversible path of self annihilation. All the critical ingredients of right wing extremism and supremacist arrogance are in the cauldron to ensure the inevitable consequences. The suffering caused by these consequences has already started and will only get worse up till the end. There is nothing further I could do to speed things up nor alter the course of where things are going.
So all that remains is to get my affairs in order and do what I can to make sure the world is in as bad a state as possible before I leave. The getting my affairs in order is the hardest thing. I have to prepare so many documents for Teagan which is the most painful task that I can imagine. So much so that escaping the malice with this task unfinished has now become an allowable option. This would mean my duty to my daughter had not been completed, but since I know nothing about her, it could even be the case that she doesn't deserve the truth of what happened to her Dad.
Maybe she doesn't deserve to inherit my stuff either. No-one saw fit to show she deserved to have a Dad like me, so they all probably know something I don't know. Whatever their reasons it remains the case that all Teagan caused me was agony and pain and the need to die as soon as I reasonably could. My only child never gave me anything to smile about. I had no idea children were such fatal mistakes. Given the destruction she caused to my soul and life, it seems unavoidably apparent that creating Teagan was my greatest mistake. A mistake I must pay the ultimate price for.
05/03/22 16:21
Slightly worrying dilemma I find myself in today. There seems to be just two system of darkness options I have to choose from in order to live a peaceful remainder of my life. The first is to simply accept that I will never see my only child and live out the remainder of my days being tortured till my last breath. While wearing a smile. Without reacting negatively in any way to the unrelenting torture. I know I can't do that.
The other option is to accept a major tranquiliser that will selectively disable both my spirit and my drive and make me a fat unmoving vegetable. That's not an option with any quality of life either. The worrying realisation is that death is preferable to either of the system friendly options. It's also the only way to avoid further punishments given my inability to not react or smile about the torture being done to me.
I think being pressured to accept one of these two unacceptable options is in fact an encouragement for me to take my own life. It would solve everyone's problems after all. It's the only option I have which ends the torture which I really can't take anymore. I have been severely irreversibly damaged by eight years of it now, and there is no way I can do the other eight years required of me.
It's not even the case that should I have been able to endure another eight years that at last all I had lost would suddenly be given back to me. All that awaits after sixteen years of relentless torture is confirmation I missed and lost forever every moment of my only child's childhood. A nightmare day that I must never see at any cost. No incentive to serve that sentence whatsoever. I have a duty to myself not to face such a day.
It shames me to be any part of the human race and know that my spirit can never align or adapt to such an unfathomably malicious culture. There are no longer any tomorrows worth looking forward to under such merciless conditions. And now I can see that there will likely be no futures for anyone else either, the chance to get away from the sentence of malice early gets ever more appealing.
Much better to die free and escape the evil grasp of those who would prefer to see me suffer till my dying breath without any chance of ever seeing my only child. I need to escape that grasp while I still can.
04/03/22 11:50
Just had the letter indicating electric prices going up by over 50% for everyone. Effective from the day after I am sentenced for daring to reach out and notify my only child who her Dad is, and why he isn't allowed to be there for her. How perfectly timed.
With such a hike in energy it is clear that for single parent 'families' on benefits things are about to get a lot tougher than they already were. Meaning such positions are most definitely not in the children's best interest. Such an energy bill increase could be mitigated if the other parent were allowed to see and contribute to his child's well being.
The system of darkness policy towards children seems to be to remove the Dad and all the advantages he brings, then stitch up the children and their future by economically destroying the single Mum's capacity to raise the child on her own. Such are the ways of malice without bounds I guess.
The bills are about to get much worse, this is only the beginning. Things will get worse every day from here, just as the loss of every day of my only child's childhood gets worse every day. Are you beginning to notice the compound effects yet? How far can things go before change is forced by unknown mechanism? Only one way to find out it would appear.
04/03/22 10:09
Just renewed the web hosting for another year. I was considering suspending it till after sentencing, but the SSL certificate auto-renewed and represents 25% of hosting costs. Furthermore to this day there has been no indication there is anything wrong with this site nor has it received a single complaint through any of the non-extremist mechanisms that normal people would be expected to follow. The extremists who don't like the site haven't requested I take it down nor given any indication they intend to do so.
But most of all I will spare no expense over my daughter Teagan. I would rather the money be going directly to enriching her life but the forces of darkness require that I spend it in other ways. So the cost of running the site for a year is around £200. Good value for all that it has achieved and indeed worth every penny for making Teagan aware she has a Dad who loves her.
Information warfare is becoming quite the flavour of the moment is it not? Banning free speech here, banning voices there, the cracks in the state of the world are really opening up right now aren't they? What could have caused such a thing just as everything looked so rosy and with house prices at their highest level ever? How could God's most loyal and decent people deserve such wrath and evaporation of all their futures?
Maybe things weren't quite as rosy as they seemed? Maybe great evil was masquerading as goodness and light through force of arrogance? Perhaps a mistaken sense of superiority by one culture over another? From a position of abject ignorance. What checks and balances do we have on our assumed righteousness?
My heart and mind is full of painful memory and I have no future either. Therefore it has become comforting to know that there will be no future for others too. Now would be a bad time to be attached to children. Watching as unrelenting malice destroys all their futures. There is only today that we can be sure of.
It comforts me at this time to know that the 3000 day sentence of malice the system of darkness wants me to serve is not a possible outcome from here. There will be nowhere near that many days regardless of what happens. That is one of the few comforts I have gained from all that has happened and will happen.
There is even a glimmer of hope that Teagan's next birthday might be survivable. The only way this most difficult of days could be survivable is if major economic damage be inflicted on the system of darkness to the tune of millions of pounds for every day lost of my only child's childhood. That is now looking assured. In fact by Teagan's next birthday the economic repercussions of what has already happened will be in full effect.
Nothing can change these effects in the same way that nothing can bring back the lost days of the majority of my only child's childhood. There are only the scraps to play for now, as it is for everyone else too now. And if the malice continues and even the scraps are denied, then it will get worse for everyone else from here on too. It's just the way of things.
Now that the pain I am made to endure every day is being shared around a little, maybe I can turn my focus and energies to some kind of constructive distraction. I couldn't do it with the malice stream being so focussed and forceful that it just pinned me against a wall of pain. Now that it is being deflected and shared I don't feel its disabling focus so much. This I needed to achieve to have any hope of surviving this limit case torture and violation of the most fundamental human right imaginable.
03/03/22 09:17
Ever since I was first told that I was not allowed to see Teagan as it wasn't in her best interest, it has been my sworn duty and most fundamental life purpose to make sure this terrible reason was no longer true. If indeed it ever was. All I knew is that changes had to be made. I guess now is as good a time as any to reflect on how things panned out.
For the last two years all young children's childhoods have been severely damaged due to Covid restrictions on human rights. Teagan has been more adversely affected than most, given that she has been cut off from over half her family. Reducing her allowable social contact to a handful of people.
And now just as Covid completes it's effect, we now face war and all the economic hardship that can be expected of such endeavours. It's not looking like much of a childhood to me. I'm not believing that making me miss every moment of my only child's childhood is in Teagan's best interest.
I would far rather be devoting my time and resources and energies for nurturing my only child. What an amazing thing it would have been to have a Dad who had all of his time and all of his resources devoted to his only child? What amazing LED lighting effects I could have made for her and other children to enjoy everywhere. What great technological advantage Teagan would have had from the strong academic and practical influence of her Dad and his skills.
How does a person cope with being told that losing his child is in the child's best interest? With no reason given? What might I reasonably be expected to do while each irrecoverable day drains away? Smile about it? Go contribute to the economy that would do such a thing to a person? Sit on a sofa and watch TV all day? What was I expected to do?
You forced me to the table of malice where you previously sat alone. And I find that there are many more toys to play with up here, at the same level as yourselves. We have a map in front of us and a history of shame that has led us to this point have we not? There are other colours and other pieces on the map we did not have before right? What if this colour joined that side? What if this toy was used by that colour? Would sanctions still make sense there? All very distracting from children's best interest isn't it?
Take your time in doing the decent thing and letting me see my only child even if only for a moment to end this terrible torture and the curse that would appear to go with it. Each day lost causes irreversible effect as you can see. Take all the time you need.
02/03/22 08:41
It's make or break for any realistic opposition to the absolute domination of the extreme right wing empires of evil. Russia has already been punished to the maximum extent possible, leaving them nothing to lose by upping the ante. On Putin's shoulders rests a massive responsibility to change the direction of the human story. Will it be house prices and child stealing all the way or is there another human value to aspire to? History will remember the outcome of this opportunity for change for generations to come.
Russia cannot play for time, she has been given no opportunity to do so. Time is against Russia, therefore any chance for victory must come from a speedy and strong resolution to this first major military threat from the forces of the extreme right since World War Two. Everyone has seen the Ukrainian Nazi battalions marching and attacking civilians with the full support of the EU, US and UK. It is clear to the world that the lessons from 70 years ago have not been learned and a reminder of the dangers of such regimes is now required.
Dig deep Russia, now more than any time previously you need to show some teeth. You will lose respect from your opponents otherwise. Once you lose respect they will cease thinking of you as human beings and atrocities will be committed against you and your people for decades to come. You must show you will not tolerate aggression from outsiders in all their deceptive forms. The only way the empire of evil will show respect is if you show decisiveness and strength in the face of adversity.
It's also the only way I will ever have a chance to see my little girl Teagan while she is still a child. Act decisively now or face the prospect of a future without a Russia, for a weak Russia cannot survive in the face of empowered evil determined to destroy it.
28/02/22 08:18
There's nothing quite like a high pressure crisis to quickly dispense with the illusions of decency is there? Intoxicated by their totalitarian powers gained at a frightening pace using the Covid opportunity to erase human rights completely, they are now making terminal mistake after mistake.
Flying under the banner of rule of law and democracy they are now illegally seizing property of civilians without due process and banning alternate information sources to the state TV channels. The very definition of dictatorship exposed for all to see! Exercised by those without the authority to perform such actions, and those who were never elected by the people their decisions affect. Without mandate from the people they claim to represent they now illegally send military aid to right wing extremists such as themselves. In just a few days the EU has exposed its true nature in such a way that the UK decision to leave has now been proven to have been the right decision.
The UK independent of the EU has declared sending of military aid and support for anyone who wants to go to the Ukraine to fight using UK supplied weapons. That is in essence direct military intervention through alternate language despite Russia's sincere warning not to interfere in the operation. Economic sanctions are an act of war by another name. The justification for Russia to defend herself by all means necessary is now live and applicable.
It should be fairly easy for Russia to target and destroy the promised EU weapon deliveries. Russia has the all important air superiority and there are limited options for moving significant amounts of military hardware by land. Movements that will easily be spotted from satellites. The perfect ambush scenario. It was a good move yesterday for Russia to target the warehouses crammed full of NATO supplied weapons.
Sanctions take time to have their effect. If the sanctioning players are quickly destroyed then the delayed sanction effects sum to zero. Immediate economic damage trumps delayed economic damage every time. Russia has been forced into a situation where she must win quickly. To do so requires committing all available resources. The sanctions themselves make nuclear conflict a rational tactical choice. Either destroy your opponent now or suffer the consequences of it's threats later. Something not understood by those whose eyes are blinded with arrogance
The expulsion from the banking system is the self destruct that the dominant western financial powers needed to press for there to be a lasting shift in the balance of power. Now all that is required is for China to step up to the plate and a new alternate financial power will be created. China has already expressed the view that the West should not have used Ukraine to directly threaten and provoke Russia on her own border.
Such a shift in the balance of power could not be tolerated by the arrogant supremacist West. The stage is perfectly set for escalation to the point where I might get a chance to see my only child very soon. Just a few costly mistakes more and the chance will be there. I would rather focus my mind on the well being of my child but the system of darkness wont allow it, and the malice with which I am treated forces me to seek other interests instead. Which I am doing to the best of my ability as you can see.
Adaptation can be a terrible thing to ask of someone deprived of the most fundamental of human rights. It's better to die with honour than live as a broken slave. There's no quality of life to make obedience worth it. I will never comply with the orders of the system of darkness. May your cruelty on others without reason or justification finally blow up in your faces.
Anyone remember the holding page just before this website was launched? That which promised that the light will end the darkness? The light that ends the darkness each day rises in the East. The light that ends the system of darkness also rises in the East. That time is almost upon us now. The end of malice is in sight at last.
27/02/22 09:31
There's nothing quite like a war to take one's mind away from caring for children and whether they have a future or not is there? Is it possible that those who suggest that humanity should adapt to limit case cruelty do not understand the meaning of the word and it's implications? I will keep adapting as required by the system of darkness only for as long as it requests me to do so.
If the system of darkness could change it's mind and decide that I cannot reasonably adapt to this limit case torture and allowed me to see my little girl then there would be no imperative requiring me to continually adapt. It's hardly asking for a helicopter to South America or a large transaction to a Swiss bank account is it?
The ultimate distraction from caring for children and their futures is full thermonuclear conflict. That is the ultimate adaptation possible. The end of malice, the end of torture, the end of everyone's human right to see and know their children! Change my mind while there is still time.
26/02/22 10:31
I have been pondering over two questions this morning. When will I start being able to function again so that the world of positive distractions is opened back up to me? And what would it have taken to have avoided the path I have been forced to take? Somehow I think the answer to both is linked in some way I don't see yet.
Just one act of mercy or kindness from the system of darkness would have answered the second question. Someone official to recognise that what has been done to me is a terrible breach of human rights and that steps will be taken to stop the endless torture. Possibly even a counsellor, who might perhaps recognise that what has been done to me is too extreme to simply distract from. Someone to tell me that the fragmented state of my mind was unavoidable in the circumstances and that constructive additive support was immediately available.
Instead I have just been tortured and punished further for making contact with my only child. And all reasons and as much information as possible withheld leaving me having to conclude it's just for pure malice. Which then fragments the mind such that it has to react and is unable to distract itself with reasonable constructive activities. There's the link between the two questions.
Only now the malice stream has been effectively deflected is it even possible for me to ask the former question. As such I should not expect to find the answer quickly. It is proof of adaptation strategy that I am able to ask the question at all, and so it was indeed the foundation I desperately needed to build some kind of a recovery on.
The world descending into chaos will serve me well as it helps to counter the instincts to protect the life support system and the drive to build a better world for all the children's future. If there is no future then children become meaningless, and then it becomes possible for me to try and build a reality where children play no part. Just as the system of darkness requires of me so that I commit no further offences trying to fulfil my most basic of human instincts.
The positive here is there is no need to rush into distractions. It is a miracle I have earned the chance to even consider such coping activities. I must be content with that for today and maybe a few days more. Maybe I should just mindlessly drive around for a few days. The sun will do me good, and driving is an automatic distraction as it intrinsically draws the focus from less immediate concerns.
I just don't have any goals or destinations at the moment. From a life of being goal directed. I have never known such moments. Being distracted isn't all good though. I have spent much of my life finding one distraction after another to avoid realities I cannot cope with. Maybe I need to find a way to embrace the lack of distractions, a way to live in the moment that is bearable at least. That might be the better goal than finding another new or existing distraction.
25/02/22 10:32
I see now that it was a critical adaption to deal with the malice shown me by the system of darkness. No light at the end of any tunnel could be found without this foundation in place. I see it more simply now. There is an unrelenting stream of limit case malice focussed on me. There are only two choices if the malice cannot be prevented or avoided. Absorb the damage myself or deflect it back at the source.
Any kind of system friendly coping mechanism would have failed. Absorbing it myself would get me sectioned or dead. I had no choice but to find a way to deflect this terrible negative energy. The reasoning may be simple, but the reality has been a nightmare, as is often the case with the cheerful optimistic outlooks offered by those who have no clue what they are saying.
I look around today and sense that a great deal of the malice shown me has been deflected. Or if malice could be seen as a currency that I had been forced to save then I have spent a good deal of it where it was needed most. The fact that I don't have to maintain the deflections is crucial to allow me the chance to try and rediscover and rebuild the gentle and positive me. If such a return is even possible.
I have had eight years of pain and agony that I had fully absorbed. Now I have given a significant chunk back. This was the chance I had to escape the terrible trap I was caught in. A trap whose minimum price for escaping would be a criminal record. A trap whose maximum price was the limit case price that can be paid.
I don't have enough yet to deal with Teagan's next birthday, but that is some time away, providing me with ample time to cause as much damage as necessary to balance the malice account. The economic impact of a huge spike in energy and fuel prices should do the rest and that one is already in motion. The important thing is I have done enough damage (plus the critical daily cumulative interest) to steady the ship today. And that's a greater achievement than it seems for I have this eight years of cumulative damage that I have had to absorb myself.
I am not out of the woods yet, but with the world crashing towards chaos, it is comforting to know that others are being made to suffer for what has been done to me. I called on the universe to give me an answer. I called on the universe to give me some assistance. I have been given both, thus showing me there are friendly forces out there, just not in human form.
My time as a human being is running out fast so it is especially reassuring to find that I will be appreciated where it matters most. Just not here on malice world where my purpose appears to be to grow exponentially rather than live a simple happy life. I could never have grown in spirit and ability like I have if I hadn't been pushed to the limit of human endurance.
The world can take care of itself today. I now need to spend some time and energy on taking care of myself. The adaptations were essential. I have to gain confidence from identifying the right priority problem to solve first. My freedom and even life may have depended on this. One day Teagan will be amazed at the cost of making her Dad miss every moment of her childhood. It will show her just how much she meant to me.
24/02/22 06:45
Russia makes her move and the game is on. Fantastic. What you going to do forces of darkness? Cut off your own gas supply? Looking for a thermonuclear confrontation? A little light to end the darkness? That would do wonders for the house prices. The world badly needed this shift in the balance of power.
Imagine if the dark forces of illusionary democracy and christianity spread across the whole world taking Dads off children everywhere they went? Afghanistan wasn't interested and neither are the new technological powers.
I would so much have preferred for my energies to have been focussed on caring for my only child. But system of darkness you chose the ways of malice. I gave every chance to show some basic humanity but you chose malice at every step. Now you must face the consequences for your evil ways.
Ever since the system of darkness showed their hand it's been one expensive storm after another hasn't it? Water in the cracks freezing. Malice without end. What you do to one you do to everyone sharing the same field. Your arrogance blinds you and makes you predictable. You reap what you sow.
Ah the system of darkness is falling for the time tested sanctions trick. An act of war with the same consequences as any other, but with a thin veil of civilian illusion to trick citizens of multiple nations into unwittingly joining the war. The perfect stepping stone from a local to a world wide conflict.
The kindling has been lit, the stage has been set, the significant moves have already been made. The chance to throw the world into chaos is now in range. My only chance to see Teagan while she is still a child. My only chance is to get the police so distracted by other things that they are left unable to enforce their malice on me. I must work hard in the field today, much is at stake, escalation is the only way forward.
Notice how what is happening is of the same flavour shown to me? The suffering caused is indiscriminate. What has been done cannot be undone. Each day the effect compounds. It is relentless without a days break. Welcome to the world you have forced on me! If I cannot see a moment of my only child's childhood for no reason, then neither should anyone else for the same reasons. May the scorching of the earth be total and without mercy.
Was there not a children's story that might appear to fit with current events? Something to do with calling upon the compass directions to deal with a wicked witch from the North? The storms have blown in from the West. Now the chill wind of change blows from the East. The system of darkness, the empire of malice lies right in the centre of the storms.
The petrol prices are going up. Go forth Britons and sabotage your own fuel supply once more with your greed. Let's take this to the limit one more time!
22/02/22 17:43
The hardest part in all this is never having been given a reason why I must miss every moment of my only child's childhood from ten miles away. I have begged for a reason from everyone concerned and still no reason given. Leaving me having to conclude its purely out of malice. By a system of darkness I never deserved such treatment from. How can one possibly contribute to a system that would do that to a person for no reason?
What I cant get my head around is someone who is serving life imprisonment for the most serious of crimes still has rights to see his children occasionally. Even though a stated objective of the punishment of prison is denial of seeing children grow. And such a person has more rights than me? And worse has been done to me, with no reason given. How could anyone cope with that?
How does one adapt to that? How does one find the will to live in an inescapable state endorsed torture that has no end other than my last breath? How would anyone reading cope with that? How would you react to being given a piece of paper formalizing this malice for no reason?
It's a hard choice. Adapt to become a person beyond recognition even to the self or simply take the 'easy' way out? The torture is inescapable and every day without fail after all. Why hang around for that? There's nothing like being deprived of even a single sight of your only child for no reason, for destroying any semblance of belonging. I don't belong here. I don't deserve this.
Since it is now clear that the system does indeed have this unquenchable thirst for malice against me, it can only be a matter of time before they come to torture me again. So the right thing to do, given the evidence I have, is to get away from this hellish incarnation before they come to torture me more. This material body seems somewhat cursed. Since what has been done to me has been done for no reason, why would they need reason to torture me again? Surely their return is just a question of time?
No evidence nor sign of mercy. Evidence only to the contrary. Calls for help have reached a dead end. I do not want to adapt to this situation. The adapting could only buy a little time without changing anything to Teagan's advantage. It seems absurd to me that should I survive long enough to ever see Teagan, that it will be this terribly adapted version of me, the total opposite of the Dad writing up till now. The dying version of me, the real me, is much better for Teagan to know. But I am told I have to adapt. To all this malice. Terrifying. I have some tough decisions to make.
I think I deserve a reason now that I have been made a criminal for reaching out to make contact with my only child. If I can have the reason, then it would so help me in trying to adapt. I think the lack of reason could be the decisive factor affecting how this malice ends. If there is still no reason by the time the injunction is served, that will almost certainly force one exit strategy or another.
A person can't live with being bashed around in this extreme manner for no reason. Such malice forces an extreme reaction. You have to understand this. Adapting to punishment without reason is not something to aspire to. There are no reasonable adaptations. They are all terrifying. You have my word on that.
21/02/22 11:25
After a weekend of mostly quiet contemplation I have reached a surprisingly refreshed and workable new perspective. A perspective I once had but was lost in the major injustices that followed. If instead of being justifiably angry at all that has happened and all that has been lost I could find a new perspective, then a survivable route ahead might be revealed.
What if we imagine an alternative scenario where I approached the system of darkness with a request, after already losing every day of my only child's childhood for seven years. A request that could not make up for all that I had lost, but to cover the one thing I really care about. And that request was to provide me with the proof that I would do anything to see and support my only child. Proof I didn't have because of the devastating nature of an unblown blackout. Proof that I desperately needed once I realised I wouldn't live long enough to ever see her.
Without that proof Teagan would most likely believe the lies she has been told that her Dad did not care for her. Then she would live her entire life feeling like she wasn't wanted or loved by her Dad, and that in some way this must have been her fault. And now I have the proof that this is not the case so she will not have to live with the consequences of the terrible lies she has been told.
It could be conceptualized that due to being so careful to not commit any crimes or to cause unnecessary alarm or distress, that the forces of darkness were then required to lie and fabricate evidence against me in order to get me this proof that I needed. It is I who made things difficult by being so restrained. If I had been more clumsy then the forces of darkness would not have needed to lie to get me the proof I needed.
The major consequence of the forces of darkness actions against me was to give me every bit of proof I needed in a blackout situation where I otherwise had none. Even the full names of all the major players and their own detailed statements of their roles. Thus guaranteeing my little girl will know the truth one day without having to believe or have doubts that her Dad loved her. I would have paid any price for that, and whatever price I do pay will be worth every penny.
So despite the wrong doing of false allegations and provable police falsification of evidence, there is no need for me to follow these crimes up fuelled by a thirst for justice and retribution. The lies are so evident that a child could spot them. And most importantly of all, a child will spot them. My child Teagan. She will see who lied and who didn't because it's all been made so beautifully clear.
There's even more. The greatest gift a parent can pass onto it's child is great wisdom to prepare for life in a hostile and deceptive environment. Many of the things I can now show Teagan with proof have taken a life time to fully understand. Teagan will see the truth of what happened with all its implications just as she starts her adult life. Truth that without proof can so easily be dismissed especially when told by those with supposed mental health labels. This is priceless beyond belief and a great privilege to be holding in my hand.
Teagan will see that my love for her and my inability to sit and do nothing resulted in a criminal offence where previously I had none. She will see how I had to adapt and cope with the injustice of being made to miss every moment of her childhood and the terrible cost to others this malice has caused. She will see the evidence that to love her and care for her is a crime. She will see proof of how the brutal suppression of this love for her was enforced through threat of violence if her Dad even tried to see her.
A year ago I was in a terrible state and nothing to show for it. Now I am in a no worse state apart from the effects of another year of torture but now I have everything to show for it. I have official recognition I am Teagan's Dad. Half the family court battle has been won and the other half is now possibly winnable where it certainly wasn't before.
While this way of looking at things is rational and constructive it does not fully mitigate the terrible suffering and punishment I have endured and continue to do so. That's why I needed an answer. But I now see that the answer I was given and have now used is actually the coping mechanism I needed to live with what has been done and continues to be done to me.
This means I have made my own justice and therefore found a liveable solution. I do not need to be angry and guided by that which has already been lost and cannot be recovered. I must accept that loss and use it as justification for actioning the coping mechanism I was given. That is revenge against the system of darkness enough.
Now that I am feeling calmer I must prepare the story for Teagan. While I have been suffering terribly at the injustice shown me recently I have been utterly unable to claim the prize or even see it clearly. The contents of this website has now served the full purpose it was possible to serve. This content combined with all the documents produced by the legal action against me with all its lies and fabrications intact, provides the complete story for Teagan I never believed I would get, with proof of everything I have claimed and said. This is the great prize that one serving the sentence of a blackout could never have imagined claiming. The prize I could not claim while tied up in knots of pain and injustice.
This great prize once claimed means that this website in it's current form is no longer necessary as it has achieved the effects and proofs that it asked for. This realization means I can act ahead of my sentencing to reduce the effects of system malice and possibly to appear to show some kind of remorse I otherwise could not possibly show.
Once sentenced all the proofs are set in stone, proofs that could and probably would have been lost if I were found not guilty. That's why I could not appeal or risk being found not guilty.
I will still hold this domain name and it's significant aliases and the website can return at any moment in a different format with a much lowered content given the proofs already acquired of many of the claims made. A much more child friendly format too, now that the difficult information has been up and broadcast to all who matter for the best part of a year.
The hosting for this website is paid yearly, and I will shortly have to pay for another year. A few weeks after this payment I could find myself ordered to take it down as terms of the injunction coming my way. It would be smarter and more satisfying to take it down myself without giving the enemy any satisfaction of exercising power over me. It takes the wind out of their sails. It would also show that I had outsmarted them, since to take it down willingly in advance means I must believe it achieved it's purpose, and so by the time they could get the legal authority to stop me, I had already achieved all I needed to achieve. And therefore won that battle too.
Things are looking and feeling a lot calmer now. I had forgotten some of the intentions I had with the actions surrounding this website. I was completely blind to my successes. I will shortly be decorated by the system in its final act of providing me with proof I would do anything for my child. Proof that loving and caring for Teagan turned out to be a criminal offence. Proof that her Dad was not as others will say, but one who saw through the illusions of decency and smashed these illusions and the blackout of her loving Dad in one devastating precision strike.
I have a lot to be proud of over the results of my actions, my 'course of conduct' over the past year. From nothing at all to all the proof I need, tricked out of a system of malice and used this understanding of the malice to get all the information I needed to expose it.
I was never asked what was meant by my wizard title, despite it often coming up in the evidence against me. Who else could have blown a seven year blackout out of the water, given a little girl proof she was loved instead of the lies she has been told, and exposed a system of darkness for what it truly is, all in just a few carefully thought out actions? And all in just one day. I trust the magic can be seen for what it is and requires no further explanation.
To get a blackout Mum to willingly confess to reliable witnesses that I am the Dad where previously she had kept my identity hidden? You don't get to see magic more impressive than that even in the fairy tale books. I trust that the question of why others refer to me as the wizard has been answered in full.
20/02/22 12:03
Yesterday was the right day to try connecting with the field. Or meditating if you prefer. There is a shift in the balance of power taking place. There has never been a better opportunity to divert humanity from it's current course, and change it must, for what should be fairly obvious reasons.
The concern on cyber threats in the news today reveals a sense of vulnerability in the system of darkness. From a position of sheer arrogance to one of questionable doubt amidst the reality of a changing world. I would expect the Russians to have committed heavily to investing in its computer experts rather than making enemies of them.
I would estimate the Russians have at least ten times our cyber warfare capability. That term cyber, distracting and unnecessary isn't it? The reality is this is information warfare, intelligence, counter measures, high tech solutions, those factors which would decide the outcome of a major conflict.
Versus the empire that sacrifices its computer experts in favour of malicious Mum's without any qualifications? Nothing like a bit of natural selection at times of significant change in the balance of power right? Mum's who favour cursing the next generation by being anti-technology and confining themselves and their children to just the official citizen information sources on their TV network. And blacking out everything else.
Russia and China have embraced technology much more than the house price focussed empires. Technology is need to solve the problems humanity face. It is time for that change to value technology and those who pioneer and specialize in it.
If change resists too much we might even get ourselves a thermo-nuclear encounter. The ultimate scorched earth. The one outcome where all my failures in life are redeemed. The one outcome where even being made to miss every moment of my only child's childhood would become utterly irrelevant. The end of house price cultures on earth. The end of malice itself.
19/02/22 10:21
Seems the storm did around half a billion of damage. That's a good start. Now might be a good time for Russia to make her move? That would do wonders for the house prices. I sense the malice regime might be about to take a bit of a beating. Any conflict with Russia would create severe energy problems which would wreak havoc on the economy of darkness.
It's good to feel the forces of the universe coming to my aid. I reached out for human help, I reached out for mercy, I begged for forgiveness and the chance to experience just a single memory of my only child to grow old with. I was brutally denied on all fronts. That is what Christianity and its followers do in reality. The exact opposite of their shallow words. Anything has got to be better than this as the balance of power shifts all around us.
I wonder what today might bring? I'm going to meditate shortly best I can. Not at all experienced in such things, but I'm feeling the call. I sense some friends out there in the field. I need to connect with them to share my pain and to try to heal. I need to identify the next crack in the concrete looking for a bit of water to give life to the cause. There is no need to go looking if the solutions will come to me in the wind.
18/02/22 20:37
I seem to have passed the test and am safely home. Oh well still more work to do then. Am definitely feeling more stable now. Any Dad's out there looking for solutions, I may have stumbled on the template coping mechanism for such an extreme deprivation of a basic human right. You have to answer like with like in a maintenance free manner. The universe will answer your call for help in such matters but just be ready for unexpected results. After all, by this point anything you could expect couldn't possibly work because you will already have tried it.
It's not great, I would rather be living a very different life, but extreme conditions and injustice can push a man to maximize his abilities in unimaginable ways. There's no growth in the comfort zone after all, and after a certain length of life, there is nothing to lose by throwing off the restraints.
18/02/22 12:13
I wonder if the wrath of the Gods could be on me? Destiny has it that I am about to go out in a car in these highest of winds. It appears to be myself who must face the storm this day. Destiny is as destiny does, no man should assume authority of truth and righteousness in any matter, and that includes me as much as anyone.
This journey is not of my choosing, but a good friend insists on walking her dog and I can't let her face the storm by herself. So providing she actually makes it here the journey is on. This moment of unknowing, this moment before fate, these are the moments a life must have.
If this is my last message, then we know one of whom the storm had come for. Nature in the end always reclaims her own, it is just a matter of time and function that we must endure and impart. I will face the storm with open arms, what will be will be. Enjoy your day everyone!
17/02/22 21:16
It would seem that a little rough weather is incoming. What sort of culture might have evoked the wrath of the Gods? Might it be them? Could it be us? Brace yourselves if it might be you. What form might a wizard's revenge take in such times? It's all so exciting when things are taken to the absolute limit isn't it?
Can you taste the oxygen rich chilled air? Delicious isn't it. The taste of the calm before the storm. Each should be appreciated in it's own way. One can only exist as a result of the other. A bit like a child can only exist as a result of having a Mum and a Dad. A reality that seems to have been forgotten in a culture of darkness. This is why reminders can be necessary.
At last I feel equipped for the malice laying in wait ahead of me. I have adapted. What a wonderful twist in this tale. I was an innocent man with no reason to deny every moment of my only child's childhood. Now I have become the reason. I have to pay the price so I may as well earn the stripes. I would never have done what I have and will continue to do had I not been so unjustly treated.
I couldn't take the pain all by myself. I have invited others to share some of it with me. I have made sure others will suffer as I have suffered. I recall that during Covid times we were reminded about all being in it together. Well it seems that we have arrived back at this same place only for entirely different reasons.
The cost to the system of darkness to keep Teagan deceived for just a couple of years more will be astonishing. You have my word on that. She will be amazed at how much damage had to be caused in her name. She will see how far the world would go just to stop her having the chance to know her Dad. Her heart will burn with the same fire as mine. She will show her appreciation for what you all tried to claim was in her best interest. In her own special way. You can count on it.
17/02/22 13:07
A song for you system of darkness, appreciate every note and every word. This might be my choice for my final song. It might be 'sweet child of mine'. What a wonderful thing it is to still have choices remaining.
17/02/22 12:19
I understand better now the situation I have to fully adapt to. There is no realistic chance I will survive long enough to serve the sentence of the system of darkness. That means the stark bottom line is simply the answer to the question of whether I see Teagan before I die or I don't. This is the only real choice regarding my daughter that I have left. When the day comes where that choice has to be made there can reasonably be only one outcome.
The key to delaying this inevitable moment as long as possible was to find the counter answer to the malice that I believe I now have. The malice returned must be of similar form and dynamic as to that received. The critical elements have to be understood. Making a parent miss every moment of his only child's childhood for no good reason is a form of malice that causes irreversible damage. It must be entirely legal with no means to counter it's damaging effect.
But by far the most defining element is the compound nature of it's effect, in that every day it causes exponentially more damage. It can be switched off in an instant, but the damage done cannot be reversed nor mitigated. And the late switching off after the majority of the damage has been done should have little compensating effect.
That was the bit I had to get right. On this second day after I held the mirror-ball up against the malice shown to me, I can be reasonably sure that what I did has caused a little damage already. I chose mirror-ball over mirror for good reason. My return fire is indiscriminate for maximum malicious effect. A consequence of not being allowed to return my compliments directly to those involved and because no-one came to my aid as a human being in desperate need pleading for mercy where there was none to be found.
And that just enough to keep me together today. Tomorrow the effect of my single action will be quadrupled in it's effect. Tomorrow can now be looked forward to like it could not before. And as soon as I feel the need to drop some more water in the crack in the concrete I will do so, without anyone noticing I had done it. Maybe I will add new drops at each point where the system of darkness hurts me with additional malicious action added to that which I automatically have to endure.
It is so important my answer was of this form. I don't have to do anything to maintain the effect. Just as is done to me. If I did have to constantly maintain the answer then it will tend to be self poisoning and so failing as a form of revenge and just adding to the one-way torture that total loss of my only child obviously is. Just like this website for example. I am the only one this website tortures but I do it so that my only child will see how much she mattered to me.
It is only because my answer has met this critical criteria that I have a chance to steady this ship. I can openly declare I had no chance of holding on to this life of pure malice against me for no reason unless I had found an answer that embraced this critical element. This is what adaptation looks like.
As my life moves into it's final phase I realise there can be no happy endings for me. I have a terrible curse and a terrible destiny that I must meet. With little time to suffer further consequences, and even less of such time each day, there is clearly a role that can be played out here. If I can't have a life then I may as well play out my forced role like an actor in a movie best I can. Put on a good show. Play it with style points.
When viewed like that then there is a kind of life story that has been lived. The story of what has happened just over the last ten years or so of my life will make a fascinating read. A story far better than any drama I ever saw on the TV or ever read in a book. That can't be bad for someone born into a world where there was no chance of ever gaining independent housing or ever having the chance to raise a child.
And with no home nor retirement to look forward too, the misery of growing old will never need to be a part of my story. This story could only ever end in a moment of drama in keeping with and with the twist that would be expected of such a life experience. That total lack of need or opportunity to grow old is one of the few good factors from my perspective of the experience I have had to endure.
Only the prospect of being able to cause more damage by staying alive is keeping me alive right now. The only thing that can keep me from making my final choice. What a strange thing it is to cause so much malice while claiming it's all in a child's best interest. But what a good thing it is to have adapted sufficiently to sit at the same table as those I need to face head on till my dying breath.
I realise now the depth of the truth that the outcome of the human story will not be dependent on anything it had to say, but entirely on how it acted. The words are of no more significance than the sound of the wind rushing through the trees. Although the sound of the wind rushing through the trees was infinitely more pleasant to listen to than anything the evolved malicious malignant monkey species ever had to say.
16/02/22 16:12
Yesterday got interesting a few hours after my last post. In keeping with my honest and open disclosure policy I feel compelled to share some details of what happened.
When I contacted probation early yesterday morning I was in a terrible state. I had the night before for the first time since the court case had a good night's sleep without chemical aid. So it was an unexpected surprise when my soul just crashed and broke in such a short period of time after waking up.
It was so bad that after crying out for help I found myself going back to bed to try and disconnect by trying for even more sleep. Now going for a nap might seem a perfectly ordinary thing for a man of my age to do when the going gets too tough to face. But due to the medical condition whose most shocking side effect is cluster headaches that my brain is still repairing from, I lost the ability to simply have a nap in the day completely.
For the last two years running, come mid September as the levels of light are falling fast my brain suddenly becomes totally locked to the light cycles of the months to come. I have to manage the colour temperature of light when indoors to match this critical timing as the day lengths ever shorten.
As each day gets dark my brain slows in perfect synchronization with the lowering of light. The end effect is that by eight or nine at night I am utterly exhausted and have no option but to sleep. And sleep well I will till four of five am. There is no chance for me to have a late social evening with friends.
Now since the underlying cause of cluster headaches was a total inability to sleep this extreme counter reaction is actually reasonably welcome. The cheerful saying 'tomorrow is another day' no longer applies when the gift of sleep is lost.
But all is not well while awake when the brain is in this extreme dominant light sync state. For no reason other than these symptoms are the precursor for a potential cluster headache attack. A condition for which there is no accepted cure and I am right out on my own in finding my way out of this maze of terror.
Once I figured out the light sync cause and the astonishing timing nature of the whole cluster headache condition I was able to predict this year that on or around the winter solstice when the days stop getting shorter (or darker earlier to me) that my sensitivity to light levels and timings and bad side effects would improve in a noticeable manner.
I was right. It seemed a major change at the time, but it was much less now I have discovered a new measure. I lost a lot of the anxiety and my tolerance to the light level inaccuracies improved, and even this small movement for such a terrifying condition is greatly appreciated. But I was still tied to the exact timings of day light and still had to change my lightbulbs every day without fail at the right times.
That brings us back to yesterday. When my soul broke again over the agony of the malice being shown to me by making me miss every moment of my only child's childhood from ten miles away, I got a natural release of something which astonished me. I have heard that the body can produce powerful medicines at times of great need but I have never been impressed by the strength of any of these natural drugs.
That view changed in that moment. An extraordinary spiritual pain killer that washed an extremely tortured suffering version of me away and made me sleepy in the day! I drifted off for a few hours so now I had a full nights sleep plus an extra previously impossible nap!
I was still shaky in some ways but something was changing that I was unaware of while I waited for the return call of help promised by the probation officer I had phoned a few hours earlier. The help that never came during the day as the pieces came back together as indicated by my last post.
As it got dark I noticed I wasn't auto tiring. I had been struggling with the auto tiring light sync since the court case destabilized me anyway, but this was entirely different. The anxiety that went with the light timing was gone. It was dark, I wasn't auto tired, and most of all I wasn't anxious that was the case. So much so that for the first since the middle of last September I was able to go out with some friends and enjoy a light evening life.
My ability to communicate well, especially given the usual dulling of night time, led me to quickly I realise this was a much bigger switch than that of the winter solstice. I have lost the hard and constraining light sync repair phase for this year. I predict I will be fine again in these regards until mid September to come. I am under no illusions the damage caused by major circadian rhythm disruption will take years to completely fix.
This led to me staying out and staying sharp till around ten at night for the first day in months. On my return home to my surprise I found two Police officers outside where I live who were looking for me. They were the response to my call for help that morning. More than twelve hours after I was broken and crying for help. After all that had changed. After the pieces had largely come back. After a lifetime of changes had taken place. How very fortunate that the system can be so slow at times.
I was not in trouble and they were well meaning although totally uninformed as to my circumstances. This was shown by the female officer suggesting that if I am patient for ten years I can see Teagan when she is grown up. Not the best thing to say to me. They came with what I expected when crying out for help, which is to try and shoehorn me into a mental health 'solution'.
Help is just a word. The measure of help is if it adds to your situation of loss. If instead it takes away from that which you scarcely have then it is not help at all. The template here is the cheerfully sinister "we can't or won't do anything about the cause of your pain, but we can reduce your sensitivity to it".
And they do this by disabling two of the most fundamental brain receptors that define us as human beings. Firstly the 5HT2A receptor which is your spirit receptor, that which makes you an individual, that which makes you deviate from some kind of insidious notion of 'normal'. Disabling that receptor turns you into an unfeeling vegetable. Then the second receptor they go for is your Dopamine receptor. That which gives you drive and ambition to do things and to function. Spiritual and functional lobotomy. That what system help looks like beyond that which they would say on the brochure. Not to be recommended.
Now while these pleasant appearing police officers were talking reasonably with me, they were also filming me without my consent, although given their powers, without requiring my consent. And so what I had to say and the form I would be in to say it was of critical importance unknown to me at the time.
After a few minutes of questions and answers the police left and I was able to continue to enjoy being awake and alive in the evening. I chatted with a friend who has been supporting me at critical times since the court case. That's when the filming was figured out and the implications of what was said and who would see it was discussed.
As the evening went on there was still no auto tiring and no anxiety about this or the events of the day either. I knew that this would be a late night but not one to worry about, I hadn't lost the gift of sleep even though the early auto sleep was gone.
As things got late I realised something critically important had happened. Curious circumstances I cannot discuss had led almost invisibly to a kind of adaption to the reality of the system I live in. The terrible dynamic is that the torture enacted on me of making me miss every day of my only child's childhood is almost impossible to return in kind against those who enforce the malice against me. The only way to adapt to this is to return fire effectively. To give unto others as has been given unto me. Revenge of a kind, if you will.
But how to legally and without trace get revenge for being made to miss every moment of your only child's childhood? It is almost an impossible ask. And yet it is absolutely essential in adapting to situations of extreme unrelenting cruelty and malice such that I face. I either find a way and survive or perish under insufferable injustice.
The careful reader will recall that I was given a great gift of revenge from the great field while reading the bail conditions that officially denied me the right to contact my only child for no reason other than malice. One that I have been waiting to deploy the moment I lose this website or if I have not seen Teagan before her next birthday. But holding this in reserve and showing great restraint under extreme conditions has not done my ability to cope any good at all. On the other hand, releasing such a thing in a rash and uncontrolled manner would have been a costly mistake. I only realised this late last night and just in time as things turned out.
To illustrate what happened next it is informative to visualize the current conflict as a kind of naval encounter of old. With this in mind I find myself in control of a sole battleship up against a vastly superior fleet and therefore hopelessly outgunned. There are those who may suggest that I fired the opening salvo when I launched this website. The terrible truth is that really it was a self inflicted secondary magazine explosion triggered by my own shortcomings of being a human being who cares more for his only child than his own safety. Leaving my ship crippled and under frantic damage control efforts as the forces of darkness closed into firing range without a shot being fired.
I have been pounded without reply ever since. I had no firing solutions and was too busy dealing with damage control to fight back. All I had was a my special gift which does not at all translate into the naval metaphor. I have to be clear here, what I have is not a weapon of any kind, it is a thought experiment comprising only of pure information. Information not written anywhere, nor even visible on tracing my internet or other information activities. It exists only in my mind. exactly where it will remain.
But late last night after taking direct hit after direct hit, with even glancing blows being terribly painful, last night I found a way to fire a salvo back such that it would not be seen. It was brilliant. The enemy never even saw the muzzle flash nor even sighted where the metaphorical projectile landed nor what it directly hit.
The metaphor is just that for you cannot fire any kind of salvo at the system of darkness that it could identify as such for obvious reasons. An alternative metaphor serves us much better than the fictional naval encounter given above. A system of darkness, one that seeks to destroy the human spirit rather than embrace it, can be viewed as a huge lump of concrete but with many cracks. Some small and seemingly insignificant, some gaping and obvious weak points of the otherwise incredibly strong structure.
Now as all drivers know, all it takes is for a little water to get into these cracks then come the winter with its freezing effects on trapped water, the ice expands and breaks apart the otherwise unbreakable system. No-one noticed as the water gently trickled into the cracks, the innocent event that led to such inevitable destruction given a little time for the effects to become apparent.
Late last night I poured this water into a vulnerable crack in the system of darkness and so for the first time I have returned fire for the malice shown to me. And it feels good. It makes me feel much more stable. It makes me feel adapted to the situation I face. So although today I will lose another day of my only child's childhood, I at least have the comfort of knowing a direct and undetectable action of mine will result in causing a huge amount of damage to the system of darkness as the seeded information makes it way into the deepest cracks and starts to freeze.
Now we are playing at the same table. While it is true you make me suffer a little more each day, it is now the case that each day my response will cause as much suffering to others as has been shown to me and for exactly the same reasons, for I have learned and adapted to play in the garden of malice you force me to engage in.>/p>
Now this morning upon reflection the burning anger of injustice is gone. I am now answering like with like at this very moment, undetectable to anyone or anything. And it feels good. I need to feel good. My malice will cease when your malice ends. And then at some point I will reveal what I did so you can work out the full cost of depriving a human being of access or even a sight of his only child. And on that day the system will realise that this human rights abuse of depriving fathers of their children cannot continue any longer. And on that day my actions and my sacrifices will have helped to change the world for the better.
So in final summary after a very long document the short conclusion is this. I am much more stable than I was. The burning thirst for revenge for the terrible injustice shown me is gone. I am playing at the same table as you are now, for you decide the rules within which I must play the game. I accept that and have made my first real move. Things will go quieter now. I have reached out as loudly as I could without getting myself locked up so that my child can see what happened. Now we are in the phase of giving back as good as I get so that I can tolerate living each day being deprived of my only child for no reason. We all need a sense of justice to continue.
Now you can take as long as you like depriving me of this basic human right. The longer you keep it up the more water gets poured into those cracks. I am answering like with like and that provides the opportunity to function under conditions. If I haven't seen Teagan by her next birthday I will at least know for sure that I have responded in such a way as to make the usual nightmare experience something to celebrate for the first year since she was born. And on this day you will still not know anything of what I have done. It will take years for you to connect the dots, and by then the damage will have been irreversibly done, and I will have published what I did at a time when the consequences could have no further effect on me.
The human race moves forward together or not at all. You reap what you sow. I now feel adapted enough to the system of malice to function as an active participant. And with that comes the real fix for my mental health I so desperately needed. You can keep your 5HT2A and dopamine antagonists, I have a much better solution than inhibition of the human spirit could ever solve. And just in time it would seem.
15/02/22 18:10
Today is another fine example of the value of the internet in exposing the true nature of this culture of illusions of decency. That which is reality but that which would otherwise go unnoticed, and dismissed out of hand as nonsense if only it weren't so demonstrably real.
Today in fear of committing a further crime I phoned the probation service myself in tears and in a desperate state pleading for assistance. I was assured of a phone call back from the probation officer assigned to me and my case. No such call has been returned at the time of writing. This could have been the day I broke and made the dash for Ashington for one glimpse of my only child at any cost for any consequence.
How avoidable could that have been had it happened? How unnoticed would this error have gone? Lucky we have the internet to report the true face of the British system. The true face of what it means to act in the children's best interest. I'm the only one showing restraint and compassion for the interest of my only child. The rest of you are pushing me into an inevitable encounter. Documented and proven every step of the way.
Being new to this criminal game, I was under the impression the probation service's primary objective is to prevent re-offending? Or words to a similar effect? So how would you rate today's performance in meeting their obligations? God bless the internet and all who frequent it for the real news from real people.
15/02/22 09:20
Despite the fighting spirit found among the wreckage that I showed in my last post, I find that I am not feeling any kind of peace or justice in my heart. I have shown great restraint under impossible conditions while the system of darkness continues to torture me relentlessly without even a day of relief or support.
Every day for over eight years I have been tortured by the denial of the most basic of human rights with the full support of the system of darkness that makes such human rights violations possible. It's just getting worse and worse and there is no end in sight.
As such my ability and resolve to not respond in kind is diminishing by the day. This is no quality of life. I simply cannot understand how a person who has done nothing wrong can be legally tortured in this way? Every time I cry out in pain it is I who have committed the criminal offence! And so it's looking like my crimes are just going to get worse and worse and there's nothing I can do to stop them.
From 53 years of easily complying with the law to a situation where I cannot possibly comply and face ever more serious charges that I can do nothing to prevent. Forced into a corner where I either take my own life or face increasing torture till I inevitably snap and end up with life imprisonment.
And no support anywhere. There's no point at all approaching mental health services. The same old line gets spun out. They can't do anything about the situation causing the mental health problem, so can only try to reduce sensitivity to reality by tranquilising the soul into a state worse than death itself. And denial of every moment of my only child's childhood isn't even a mental health condition so cannot possibly work.
I either need to die or to respond in kind. I have an extraordinary answer to the malice shown me given by the great field itself when I cried out in agony at the official confirmation and support of the total blackout of my only child. But even there I have continued to show restraint. Reserving the ultimate answer for if a day of relief has not been shown by the time of Teagan's next birthday.
But I suffer every day. The revenge answer should be out there doing it's damage every day as the damage is done to me every day. I need to start answering like with like. Enough of the restraints by me where there are none by the system of darkness. It's tearing me to pieces with no chance for me to try and recover and stabilize into something acceptable. This current one way dynamic of malice all in my direction has to stop.
I have it the wrong way round. I need to deliver my answer as soon as possible, and only show mercy and c0mpassion when some is shown to me. Otherwise the dynamic will just continue to worsen until I snap. I have to respond. It's the last thing I want to to do but I now realize I have to do it just to stay sane to buy a little more time.
I don't even have to fear the potential consequences of responding in kind. I have no chance of living long enough to serve any lengthy sentence. I have no reason to hope to survive even the current situation let alone one that is certain to get even worse, so I may as well make sure I don't get taken alive.
It's time to respond, I'm dead anyway, so may as well get this endless torture over and done with as soon as I can effectively pull it off. This human existence under such extreme cruelty conditions is worth nothing at all.
13/02/22 16:39
I seem to have found a little peace at last. The events surrounding my court case destabilised me in a way that I could do nothing to counter. They have been so extraordinary that they will all be integrated into what will be a fully illuminating story for Teagan to read one day. I have more material than I could possibly have imagined or hoped for to prepare my only child for the reality of the world she will have to live in. As opposed to the brochure versions, the propaganda, that would otherwise take the best part of a lifetime to decipher.
The hardest part for me over the past two weeks has been accepting the injustice that I have experienced. I am of course unable to discuss what happened there on the open internet. Indeed there is absolutely no need to do so since the important points I am about to discuss have nothing to do with the events of that day, other than the implications of my losing and so gaining my first ever criminal offence.
Something I noticed and documented here on this site many months ago turned out to be spectacularly correct for reasons I could not possibly have known at the time. That observation was the realization that the process of being taken to court and then losing was the best result from the launch of this website I could possibly have hoped for.
The crux of this realization was that my loss would always have been Teagan's gain. The only route for access to my only child as an innocent man is the most brutal and expensive and time and stress costly process that it could possibly be. A process I simply could not reasonably have survived. So if I had won the court case I would have absolutely no chance of ever seeing my only child.
The unintentional but perfectly brilliant consequence of the simple escalation of being taken to court regardless of result was the formal and official recognition of the identity of Teagan's Dad! Without having been taken to court there would be no record whatsoever of who Teagan's Dad is. My primary objective was met right there, regardless of the result of the case.
It is to my shame that this was not planned, I did not believe I had broken any laws and had tried hard to avoid doing so. After all that effort, how embarrassing that my greatest achievement was completely unplanned for and just pure blind luck. That's how things go sometimes. Put in enough effort and we can make our own luck. Or maybe just earn a little when we need it most.
The creating and publishing of this website and my action in promoting it on that glorious spring day on the 15th March 2021, directly led to Teagan's Dad being formally recognised in just one day. A process that would have taken four years through the family court system for a man with no criminal record. My brain, a slice of luck or divine intervention, and my commitment to my only child, totally out performed the official route offered on the propaganda brochure. This is why I could not possibly have been allowed to 'win' in court.
With the primary objective achieved the secondary objective can now be seen on the not too distant horizon, and must now become the new primary objective. That of actually getting to meet Teagan while she is still a child and I am still alive. As a newly labelled criminal there are mechanisms available to help prevent re-offending that are simply not available to innocent men. Mechanisms that had I known previously I would have committed an intentional crime many years ago. And mechanisms that I will not discuss further to protect the best interest of Teagan, my only child, for whom all this effort and sacrifice has been made.
And if what I have been told and my understanding of it broadly correct, then at last I have a reason to try and stay alive. A reason to live that could only have come from putting my all into my love and commitment to my only child. A lifeline that could not have come from following the rules of a system of malice. A lifeline that came from having the courage to stand up against that system of darkness and make sacrifice of myself for the benefit of my only child.
So I accept the result of the unfair trial I was recently subjected too. I accept the incompetence and apparent collusion of my supposed defence solicitor with the enemy. To challenge either of these would risk the verdict being overturned and the result changed so that I could 'win' and thus Teagan would lose and I could not live with the possibility of that happening.
But I am no fool and cannot live with the total injustice of all that has happened and so my fight back is about to begin. Let's kick things off with a statement I have no intention of ever retracting and instead am going to pursue to the bitter end. It's a message to Sussex Police that could be seen as a serious allegation. Oh hell yeah, and I am coming after you with all the evidence required. So here it is.
Sussex Police you deliberately withheld critical material evidence in order to help yourselves and key witnesses fabricate allegations against me. You encouraged and facilitated those witnesses to provide those false allegations. As a direct result of your manipulation of the events of that day, two of the witnesses against me have committed criminal offences in themselves and I am coming after all of you using perfectly legal procedures.
Sussex Police I hereby directly challenge you to answer and investigate my accusations against you. They are of a serious nature after all. The reader may reasonably assume that an unanswered challenge that remains visible on the open internet is as good an admission of guilt as it's possible to get. Sussex Police you are corrupt and not worthy of public confidence. Why do you need to deliberately withhold critical information that is material to the charges you bring against those whom you are supposed to protect and serve? I eagerly await your response.
I have no problem with being decorated as a result of the consequences of my actions, and I hope that you too will all have the grace to accept your decorations as a result of your own criminal actions. I know I can wear mine with pride. I am looking forward to seeing how you will wear yours. Thank you for giving me another reason to stay alive.
06/02/22 15:11
This is a difficult message. This is my very last cry for help. I cannot do this missing of every moment of my only child's childhood anymore. I badly and at any cost necessary need a day off. By making sure each day passes without any sight of her, the pressure on me is getting worse and worse and I cannot guarantee to control my actions much longer.
This is completely unsurvivable and I have so little time left. I have done my very best to forget about my only child and to find ways to make me want to abandon her but I simply can't do it. I need to be killed before something terrible happens. I haven't been given any liveable options and cannot formally reach out for help for the system because I am a male, and male help is just further punishment that I could not take.
Please do not put your loved ones in unnecessary danger. I do not wish to harm anyone and I have no desire to do so, but I have never known anything so desperate as this limit case torture I have to suffer relentlessly every day in a way that is becoming less and less manageable. I am only a human being and I am not equipped to handle the level of malice shown me and my only child.
The innocent human beings whom I wish no harm should know the good intentions with which I share this difficult message. I cannot be more specific, you will have to work out for yourselves what a human who is being made to miss every moment of his only child's childhood is capable of, and protect your loved ones accordingly.
There is no day off from this torture in sight. Tomorrow is not another day worth hoping for. There will be no future admissions of this nature to avoid things getting even worse for me.
04/02/22 17:38
Maybe I have it all wrong. Maybe Teagan isn't my child as Lucy suggests. Maybe Teagan doesn't deserve a Dad like me, and maybe she doesn't deserve one at all.
Her family obviously support this view. The police and even her school will go to any lengths to make sure she doesn't have her Dad. No-one seems to think she should have a Dad like me. Maybe she doesn't even want a Dad herself? She hasn't responded to my pleas. No one has seen fit to notify her of my pleas.
I have significant documentation proving all the people who made sure she didn't have a Dad and their roles in making sure she never got to meet him. She will have all the proof she needs to figure out whether anyone wanted her to have her Dad or not.
She will see how the system of darkness conspired to make sure she never got to meet her Dad while claiming it was acting in her best interest. She will find it very difficult I think to understand how any of this is in her best interest but she will have many years more than I will to figure it all out.
The system of darkness absolutely supports her current limited financial support. It must know that I am two years into a ten year award for full disability benefit and that it runs out the moment Teagan turns sixteen whereby I will be plunged into poverty should I have lived that long.
It could be worse, if I were working the system of darkness would take money off me while still not allowing me to see a single moment of her entire childhood. It is very clear that the system supports Teagan having a childhood comprising of minimum family and financial support. The system has sent me the clear message I should use the temporary income I have for any cause other than Teagan's.
What a strange thing it is to claim to be acting in a child's best interest by severing most of it's family and support and quality of life? I would love to know the list of reasons why such a limited existence with nightmares and mental illness guaranteed for life is in a child's best interest?
All of these penalties just so she remains hidden from her Dad for another two or three years at the most. How unbelievably short sighted. How unbelievably malicious. How utterly disgraceful.
Maybe I deserve a better daughter? One whose very name doesn't cause me crushing pain? One whose birthdays could be a reason to celebrate rather than a good time to die? One for whom there was a least a few good moments shared? The system has made it clear to me that this little girl is going to cause me nothing but trouble and grief.
It may be that my only way to stop suffering is to abandon this child who has caused me nothing but misery and now got me a criminal record too. How can she be mine if all she causes me is pure torment and suffering? Maybe it is I who should be looking at the clear implications of the evidence in front of me? Maybe it's time to stop making sacrifices for this child of nightmares?
02/02/22 16:01
This isn't good. I am starting to experience something I haven't felt since late last year a few days after the phone call that broke me. I can only describe it as a sense of physical nausea at the prospect of living and having to exist and experience.
It's a worrying sensation as the brain seems wired to try to solve nausea in very direct and unconscious ways. Last time this happened the only way out was to learn the languages I needed to write this site. Only fulfilling these tasks could keep this nausea at bay.
This time there doesn't seem to be a task that can nullify this feeling, it feels like there's nothing I can do to make it go away this time. It didn't help to recall the Teagan birthday experience in my last post as this sent my mind spinning into panic mode and it's associated thoughts.
I'm not one to suffer with nausea much for any of the usual reasons but this nausea because of life is something different to any other kind I have known. I wish there was some kind of counselling for people who have been damaged like me, especially when they are still the active target of unrelenting torture such as is the case here.
It must be because this level of malice is the intention and purpose of life in this country and people are just expected to cope and maybe even smile as we are all in it together etc. In order to be able to withstand all that has been done to me, and all that is intended to be served in addition, I badly needed to have been a completely different person.
It is at last clear now that I am nowhere near the kind of Dad that Teagan needs. She needed a Dad who can withstand unlimited amounts of cruelty and malice for her best interest. A Dad who didn't care at all about missing every day of her childhood. A Dad who could let each of her birthdays pass by without even noticing they had happened. A Dad who was as strong as he was uncaring for her to have any chance of meeting him when she is finally allowed to when she is sixteen. I am neither that strong nor that uncaring. I'm not good enough for her. Life isn't good enough for me.
I now have a criminal record for reacting to my torturer and the torture is just ramping up. It can only be a matter of time before I cry out in agony again and face more criminal charges. Trying to endure a torture I know I cannot stand is foolish and will only get me into even worse trouble. I have to be brave enough to make the sacrifice demanded of me by the system of darkness and end this terrible experience of life.
02/02/22 12:14
Just received my new bail instructions. While each bail condition I have previously received has had spelling errors, this new one has both the wrong forename and a completely different surname. There is no way the name given could be taken as being Teagan's. It appears that for the first time in nearly a year my bail conditions against Teagan have finally been dropped.
I'm sure it's just a technicality which won't amount to much, and it doesn't really change the task ahead. Had a few days rest for everything to sink in, and I must now confront my last major commitment to my daughter. And that is the full story of everything that her Dad did to try and make contact.
When the website was first released it contained everything I knew and had kept evidence for. But it was nowhere near enough as so little had actually happened. And of course the nature of a well maintained blackout meant that I had the minimum possible information, and that this would only get worse over time had I not acted.
The blackout can be viewed as a huge dark dam holding back more and more information. Breaching that dam releases the vast resources previously locked behind it in an uncontrollable fashion. That is why a broken blackout like breached dam cannot be repaired, the water cannot be pushed back upstream.
From having virtually no information at all I now have this rich set of accounts and proofs of events to be able to write the story up in full. It's going to be a daunting task, but it will be made easier by the structure with which I organized this site and the lack of need for anymore duplication.
The story will show Teagan that her Dad did everything he could, and how this exposed the true nature of the people and reality of the world she must grow up in. With proofs everywhere so as to leave her in no doubt as to the truth of what happened and to equip her to systematically destroy any fake alternative accounts that she may otherwise be tricked into believing.
Not looking forward to assembling this essential document, but it is my duty as her Dad to make sure she has as much information as I can give her. Especially as this document will likely be all she gets to see of her Dad. Then at last I will have completed my obligation to suffer without end for the best interest of my only child, and earned my right to some peace.
Life is nowhere near as terrifying as it was now closure is in sight. By far the worst possible future was serving the full 3000 day sentence of malice including it's deadly payload of eight more Teagan birthday horror shows. I have earned the right not to serve that sentence, nor any more of it's birthday horrors. I have plenty of time to do what must be done without ever having to suffer that limit case torture again.
01/02/22 13:12
Not at all able to throw my mind into the technical distractions I was hoping to find. But it's strangely ok. My heart or mind or possibly both is pushing me towards writing an email of apology and explanation to the one person who was honest at 3.00pm on Monday 15th March 2021. I doubt that an explanation of my actions would be needed as I know she has already followed the story.
Since it is not my nature to wish anyone any harm I realise I will need to apologize to those caught in the cross fire of my actions. My focus became so constrained to the single objective of making sure Teagan knew who her Dad was and how much he loves her, that I lost sight of the consequences of my actions on others.
It was necessary to ensure the objective was met. I wish the action required had not appeared so drastic. But when one considers that despite all I did, I only just succeeded in the critical objective, it is evident that had I done any less then my objective would have failed. And that would have left Teagan having to believe that her Dad loved her with no real evidence to support this.
Having to believe is not good enough! It's not good enough for me and it's not good enough for her! She must know for sure, she deserves to know for sure, that she has a Dad who will do anything and take anyone on just for her! Without a care in the world for his own safety. And perhaps slightly regretfully, without a care in the world on the effects of other people involved.
I'm not perfect. But I stand by everything I did to make sure that little girl wears a proud smile and has a fire in her heart that will give her confidence for all her years to come. Not many Dad's go to such lengths to make sure their children know they are loved. I know mine didn't. My little girl will not need to know how that feels.
It's beginning to look like I'm writing that email here instead. If that's the case then all that's really missing now is the apology. Hmm, I meant that email to be private and perhaps I will write one more fully soon. But since you are following this story out of a sense of duty to protect Teagan and others, then you deserve some kind of early apology.
So I'm sorry for the impact of my actions on the area around your establishment, and hope that we can speak one day in better times on better subjects, such as the social and academic development of my only child. I have significant academic achievement myself, and as you have seen, a dedication to truth and honesty and light that cannot be questioned. Even in the face of adversity.
I can't wait to find out what Teagan's favourite subjects are. I wonder if she shows any similarities to her Dad? Was it any surprise that her Dad would come to show his dedication to her in the way he did? Only those who know her will know the answers to those questions. Malice means I know nothing, but love, means Teagan will know everything!
01/02/22 10:37
Good morning diary of despair. Something is a little different today. I'm feeling much more slowed down and the blood has cooled significantly. But it's the slow down which is most important.
I have generally been an intense person all my life, it's been part of my basic nature. But since the brutal phone call that made this website both possible and inevitable, things were jacked up to another level entirely. From my perspective it felt like a quadruple intensity and focus. It made for by far the most productive year of my life. But it was not at all comfortable to live with.
And now at last I feel like this insane intensity is leaving me. This is giving me some hope that I may return to be something like the person I recognized before my soul was torn apart by that call. It is much needed for my body could not sustain that level of pressure much longer.
But this loss of intensity does not feel like an acknowledgement of defeat. Strangely it feels the complete opposite. I feel like I have been released from some kind of curse for fulfilling its requirements and demands. I have fulfilled my obligation to my only child to make sacrifice of myself today for the benefit of her entire future.
That intensity needed to be lost because it was a fighting force that didn't know how to stop. Productive it may have been, but it did not allow me a moment of inner peace. What an incredibly strong force the bond between parent and child is in a human being. Nothing else has guided my thoughts and actions to the exclusion of all other factors including my own personal safety.
There must be a reason why the intensity has deserted me other than simply giving me a much needed rest. It feels like in some way I have done enough, and that maybe something good will happen soon. Every fibre of my being tells me no-one will help me end the nightmare and my life experience validates those instincts. But something unknown and unexpected is present in the field.
I don't feel as fluent at writing today as my head is much less sharp than usual. I should probably have waited a while to figure this out before writing but I felt it was important to note this unexpected but welcome change. There is a glimmer of inner peace that I hope I can hold onto as it's badly needed at the moment.
31/01/22 12:16
At this time I fully intended to put the whole story together for Teagan, in order to fulfil my responsibility to her in the likely event I never got to meet her. But I cannot do this while my blood is boiling and the red mist of revenge clouds my judgement. In exactly the same way I could not have developed this site under these same conditions and motivations. Revenge is not an emotion to act on. It's a fuel to gain capability for future use.
I'm going to have to try and distract by forcing myself to extend the LED engine. Or just familiarise myself with the code again as I have had to leave that alone while fighting for my girl. I couldn't write malicious code at this point as emotions and programming don't actually mix at all. Any such tools simply couldn't be effective under the constraints of such a narrow domain of focus.
Am trying to convince myself as I write.... I *do* know how to fuel the energy of the revenge emotion into extraordinary leaps of capability. I have had to do it many times before. The languages learned to create this site are testament to this mechanism. What can I learn using this fuel which will help me by the time the red mist passes?
There has to be a reason for all this. I must distract to cool the blood and see what happens. It must be ok to not know where the distraction might lead. Those things must be down to destiny. I don't have any other choice, its either distract or things will escalate out of control. And if this works I must not be ashamed of whatever the distraction achieves. Because that will also be a matter of destiny over which I had no reasonable control.
That last paragraph made a lot of sense. I am a passenger one way or another now. But I do still have the power to not act in revenge. Or at least not while the blood is boiling. I have learned this before and I have not forgotten.
I just remembered fully why. There is no revenge if one acts while his/her blood is boiling. This is the enemy still winning, the effects of their malice working exactly as intended. To have forgotten that until I just wrote it again shows the magnitude of the effect of what has been done to me. I knew revenge was not something to act on but I had forgotten the main reason why.
Ok so that was good to write down if I'm having trouble remembering the details of life's hard earned lessons. Perhaps it is a good thing I have this space to write down my thoughts and feelings. I mostly see it as a place of self torture as I have explained previously. But at this exact moment it feels like a form of self counselling. Something needed in a world where no help and only malice lie outside.
I think I should stop here. Writing this post has helped me remember that which I most needed at this point. Time to distract and see what falls out just like it did a year ago.
31/01/22 10:46
I think I'm in deep trouble. My blood is boiling with a sense of injustice that I can't cool, and I can't divert the negative energy into doing something constructive which has previously been one of my great strengths. This is in addition to the strange bond between parent and child which controls my every thought. These two things are multiplying and escalating in my mind.
In all my 54 years I have always been able to control my actions and with some effort even my emotions too. I also used to be able to control where I put my thoughts, at least most of the time. Now all these things seem lost to me and it's terrifying. I don't think a human being is equipped to miss every day of his only child's childhood and be persecuted continually for not being able to willingly conform to such cruelty.
I don't like not being able to choose what to think or do with what I have left of this miserable life with no hope for mercy or any kind of humane compassion or treatment. This is the ultimate nightmare from which there seems only one escape. Each day I live there will only be more brutal treatment and cruelty coming my way. I think I'm powerless to stop that too now.
If the only purpose of living is to plan and enact terrible revenge on that which has ruined my life then I don't think it's worth living anymore. I feel I have been deliberately pushed into an inescapable trap. I don't want anyone to be harmed as I have been harmed and I just want an end to this torture that won't stop and gets worse everyday.
Since that limit case malicious phone call I have been irreversibly turned into something I no longer recognize. It would have been better if that phone call had achieved it's objective and finished me off. I see now it is a terrible thing that it failed for all concerned. The right thing to do if it is necessary to make me miss every moment of my only child's childhood for no reason is to kill me out of mercy. Please someone show some mercy before something terrible happens. I'm doing all I can to hold on but the injustice and malice is far too much to handle.
30/01/22 14:09
Need to find some positive thoughts to find reasons to keep on going for a while longer. The major confirmation is lack of need to learn website programming to a high and wide level. This is because no information of real consequence is allowed on the internet. And since 90% of code is concerned with exotic user interface and presentation of information as with all other visual platforms, then only the 10% of actual action code needs to be understood. Which is exactly what I have already.
Once sharing of information on the internet is no longer a reasonable endeavour and even risky to one's freedom, there is another primary function of the internet and it's protocols that is becoming ever more increasingly important. And that is the world of mobile web controllers for remote controlled wireless devices of any kind and complexity. And it is here that my skills all come together with very little left to learn.
This is a huge positive to me as I cannot handle any more major intensive learning programs such as I have had to do over the last year. The other beauty of programs not requiring exotic user interfaces is that they are far simpler and faster to write and debug. Programs running on small microcontrollers in remote devices of all kinds have to be incredibly simple since they do not have the vast resources available when compared to a desktop computer.
In addition remote multiple miniature devices cannot be seized by authorities like an entire PC can. So by eliminating single points of failure and exploiting the resilience of the military protocols that power the internet, there exists a much safer environment to write computer programs that are effective than is possible on the open internet in the current information hiding climate.
And so by way of destiny it seems the basics of web programming I learned to build this site combined with the complex simulation engine at the heart of my LED effect system, I have the means to create rock solid remote devices that can be controlled remotely without leaving any trace on the actual internet.
It's time to move away from the PC and the open internet with its back doors etc for government agencies and move to the world of embedded computers instead which cannot be detected or interfered with by anyone. The PC was always too complex and time consuming to write programs worthy of the resources available. This was always unsatisfying. The smaller devices are easier to maximise effectiveness and are a much more realistic prospect for completing effective projects by a programmer on his own.
It must be through this route that I might find the answer as to how to survive Teagan's next birthday nightmare. If it is to be the same as the other birthdays then I must have achieved significant revenge against the system that would maliciously force this on me. And short achievable projects like these are more likely to keep me distracted from the malicious world I am forced to live in.
At this time of feeling defeated it's good to know that I have emerged from this battle with far more capability than I could ever have imagined, and that's got to be a good thing for my survivability chances. The hardest work is all behind me now. I have everything I need for the world I face today and the foreseeable future. It is the first time in my life that I have all the pieces of the puzzle I need.
Farewell open and free internet, it was good while it lasted, now it is time to go underground, where I may even find a friendly community that I have never previously known. A sense of belonging I so desperately need. For those who wonder why people write viruses and other malicious code, you need only read my story and those of countless others who have suffered terribly for no reason other than being capable people in their fields.
The reader should not be at all surprised that in a world of very few winners, and so many losers, that those few winners will find the earth scorched from beneath their feet as the parting gift from the many that they tormented. Humanity moves forward together or not at all. It should be clear by now which fate we have chosen.
30/01/22 13:09
Something I need to declare openly. Currently and for at least the last week the email account for this site is inaccessible to me. I have been unable to read any emails sent to the email address linked at he bottom of every page of this site. It's probably a sign I will lose the site shortly and not wanting to hasten it's demise I'm not going to enquire to the provider about this fault.
Therefore I cannot be held responsible for failing to follow any instructions that have been sent only to this email address. Any legal bodies involved know of multiple other ways to contact me. Including the message section of this site.
I further declare that not a single email relating to the content of this site was ever sent to this email address throughout the life of this site. This surprises me as much as it may surprise anyone reading. This also means I can promise that no complaint of any form was ever sent to this email up until I lost access to the account. As such trying to resolve this email account issue at this late stage seems a little pointless to me.
30/01/22 03:13
I have this disturbing thought that is keeping me awake. Any fine I get will not affect my ability to afford the things I need, and I have no use for money beyond my fairly basic needs. Any money that I don't need will all be Teagan's when I'm gone. Therefore any fine will really be on Teagan. There is only one way to make sure Teagan doesn't get fined for my actions as well as keeping my promise to myself not to endure another Teagan birthday.
The mental damage from how I have been relentlessly tortured and then made a criminal for my reaction to being relentlessly tortured is overwhelming. I cant help but thinking what has happened is maybe the kindest way to make sure my suffering is short lived.
With all the hopes removed with ever increasing brutal treatment I cannot handle it is clear I have little time left. The more I suffer the more criminal it seems I will become. I have to put a stop to who I am in order to stay out of prison for being me. I cant believe how I went from a person with no criminal record to a criminal with no hope of avoiding ever more punishment from everyone for no reason, for nothing I ever did to anyone.
I don't feel sure I can avoid further criminal acts because I seem to have no idea of what is right and wrong anymore. I think I have become a different person since the brutal phone call and I don't think I like the automatic criminal I seem to have become. I don't think it is safe for me to live any longer than is necessary to get all the information to Teagan ready for when the truth cannot be withheld from her any longer.
Its a scary thing going from a self assurance for 54 years that crimes require a conscious choice to a situation where I just don't know when the police could come crashing through the door just because someone said I did something they didn't like and it didn't matter if they were lying or not. The only defence in this new reality is to not be alive anymore.
I don't like who that phone call changed me into, and I can't find a way back to who I was before that call. And what if there was another call that caused even more permanent damage? The future hold's nothing but fear and I could be sent to prison for any reason anyone makes up as has been done. And I will be automatically guilty and not allowed to defend myself again.
That's too frightening a world to try and stay alive in. I'm so lucky to have found this out before the next Teagan birthday. This has to end soon before I lose my freedom to escape my torturers. I have to act quickly once I have regained some strength. The shorter I live the less crimes I stand to automatically commit. I just want peace not crimes, and I face a future of crime because I'm a Dad which is automatically another criminal offence.
I just want to end the torture a free man after all I have suffered and endured and the only way to do that is to die quickly before any more crimes happen as a consequence of being a Dad. Also I cant take prison on top of all that have suffered already. There's only one way to make sure this doesn't happen. This would also stop people worrying about Teagan's safety.
I know that my inability to withstand another Teagan birthday means any further malicious punishment from the system will never be served and anyway would be inconsequential compared to the greatest nightmare I have ever known. Closure can be a wonderful thing in a world where there is otherwise no end to torture just for the enjoyment of seeing an innocent man suffer for no reason.
There has to exist a place where people don't want me to miss every moment of my only child's childhood for no reason. There has to be, otherwise living cannot be worth suffering. I have to find this place. It has to exist somewhere and I have to find it soon. Before another crime is committed in shadow world without my even knowing it. This place cannot be here in prison torture world. It has to be somewhere else.
28/01/22 18:08
I gave it everything but it wasn't enough. I am not allowed to comment on anything that just happened in court. And there is no need to do so here.
My actions gave Teagan a slight chance of being able to see her Dad while he was still alive. That chance has now gone. She will only know the story of what happened to her Dad on the day she turns eighteen. But at least she will know for sure that she had a Dad who gave it everything for her, but it simply wasn't enough in a culture so dedicated to making sure children don't have their Dads.
Now I have the closure I need there is no need to suffer the 3000 day sentence of malice that now stretches out of sight in front of me. As there is no end to this path there is no point even taking the first steps. It would just be pain with every footstep and I'm sure Teagan wouldn't want that for me.
I hope the world she inherits will be very different to that which I have experienced today, and I wish her the very best of luck for the difficult future she must now face. It's time for me to give up this fight and find a little peace for this brutally tortured soul. Since the torture is legal and enforced there can only be one remaining escape route from it. Everyone has the right to end their personal suffering if no solutions can be found.
If only I were a Dad who didn't care like lots of other men. But there can be no escape from my true nature, and it is clear that being a caring Dad is not a good survival trait. It is at last painfully obvious why there are so many single parent families in this country.
Good luck shadow world, I hope you learn to see the light again one day before it's too late for everyone.
27/01/22 19:55
Well would you believe it. After four months of waiting for the bulk of the evidence against me in order to give me any chance of a defence, they have finally arrived after close of business hours the evening before the court case. Less than 15 hours to go before I am in court with no chance to react to the evidence provided.
This is the true face of the British justice system and it is more disgusting than I could ever have imagined. How can this behaviour be any part of a civilised society, and especially as a part of its system of justice? Teagan will see that I have proof of this and all my previous claims. The proof as a result of the court case is now everywhere.
The good news is that the evidence is too late to use in court for I have not been given the 14 days that the court ordered at my plea hearing. But they will make fascinating reading for Teagan one day. She will see the actions of all the players that are determined to make sure she never meets her Dad for no good reason whatsoever.
Thank you to all of you for your proofs for Teagan to read one day. She will think of you according to how you helped or hindered her right to have her Dad in her life. I'm sure she will be able to come and ask you questions one day should I not be around to answer them for her.
The greatest gem in the new arrivals is proof the Police were present as I suspected at the time of the falsified sighting of me. Now I see how Lucy felt safe enough to send Teagan running to the post box where she found the sign. So how did the police present not stop me and catch me as Lucy and Jim Wieland positively identified me driving right past them in a big white Ford Transit?
Now the full picture emerges and the guilty have shown themselves in full. My police revenge suspicions are now thoroughly validated. Wow, just wow, I can't believe they would stoop this low. No wonder the ANPR data that proves my innocence has been refused! I can't wait for tomorrow now!
No wonder this information was held from me till the very last moment. Now the whole setup makes perfect sense. Now to prove it in court.
26/01/22 12:51
Two days to go, still not a word from my solicitors, and I am having to prepare for the possibility I wont know anything at all until just before I go in court. In other words this presumably 'normal' legal process is designed to leave me in state of maximum fear and unreadiness by applying the maximum pressure possible.
All this denial of information really achieves is lack of faith in those who claim to be helping me. The reality is no-one has helped me throughout this whole ordeal which has not helped my physical or mental health in the slightest.
Dearest Teagan, by the time you get to read this you will see that I am almost out of time. I have given this last year everything I have, but too many powerful people want to make sure you never get to see your Dad. I will get the names of as many as possible for you, so that you can ask them questions when you are older.
As you grow up Teagan you will be told that Dads don't care about their children. What you need to know is that Dads often need to forget about their children because otherwise they would end up in trouble like me. If I did not care about you, then I would not be facing court in two days, and I wouldn't be sad everyday and wanting to die.
I think now that many British Dads don't care because it is essential to their survival under the inescapable British anti-Dad regime. And sadly because I care so much, too much for all the cruelty shown, it would seem that my caring for you so much is likely to cost me my life.
But as my time runs out I must try to remain positive. I knew I couldn't survive Lucy's 3000 day sentence and now there is only two days of the current nightmare left. Even if I lose I am better off than now because I will have closure on false hopes and the clearest sign yet that further suffering would be unnecessary.
It would have been so good to share with you the knowledge of how computers work and how to make amazing things like special LED light effects. I only have a rumour that you like technology and it might not be true. No-one will be truthful about you in order to cause me maximum suffering.
Teagan when you read this you will discover that while you were being taught Christian values at school, many powerful people did their best to lie and deceive you about your Dad. You will notice they all did the opposite of what they taught you to do. This is standard with man-made religions for they are all fake, and are there just to restrict people's spiritual growth so that they remain child-like even as adults, and therefore easy to control and manipulate.
It is important that you understand spiritual growth is essential to a human being and that the future safety of the world depends on this growth. By staying child-like, with the technological capability of destroying all life on our planet, we maximise our chances of self annihilation. Therefore the man-made religions are the direct spiritual path to extinction of all life on Earth.
You will be luckier than most in that you will see the true evil of the dominant man-made religion in this country, as it deliberately kept you deceived while the powers of the day finished off your Dad before you could become old enough to realise what they had done to you. You will wonder how they could teach you truth and honesty at the exact same time they lied to and deceived you about your Dad.
Teagan, always remember the truth can take the pressure of being tested. Lie's require belief to persist. Belief is the suspension of your sense of reason and the suppression of your instinct to ask legitimate questions. To think as you are told to think. To believe what you are told to believe. All the beliefs are fake.
We should either strive to understand, or have the humility to accept that we do not know. Belief is the ultimate form of arrogance, to take a stance on what is true or false without needing to know anything about the subject at hand. Belief leaves no room for humility.
I hope the universe grants us a chance Teagan, but the forces of darkness show no signs of relenting in their pursuit of making sure you never get to meet your Dad. Your chances of ever seeing your Dad are now hanging by the most fragile of threads. No miracles nor meaningful support have arisen.
Its looking like we have no friends. And if this is so, then we will both just have to accept it was meant to be, and I am so sorry that I do not know the reason why.
24/01/22 13:04
Health update just in case. This is strange. Mind is calm as can be hoped for, but body doing odd things. Extremely cold unless in direct contact with radiator and intermittent shaking that is not shivering. Also some chest pains but these are fairly normal from living under such tortured conditions. And another possible way out so I don't see these as a bad thing.
Don't want to go ill at this stage unless it's terminal, so will just keep fighting best I can if this happens. If the universe still has faith left in me, I hope it can find a way to protect me for a few days more. Will update if any serious developments.
24/01/22 12:06
Yesterday had to happen. I had been avoiding the issue of what to do if I lose, but I have to have a survival mechanism in place for this eventuality. Had to get the negatives straightened out to be able to focus on the day of reckoning to come.
The positive of the lose case is that things would be exactly the same as before but with two crucial differences. There will be conclusive proof for Teagan that the only reason her Dad wasn't there is because he was forcibly prevented from doing so. Which is actually a major win.
The other positive of losing is that Teagan will have proof that while she was in a CE primary school being taught the values of truth and honesty, she will have evidence that behind her back the shadow forces of lies and deception were doing all they could to make sure she never got to meet her Dad and for no reason other than malice. Proof of this will be a decisive influence on her future.
In fact Teagan's assurance that her Dad always loved her is and always has been my primary objective. This is why losing was such an attractive option from the start. But there is a secondary objective and that's the chance for Teagan to meet her Dad while he is still alive, which would not be helped by losing.
I have the primary objective either way, but it's the secondary objective that's still there to play for. It's strange but this is the only reason to try and win as I see things. I have no care about clearing my name or fear of criminal record etc, but I do care about justice for my little girl.
The main problem with winning is the lack of proof generated by the system showing how it acted maliciously to stop Teagan ever knowing her Dad, but perhaps I am being too harsh on the system for how it has treated me and my experience of it. Others may find it less hostile. It may not be as dark and sinister as I have experienced and sensed it.
That's another wonderful consequence of my actions and the system response. Now the system itself has to show it's hand and Teagan will be able to see for herself whether her Dad was right about it or not. That's much more convincing than my words alone could ever have been.
I guess we will find out very soon now. I am much calmer than I would have been if winning or losing meant everything to me. As shown by this story, I have already lost the most important battles anyway. It is because I have lost everything that matters already that I am in this no lose situation.
It would seem that the simple act of getting this story to court was the key to generating the large amounts of proof Teagan will need to see to figure out what really happened when she realises what has been taken from her for no good reason.
So with the assurance there is no real lose case I must now shift my focus back to preparing for the day in court. This understanding will help me keep as calm as can be in this terrible predicament.
One last reflection for today. As a direct result of my actions I have gone from facing a 3000 day sentence of unrelenting torture to just four more days of the same. In just five days there will be just two options remaining, neither of which would require serving the full 3000 day sentence of malice imposed on myself and Teagan.
23/01/22 12:17
My thoughts this morning are consumed by the question of what do I do if I lose the court case? I have already considered the implications for Teagan in every way but very little thought as to what I can do for myself has been given.
I knew long ago that losing would mean closure of some kind. It would confirm I would never see my only child. And Teagan will never get to know her Dad. I would pay this terrible price for a short while longer, and Teagan would pay the price for the whole of her life. Therefore Teagan is by far the primary victim of the malice of the forces of darkness.
I also knew that losing was the best option for getting the maximum information and proof to Teagan when she grows up. Losing also means there is no need to suffer the full 3000 day sentence to come with it's annual Teagan birthday horror show. Losing is my fastest way out of an unliveable nightmare.
But losing would also clarify and confirm many other things worthy of consideration. Much of what I thought I was paranoid about would turn out to be true. For example there is no identifiable culture in Britain, it is a place where divide and rule to maximum extent has created a broken human society, unrecognisable to previous cultures that embraced our true nature to some degree.
Losing would confirm a world of malice, a world where a child could be denied it's parent for no good reason. Just because it could. And a world of malice is not worth growing old in, and that's more or less as far as my thinking on the subject had progressed.
But given this closure, this confirmation of the reality of the values of the culture I cannot escape, surely there must be reasons to keep going a little longer? The time limit for any possible future plans is Teagan's next birthday. Something extraordinary must happen before that date for there to be any reason to look any further than this date.
So the toughest question remaining is what would it take to survive Teagan's next birthday? It's the hardest unanswered question in my mind right now. Given that the nature of the malice against me is perpetual, unceasing, every day without a moment of relief, and to the maximum possible extent, then so must my answer to the system that would do that to me.
At first glance that would seem to be as impossible to achieve as for example revenge against the Wielands would be. Luckily I have long known that revenge against that family is unachievable. There is nothing I could do that could equal or surpass what they have done to me, so there is no point wasting energy on such a futile venture.
But the system that backs the blackout and now enforces it, is another matter entirely. And I just so happen to have all the skills required to give it back the same degree of malice as it has given me. But skills are not enough. And in a moment I could never forget, I asked the universe for an answer to the terrible malice of the bail conditions staring back at me, and I got an answer that still chills my blood to this very day.
This answer appeared to me to be unfathomably malicious, but given the position of the system, and its attitude towards me, then perhaps it is actually just normal behaviour. Behaviour typical of the society I live in. That just looks malicious to me. In the same way how I have been treated has felt malicious to me.
But the answer is definitely of the same flavour as the behaviour shown to me. That much is perfectly clear. It seems I may not be able to make the correct value judgement on malice or not, but it is definitely of the same flavour and style. And it is tailored to hurt a system rather than an individual.
The very best property of the answer given to me is that it is entirely legal. The next best property is it's independence of material items of any kind. As such the answer is immune to failure scenarios such as loss of critical items because there simply aren't any. It's a thing of information in the information age. That which cannot be stopped once it has been released.
And it's information that once known cannot be unknown. I can be sure that information will be at least as harmful and painful as the harm done to me. And it is so unfathomably malicious that it could only have come from one who had been treated so terribly maliciously himself, and for such a very long time without a moment of relief. Yes, maximum in every way as has been done to me.
And that unfortunately is the only way I could possibly survive Teagan's next birthday in it's current terrifying format. To treat the system as it treats me may even help me adapt to British society once more, in it's now fully exposed malicious nature.
I wish I had been given an answer to the question of how to achieve meeting Teagan while she is still a child, but with the bail conditions in my hand showing that would never be the case, then this would never have been the right question to have asked at that time.
This is my only comfort if I have to stay alive if I lose. This answer could only have come from a soul that had been torn apart by unfathomable malice. It is the right answer for what has been done to me. Given the context of the moment when the answer was given, this much is perfectly clear.
The answer is a guarantee I will never serve the complete 3000 day sentence imposed by the forces of darkness. It will only cost me a fraction of this sentence to return the malice shown to me. And that is as close to merciful release from an unliveable situation as I can possibly get.
I have to stay alive a while after the trial to get all the information to Teagan in my Will. As soon as that is done the time to serve in malice world will be dedicated to giving my answer to the bail conditions of malice served on me. And then with the assurance my only child will know the truth, and my answer to the system of darkness fully deployed, it will be time to return to the great field for all that I could do will have been done.
So it would seem that there is no need to suffer another Teagan birthday nightmare experience either way. I think perhaps that is the least I have earned for my efforts at trying to reach out to make contact with my only child, and for the eight years of daily suffering I have already endured.
It is a remarkable thing that without this website Teagan would never have known who her Dad was and how much he loved her. She would have had no chance to ever see him. It is utterly impossible for me to regret any of what I have done in trying to reach out to her, and give her the only link to her Dad in existence.
I never imagined going to court over actions it was impossible to regret. I could never have dreamed of going to court for the proudest action of my life. Actions that were far louder than words could have been. Actions that will not be forgotten for a long time. Actions that Teagan will never forget.
21/01/22 20:11
So a week to go before I stand with pride for the love of my only child Teagan. A week from now she will know for the rest of her life that her Dad would do anything to know her. No belief required, she will have all the proof she needs. What an honour it is to make sacrifice of the self for the benefit of one's child.
There is no charge I would rather face than proof of my devotion to my little girl. To have placed myself in harms way, to have suffered so long in silence, to have earned a moment where the silence of the blackout can be blown forever, these are the defining moments in my story as a human being.
On the one hand it is quite intoxicating. There is no drug that can give a feeling such as self sacrifice for one's child. I seem to have developed quite a taste for it. Perhaps this is because of the way a human being is wired. These are fundamental instincts that cannot be legislated against.
On the other hand, the whole process to date has been shocking. Ridiculous charges. Inconsistent (and worse) evidence against me. Revenge motivations for achieving a perfectly legal objective.
But worst of all is the lack of opportunity I have had to prove my innocence. All evidence requested that proves witness statements against me are false have been denied. It seems that because it is me on trial, then the lies and malice of the 'victim' are of no consequence in this matter.
I have this overwhelming feeling that the only way to make sure my position is represented will be to defend myself. What use is legal language when I am sure I have done no wrong by ensuring the future happiness of my only child? What use is legal language against an undefined word such as harassment?
What does Teagan deserve? Does she deserve a defence that has an entire budget of £240? Or does she deserve more? I cant get away from the fact that the only person who will represent Teagan's best interests in this encounter is myself.
I have after all shown that I will put everything into her cause. Why stop now? The only way I can feel relaxed in the run up to the court date, starved of information from everyone, is to have everything ready so that I can defend myself. That way I am not subject to the terrible pressure of nothing happening till the last possible moment as is currently the case.
Since I am innocent and have told the truth it is I who should be feeling relaxed as the days count down. The guilty who have lied and conspired to bring these charges against me should be the ones feeling nervous. That is how justice should be. Only this pressure of keeping me in the dark, the whole blackout game of all involved, is what keeps the pressure on.
So I need to take this pressure off. There's only one way to do that. That will be my reason for how things will now play out. The only person I have ever been able to depend upon is me. All Teagan has as a hope to ever meet her Dad is me.
I have been sent the strongest message that relying on others in any way is foolish and costly beyond words. I would be a fool to not take heed of this message and take the needless pressure away such that I have the energy to see this cause through to the bitter end.
This will all make fascinating reading for Teagan one day. She will be amazed at how many people fought so hard just to make sure she never got to meet her Dad for no reason. She will love how her Dad took all of them on with no fear for his own safety. Her life will surely be defined by the answers she finds as she asks the question why.
I suppose I should be thankful that the needed message has been sent loud and clear. Now with this issue resolved I can focus on the task in hand. I have to for Teagan's best interest.
15/01/22 15:56
I have had to be busy preparing my defence documents. Only now with less than two weeks to go has my defence kicked into action. But at this point I have still not received any of the evidence I have asked for and which was ordered by the clerk of the court at my charging hearing.
As well as not receiving the documents ordered, I now don't have the required fourteen days to respond that the clerk of the court ordered. So on both counts the CPS have disregarded and shown contempt for the court they will be doing battle in. That must severely weaken their position.
So with less than two weeks to go and therefore not enough time to respond, it would appear that the eleven further witness statements have now become inadmissable as evidence. And since I have been given no notice then I suppose my defence will give them no notice of any witness statements of mine.
I wonder if the deliberate denial of evidence and proof is a ploy to force a delay so that they can carry on serving the injunction against me without me having to be guilty of anything? Time will tell, and I will report it here as soon as I know.
My ANPR evidence request has been refused because the Police know it proves that their primary witness is a compulsive and malicious liar. The good thing with all these refusals is that they imply they have something to hide. I have refused nothing because I don't have anything to hide.
I have been requested to get medical evidence for the Cluster Headache condition suffered, but only with two weeks to go, and to a process that takes 20 days. Therefore disabling me from being able to prove my case. This denial of proof at every request proves what's really going on here.
I think I have lost faith in the legal system and it's looking more and more likely like I am going to have to defend myself. Way too many things stacked against me with loads of evidence the legal system is not working in my favour in any way.
Again it is a wonderful thing to be able to relay the reality of the British legal system on the open internet so that people can see how different the reality is from the propaganda of the illusions on the brochure. Very clearly guilty until proven innocent with all proofs showing innocence denied. No different from the actions of military dictatorship.
And therefore extremely important to get out on the internet while I still can. Everyone should run a blog when the system goes after them for revenge. I very much hope this website sets a precedent if there is to be any hope for our children's future.
04/01/22 13:15
I realise today that what completely destabilized me yesterday was the shock of yet another view that I feared was paranoid, but in reality is worse than I could have possibly imagined. After feeling comforted by reasonable legal definition of the the word harassment, I felt the need to check against the most frightening and therefore most paranoid interpretation of the English law definition.
And what I saw was so shocking that it completely destabilized me. It evens removes the self determinism required to show that an action could be proven to have required a criminal mind. But worse it removes both of the minimum defining constraints to distinguish between minor and sever negative interactions between people. And harassment is a severe set of negative interactions.
I'm not going to go deeply into rational language construction etc here, but in essence there is a world of difference between a word that describes "persistent or regular unwarranted actions" and "two unwanted actions". Where an individual "action" is presumed legal, for if not then any one action that was illegal would be a law broken that wasn't harassment and a different charge.
Now I could go into examples here and disseminate the language to find clarity and precision where none is supplied as only a computer programmer can do, but I know from yesterday that wont do my physical or mental health any good. The English law definition has been left deliberately vague in order to frighten people into not doing otherwise legal activities. It is essentially terrorism, designed to instil fear into the hearts and minds of people considering exercising their legal freedoms and their rights as honest people to try and do the right thing.
The only way to approach this and stay calm is to stay with reasonable people's long standing reasonable definition of what harassment is, in order to prove that the two legal activities I exercised were neither regular nor unwarranted. In other words where I was two days ago.
Even under the worst case scenario of the English law version being applied strictly to the extreme new definition of the word, it is still the case that guilt or not will be decided by the informed decisions of reasonable people as to whether harassment occurred or not. And reasonable people must reason that they need an unambiguous definition of the label that they are expected to decide whether to apply or not.
Reasonable people must conclude that the term harassment is one that carries high frequency of occurrence as it's most intrinsic property. There's no getting away from the high frequency constraint for any reasonable person. There's also no getting away from the need for the regular actions to be unwarranted or without any merit.
That's why harassment is a serious offence. Regular unwarranted actions. Not just one or two actions without merit or justification, but multiple actions of this type. And why doing a couple of things that someone doesn't like with some justification at a minimum, cannot possibly be anywhere near the more severe constraints required for the much more severe case of harassment to be met.
I today realise that instead of getting angry about the UK law shocking redefinition, that if the intent of the Act is to try and prevent harassment even happening, then suddenly it's extremist wording becomes something more reasonable. No-one wants to be harassed. I know how much pain what has been done to me has caused, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Not even Lucy.
And I myself being constantly held to account by my own deeply felt sense of right and wrong could not bear to harass anyone. I have to live with myself and cannot live with unresolved guilt or wrong doing, as I imagine most reasonable people do too. So legislation to step in quickly before harassment or anything else as severe could materialise has got to be a good thing right?
In this light the wording to a computer programmer requiring reasonably tight definitions of words can now show some rational meaning. By intervening in a situation before it could possibly develop into something worse is an effective way of preventing that worse thing happening.
So to bring this positive outlook to my situation, by intervening after two occasions of behaviour that someone didn't like, we actively prevent harassment from having taken place right? By intervening after two occasions we stop all actions before they could possibly become either regular or persistent. And not having to decide whether the two actions were warranted or not, simplifies intervention and amplifies the prevention aspect.
So positively speaking, all things considered, the UK law is excellent harassment prevention legislation. I am all for that. I don't want to harass, and I don't want for anyone to be harassed. You have a framework that if followed makes harassment impossible. That has been followed to minimum constraint and harassment has very definitely been prevented.
Which is to say harassment has thankfully not occurred. Therefore no harassment label can be applied to the situation. This is the only way a reasonable person can reconcile the extreme and frankly alarming disparity between the English law adulteration of the word, and reasonable people's understanding of the word. Where reasonable people have sufficient vocabulary to distinguish between a couple of unwanted actions and the very much more serious and intrinsically high frequency nature of harassment. I would expect reasonable people to be able to tell the difference and must have confidence in that.
The legal unknown now is what defines reasonable? I'm not going to follow a path of research trying to find out just in case it's worse than my most paranoid fears could have imagined. It's in the word itself, those with capacity to apply reason. Those with good reasoning capability. Those who are not extremists. They should necessarily not be believers of whatever they are told. They should be those who question what they are told for clarity to be able to disarm those who would use language as a manipulation tool to try and turn reasonable people into extremists.
Reasonable people know that there are shades of grey. Reasonable people can distinguish between once, a couple, occasionally, regularly and persistently. Only extremists have once or persistently with no moderate choices in between. I wonder what happens in a world where reasonable people are only given extremist choices to choose between? I will be looking very carefully for that. Whether humanity ultimately succeeds or fails could depend on a factor such as this.
03/01/22 14:46
Dearest Teagan, I may not be able to complete the suffering period I promised I would. I am starting to hyper ventilate again in shock at the situation I find myself in. I cannot face the consequences again if my breathing spirals out of control, so I have to get this down now while I still can.
Every day of my life now is just torture from the moment I wake up to the moment I can still thankfully sleep. As a result of this website the relevant world has proven it will do nothing to intervene to save your Dad from the unrelenting torture of being made to miss every moment of your childhood enforced by threat of violence. If I try to see you or even contact you they will torture me more.
I seem to have changed from being a person who never got into trouble into an unavoidable criminal just to stay alive. Three times it would seem I have had to break the law to stay alive. Once to stop the cluster-headaches, once to solve the underlying condition that caused the cluster attacks, and once in a desperate effort to tell you who your Dad is. If I have to be a criminal to stay alive, then its time for me to go, so that I can't commit any more crimes in the struggle to stay alive.
I don't think I will be able to mentally or physically stand facing my torturer on the court date. I may not get a chance to write anything else. All I can promise is that I will do my best to prepare my defence and make the court date. But if I can't then it would only be because any chance of mercy or someone decent seeing what was truly going on had all completely disappeared.
I know that at court all the people present will be doing their best to make sure you never meet your Dad. They know I have been relentlessly tortured by your Mum, and they aim to finish me off while they know I am most vulnerable. They will use excuses like it was in your best interest to do these things to your Dad. I hope you can understanding the meaning of this terrible phrase that I could never understand.
They will try to say that it was because I had mental problems or something, but I promise you the only reason for this systematic destruction of my soul and body, is the total severance from you my only child, and no other reason. I promise you that with all that I am and all the honesty I have shown to back that up.
Well I hope this isn't my last message to you, but things are now so bad I cannot be sure of what will happen next, and worse still at just the time I needed to rest, I have to delve back into the details of the nightmare one last time. I am not confident of surviving that in this condition. You already have everything you need to know in order to determine what happened to your Dad, and you must decide for yourself if he showed adequate proof that he loved you more than anything else in the world. And so much he couldn't live without you.
My only wish now is that you are assured that I loved you with all that I am. I am just unlucky to be living in a time where it's a criminal offence to be a Dad that loves his only child. I cannot escape this criminal tendency, and I fear that if I live then things will get much worse and then I will get tortured in prison too, where they will make sure I can't escape. So to avoid that I will have to escape before that happens.
I hate being an automatic criminal who can do nothing about it. I would rather people remembered me as the person I was before Lucy's execution phone call, rather than the person that emerged in the struggle to recover from that call. If anyone complains about anything I do I could face another harassment charge since all that is required is for me to simply exist in two circumstances that one person doesn't like.
Since I could do nothing about the process of notifying you who your Dad was, and it turns out to be a criminal offence, anything I do could be a criminal offence just on the basis of one person saying they don't like it. They may even make it up and I would have go to prison on someone's whim just as is the case here
Since even staying at home and not going out may not be sufficient defence against someone not liking something I have done, there is no way to protect myself or to avoid my automatically committing crimes leaving me without any means to prevent them occurring. It's basically too risky to stay alive in a situation where even if I do nothing the system could torture me in prison.
Life is torturous enough Teagan, even with my so called freedom. If there looks like any chance that prison could become automatic then I will have to get away as fast as I can using any means necessary. It's only worth being alive if I can be sure that I still have the power to prove I am not a criminal. When that power is lost, as is the case here, then I'm at the mercy of those who most want to make sure I suffer as much as possible, and of course they will always go for torturing me more.
I hope to be able to write more fully to you in the near future little Teagan, but I had to bank this one as I cannot be sure of surviving this next and presumably last phase of the torture process from which there is only one route of escape. Maybe someone might read this and a miracle might happen with just three weeks left.
Maybe something will light in your mind and you ask for your Daddy if you can sense what is inevitably going to happen. But you are just that little bit too young to understand what is happening in time, and I am almost out of time one way or another. I wish I could have lived a life where I had been allowed to be your Dad. But this is malice world and it doesn't like children having their Dads. You are just so unlucky this is the only country in the world that persecutes Dads until they die just for purely malicious reasons.
It scares me that no-one around you will act in your best interest. I do hope that despite all this you manage to live a long and happy life. Maybe I'm just a bit too sensitive a person. Everyone all around at this time thinks it is fine that you never see your Dad, and that it is fine to torture him continually as they do. I didn't realise being a Dad was such a terrifying thing with fatal consequences. I have to wish I had never been one.
02/01/22 11:50
I have to write this post to steady the panic ship. It didn't do me any good to find that under UK law the word harassment is completely undefined and just circularly referenced instead in a sinister and overly simplistic effort to remove any constraints to create a wildcard offence that is impossible to prove one's innocence from.
After the fear created from realizing I had been hit with a wildcard I lost my ability to research further and instead sought confirmation or otherwise of this ridiculous understanding from my solicitor, and he confirmed that my worst fears were true and that harassment or not is without definition and 100% subjective view of the people on the day. That's enough to make anyone panic.
However, as a computer programmer I know that no reasonable system is workable without definitions and constraints. And in fact this UK law circular reference without definition when applied to any system is a flat out error. Just one circular reference with or without definition will break any system or computer program!
So despite what I have read and what my solicitor confirmed, as a reasonable person I have to look to more reasonable sources for a definition of the word harassment. A minimal possible concise definition would be a good start because that will give me the fewest most defining constraints. That which truly distinguishes harassment from other types of behaviour that some other person may not like.
And I quickly found the following at https://legaldictionary.net/harassment :
The act of regular and unwarranted actions of one individual or group on another individual or group
The two obvious constraints here are 'regular' and 'unwarranted'. That's a reasonable minima of constraint to define harassment specifically enough to distinguish this word from other words for similar categories. And it is clearly obvious from the evidence in this case that neither of these constraints apply to what I have done!
Let's briefly explore these constraints independently of my situation. A rational place to start. When we don't want to use specific numbers but to portray rough quantity to another this is where terms such as 'regular' can be measured against the other terms in this quantity approximation context.
For instance, with objects we might have 'one', and a 'few' and 'many' and 'lots' to be able to communicate quantity without the need to quote specific numbers. That's reasonable right? Ok good, how about communicating quantity of events rather than objects? Then we might reasonably have 'once' and 'occasional' and 'regular' and 'persistent' is that not so?
I think that any reasonable person would agree this is a representative and relevant scale for measuring the approximate quantity of my actions for the purposes of determining which of those words most applies. Where would you place my two actions on this scale? Well it can't be 'once', that is obvious. Occasional? Well that's more than once, so the lower bound fits, so the focus moves to the upper bound. Is two actions less than what would be considered reasonable for 'regular' in terms of conveying accurate meaning? Well yes it has to be. For if two actions was 'regular' then there would be no room on this scale for occasional. Occasionally simply couldn't exist. 'Occasional', the equivalent of a 'few' with objects would logically cease to exist. So this would leave us with no way to communicate the quantity of a few to anyone without having to say the specific number?
We are literally left only with the vocabulary of singular and many with no room for graduations between. Black or white. Otherwise known as extremism. The UK law view on Harassment is therefore rationally an extremist view right? I guess computer programmers are the wrong people to try and hit with undefined circular references. Our minds are wired to figure out the reality from the wishful thinking.
And now since the UK law has confined itself to the considerations of what reasonable people might think for the charge of harassment, we now have ourselves a water tight measure for if those people and their views are in fact reasonable, or if the legal definition of reasonable is as undefined as their use of the word harassment!
Good! To reasonable people the issue is settled right there! One of the two primary constraints required to fit the most basic meaning of the word harassment has been proven against right there. However, for insurance purposes, lets look at the other minimal definition constraint. Which is 'unwarranted'. Which UK law appears to have redefined as merely 'unwanted' but that is to change the meaning from harassment to something else so that must be contested if I have understood correctly.
Unwanted can mean anything at all, including that which may be deserved for instance. No-one wants to be called out for their bad behaviour, but that is generally not an unwarranted thing to do. No child wants to be disciplined by it's parent, but that does not mean disciplining your child is unwarranted. You see? That kind of definition substitution should be alarming to a reasonable person.
Imagine if it were the case that if someone could complain they simply didn't like something you did, that you were then automatically guilty of a criminal offence? And now imagine if the offence you were charged with was without definition or constraint such that it were impossible to prove your innocence and instead had to wait for the view of 'reasonable people', whoever they might be, to determine whether you are guilty or not? How does that sound to you?
And so isn't it lucky for reasonable people, that the constraint is not in fact 'unwanted' but it is the necessarily more constrained term of 'unwarranted' instead. Only a few letters different. All the difference in meaning in the world. The difference between reasonable and extremism don't you think?
To describe my efforts to let my only child know who her Dad is so that she does not have to live a lie is by no reasonable person's definition an unwarranted motivation or action to take. In an environment where it was uncertain and highly doubtful Teagan would ever know who her Dad was, let alone ever be allowed to meet him, what I did was in fact highly justified in the spirit of doing the right thing, however difficult it may be, causing the minimum possible disruption to all concerned while achieving the stated primary objective.
What a different picture of the charges against me this rational analysis paints of the situation from the perspective of the reasonable person? And additionally with careful reasoning the measure of the perspective of the extremist? This is incredibly important. We are taught in these terrorist times that we must be wary of and question extremism wherever we find it. For extremism leads to terrorism, is this not so?
Moderation is key right? Life is not black and white. That's just creates hard divisions. We are many frequencies. We are many things. There is a great need to keep words such as a 'few' and 'occasionally'. They keep us from the start of the slippery slope to extremism.
My realizations today are the most important I needed to make. With these I should at last be able to prove my innocence. It is fascinating that in order to bring charges against me, these two most fundamental constraints in the definition of the word they are charging me with necessarily had to be dropped in order to charge and presumably convict me?!!!
It's beginning to look like a tragic comedy isn't it? They had to remove not one, but BOTH the MINIMUM constraints on the definition of the word harassment to make this word apply to what I did! It is clear to any reasonable person that this is not in any way a reasonable thing to do, and as unsafe a way to try and convict someone as possibly can be.
This limit case that shows the losing of the plot by those trying to use legal mechanism to enact revenge upon those whom it is meant to serve and protect instead. This is an accurate portrayal of the shape of this case, and one that gives me my confidence back. It's easy to be terrorized by extremist activity but luckily the situation holds the promise of being resolved by the views of reasonable people.
And with a rational measure for what reasonable may mean, at last I can begin to feel that I can indeed PROVE my innocence even where no room for providing proof was given. All reasonable people, speaking the same language, must reasonably be bound to words with definitions that distinguish each word from another, in order to determine what is reasonable and what is not.
Without this minimum constraint on reasonable itself, there simply cant exist reasonable people to depend on to to make reasonable decisions on the behalf of others. Is that not so?
The moral of the story here is do not allow those who wield power over you, to start using language against you that requires no definitions. For in such places you will not be able to prove your innocence or not, and cannot know in advance if anything you do could be a crime or not.
May words with definitions that distinguish words from others forever be valued and treasured and coveted, for a world where definitions can be stripped but still used at will would be a frightening and extremist place to live in. Not a place where reasonable people could live in peace and safety. Not even a place where reasonable people could exist. Long live words with definitions. Now that's the mindset I needed to plan my defence.
If you need to remove both constraints from a reasonable legal definition for an accusation in order to try and convict someone, you have the logical equivalence of telling them they have done nothing wrong at all, but that you want revenge against them anyway. Such behaviour has no place in a house of law and justice and decency.
To minimize losses to all concerned, I humbly submit that your battleship has been shown to be unseaworthy and should not leave the safety of the port for a high seas encounter. If you insist on leaving port with all those onboard then you will be sent to the bottom of the ocean with all hands as a consequence, and you will be responsible for those losses. I can give no fairer advice to minimize distress to all concerned than that. Happy New Year everyone.
01/01/22 16:47
Sorry for third post of the day, but I am pleased to report a strange sense of calm compared to the usual agonizing stress that defines every day of Lucy's sentence on me. It's a calm that makes it easier to communicate again.
I have this strong sense I won't ever have to suffer another Teagan birthday ever again. I sense I am already free from that in some way I do not know nor seem to need to know.
In these moments I realise it was essential that my physical health failed before my mental health did. I suppose this would be much the same for a victim of physical torture. For they would prefer to die than be broken and forced to reveal that which the torturer had kept them alive for.
This is true for me too, with the added bonus that my story will be undisputed if my demise is physical in nature as a direct result of thousands of days of consecutive torture with no prospect for mercy.
If however my demise was mental in nature then my story could be easily dismissed and presented as a brochure version of what happened instead. And it is true of course that I have been under severe mental pressure from the effects of relentless and inescapable torture. But now I have my own physical sign, to add to those already sensed, and that gives my mental health a boost.
So now in the crucial race between my physical health and my mental health, and its implications for Teagan, it seems events have moved towards the assurance of Teagan knowing the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. And that boosts my mental health further and is perhaps part of why I'm feeling much calmer today for unknown reasons.
It would be nice if that strange effect from yesterday could happen again. The promise of being disconnected from reality for a while is most enticing especially while calm and ready. Drugs are no good for this because the effect wears off and you have to come back to reality. But physical defects have no such limitations and can offer the possibility of total release from torture. And that's any torture victims greatest hope is it not?
I wonder what triggered that strange turn yesterday? Can I reproduce the cause? It is essential to know everything about all such possible escape routes. I'm not very hungry and didn't eat a meal yesterday. The body cannot be resilient at the moment. This could be a day of hope.
I sometimes wonder if I should be sharing the tale of what is being done to me. But ultimately if it's perfectly reasonable to make a human being miss every moment of his only child's childhood for no reason, with no chance for mercy, then it must be reasonable to report it's effects, otherwise how could we know if such a thing was decent or not?
And furthermore, because the effects were shared in real-time, with all the protagonists aware of what's happening, then this form of legal torture was not carried it in isolation, but instead carried the endorsement of all involved. And therefore by carrying the blessing of all involved, it must be absolutely fine and decent for Teagan to know everything that was done to her Dad for his crime of not being able to live without her.
No-one should have any problem with her knowing every detail that happened. And presumably you will all be able to defend your actions when she asks the inevitable questions? You are all acting in her best interest after all, so who else should she ask as to why her Daddy could not be there for her?
01/01/22 14:48
Things are getting better! I am almost certainly going to defend myself during the court case, I do not feel it is appropriate to use a legal system that is hopelessly inadequately funded to defend myself in the most important moment of my life, especially where the result isn't even that important anymore.
Given my failing physical condition, it is entirely possible that I may not survive the pressure and stress of facing my torturer and a whole room of people dedicated to making sure I never have a memory of my only child's childhood. I don't think I can survive that, and therefore the perfect chance to escape them all forever is now right in front of me. I just have to take the opportunity.
By defending myself I maximise the chance of being struck down at the right time in the proceedings, rather than silently behind the box as the solicitors are talking instead of me. Ironically the court itself now presents itself as a realistic escape from nightmare opportunity.
Now that my body has given me a convincing sign, all I need to do is keep up the pressure on it so that I am as vulnerable as possible to the shock of facing my torturers. This is another aspect of hope that yesterday's strange turn has offered me.
In this darkest of times it is comforting to know that miracles can happen. I couldn't have wished for a better Christmas present than a clear sign my torture was nearly at an end, and that peace and disconnection from suffering are close at hand. So there is always hope, one must never give up entirely while there is still hope.
I also now know that I was right that I could not possibly have survived the family court route. If I had perfectly followed this route from the start, I would maybe have just about got my name on the birth certificate, and at the beginning of the fight for access the Covid epidemic has created an infinite array of excuses and delays for denying access and progress through the required torture steps.
And since Covid delays are applied at every stage like compound interest rather than a one-off lump sum, I was right that the family court route would be exactly the same as Lucy's existing sentence, and why that route only has her ringing endorsement. History has proved me right. Of my many answers to this inevitable question by the court, this is perhaps the most convincing even to external observers who know nothing about this case.
I know for sure I could not have taken all the additional torture inflicted by family courts who would have raised hopes and then destroyed them with excuses that it's not malice, but because ' we are all in this together' as my only child's childhood drained away. I could not have survived a year of that, let alone eight years plus compound Covid delays which would probably have extended all the way to Lucy's full sentence.
And with my strange turn in health last night, this website has been proven to be the only rational chance Teagan has to ever meet her Dad while he is still alive. There was no other way and I'm proud I had the courage and determination to see through what absolutely had to be done and still just about remain a recognisable human being.
Another reason why it was so important to get this story onto the internet, is that it will prove to Teagan beyond any reasonable doubt, that no-one would intervene and stop the relentless torture of her Dad for no reason other than malice. This would not have been possible had the story not been on the internet (with proof) for all the relevant parties to see so they could make their decisions and choices in time.
And all this for his singular crime in his entire life of not being able to live with being denied every moment of her childhood from just ten miles away. She should know the true face of the system which she will be expected to serve for the best years of her life. Every child deserves to know the truth in order to build their future.
01/01/22 12:15
Some good news to report. Yesterday under the effects of the legal unrelenting continuous torture that the system of darkness is subjecting me to, my body showed a good sign that it can no longer cope.
I had some kind of a turn which made my vision start misfiring like a old cathode ray TV as if I was losing connection with the nightmare. This was followed by pins and needles down the right hand side of my body and a warm/hot feeling in the right side of my brain. There was no pain and then things slowed to a crawl where I couldn't speak without slurring. But there was no pain, it was quite a relaxing feeling.
The most encouraging part was the vision problem, I found myself hoping that the vision would break up entirely because it might mean I would retune to a different place away from malice world. I'm not at all afraid as I already know I wont live long enough to suffer the full sentence of the system of darkness, and so to get away quickly and painlessly is my best hope for mercy and peace for my soul.
This does mean I need to spend this weekend making my Will, because if anything happens before I can complete it, then Teagan will be forced to live a lie while serving the empire of evil that killed her Dad.
The other good news is that I have managed to disconnect from my entire friend group. Sometimes in life it's good to be as visible as possible, and sometimes it's good to be invisible. I have a deep sense that this is the right time to become invisible.
The strange turn that I had confirms my belief that the torture I am being made to suffer for no reason is unliveable, and impossible for a human being to accept and adapt to, and now I have the physical proof this is so. And by recording all the events here and in my Will, Teagan will have this proof too.
The good news about a physical health problem is that it can't be disguised as a mental health problem, and only physical problems carry the promise to end suffering permanently. Physical problems ease the pain where mental problems from mental torture only amplify pain. So severe physical problems are the great pain killers and to be welcomed at times of inescapable torture.
Also strange turns like last night are visible feedback of when the body is most vulnerable, and therefore offer windows of opportunity to get away from the torture world. This is exactly what crossed my mind last night as the turn happened, but without my Will written I was unable to take advantage of this first window of opportunity since the cluster attacks.
But I have to be grateful for the first sign of help and mercy that I have been shown in torture world in eight years. And I am. Maybe there is hope elsewhere in the universe if calls for mercy can be answered in this way. Obviously no mercy will come from the system of darkness for their primary objective is to keep me alive to serve 3000 more days of malice, so that Lucy can then send Teagan to me only when every moment of her childhood has been stolen from me.
In this time where I desperately need a sign that the torture could stop, I finally got some real hope from a compassionate source that the nightmare is nearly over. So I think this could be the happiest year in eight years, and mostly because it doesn't look like it's going to last much longer, and so that's as close as I can get to a happy new year.
I need to take a few days off from updating this diary as I need to minimize the strain on my health until I get the Will done. Then I will return to face the events leading to the end of the torture. To get away from being forced through threat of violence to miss every moment of my only child's childhood is my new years resolution.
31/12/21 14:44
Beginning to panic a little now. The lack of any method to prove my innocence is a precondition for a mechanism to make sure any person can be found guilty for anything. I'm beginning to wonder if there is any point to trying to prepare my defence.
I just want one legal assurance and now that seems to have moved away from this court case and towards making my Will. Only there can I be sure Teagan will get the truth of who her Dad was and what happened till the very end. I just rang around a couple of solicitors but they are closed today.
Is it possible to stop a will being executed? I think if it is, then there's nothing I can do. And if it can't then that's the only legal assurance I can count on. And if so this is now the only viable route . How quickly the illusions of decency all melted away to leave just one option remaining. It is good to have documented the whole reality all the way. This is what the truth looks like and why this culture is so averse to it.
My priority as of this moment is finding out if a Will can be prevented. I need an assurance of something.
31/12/21 12:44
Well sadly while trying to prepare my defence myself I decided to check out a paranoid suspicion and found out that it wasn't paranoid at all.
I was advised early in this process that while harassment was very vague there were a few things that had to happen. One of those things was to have been seen by the victim. I remember this because of my shock that my seeing the 'victim' was irrelevant, they just needed to have seen me.
And so knowing my innocence and simply looking for a way to prove it, it was obvious that all I needed to do was prove that the claimed sighting of me was false, and that would dismantle the minimum requirement for harassment that is my charge. Proving my innocence through technical point of law is standard for all other known offences. So when you know you're innocent the task should be to just show how the accusation is technically wrong.
But today I find out that even sighting me isn't required. I further find out that in fact there is no definition for what harassment is or is not. It is completely subjective. There is no way for an innocent person to prove it, because there is no measure nor defence against it. It seems that if a person doesn't like something you did or said and wanted to get you in trouble, they need merely say the magic word and the trouble is yours and no way to prove against it.
This is so frustrating. The combination of being innocent but with no mechanism to prove it means there is no defence that can be counted on. As a computer programmer, trying work out how to plan my defence, there are no constraints to work to. I cannot narrow my defence because there is nothing to narrow towards?
To illustrate this, I now have an answer for when people ask me whether we should fear artificial intelligence, which I do get asked due to my computer science knowledge. And I have a very pessimistic view of such capability. And I would now say as my answer to this question, show me an artificial intelligence that can decide whether someone is harassing another or not. That shows both the inability for a computer to function consciously, and the impossibility of making a decision where there are no constraints nor rules to apply to reach a rational decision.
Indeed if I were to try and write a computer program myself to try and decide one way or the other, then even after trying so hard to get just some definition of what harassment is, or if that can't be decided, then what harassment isn't, and I kid you not, there are no constraints at all.
Therefore my program could be no more sophisticated than simply asking a person if they found another persons behaviour as harassing, and if there answer was yes then it is, and if answer was no then it wasn't. And that's it. No precursors. No sanity checks. No error checks. Nothing. And today I confirm it is 0% technical, and 100% subjective, and so by definition, impossible to prove one's innocence. They say things in life aren't black or white, but here we have a definite case where it is. And this is not paranoid either.
So depressing though this impossibility to technically prove innocence is, it must mean that the process of telling the difference between what is or what isn't must lie somewhere else other than by technical proof. And if so much weight is placed on how the 'victim' says how whatever action made them 'feel', then the question of honesty must then be where the burden of proof must lie. Yes, that statement, in order to be justice there must be a burden of proof against me.
So what's sad here, is it would have been kinder to all involved to have technical clauses that can trivially show whether an action is criminal or not, or could reasonably have been known. But if it is 100% subjective, and with no technical constraints, then the full weight of the defence must then focus on the honesty of the complainant.
If the difference between offence or not entirely rests on what the complainant 'feels' then it must be critical and beyond any doubt that the person is truthful about how they feel. And if the person can be shown to be untruthful on multiple occasions in their statements, then the occasion describing how they feel cannot be presumed to be true either.
That must be the case for there to be any scope for proving one's innocence, technical or otherwise. I accept there seems no way to technically prove it, but to not be able to prove innocence at all cannot be right nor form any basis for justice, illusionary or otherwise?
So what do we have by definition for harassment in UK law? All I can find is this circular (non)-definition:
"a course of conduct; which amounts to harassment of another; and which the defendant knows, or ought to know amounts to harassment of another."
Ok but what is harassment? To which there is only this answer:
"In determining whether the defendant ought to know that the course of conduct amounts to harassment, the question to be considered is whether a reasonable person in possession of the same information would think the course of conduct amounted to harassment of the other."
I kid you not, as far as UK law is concerned that is it. There is no further definition nor even guidance as to what is harassment and what isn't. That is why I could not write a program to determine harassment or not, and no AI could possibly achieve it either.
So it would seem that as far as UK law is concerned, all I can do is discredit my opponent, as this is the only mechanism available to undermine this charge and therefore form my defence. For the record I would have much preferred the kinder technical route for proving my innocence instead.
So this I accept and will do, but a glance at real world, real people definitions I gained some hope even if all are seemingly excluded from UK law. And these are some common sense definitions including words (constraints) like "persistent". Just that one constraint would prove my innocence. Another word is "unwarranted". There's no way my actions were unwarranted after all I have suffered and for the implications on my daughter's well being now and for the rest of her life should I not have acted.
So while no-one will tell me any constraints to give me any chance to prove my innocence, I have to have some faith that at least some of the real world meaning of harassment comes into play. For if any of them do, I will meet them. Here's another thing that's wrong with not being given a chance to prove innocence.
People say that if you have done nothing wrong then you have nothing to fear. And yes, this should be the prize for being an honest person and choosing to not be a criminal. I should be sitting here now totally confident that I can prove my innocence and that justice will be served. But no. There is no mechanism to prove your innocence with harassment. It is 100% subjective opinion of others on the day.
And I think this is all worth sharing for those who are interested, and especially for Teagan in the future. After all, win or lose isn't really important to me, just that Teagan can get the full picture as to what happened so she can deal with life on an informed basis. And so she can be sure she was loved in the probable case where she is prevented from seeing me while I'm still alive.
That's why these rants are necessary. They show just how much she means to me. Which will mean everything to her. They allow me an outlet for my daily grief, and I have no shame in showing it and will not stop till my dying breath. I will not surrender my humanity and become a force of darkness myself.
If it's ok to torture me every day of my life, then it must be ok for me to show how that feels, to my daughter especially and to the outside world if I choose. There's only two ways out of this. Stop torturing me, or finish me off, it's as simple as that.
The worrying consequence of todays learnings, is that with no mechanism available to me to prove my innocence, there is now no real incentive to prolong my suffering by waiting for the trial. Luckily the result doesn't really matter anymore, I just have to keep going for a few more weeks to get Teagan all the information I can.
Win or lose I cannot escape my daily torture over this matter by virtue of being a human being. So whichever result happens I still face the same preparation to exercise my fundamental human right to escape my torturers by making the choice to leave the stage. And so today's findings of inability to prove innocence must not dwell too heavily on my mind as I prepare my defence for it's entirely 100% subjective fate.
30/12/21 19:44
A closer look at the reported events around my falsified sighting has revealed another little gem! There appears a slim possibility that (astonishingly) the police may have been called too late on that Monday to be present when I was alleged to be there. But this same revelation also states that Pip Fairweather, our impeccable Ashington CE Primary School head teacher, was actually at the school gates within a minute or two of my alleged sighting.
However, somehow she did not see me at this time. In fact no-one other than Lucy and brother Jim saw me in a big obvious white Ford Transit driving right past the school no less. And within a few paces of 'sighting' me, Lucy felt the need to conspire with Jim about something and sent Teagan running off to find the sign that I most hoped she would find. I wonder what she needed to get straight with him outside of Teagan's hearing range? They aren't very good at this are they?
Did you not spot that Mr CPS? Pip Fairweather, at the school gates, failed to spot me driving right past her school at the very time she must have felt the greatest need to keep an eye on what happened, especially given the events of the day, namely the 'major search/incident' (for otherwise very quiet Ashington) being raised before 1pm, with the possibility that the police had not arrived in time for school closing.
It was the right place for her to be given the events of the day and especially if the police had not yet turned up. And so being a responsible sort I am sure she watched on as Lucy started her walk home. And therefore she would have seen my white Ford Transit driving right past her gates blocking her view of Lucy starting her journey home. And if it were real, she could not have avoided being a witness to this critical sighting on Monday at school closing time for year threes.
Isn't it extraordinary given the events of the day that no-one other than Lucy and Jim saw me at the most expected time of a major event for usually quiet Ashington? Not even Pip Fairweather standing at the gates of her school could spot the phantom white Ford Transit that Lucy and honest Jim swear by in their statement.
Well Pip, you can be sure to be on my invite list in court. And possibly to a future celebration if the forces of light can win this day. It's good to have an honest opponent, I have to say, as fate seems to have it. Personally, I consider an honest person a friend of a kind in this terrible tale, no matter which side of the bench you stand.
And I do apologize for the very minor disruption required to successfully give Teagan the link to her Dad that she can never forget. To this day I don't believe I could have achieved the same objective any more gently than I did. It took a lot of planning to make sure that was the case.
I had hoped to be talk to you about Teagan and her school progress, but bringing your obvious honesty to fight the lies of evil will be a welcome secondary encounter instead. I have no complaints with anything you said Pip, and hope you take no offence from my mentioning this here for all the world to see.
If you do not wish me to name you on here, please let me know, and I will edit. That applies to all except the critical players from Teagan's future perspective. I humbly ask if you could forgive my doing this, because my mission is to record everything that happens so that Teagan gets the full picture about the players who were or claimed to be acting in her best interest.
The more gaping holes I see the more delicious this gets. It's strange to be without any fear or restraint because I have been totally level and honest about this whole thing. I have no lies to maintain, and life experience has taught me that liars always get unravelled in the end. It is almost impossible to maintain lies effectively over even fairly short periods of time. These inconsistencies, particularly against one who knows the truth just start appearing everywhere.
It's kind of cool that the one part of this story I wasn't there for, is coming across as being such a comedy of errors that I find myself wishing I had been there, to see how all that is claimed to have happened, actually played out. And to have been there when Teagan found the sign, that would have been amazing. Of course had I been there then I would at last have seen Teagan and seen what she looks like! I would have put my hand up to being there in an instant had I actually managed to see Teagan too!!
But alas of course, I never saw that magical moment because I was already home. It is amazing to me that the CPS could have looked at this for months on end and not spotted any of this. The country really is going downhill. Well, I have to thank the shaky coalition of darkness for being so embarrassingly poor at the fabrication game, and look forward to your answers in due course.
And there are very good reasons why I wasn't there. So good, that I find it mildly offensive that I still needed some absolute proof to back up the rock solid reasoning, planning and execution of the mission to notify Teagan who her Dad is. But I have them too. I didn't expect to have to prove I wasn't somewhere when I have only been too happy to say when I was.
But the truth is such that there is usually something unexpected to back it up, as is the case here. Conversely those who lie, and lie with malice make mistake after silly mistake, and so the duo of darkness have made their mistakes and according to the letter of the law, must pay the price for deliberately falsifying critical evidence required to gain a conviction against an innocent man. Only irrational malice could have led to making such silly and badly reasoned mistakes. I was counting on it really, evil should expose itself for it cannot hide even behind a fake angelic smile for the brochure brigade. And so it came to pass. I have absolutely no regrets for anything I did.
Did I mention there are two ANPR cameras on the A24 route back from Ashington to Worthing? Ah no how careless of me, well these record the date and time of number plates passing by and being a small database entry are not as quickly wiped as CCTV video footage can conveniently be. If the ANPR records have been deleted, we know we got a stitch-up on. Otherwise go read them and weep forces of darkness, your coveted injunction is just vapour in the wind.
30/12/21 13:06
Well here's a shocking revelation that I have on good authority about the true face of the British justice system. A clear example of how reality so vastly differs from the illusions of decency on the brochure. And a perfect use of the internet to expose such a difference. Have a think about this.
For my level of offence, the entire legal aid budget offered to the defence solicitor is just £240. Of that it would be typical to pay a barrister £150 of that on the day. Leaving just £90 to prepare the entire defence case and for the solicitor to try and make a profit.
Now the brochure would indicate that in the interests of justice and fairness the solicitors legal costs would be covered in full such that everyone receives a fair trial regardless of their financial position. £240 versus the might of the system and all its resources. Fair trial. Yeah.
Honestly, my most paranoid of estimates could not have got anywhere near this low a figure. Yet again evidence presents to show I'm nowhere near paranoid enough. How can my defence possibly engage on equal terms with a budget like that?
Ok, this one simple fact dictates that I cannot expect a fair trial. Not just me, anyone who has a defence budget that worthless. This sends me the clear message that I must prepare myself for the fight for my life. I was warned at the start that this would not be about justice. Now I fully appreciate the extent of this truth.
Just £240 for the side that may give a little girl the chance to know her Dad. That's the true value that the system places on the reality of acting in Teagan's best interest. Just £240 to give her this chance versus unlimited budget to stop her ever knowing her Dad at any cost. Just £240 for Teagan's best interest. Yeah, I say again, this regime is worse than the Taliban in ever more respects.
Imagine if there were no internet on which to get this kind of information out there? This country bullies and even makes war with other countries on moral standpoints that they simply do not represent. Those countries are entitled to know the realities of the policies that aggressive regimes dictate of them are they not?
The internet is the perfect counter to those who value and act the exact opposite to that which they represent on their brochures carrying their expectations of others. As always with everything on this site, if anyone would like to challenge this information with evidence then I will be happy to retract.
And as has been the case with all information on this site for the last 9 months without complaint, if no such retraction is made, one must presume it is because it is the truth (again). Obviously as I'm in need of a good defence, I would hope this paltry figure that couldn't defend a wet paper bag is in fact false. Please tell me this is false, I truly want to retract this one. But cannot and will not if it is true.
28/12/21 13:24
Ok, so now we have the shape of the prosecution motivations, namely that it looks like revenge by the Police for my being stunningly successful in my legal objective of informing my daughter who her Dad is. Now we can look for evidence this is the case. And as we all know, if we lie with malicious intent, a certain amount of maintenance is required to keep the lie from being exposed.
Now if I found such a lie and could prove it, one man in a housing association flat with no power versus the might of the law and its capacity to fabricate evidence in ways that I could not. Then any proof I have of such a lie would put myself, my freedom and my evidence in great jeopardy.
Obviously I could not go to the Police for inevitably they would protect their own, and in addition, telling them such a truth would undermine their revenge motivations against me and probably amplify them instead.
There's no point telling my solicitor because they haven't looked at the preliminary evidence yet, for I would have had a phone call from them after they looked at the website evidence since its one of only five or so pieces of evidence in this case. And I was promised a phone call to get my side of the story after they had looked the evidence first. No such phone call has happened.
So what is needed in such information and truth hiding regimes such as this, is to put the information up in a public place so that it can't be trivially covered up.
Did you know that in order to meet the absolute bare minimum for a harassment charge is you need to have been at least sighted by the 'victim'. The 'harasser' doesn't need to have interacted with the 'victim' in any way! No normal persons definition of a harassing event needs to have taken place! Amazing right?
But the victim at a barest minimum must have seen the 'abuser' or whatever word you like. You could have been seen walking on the cracks in the pavement for example. And that would be trigger one of two required to meet the barest minimum harassment charge which is exactly what they are going for. Hence validation of my suspicion of revenge rather than that of a system of fair justice.
So with this understood let's go back in time to the crucial sighting of me to meet the minimum possible criteria for harassment on Monday 15th March. Lucy in her statement of sworn truth has constrained the false sighting of me to a very narrow window by her own statement and the geography of the area.
Here's the situation at school leaving time on that day. A man who turned out to be me, of unknown intentions had been seen putting up stickers in the area covering a little girl's walking home route, and reported to the school, with wardens released trying to clear the area of the stickers around 12:30 pm that day.
This incidentally was around the time that I personally witnessed the wardens lazily driving round in their pretend police car, stopping only to get the most obviously placed signs and so missing the crucial sign that Teagan later found on the letterbox. A moment etched forever in my mind because in a world where I have no information, no feedback, nothing at all about my daughter, to have personally witnessed the lazy wardens missing the actual sign that Teagan found, is one of the only moments relating to my only child that I have to treasure until my dying breath.
The point is the alarms were up, and a major search initiated. I know this because Amy Wieland rang me at 1.00pm to tell me exactly this. At this time I was in zone two of my three zone operation after I had completed zone one. The police therefore must have been notified by this time. Two whole hours before school closing and therefore, Teagan walking home time. The alarms were up by 1.00pm that a man was in the area posting notices advertising a web-site HOLDING PAGE with a mysterious poem on. Capitalization there may not be explained here, because it will be used to tear the opposition apart in court, I just put that there so that those who have fabricated lies against me can start feeling a little fear and perhaps shame in the run up to the case.
We also know the police had been called because the impeccable word of the head teacher of Ashington CE Primary School states that this is so.
So from here we have one of two possibilities do we not? Either the police were there at school closing time due to being informed in plenty of time that a man, a father, with unknown intentions was in the area outside a primary school where his only child who he would do anything to see (the poem on the holding page stated exactly this!!!!)...... or they were not!
So lets look at these two possibilities a little closer shall we? Let's look at the simpler option first shall we? That you were not there, outside a primary school to protect both my child and the other children from a man with unknown intentions whom authorities had been alerted to by midday at the latest. Three hours before school closing time when Teagan and the other children would have to leave the school to go home. And you were not there to protect any of them? Disgraceful and worthy of a formal complaint if this turns out to be the case. I think most other parents of children from Ashington CE Primary School would feel the same, should you not have been there to protect them.
Or much more likely, and much more brochure like (ie protecting the public and especially vulnerable people such as minors), is the case that you were there. Of course you would be. Its exactly what the parent's of children who attend Ashington CE Primary School would expect. Even the illusions of decency dictate that you must have been there do they not?
Good, I hoped this would be the case. So now as Lucy Wieland and brother Jim come to pick-up Teagan, and presumably walk past your shiny patrol car, because you would have been there just before Teagan was picked up right? Lucy is informed that I have been seen 'driving around' in a white van.
Upon leaving school the police watching carefully must have watched for Teagan to have been picked up safely and started the walk home. Walking right past the police car again. Now the timer for the falsified sighting of me begins. Tick tock, so little time you are going to hate this.
Now the geography of the area comes into play. The point between Lucy and Jim and Teagan passing the police car outside the school and sighting me and then sending Teagan running off to the letterbox is a very narrow opportunity of distance and time. By her own admission within moments of leaving the school Lucy Wieland and 'honest' Jim Wieland sighted me driving my white Ford Transit Van.
This would have been in full view of the police car watching over them as they started the walk home from school. A frantic wave from Lucy or Jim upon sighting me would have alerted the police car. Since the only road out of there would require my driving past the school in my white van at school closing time, surely the headmistress would be there to wave frantically too. Maybe the wardens too?
Maybe, just maybe the police car occupants didn't need to see any waving and just the sight of a white Ford Transit Van driving past the school gates at school closing time on this very day, and would just turn on their flashy lights and stop me there and then with all the evidence on me that they would be hoping to find.
It gets even better due to Covid restrictions. You see Ashington CE Primary School weren't letting the kids out in a big single rush where you could claim the busy-ness of school pickup time obscured you view of my big white Ford Transit were they?
Was it not the case that the school had defined pickup windows for the children of each year, meaning at school closing time for Teagan only those children and parents from her year would be present? And is it not the case that Teagan's entire year occupy a single classroom as it's quite a small school? So does that mean there would only have been a single classroom of kids and parents to obscure your view of me in my big white Ford Transit? Would that not be the case?
How the hell did Sussex Police alerted in plenty of time utterly fail to spot me at precisely the most likely time I would appear if I there were a reasonable risk of me being a possible major threat? How in their souped up fast cars did they fail to catch and stop me in my white Ford Transit? How did you not catch me if sighted so close to the school at closing time on this day?
Or perhaps you were even more responsible and protective of Teagan given the circumstances and hours of advance notification, and escorted Teagan and family home in the safety of your shiny Police car? After all there are bushes and hiding places on that field between the school gates and the post-box Teagan found are there not? I could have been anywhere on that known route home right?
I can't know police policy on such matters for sure but that would seem a reasonable thing to have done in such circumstances would it not? But that would be to lose the false sighting of me, which you badly needed to meet your minimum requirement of at least sighting me to trigger a harassment charge. So this nice shiny police car escort home could not have 'happened' could it?
Now the wardens had a shiny looking police car look alike too, and although they were too lazy to get the sign Teagan found, they did at least turn up and make an appearance hours before you. Surely the police with their shiny cars are not more lazy than those wardens and could not make school closing time with hours of warning?
You had to be there to fit the brochure image of what Police duty to protect the public must me. If you weren't there, with all that warning, and the terrible things that have happened with school shootings etc in recent history, then that is a gross negligence which leaves me as a parent with no faith in your brochure image of protecting the public.
You had to be there. I can never know of course, because as you well know, I wasn't there. I am left to play with the possibilities of what happened there at school closing because I did not witness it. How frustrating it must have been for me to have not turned up where you expected or possibly hoped? How inconvenient it would have been if this could not be strike one of a two strike process to meet the minimum requirement for harassment?
Now a critical bit. I doubt Sussex Police would be dumb enough to upon realizing I wasn't going to be there, to just blatantly suggest to Lucy and Jim to fabricate the sighting of me without covering their tracks. But the only way they could cover tracks is with doctored CCTV footage of me in my white Ford Transit at the time they are claiming. If this was played in court it would probably convince the low level officials and convict me.
But I have other evidence I wasn't there, and it is critical evidence to force professional examination of that doctored CCTV (should it exist) to reveal a major scandal of Police using doctored evidence to falsely convict people. It is crucial that my computer equipment does not fall into police hands before the court case. I announce this with good faith in a public place in advance such that if my computer equipment is confiscated there is a clear line of evidence showing why.
Interestingly the narrow time constraints placed by Lucy's statements force the other possibility of what happened that afternoon too. Either Lucy saw me right outside the school where others would have witnessed me in my white Ford Transit too, or the very purpose of sending Teagan to the letterbox was to falsify the sighting of me with brother Jim outside of Teagan's hearing range.
There are no other roads or opportunities to have sighted me driving my white Ford Transit other than right outside the school, or the road the other side of that green which leads directly round to the front of the school again. Either way right past the shiny police car protecting the children of Ashington CE Primary school after being notified 3 hours previously that such a possible serious risk existed! And you failed to see and stop a big white Ford Transit in that moment.
Boom. Headshot. Either way. I cannot wait to tear both of you forces of darkness to pieces in court. The problem with trying to manufacture and maintain lies, is that the truth can always take the pressure of being tested. No matter what you sling at the truth, it just holds there solid, resilient to anything you throw at it.
Perhaps I should have kept this to myself, and used it to destroy my lying opponents in court. But that is too gamble with the worrying possibility of police fabrication and possibly even a major CCTV video evidence scam that would be much bigger than the trivial offence I am charged with.
So the safest bet, against the great powers, against which simple individuals like myself cannot win, is to get the information out in the public domain. And that is the decision I have taken.
Furthermore, until I have received a satisfactory explanation with witnesses present on my side, on why you either weren't there and failing to protect all those children with loads of advance warning, or you were there and failed to catch me as I drove right past you as Lucy and Jim state under sworn oath, I humbly request that you do not try to stop me in my vehicle nor try to enter my home.
Now that I have exposed a major wrong-doing in either scenario to try to falsely convict me, I have to presume such an attempt would result in my being silenced in my own home or kicked to death in a gutter. And so in either case I must defend myself under reasonable presumption of fear for my life. I know not your motivation for trying to harm an already severely tortured man, and so cannot reasonably hope that my suspicions are wrong. I will encounter you only under the public scrutiny of the court house at the appointed time.
So, my foolish forces of darkness. Which of the scenarios was it? Were the Police outside Ashington CE Primary School when they most certainly should have been, or unthinkably, were they not? Which is it my festive friends? Happy Christmas and a New Year, and I eagerly await our encounter in court with as much exposure as I can gather!
27/12/21 14:51
So today is the first day of return to the case documents that I have so far. These are just the initial details, I have received nothing more since.
I remember commenting somewhere on this site that I could not make sense of how I could possibly be arrested for or charged with harassment for the simple act of an attempt to notify Teagan of who her Dad is. It never fit with my mindset or my intentions or my actions. It is quite clear from all these perspectives that I had lost all hope of reasonably communicating with Lucy and so a direct communication attempt with Teagan was the only forward.
As well as not expecting harassment, I was not expecting to get arrested for anything, except perhaps littering, or some kind of warning that my otherwise legal behaviour was causing offence and could I please stop. It was only later that I realised that should my non-confrontational and compassionate as possible actions have failed in my objective to notify Teagan of who her Dad is, then nothing at all would have happened.
The incredibly weak charges stretching the minimum legal definition of harassment so much to make it fit that critical lies were needed to meet this minimum criteria. I don't think its normal to look at what someone has done, and try to stretch fit to the minimum possible definition of an offence especially if creative manipulation is required to make it fit.
And then I realised that the only rational explanation was that I must have been incredibly successful at achieving my (nothing to do with harassment) objectives. And if this were the case, then this prosecution effort is actually in the form of revenge. I had achieved my legally valid objectives and it needed to be shaped into something else, preferably a wildcard offence which can be made to fit just about anything since the legal definition is so incredibly wide scoping and vague, in order to exact revenge on me.
And I sense it is more the system that is going for revenge than Lucy herself. So my investigation this morning with this factor in mind started with the police interview report. If this were truly fair and balanced as it is supposed to be, then this would both eliminate the revenge motivation suspicion and probably the charges as well.
I will draw attention to one line in particular:
"Following the letter Lucy asked for his telephone number which gave the DP (me) hope, however he was still denied access to his daughter which he felt was cruel and malicious."
Contrast that with the reality of being severely ill and writing a letter begging for a chance to see my only child before I likely died, which resulted in a Wieland family meeting that agreed that Teagan should see her Dad. And this message being passed to me by the sister in law, Amy Wieland.
And in that desperate time I took this miracle at face value and waited on that call that could maybe give me the strength and will to fight the terrible condition I was suffering, with the Wielands knowing it meant everything to me. And then when that phone call came, it was completely not as suggested and a brutal blow with the clear intention of finishing me off when severely ill with one of the worst medical conditions a human being can contract.
No reasonable human being would deliver a dying person a brutally malicious message that was completely opposite to the expected message of hope that a desperately ill person was holding onto for dear life, unless it was with the intention of killing them. I am amazed this was not an offence. I am sure if I had made such a call to a desperately ill person then I would have been prosecuted for it, and rightfully so.
And if that person had died, I would also expect to be charged with man slaughter at a minimum. Such malicious action is in no way reasonable human behaviour, and I do not believe it to be legal either. And if such malice is in fact legal, then I honestly have no idea what could be illegal if that isn't.
I'll go one step further. I will go as far as to say I think that was attempted murder. If the roles were reversed and it was I who made that call to a desperately ill person I would fully expect to be charged accordingly. I say this because it nearly worked. It was a desperate struggle to recover from that and I haven't been the same since. That without doubt was the most traumatic experience of my life and it chills me to recall any of it to this day. I cannot accept a human being could do such a terrible thing to another.
And I am so sure of this, that I would bet my life that a jury would feel the same, and why I asked immediately to be tried by jury. My request was denied as the offence isn't serious enough. Only the police think what Lucy did was fair and reasonable behaviour. No other human being I have met and shared feels that way. The only challenge in the upcoming case is having to deal with essentially aliens, devoid of all humanity, from which I can draw no parallels with the views of decent ordinary people.
I fear things that dark and sinister and from that moment knew I wanted no further contact with her in any form and that I must reach out directly to my daughter instead, however slim the chances of success. And so you with total aversion to any kind of contact I could not possibly have been seeking to harass that with which I wanted no contact at all. In the entire website there is a single letter to Lucy but only reluctantly as I felt it right to send a message to all concerned. As I remember, the letter to Lucy was done last, behind even the letter to Teagan's school, and Teagan's school friends.
A phone call whose content didn't require me to 'feel' like it was cruel and malicious. To any reasonable person it was a cruel and malicious as could possibly be. But that wouldn't have read well for the CPS to try and make a charging decision would it? And yet the police were fully informed of this both at the interview and on this website. How misleading is that?
Why did the police report not mention my expression of joy and need for a short break to celebrate when I was told that Lucy had admitted I was the Dad? Could that be because that would verify my stated intentions and not be at all harassment like? And furthermore, and only considered recently, why did the interviewing officer not inform me that Teagan had found one of the signs? Why? Because this was one of my primary stated (non-harassment) objectives, and that with both the official recognition I was Teagan's Dad, and Teagan herself having something to remember as proof her Dad made the effort to make contact, I would have been unable to contain my joy and celebrations WHICH THEY KNEW. That one had to be kept hush, the Police already had enough clues that my only intentions were as stated and they didn't want to risk making that too obvious to the CPS.
Which would have further validated my (non-harassment) intentions. Which did not fit with the police agenda. Holding that information from me helps to keep the truth at bay to give the revenge motivated fabricated charges a chance.
This document is very selective about which facts it presents, always seeking separation from context such that a few choice words here and there can be made to make the situation look rather badly like something else. But its shoddily done and once context is brought to most points raised they read entirely differently.
I am now sure that instead that this case has nothing to do with the presumed level headed and neutral process of applying justice fairly and without discrimination, and instead an exercise in revenge by the system for legally achieving my objectives to inform my only child who her Dad is and the truth of how he is prevented from being able to see her.
How strange that the system feels the need for revenge against a father for the simple act of letting a little girl know who her Dad is? Apart from suspicions about acting as protection racket for the family court system as the only implicitly allowable option (while not making it explicit for that would be too obvious), I cannot understand why the system sees the need to seek revenge for this simple act of love and devotion that any other parent could understand.
How ironic then, that due to the 'shaped' Police report, this case gets to court where there is the chance to get proof for Teagan of just what kind of person her mother is. I have to be grateful for the revenge motivations of the Police. The truth would not have got this to court, so thank you for that on the one hand, but I am going to pull you to pieces in court for it on the other. Suppression of truth is the same as a lie, so we mere mortals are told, and so this must apply to you too. Well, it must at least apply to the illusion of decency, and so as ever, its down to whether you want to sacrifice that illusion or not. The standard and only way to take on a system of darkness and win.
26/12/21 18:46
I had a completely different diary entry typed up for today. I have decided to defer it for a couple of days as something else is on my mind.
Although yesterday started surprisingly well, I had an experience later on that really crystalized a reality which I had previously only feared was paranoia. I appear to have once more become totally devoid of social skills. I cannot contribute and it is as if I am not even there.
I have never been socially successful, hence my only child being under such extreme circumstances and so late in life. It's a miracle I had the chance to have a child at all, and this thought kept me going through the early years of my sentence. But on reflection it was a terrible and fatal event that will almost certainly cost me my life.
As I search for reasons I have so little evidence upon which to draw anything other than pure malice. But there was one criticism of me by Lucy that I do remember and can never forget. And that was my inquiring mind and in particular my interest in learning things from the internet instead of just getting information from the TV.
If I had been an unmotivated TV junkie who's conversations never strayed from the happenings in the currently embraced soap opera of the day, then maybe, just maybe I would have been allowed to watch my only child grow. I'm not sure how much my computer skills hurt my chances in this case, but I know that over the course of my life they have been a big contributor as to why Teagan is my only child.
On reflection I confess I would never have studied computers so hard if I had known of the terrible social implications that such skills and mindset would have in store. Maybe that's why this country is short of computer skills. Those who were good have been destroyed socially and thus prevented from passing on such skills to the next generation.
So my enquiring mind, my scientific outlook, my value system of honesty, my inability to live among evil have all contributed to make me a misfit in modern Britain. The health and safety culture obsessed with making us safe by removing our freedom to function independently and striving for the lowest intellectual common denominator to be considered 'normal' directly oppose, prejudice against and eventually criminalise people like myself.
I can't do anything about my basic nature and it is very uncomfortable having to live in an environment of totally opposite values. It is a hostile and punishing experience. And so very lonely. There must be another form of life out there in this massive universe that would value traits such as mine. There has to be given it's vast size and potential for all possibilities to be played out.
My spirit has grown from this human experience. I have been shown beyond any doubt that seeking to extend lifespan, let alone the prospect of immortality, is a foolish quest to pursue. The human experience is one to learn the lessons and get out fast before the full extent of the nightmare reveals itself and becomes unliveable.
I know this because I have had to face the fully revealed horror of reality and am only still here because of the desperate need to prove to my only child that she was loved, and the only reason I could not be there is because of threats of violence against me if I tried. And so that she may know the true nature of the world so that she may have a chance of a successful life, rather than be blinded by illusions and lies that would almost certainly lead to failure and an unhappy life.
I am about to sacrifice all so that she may have this chance of a happy and successful life in this most hostile of living environments Isn't it strange how the brochure tries to sell the idea that caring compassionate Dad's are desirable while behind blackouts and lies it does all it can to destroy them, and encourage Dad's to care nothing for their children instead?
It is very hard to live in an environment that sells one set of values on the glossy brochure, while standing for the complete opposite, undermining any chance of making reasonable progress through life. I simply don't have the malice and dishonesty required to be successful or even happy in this human form.
And so in this time of social invisibility, I realise today that perhaps this is for the best. It is easier to get away from this nightmare if I am invisible before I leave, for then no-one will notice that I have escaped my tormentors and started a new existence in a dimension more suited to my qualities, and therefore with a chance for happiness.
So today is not one to be sad about social failure. In the end social success would be a barrier to escaping nightmares such as this. As would having a decent place to live, or even a pension. No, I have become invisible at just the right time. I must have faith that the universe is trying to get me away from the place I so obviously don't belong.
Interestingly the outcome of the court case is even less important in light of today's lessons. Since all my previously considered paranoid views of reality have all become factual reality, I realise this is no place for me to live whichever way a court case with no possible happy outcomes may go. The court case is only important for getting the proof for Teagan, and is the only reason I have had to suffer this long.
A final thought for today is it has been over a year since that terrifyingly malicious phone call from Lucy when I was seriously ill. The phone call so chilling, so soul destroying, that this website first became a possibility and then a desperate reality as a direct consequence of it's effect. Back then I could not have imagined surviving a year from the effects of that call. I am still in shock to this day and it has changed me beyond all recognition. But as the nightmare closes, I will be freed of this particular legally endorsed and enforced dagger through my heart whose pain can only be relieved by escaping the hellish realm where the mortal wound was inflicted.
What a relief that there is just a month more of this torture to go as I prepare for my last roll of the dice, and to give my only child her best chance for a happy and successful future.
25/12/21 11:47
In direct contrast to the terrifying experience of a Teagan birthday, it seems that this Christmas day is an entirely different prospect. Christmas was never quite as bad a day as not as personal as an only child's birthday. But a total turnaround is an unexpected surprise to me.
I have been thinking about how this could be the case most of the morning so far. And a series of realizations have dawned on me as to why this is the case. And so a perfect time for a return to the fight to know my only child after a needed and necessary break.
First up is the survival for 9 months of this site. It has stood the test of time against scrutiny and forces of darkness. There has been no complaints through the usual channels that you or I would be directed to if we had a complaint about content. This website represents an accurate record of events critical to a little girl learning the truth about the hole in her life.
The most important information she could ever hope to acquire from the internet one day. What use would the internet be as an information source for such children if information about the missing part of their lives could not be found simply because it had been maliciously supressed?
Next up is the deeper understanding of the working of the internet now that the information avalanche has begun. I now realise this has grown beyond a single website. The wonderful world of tags linking names and even locations to various media such as YouTube videos, social media accounts make a mesh of complex interconnections that can never be eliminated from the internet.
This means Teagan's name, and other associations such as her school can be used to link to media and information that break the blackout of her Dad whenever she chooses to search on things related to her own name. This will be central to my new years resolution which will be to greatly complexify the mesh to more closely resemble the resilience of the internet protocols whose primary design function was no single point of vulnerability to the information flow.
Then there has been an ever growing sense of pride at what I have done for my girl. I have gone far beyond the usual while showing compassion where none was shown to me. I have been able to prove that the system is indeed a force of darkness seeking lies and blackouts over truth and light at every turn. And as the time approaches it will be a great honour to go up against this system in just over a month on this basis. Provably so. An opportunity I never thought I would get.
And to be sure that my girl Teagan, my only child will one day soon know all of this for sure, fills my heart with as much joy and a little pride even, than I have ever known before. It is a feeling that could only have come from making sacrifices of the self for the benefit of the child. It could not have come from acquisition of selfish gratification.
And while revenge against the guilty has never been high on my list as it is senseless and achieves nothing, it is mildly satisfying knowing that the forces of darkness have provably lied to try and convict me where no such lies were really necessary. They were an unexpected gift of immense value. And the guilty know they have lied but are not quite smart enough to realise how terrifyingly badly they have set themselves up yet.
And in this time of need I have made more capability progress than in any previous year of my life. At 54 years of age. I started the year by learning four brand new website technologies, each of which work together to make this site possible. Knowing that the internet represents my only child's only hope of finding out the truth about her Dad has motivated me to learn so much more about it.
And not just the internet but varied devices especially discrete microcontroller boards independent of the internet that attach to sensors and devices running programs written by me such as with the LEDs. There are a lot of sensor input to device outputs that can and will be used to break the blackouts of the system of darkness. Particularly in case of injunctions being served.
How unbreakable the bond between parent and child no matter what darkness stands between them? How wonderful that the internet does not close on Christmas day? If the regime has not stolen your only child, enjoy every moment for they are the most precious. For those who have had your only child stolen, then reach deep to turn your anger and pain into a constructive route towards your child in defiance of that which seeks to deny you and the innocent child. There is no greater honour than fighting the darkest evils of this world and you are wired to do anything for your child. There can be no other way. It is in these places that you can truly find your soul.
09/11/21 14:31
Managed to put my humanity and feelings aside for a couple of days and taken full advantage to develop the next level of the LED drawing system. These LEDs are difficult to film and the automatic contrast adjustment of camera phones means I have to ensure the camera is always pointed at the brightest area. This means shaky filming and darkened backgrounds but at least the beautiful colours can be seen.
The great achievement here is that for a solid block of colour only the first and last LEDs need to be fractionally blended to create the desired effect. For a more arbitrary pattern, such as the rainbow spread here, much more sophisticated blending is required to simulate the extremely high resolution effectively.
For example questions such as what does it mean to have an LED 80% green and 20% yellow? And will a smooth transition to this state give the effect of smooth movement? All of these questions have been answered and I believe this is now the smoothest high resolution LED animation system I have ever seen.
What is remarkable about the code to achieve this is that there are no computationally expensive floating point number operations nor even a single costly division operation. It's all done with whole numbers and carefully chosen divisors that are powers of two such that division can be achieved by simply shifting the bits to the right.
This means there is very little computation price paid for the exceptionally high resolution achieved. True magic of a kind. 144 LEDs transformed into 36,864 effective LEDs. Imagine how much an LED strip with 36,864 lights would have cost? Only to look no different to the tricks employed here to make the impossible become possible!
05/11/21 18:21
Let's say it again even louder. One of the primary reasons for the internet was to allow oppressed peoples to get their message out when human rights are being violated. This British regime is worse than the Taliban by reasonable measure as proven here! Namely they take children's fathers away for not even religious reasons, just out of pure spite as this website with all its evidence proves. They will try to stop a Dad with no criminal record or anything against him and make him miss every moment of his only child's childhood!
Furthermore they will offer no support or survivable options and pressure the innocent Dad into taking his own life. This is real and happening right now. I have evidence for every claim made on this site. The internet represents my only hope of ever making contact with my child under this brutal regime that has no business meddling in the affairs of other nations.
Do not listen to the fake human rights claims of the British empire. Everything is illusions of decency with no substance whatsoever. Do not listen to the Christian message for they are the greatest evil of all. They are opposite in every way to the values they falsely represent. Only a Christian culture could be so evil as to destroy the fathers of innocent children before the children ever get the chance to realise the importance of having their Dad.
Only a Christian culture could teach the values of honesty and importance of family values to children while simultaneously doing what they can to destroy these same children's fathers?! The ultimate hypocritical doctrine so fitting at the heart of the empire of evil. I have proof of this too! This is not hate speech, it's just reporting what's really happened. This comes as a massive shock to myself. I had no idea they were so brutal and so devoid of mercy or compassion or any trace of human decency?
Thank you to those who have resisted efforts to silence this light of truth. This is what the internet was made for, and needed to be made for, if humanity is to have any chance of making a future for itself. It's not about the illusions and front covers of the brochures. It's about the nitty gritty truth of the lives of the citizens for whom a world wide information service must provide a means to share information that would otherwise be brutally supressed.
05/11/21 15:13
As my throat burns from way too much smoking for way too long I realise there is a chance I wont even live long enough to make the court case. I do wish now it had been scheduled sooner. I can't get away from smoking while under so much pressure and malicious torture. I have given everything I have to try and make something happen for Teagan in time but things aren't looking so good.
There is no point going to the doctor as its self inflicted by smoking and they have no time for conditions resulting from that. I don't blame them, they should spend their time on those who have a desire to live instead.
I have no regrets in documenting everything that has happened openly on the internet. There simply wasn't enough time to gather the proof Teagan will need to find out what happened to her Dad any other way. From just two text conversations to a wealth of proof triggered by the launch of this website is beyond anything I could have reasonably hoped for.
If instead I had written my letters to a box that I had to hope without any realistic possibility would make it to Teagan one day. Not a chance. Putting this information on the internet achieved many things. First, rather than just an opinion, or something deliberately fabricated it is quite clear that the information given on this site is true in every aspect to the best of my knowledge.
If the information was malicious or blatantly untrue I would have had loads of comeback through the civilized communication channels such as email or even a message left in the messaging part this site. And from hosting providers and regulatory bodies. All these things have stood the test of time under scrutiny for the best part of 9 months and counting. Not a single complaint anywhere. This survivability under scrutiny validates the accuracy and truth of the content to quite some degree. Much more so than letters to a box.
Furthermore by putting the information up for all the relevant parties to read there can be no claims by those involved that they did not know what they were doing to Teagan's Dad. I'm scared as hell since I have no way I can foresee to survive past the next ultimate traumatic event that will be Teagan's next birthday. Which after last year is now unrepeatable.
I am desperate for a liveable solution and the absence of any kind of support or positive feedback gives me no hope at all that there is any decency left out there. I even appealed to the MP for Ashington for help and giving her a link to the site, but all I got was a suggestion I should contact the Worthing MP issue instead. We will see in the future what Teagan thinks of that.
The only interaction I have had was to be arrested for made up reasons that were immediately dropped, where I was shown that the system was automatically up for enforcing the total loss of my only child for the simple act of trying to make effective contact with her. There is a grave human rights issue right here.
I have given every chance and opportunity I can right up to the limit of being summoned to court for my efforts to try to find a solution that allows Teagan to know her Dad even if only for a very short while. And if it should come to pass that all these efforts were in vain regarding my own survival, at least Teagan herself will see very clearly what the involved parties conspired to achieve and exactly how they got what they wanted. With proof everywhere.
But after they get what they want, they would like to dissociate their involvement entirely for they know that their destruction of an innocent man and their abuse of an innocent child is not something they would want to admit once the deed was done. The internet publication and its consequences mean you can achieve your objectives, but you must live with the consequences of those actions for there will be no hiding place from a situation that was clearly visibly to all concerned.
05/11/21 10:01
Given the importance of finding a way to make the next Teagan birthday survivable I haven't been able to think about much else. As was abstractly described in the previous entry my strategy must be to try and find an extra fusion layer to hold back the core implosion that would otherwise trigger at the next Teagan birthday.
The first port of call in the search for a solution is of course plain revenge against the system that seeks to make sure I miss every moment of Teagan's childhood for no reason other than malice. But this is just the predictable emotional reaction to be expected given the extreme cruelty leveraged on me. The kind of reaction that would stand to harm everyone involved and achieve absolutely nothing. Plus that's exactly the kind of reaction the system wants as the system applies these pressures specifically to provoke such a reaction. Therefore losing the plot emotional actions motivated by revenge must be off the table of viable options.
To consolidate why emotional revenge is not an option there is nothing I could do that is like for like as malicious as what is being done to me. The multiplicity factor. I am tortured every day relentlessly without reprieve or hope of mercy. Any single action I did, no matter how extreme, simply does not have the multiplicity factor of relentless continuous malicious effect. And so any single action I did would not be effective enough revenge to solve the Teagan birthday survivability problem.
Then there is the great constraint of legality that eliminates most other ports of call in the search for an effective answer. Virtually anything that would hurt the system would be illegal and it would quickly counter any illegal solution. Plus I have lived my life without criminal intent as my complete lack of criminal record shows.
It would be easy to give up at this point were it not for a couple of extraordinary revelations over the last year. These two revelations, one of which in particular was so extraordinary I can't actually discuss it here or anywhere, open a unique possibility that would seem to be entirely legal. They fit something which the British empire has shown it doesn't like while representing the opposite view. One of the empires core illusions.
There in the realm of cultural illusions lie opportunities for great revenge of an entirely legal nature. And that which is entirely legal can pass the continuous effect criteria, that which no illegal activity can satisfy. And that illusion is telling the truths that a shadowy, deceptive and immoral culture would rather not be on display. While that same culture outwardly represents the value of telling the truth and other rights such as freedom of expression.
The cultural illusions start in school, such as CE primary schools that teach the importance of telling the truth while playing their part in depriving innocent children of their Dads for no reason other than automatic support of those wielding power and malice. Before a certain school gets offended I haven't named you directly and my evidence shows my claim to be true. Inconvenient truth that Teagan will know all about and so fake values she will abandon in disgust when she finds out the scale of the deception against her.
Simply by backing a twisted mother with no academic ability whatsoever and her even lower capacity brother pretending to be Teagan's Dad versus the obvious academic abilities and skills of her real degree qualified and beyond Dad you show that Teagan's academic success as well as personal happiness in her future are of no importance to you whatsoever.
You could for example have contacted me and shared at least something with me since you know for certain I truly am Teagan's Dad who has no prior convictions nor evidence of unsuitability to be her Dad. I have a friend who assures me you have a duty of care to children and would not allow Teagan to feel like there was a kidnap threat if that is the lengths the mother would go to in order to conceal the truth that it was just her loving Dad trying to make contact with her. Could you not at least have contacted me to assure me that she knows it was only her loving Dad? Would that not have been the Christian thing to do?
(edit)(Ah I didn't put up the proof of no prior convictions did I? Due to my lack of knowledge of legal matters I haven't posted any of the evidence from my actual charge documents. But surely the page which shows no prior convictions is ok to publish? It would add greatly to the moral strength of my claims and this website without harming anyone. I will post this up, perhaps combined with the mental health proof article.)
Yes. It's the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth that the system really hates but is not illegal and therefore can cause the most damage, and can satisfy the critical continuous effect criterion. And I have in my hand two such terribly inconvenient truths. Furthermore one of these truths, the most devastating of the two, actually only came to me as a direct result of the malice of the system against me.
It literally came to me as I stared at my pre-charge bail conditions for the first time. The condition that expressly stated that I was not allowed any contact with my only child for purely malicious reason. It would not have come to me otherwise. And that has to be significant. This terrible information came to me at that time and in that circumstance for a reason and perhaps purpose that cannot be ignored.
The other truth will be devastating to the pharmaceutical industry and those who make laws against medicines that actually cure people. What is particularly devastating with this truth is that it can be shown with a series of four or five simple pictures that anyone will be able to understand. Far from requiring degrees in organic chemistry or other steeply jargoned scientific disciplines, this revelation will require no more than the skills a child has to fit the shapes through the right holes in the cut outs to be seen and understood and never to be forgotten.
How could four or five simple images of carefully chosen molecules with their functional groups simply explained possibly be illegal? While there may not be that many cluster headache sufferers around due to it's thankfully rare but tragically lethal nature, there are a great many migraine sufferers around for whom the evidence of deception and profiteering in their suffering applies equally. And the images are so simple that they will expose to all the true nature of the industry that makes it money from maximising the suffering of it's customers.
Putting all this together, the place to put the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth has to be the internet! Which has of course been learned since doing this, my first website, for the benefit of my highest priority, which is Teagan, my only child. And while this site was not motivated by or even a form of revenge, it did expose to me how much the system dislikes the truth once it makes it's way onto the internet.
These are two things I can do if lose the court case to give me that extra fusion layer to hold off the immediate core collapse possibility. But ultimately, and current at the time of writing this entry up, I know I am not the kind of person who can live a life requiring continuing and all encompassing revenge motivations and actions.
As well as lowering myself to the level of the malicious forces of darkness, I could not be happy in myself living in such an environment where such forces exist and are dominant. To achieve revenge would be to acquire happiness and the system of darkness will not allow that. The two retaliations mentioned here may buy a little time and give Teagan a bit more of evidence of how nothing would dampen her Dad's desire to know her, and how much she meant to him, but they would not change my ability to survive the next Teagan birthday nightmare.
To me they will be two more distractions to buy me a little time after the court case but before the final fusion layer is exhausted of fuel. If a star must supernova then it may as well be done in style. Particularly if there is no other alternative on the table.
In writing this entry I can finally leave such thinking alone. I had avoided writing these latest two entries desperately trying to program the LEDs instead. But given the severity of what is being done to me, I simply couldn't focus until I had worked these questions through. And if I don't write them down, then its less information for Teagan about what happened to her Dad. And that's got to be my highest priority when time is so short and Teagan will have a lifetime of questions for which there will be far to few answers.
If a factual account of what happened to her Dad and a short diary and a few possessions are all she will have of her Dad, then it is my duty to make sure I leave her as much as I possibly can. As she reads this one day she will get a true feel for how it felt to be severed from her for no reason. Only by sharing my feelings can she know this for sure and always be able to carry in her heart that without any shadow of doubt she was always loved and always on her Dad's mind. And thereby giving her a chance of a happy life from a starting position of a childhood of deceit steeped in lies and the shadowy blacking out system of darkness that made permanently depriving Teagan of her Dad possible.
I wish I lived in a different universe where I could see my only child grow and contribute everything I have to enriching her life experience. A universe I could be free to make pretty LED effects for all the world to see. I will try to work some more on them now, but I had to lose three whole days trying to find the way to counter the unrelenting malice of making me miss every moment of my only child' childhood for no good reason. And to see if there is any chance of surviving the next Teagan birthday.
We must simply react appropriately to the environments in which we find ourselves and hope for better luck on the next roll of the dice. We may not like the role we have to play, but we must play it in style regardless. Especially when there is so little time left in which to play.
04/11/21 13:55
Sometimes the distractions work, sometimes they don't. Here's what happened over the past few days. I was watching a particularly good video describing what happens during the core collapse at the end of a star's life that leads to the classic supernova. But as I watched and absorbed the content, a disturbing parallel with my own situation emerged and filled my mind.
A star even at it's most youthful is caught in a terrible trap from which there can be no escape. It cannot affect the outcome or timing of it's fate, these predetermined parameters are written into it's very nature from the moment it is born. The star shines as a result of the terrible unrelenting inward pressure of its immense mass forcing the matter at the core to fuse hydrogen into helium releasing the resulting loss in mass as pure energy. The pressure is inescapable and comes from all directions simultaneously.
This is exactly how I feel about the malice of the Wielands and the system of darkness that backs them. I cannot escape the effects of their malice as they seek to deny me any memory of my only child. It is unrelenting and without end just as the mass of the star is trying to crush its own core out of existence.
The terrible irony of the star's great mass is that this constant repulsion by the nuclear fusion at it's core prevents any of the hydrogen outside the core from replenishing the core. Only the hydrogen that was in the core when the fusion started is available to hold the star up against its crushing gravitational force. When that runs out, after a series of brutal escalations, a day of reckoning gets ever closer.
That's how each of Teagan's birthdays has felt to me. A day where a huge chunk of my resolve to stay alive is exterminated forever and a new higher pressure and even more unliveable condition exists until the next escalation the following year. Maybe what fatally poisoned my mind over Teagan's birthdays was the way Lucy's only allowed activity by me in connection with my only child was permission to get her birthday and Christmas presents.
But only while not allowing me to know anything about her so I would have no idea what she would like so that the experience would cause me major distress. And then after all that Lucy wouldn't even let Teagan have her presents after all. So pure malice right? And so Lucy made the Teagan birthday the most terrifying concept and experience I have ever known or suffered.
As the dying star's core fuses heavier elements into even heavier elements the process becomes less and less efficient. The star is losing its battle against the unrelenting pressure of gravity in the same way the human spirit starts to lose its battle against the unrelenting malice of a crushing system of evil all around. The fusion correlates nicely to the human spirit and the ability to make choices against the unrelenting pressure of malice and evil all around.
And then one day the fusion stops. A physical limit of tolerance to the crushing forces all around is reached. I am close to the start of that day myself and so what happens next is especially informative about what I might expect in the near future. With no resolve left to keep the pressure all around at bay the core is crushed to a fraction of it's size. A point of no return has been reached, where no further choices can be made.
But crucially the crushing force from all around is greedy. It's an acceleration. The more it can get the more it wants. And so when the accelerating crushing force hits the wall it does not come to an immediate stop. It overshoots the mark. It takes too much of a bite. It temporarily violates the laws of nature. Specifically the greed of the mass meets the repulsion effect of the strong nuclear force. So there's a rebound of unimaginable power that meets the inwardly falling mass head on and causes the star to explode violently.
The fate of stars as an automatic and unavoidable consequence of trying to stay alive against unrelenting pressure to the contrary from all directions seems not so different from my own situation. I must shine as hard as I can while I can. Life is not a duration but a moment in the light whose destiny cannot be changed.
And so perhaps I can draw something positive from the supernova process. It seems to be a universal law that as forces try to crush something out of existence, such as Teagan's Dad, they too will get too greedy and overstep the mark. Leading to an unstoppable automatic reaction that destroys the intentions of the crushing forces from all around. Even if only for a brief moment. But with permanent effect. And then at last the core is free from the pressures of life and peace of one form or another can be found.
It would seem that neither the human spirit nor the core of a dying star can be crushed out of existence without leaving a permanent effect of defiance at the last possible moment. That universal law is above all laws made by men and is of some comfort to me at this time.
For a whole two days I have been forced to contemplate the parallels between my fate and that of stars. I cannot endure another Teagan birthday as things stand. I reached my limit of resilience and endurance during the last one and I had to take a chance on not making it. This is my most pressing problem to solve. How to survive the next birthday? And as yet I have no answer.
And so necessarily all my plans and efforts are with this time limit in mind. The court case will be done and whatever the result I will have all the information with proof for Teagan of how she was deceived in her childhood by all around her, and that her Daddy was taken from her permanently for no reason other than malice. This will be left in my Will using a protocol that guarantees Teagan gets the information without possibility of Wieland or system interference.
And now as a result of the witness statements in my possession as a result of being charged I have all the evidence I need to ensure Teagan knows the whole truth. This will guarantee Teagan will never serve and pay taxes into the system of evil that destroyed her Dad for no reason. That is why getting this case to court was the big win. Scorched earth may be the best that I can get from this situation.
This I now have in my hand win or lose in court. If there was to be any chance of avoiding suffering another Teagan birthday I had to get this proof and now I have it. If I lose in court then the stage is perfectly set to escape the needless suffering for then it would indeed be needless, since there would be no chance for Teagan to ever see her Dad, so no point in my suffering anymore. In addition the proofs of my circumstances at the end will be very clear for Teagan to see leaving her in no doubt as to what took her Daddy away.
Things are more complicated if I win. I still don't win anything and this outcome wouldn't affect my inability to survive another Teagan birthday. Perhaps the bonus of winning might be recognition of Wieland shame by the system that chose to support their evil deeds. But in the end the only person I need to fully understand the Wieland evil is Teagan herself, and the system has already kindly provided me with proof of that.
These represent my thoughts over the last two days but not today itself. It's quite unnerving considering how the human equivalent of a supernova might manifest and I needed a break from that today. But I still couldn't code or get my mind off the situation. How do I avoid the supernova moment? How do I survive the next Teagan birthday and beyond? If there is a way should I take it regardless of the consequences? Am I compelled to take such an option or is it better to go out in blaze of glory? These are the questions that I have to consider today. I will write again soon hopefully with some answers to these questions.
01/11/21 11:28
I am pleased to report that the cluster vulnerability period seems to be coming to a close. I have had this thought multiple times over the last few weeks only to get a terrifying reminder to the contrary. Since the cluster condition is so poorly understood I have no external guidance or information to find out where things are at, I have to find out for myself as each day passes. I am now back to only having to change the light bulbs every evening as it gets dark. And the overwhelming sleeping pill effect of it getting dark is much more welcome than the opposite effect that defines the underlying condition. I will take a wrecked night life and forced getting up at five or six every morning over a terrifying inability to sleep any day.
For the entire weekend I have been watching a little red dot moving across an LED strip trying to perfect it's movement. I am trying to develop a precision drawing and movement system that works at a much higher resolution than the sum of the physical LEDs themselves. You see even though 144 LEDs densely packed into a one metre strip seems like a lot to play with, the range of usable speeds and positions is quite limited.
For example, if you move one whole LED each animation frame when rendered at 60 frames per second, your dot has moved smoothly across the strip in just over two seconds ( 144 / 60 = 2.4 ). That's lovely but a little fast, especially for my preference for producing relaxing effects. You could move one whole LED every second frame for half this speed. If you want arbitrary speeds then a movement accumulator can be used which only results in the movement to the next LED when a threshold is reached.
This is a reasonable solution and how the system currently works, but I wanted something better. What if you could move a fraction of an LED? Then you could have as many positions as you have fractions multiplied by the total number of LEDs. So for example, if you had 100 fractions of an LED then you would have 144 x 100 = 14400 distinct positions in which to place an effect. This would also mean that movement would no longer require maintenance of an accumulator to determine if the next pixel should be moved to or not.
This all sounds wonderful but how do you use a fraction of an LED? The answer is to play with the brightness of the adjacent pixels. For example if you want to display a pixel at a position that is one quarter into the next pixel, then you display this quarter pixel with one quarter of the brightness that a full pixel would be lit. And the full pixel must be reduced by the same amount as was transferred to it's neighbour. In this way the full pixel is distributed 25% over one pixel and 75% over the next giving the illusion of the full pixel being part way into the next.
And so this is what I have been developing over the weekend. It turned out to be a non trivial problem to solve which is why it took so long. The problem is the human eye does not perceive brightness equally over the range of brightness we can see. We are much more sensitive to dark shades than bright for evolutionary reasons involving avoiding predators in the dark. The solution is usually gamma correction which shortens the range of brightness while extending the range of dark shades using a power curve. I did not know what gamma correction was before the weekend and now I fully understand it.
But gamma correction did not solve my problems. The problems involved the drawn LEDs to oscillate between looking like they were one length and that length plus one, creating a convincing but annoying caterpillar like motion, where smoothness was desired. The solution in the end was to cheat a little by adding a little extra to the length of each effect. This reduced the stretching and contracting effect as one pixel becomes distributed over two pixels because now for example a one and a half length pixel could still only oscillate to two with 50% brightness in each looking much the same length. Then all I had to do was fine tune the ramping up or down of the leading and trailing fractional pixel until continuous and smooth apparent motion was observed.
I now have the basis of a perfectly smooth fractional pixel LED animation system. I settled on 256 fractional positions since that corresponds exactly the 256 levels of brightness a true colour LED can display. This means I have 144 x 256 = 36,864 uniquely displayable positions on my one metre development strip. This far exceeds the horizontal resolution of even the most modern computer monitor. At the slowest speed of one fraction per frame it takes just over four seconds for one pixel to fully move into the next. At this slowest speed it would take a single pixel 144 x 4 = 576 seconds which is just under ten minutes to fully traverse the strip!
And so this morning I am feeling a little accomplished. Not just because of the silky smooth passage of the red dot across the strip but because I have shown myself I can come up with novel solutions to make the impossible possible. This is something I need if I am ever to see my Teagan or for Teagan to ever see her Dad.
And right here lies the parallels for what I had to do in Ashington. I was always aware that making multiple attempts to try and make contact with my only child would result in trouble in the form of harassment or something. All without being in any way effective. What I needed was a unique solution requiring the absolute minimum direct action with the specific intent of avoiding repeated actions leading to harassment. And to do that I had to be totally and devastatingly (to a black out) effective in the minimum possible actions over the minimum period of time where those essential actions caused the minimum amount of contact.
And that is why I did what I did and how I did it. No matter what lies the people around Teagan tell her, the message and the address of this site is in the Ashington group consciousness. Teagan herself is aware that something exists on the internet with her name on it. No matter what happens someone, somewhere in Ashington will tell Teagan who her Dad is and perhaps that he is only not there due to the intentions and power of dark forces trying to stop her from ever seeing her Dad.
I have already had to begin thinking about what happens next if somehow the British empire decides to forfeit its freedom of speech illusion of decency and somehow takes down this website giving a little girl the only link to her Dad in existence. How will I get the message through to my little girl if this website gets taken out? Well, through new inventions that make the impossible possible such as I achieved over the weekend.
I have given the subject of the desired injunction against me a lot of thought ever since this intention was revealed to me. The only effect an injunction would have against me is to raise the stakes through the roof for actions versus consequences of those actions. An injunction will make it more likely I would go to Ashington to make contact than not. The loss of this website would make such action certain. I am already all-in and ready to die for just a few moments spent with my only child while she is still a child.
An injunction seems to me to be the essential precursor and trigger for a final showdown. The only way a final showdown is on the table is if an injunction is served. Without the injunction the otherwise legal website must survive and therefore no final showdown required. Simple cause and effect that even the universe must observe. I cannot obey the will of the forces of darkness even if costs me my life.
It's just the way I'm wired. I live for no other purpose than to make contact with my Teagan and have no shame nor regrets for anything I have done and anything that I will do in the future to this end.
24/10/21 10:04
Just had a frightening tug at the back of my eye leaving me in fear a cluster attack could still come. It is in these moments that I realize that our health does not improve with age, it can only get worse. Again I realize that in some respects, I am lucky that the legal relentless inhumane torture I endure every day was not applied during my healthy youth. I have to be grateful that it is only the decreasing quality tail end of life that may have to be sacrificed.
Furthermore as a result of my actions I have managed to limit the suffering of this existence to just three months more. That is a lot less than the 3000 days of suffering that Lucy and her system want me to serve, and I have to be very thankful for that too. I would have sacrificed everything I have to reduce the suffering from eight years to just three months.
It is important to see the positives in all situations, no matter how dire they may be. All my health problems (except for an actual cluster attack) that would compound to reduce quality of life even further over the next few years will have no real effect over the next three months. There seems to be an incredible mercy hidden in the closure that I could not have anticipated and does not otherwise exist in human nature.
I'm doing quite well distracting myself with the LED light programming and electronics. Although this wont get me any fitter, there's no real point in trying to improve fitness when the only forseeable objective is to survive for just three months more. So without fitness it's going to be a cold winter, but with no worry about heating bills and the glimmer of merciful release on the horizon, these things should get me through till confirmation day.
22/10/21 13:44
Seems kind of strange to go silent in a country that likes to represent the value of free speech to the other nations of the world whilst actually gunning for the opposite. Typical Britain, land of fake values and lies, no surprises there. But it has occurred to me that until I'm told otherwise, I should continue to test the illusions. After all, I may not have much time left to share my thoughts in these darkest of times.
I haven't been well recently. The broken circadian rhythm that is the underlying cause of cluster headaches is still present although I sense improvement from last year for reasons I cannot discuss. It's amazing the risks one has to take to stay alive these days. It is such a relief to know that closure is just around the corner relatively speaking compared with the nightmare of the last eight years. Just a few months to go and no more agonizing Teagan birthdays if things go as the system of darkness desires.
That's the strangest thing about the court case to come. It's so easy to hope to lose and get closure and clear direction for where my life should go. Having lost virtually everything of value from Teagan's childhood already there is no way to win for me. To win this case would mean there would be hope of seeing Teagan one day if I'm lucky, but it would only be hope. Hope like I was offered by Amy Wieland last year when terribly sick only to be brutally shattered leaving me in a state I still haven't recovered from. I don't really think I can face hope like that again.
My best hope is that the system makes it clear Teagan will never see her Dad and in so doing provide me with all the proof I need to make sure Teagan knows she had a Dad who loved her for the rest of her life. That's what I need to be able to let go and accept what must be done. That's what I need to be able to rest in another place far away from the hell of malice beyond reason or belief. That's what I need to end this suffering.
02/10/21 14:14
How fitting to return with some thoughts on a stormy day such as this? It would seem that taking a break from updating this site has done me the world of good in a way I could not have foreseen. Updating this site each day was as close as I could get to spending a little time with my only child. Like the writing of letters to a box except in a place where they would be found. And with nothing coming back such a one way exchange of energy was bound to have a detrimental effect on me both physically and especially mentally.
I seem to have adapted quite by accident by freeing myself from confronting the total loss of my only child on a daily basis. I had to adapt for until very recently I saw no way to survive Lucy's 3000 day sentence of despair. Neither physically nor mentally am I equipped to suffer continuously for that long. If I am to expose this story when allowed and for any chance of seeing my daughter at all then I had to change who I am, and to make these changes fast.
And what changes they have been, some expected some completely unexpected. Foremost in a world that makes no sense to me my motivations and aspirations had to be adjusted to make no sense too and somehow become aligned with the forces of darkness to avoid unnecessary future conflict. As mentioned before I have this sense that all my mistakes through life are of no real concern now. This feeling has been compounded and has been quite liberating in an odd way. In a world where I must live without any memory of my only child's childhood, there is no value in the concept of tomorrow. Every day may as well be my last.
The primary consequence of these adjustments was to somehow completely switch off from the idea of children altogether since this is the root cause of my suffering. This has meant disconnecting from all children, including my own, my family's and indeed everyone else's. The system will be very pleased to hear of this but a world with no thoughts for children is a very different and less responsible kind of world. It requires a certain destructive mentality with no care for the future.
No cares for the environment, no care for leaving a world for the children to inherit, no care for the plight of others. It has to be a lack of caring all round to become immune to Lucy and her system's malice. To be free of their torture requires me to be free of caring. That is what is required for me to stay alive at least until the court case has been concluded.
This all leads to seeing only an endgame with no thoughts for tomorrow. That is what is required to go from being severed from my only child to having no cares for children as the system appears to have demanded of me.
Perhaps it is the case that a world that makes no sense and holds no value in the future might be the perfect platform for some chaos? Does not chaos reign where sense and reason are lost? Even the value of light over darkness can be forgotten where sense and reason have been abandoned.
And so what do we see when looking around us as we ignore the right for little Teagan to have her Dad in her life? Is there perhaps a little chaos descending on this land of darkness in a certain deserving way? Just while the system of darkness was lacking resilience as much as it lacked morals we find ourselves fighting among ourselves once more. Oh how quickly we dropped the illusion of all being in it together to everyone for themselves at the fuel pumps?
And to find that a certain demographic seem to be coordinating to put pressure on the fuel stations causing panic where none was needed. They seem to act independently and yet as a combined force have the effect of an organized group. With the effect of wreaking havoc on the economy and possibly threatening even national security. Is it possible that the most effective terrorists turned out to be the Daily Mail reading homeowners armed only with their selfishness and prejudices? How incredibly ironic that would be right?
Next on their agenda might be to clear out the supermarkets again. Beautifully orchestrated by the forces of darkness themselves. It is inevitable that in order to restore fuel supply problems other parts of the distribution chain will suffer. And at this traditional time of high demand. At a time when we are as far from 'all in it together' as could be. The stage could be set for the exposing of this culture for what it is rather than the illusions it represents. Just as it should be.
Would this be a good time to remind the system of darkness and illusions that once the supermarkets run out of food, the entire country will collapse into anarchy and chaos as an automatic consequence? Every civilization is just one needed meal from revolution. It is fitting that the system of darkness should be the architect of its own destruction. Once the most precious of human values such as the rights of parent and child are forfeit by a culture, a blanket of darkness and chaos will inevitably dominate until the basic human values are respected once more.
How much nicer life could be if we respected the rights of innocent children to know their parents? How much more positive and constructive a mindset a Dad would have if there in front of him was every reason for self sacrifice for his child and for those of others? How much nicer the world could be if greed and deception and child abuse such as this were crimes in themselves?
I could be that Dad too if only the forces of darkness would allow it and would act in my little girl's best interest. But if not, and there is no sense in being constructive, then may the chaos envelop this land for everyone else. I claim no responsibility for the chaos to come as I am a humble man with no powers other than those granted me by virtue of being here at all.
By making me miss every moment of my only child's childhood, you take away my responsibility to use what I have for the greater good of others and replace it with something entirely different instead. The course has been set and the avalanche has begun. Enjoy the ride.
21/09/21 19:27
I have taken the decision to cease updating this website for the time being until legal proceedings are concluded. Being my first website and not being a legal expert and still not having any definitive guide as to what I can and cannot post, it seems prudent to simply stop updating it until I have more information. It will do me good to have a break too as none of this is remotely enjoyable for me and indeed takes a lot out of me.
Through the six months this site has been live (without a single complaint through any of the usual channels) I have managed to compile a complete factual account of who Teagan's Dad is, the lengths he would go to to make contact with her and why, and what happened to him in the process. Everything has been backed up and copies moved off site to ensure Teagan gets all the information one day.
The website that you can see runs on a remote computer specially dedicated to hosting websites. I have a complete copy of the website on my local computer where everything was developed and all articles are placed first to make sure of no errors upon going live. Only when I am reasonably sure the content is ready do I upload it to the remote computer.
This means I can continue to document things as they happen but only on my local computer that nobody else can see. This allows me to be confident of respecting laws which I obviously don't know anything about, whilst also being sure that Teagan will one day get the full account.
This phase might actually be easier emotionally for me since the focus is now on well defined brand new material that will provide critical additional information for my daughter in time. Up until this point, the lack of new information for me or from me was agonizing as all that remained was to loop endlessly about how I felt in a world where nothing was happening as my only child's childhood was draining away.
Things should be resolved by the beginning of February next year and then depending on how things go, much more positive updates will resume. Until then thank you for any support I may have out there, and please wish me the best of luck in my struggle for Teagan to get to know her Dad while he is still alive.
My last update here. The time has definitely come where my diary entries needed privacy anyway. Everything happens for a reason and at the right time it would seem. Had I been allowed to continue updating I may well have greatly extended my suffering. The time is right for complete privacy and so that is how it must be. I am sick of crying in agony and pain every day for all the world to see and to do nothing to help either myself or for an innocent little girl to have the chance to know her Dad. It's not right and I can't make any sense of it.
The problem with the cheerful saying of 'tomorrow is another day' is that for me tomorrow is just another day to check to see if I have missed every moment of my only child's childhood. Even with the most optimistic outlook, the prospect of tomorrow only fills me with fear and dread for the day that it should come to be. I hope everyone concerned can understand that as well as I have to. It has really helped my situation to find out that the system fully backs Teagan never seeing her Dad as it has confirmed that my fears were real and not just paranoid. Congratulations to the forces of darkness in achieving their primary and secondary objectives.
20/09/21 17:43
So close now to having to come face to face with the system of darkness that seeks to stop Teagan ever knowing her Dad for purely malicious reasons. I have no idea how I will react tomorrow. Today I managed to sort out my appropriate adult to be present but have been unable to make contact with my solicitor so far. He is a busy man and this would seem to be a minor offence in the grand scheme of things. Not to me of course, my life depends on the outcome one way or another.
I wonder which of the forces of darkness will be present? We can only be certain Teagan will not be present and that she will be deceived about what is happening tomorrow. Those are the only things we can be sure of at this stage. I wonder if there will be extra punishments to be handed out even though I haven't been found guilty of anything yet? It happened before I was even charged so it would not be a surprise to find extra punishments now I have been charged but still innocent. That's how it seems to work here.
The only thing left to take away from me is this website which has now survived six months without a single complaint through any of the usual channels. It's not a declared objective on either bail or injunction intentions on the paperwork, but we know how these illusionary systems work. An illusion of decency with lots of special clauses to make going against their own illusions look decent when suits.
If this happens I would at least know that I had given my best and all my skills and hopes were for nothing. I don't know how I will react to having my last remaining hope taken away. We will have to wait and see on that one.
A strange change in my behaviour last few days. After losing all hope of ever seeing Teagan and losing interest in all activities of my own, I seem to be functioning on a kind of autopilot. Every so often I wonder what I should do and then I remember my task is just to hang around long enough to fulfil my obligation to Teagan to gather all the proof she will need. When there's nothing left to do I may as well take something to help me get as far away from the darkness as possible. But not too much so that I don't come back for Teagan. My daughter and only child who I will never see.
I keep coming back and adding to this post just to waste away some time. I'm waiting for 9pm to come so I can drop a sleeping pill and escape hell for 8 hours. It's strange how the only thing to look forward to in life is the means to escape from it. It's the only place where missing every moment of my only child's childhood doesn't hurt me. I wish I could be there always but then I could not get the proof to Teagan of what they did to her Dad. She must know this so that she can be happy that the reasons why she could never see her Dad were fair and just, and consistent with the values she has been taught at school.
My body has also realised that it doesn't like eating anymore. Food keeps the agony alive and makes the body more resistant to escape possibilities. Since my body realised this it has gone right off food. Also the less energy I have the less pain I can feel. So no need for a dinner today. I don't think I can do another hour of suffering anyway. I'm only alive because I have to be for a short time more. No need to suffer for a clock as well as my only child. Time to get away from today because my soul needs to have a break from the agony of experiencing life and my body needs the weakening that will result from sleeping without dinner.
I just delayed for a few minutes staring at the sleeping pill on the table. I haven't got many left. And then the tears started again. My soul is screaming out to me to show some mercy. It can't take these delays and these thoughts. This soul is not for this world. It's not a real world where little girls are denied their Dads forever for the malice of it. It's not real, it can't be, there must be a way of waking up somewhere else where children are allowed to see their Dads even if only for a brief time? There has to be for any kind of existence to make sense?
Now I need the pill and a stiff drink. I only ever drink to maximize the effect of the pill and to provide a glimmer of hope for my soul. Please let me go it says. See you tomorrow if the soul must take some more.
One last thing now pill and drink done. The crying has stopped and the body and soul said thank you. I always think of the same thing in these moments. The only words I ever heard Teagan say. They where when she was about four years old and I tried to visit to talk to Lucy. But Lucy hid her away as usual and taught her to say 'go away, go away, go away'. It's the only words I ever heard Teagan say. And in these moments I wonder if there is the chance to honour those only words to her Dad. I hope I can go away dearest Teagan, I hope with all I have that I can make your words come true. That alone is worth another drink is it not? To drink to your only child's only words and wishes. Please let me go away.
Teagan I took just a little more to provide that little hope that the unknown provides. and being unknown increases chance for your words to magically become true. In this state writing is very difficult and I cant say much more. I just wanted you to know there is this place where I don't have to feel the of pain of losing you forever. It the only lovely place I know and I have to risk my life to find it. And that helps me go away and so helps us all be happy, I hope we are all so happy one day soon. I like to watch space programmes when I hope to go away. Please let me go away somewhere out there.
20/09/21 10:24
After a horrific day yesterday that I had to escape from and probably should have done sooner, I have had to think hard about which way to plea again. I did this while putting away my power saw for whatever happens there will be no need for me to use that again, and as such it was just an obstacle in my room and life. This is because there is no case for making things for other people if I cannot make them for my own daughter.
While I understand the tortured state of both my body and soul both wanting a release from that which is inescapable, I have ignored my deepest inner wishes because I have to see this through for the following reasons.
First if there is no reasonable chance of Teagan ever knowing me then it is my first duty to make sure she has all the information as to why. The court will provide a plethora of additional content that she deserves to be able to see when I have long since gone.
Second it must not be my decision to take Teagan's Dad away from her forever because that would make me just as bad as the forces of darkness who have tortured me for so long. It must be their decision, and it must provable in black and white from reliable sources, and only the court case documents can provide that.
Third there is a duty to fight evil however inconvenient and especially against the darkest forces of all. We must 'live' with the consequences of our choice to oppose evil or be complicit with it for all eternity. To change my position at this late stage when not far from the gates of either place it would be foolish indeed to switch sides now. So I am morally compelled to fight the darkness of evil till my last breath.
Fourth, and perhaps surprisingly only fourth, I'm not even guilty. Unless the act of notifying my child of the existence of her Dad and the truthful story of what happened is itself a criminal offence which I'm totally not aware of, then I'm simply not guilty. I also know I chose the method of minimum interaction and disruption possible with no intention to harass anyone.
So for all those reasons and in that order I will not listen to my inner torment and stay with not guilty to my dying breath. That's why the poker analogy of being all-in fits so well. Once you have pushed all-in there can be no going back. As I look upon everything I have staked on this I find there are no second thoughts or regrets. The system has called my all-in and now must show its true hand so that I may pass this evidence on to my daughter Teagan.
In addition I need system confirmation that all my skills and abilities are of zero value for contributing to the raising of my child. This means significant computing skills including advanced programming are of no value for children to learn from their Dads. Neither can the field of electronics be of any value to children whatsoever. Although I have not shown them yet I am quite skilled in detail painting, but my deteriorating eyes have pretty much put an end to that one anyway. I have writing skills including creative writing such as poems and this can be of no value to children either. I have a broad interest in most of the sciences with varying degrees of competence in different areas. Science itself must be of no value to children in this country.
If all my skills are of no value to pass on to the next generation then Lucy and the system's intent to make sure Teagan never meets her Dad must be entirely justified. And if this indeed the case then I must accept that it was my fundamental academic and inquiring mind that prevents me having any contact with my only child, and that I must take responsibility for the type of person I am.
There are already too many people on the planet so Dads who have nothing to offer their children or the next generation are clearly surplus to the needs of humanity and so should responsibly remove themselves from the over-loaded planet most of us call home.
When I look at those who are given full custody of my only child, the mother and brother duo without a shred of intelligence nor qualification between them, I can see how what I have to offer is so very different. A total lack of honesty, intelligence, integrity and a list that could go on, are clearly preferred over anything I could possibly contribute. I find it very hard, particularly at a time when the country needs computer professionals, to understand how these Wieland 'qualities' are automatically favoured over my own.
That is another reason why confirmation from the system is required to find out that this is indeed the case. Otherwise I feel I could quite reasonably expect what I just described to be considered paranoid, after all, I can't show rationally how this could be the case. That's why I need the system to confirm it for me. I need to know that my values and abilities are completely opposite to the system in order to make escaping from it as painless and rational and expedient as possible.
All this then, and all the evidence collected so far would prove to Teagan that there was no value in my even trying to suffer another eight years just to find I still had nothing of value to contribute. She would then fully understand why she could never meet her Dad and she would also know that it was a good thing that she never got to meet him. And that means she could instead live her life with Wieland values that carry the full blessing and endorsement of the system. As proven by the documents she will treasure forever.
If Lucy and her system have their way, then Teagan will never know her Dad, and at the age of eighteen she will have inherited my ability to see through the illusions of decency and the true evil of the system that kept from her Dad. She will never fall for the lies and system illusions swallowed so easily by 'normal' people. She will never serve the empire of evil that took her Dad away for no reason other than spite. And so she will cost the system dearly, just like her Dad, as she too takes on the moral obligation to fight evil wherever it is found and especially in the inconvenient places.
And in this way perhaps I do get to pass something on to the next generation and to my only child. And since the academic and other skills listed were of no value whatsoever, then perhaps this ability to see through lies and illusions is in fact the only worthwhile contribution I could make to her upbringing.
19/09/21 16:37
I have to confess that this is now so painful I am only going through with the court case to get the full record for Teagan. I have lost all interest in a life of writhing physical agony and mental anguish every day for the rest of my life. I do not want to interact in a world that does this to people for the sheer spite of it. Nobody came to the aid of Teagan or myself. Teagan I have given my best and have very little left to give. It's such a shame you didn't want your Dad in time. I don't think I have anything left to say. I am so sorry you have a Dad that the whole world wants to stop you ever seeing. I have no idea why and never did and I don't think I ever will.
The strangest thing is my mind is starting to play tricks and telling me to go guilty instead on Tuesday so I only have to suffer two more days of this. I will have enough evidence to leave Teagan with that injunction in my hand. And the court case will be so far away. So many days of agony to endure and I think I have suffered enough for Teagan now. I don't think I can take much more of this demonic punishment and the system of darkness that endorses and reinforces it. All I need is confirmation it is as it appears and I can be free.
19/09/21 07:24
Something big picture has been dawning on me. This website has entirely achieved it's stated primary objectives. Which is to make sure Teagan knows who her Dad was and what happened to him, such that she will be able to live her life in the context of what happened to her Dad and the system that made it all happen. Or more simply to live her life in the light of truth as opposed to the darkness of a web of lies and deceit.
Even if the system finds a way to shut down an entirely legal website I already have all the information I need to make sure Teagan gets the full picture. All that was missing was the content of the documents already sent to me. The contents of this website plus these documents plus the full account of my actions and the results of the court case to come with all the evidence attached will form a complete proof for Teagan to see what happened. And the website is and always has been fully backed up.
Now that I have Teagan's full name I will be able to leave this complete account to her in my Will that neither Lucy or her system will be able to intercept or prevent.
All that remains to be decided is whether Teagan ever gets to meet her Dad, which is what will be decided by the court case. It is my reasonable opinion that consideration of the implications of the end result is not a discussion of the case itself. If I win the website survives and a chance for Teagan to get to know her Dad is created. If I lose then as a final act of malice the system will probably find a way shut down Teagan's last hope to ever know her Dad. I wonder if they might even achieve this before I'm actually found guilty?
In parallel to the guaranteed success of the website achieving it's primary objectives, I find that due to the website success that I can't lose now either. The maximum losing position for me was to have to live for years more being tortured waiting for my only child's childhood to evaporate with my apparent consent from only 10 miles away. And to live the rest of my days with this biggest of holes in my soul, in a housing association cell with no pension to die in maximum physical and mental agony. And for this to be the demonstrated and proven wishes of Lucy and her system of darkness. I cast iron guarantee you will not get this outcome.
If I win in court I will initiate the official route to gain Teagan access to the Dad she should have had a right to know from the start. It made no sense to follow this route until I got the provable admission from Lucy that Teagan is indeed my daughter. If I lose then I get my fast ticket out of the endless unavoidable suffering that otherwise lies in wait. Either result is better than where I was before the website was released. Either result guarantees the website primary objectives too.
And so all that really remains to be decided by the court case is whether Teagan ever had the right or chance to meet her Dad. To be able to prove to Teagan that Lucy and her system deliberately took away my only incentive to live is priceless beyond words. The trial then is effectively Teagan's trial, for it is only her who will have to live with the consequences of the results of this case. For decades to come. For the rest of her life. And she will have all the proof and evidence she needs to decide who to blame and how best to deal with that.
So putting this all together, the website has provided a chance for Teagan to know her Dad, or if not then the end of the suffering of Teagan's Dad. Without the website Teagan would never have known who her Dad was and would have lived a false reality based entirely on lies and deceit. The website has ended that terrible possibility. With the website Teagan should get to one day know and love the Dad that loves her more than anything.
It is now impossible for me to regret this website or any of my actions or whichever outcome arises from the court's decision. The court will be deciding only whether Teagan ever gets to meet her Dad or not. And to be honest I would prefer them to decide that than me. This way Teagan will have a target to blame long after myself and Lucy have left the stage.
This leaves only one unanswered question. Is there any person or organization out there that is smart or compassionate enough to see the truth in what I have shown here? Very simply you can't hurt me more than you have already, you can only free me from here. So do you want to hurt Teagan for the rest of her life or don't you? It's really quite simple at the most basic level now. No going back, no regrets, all-in till the last breath.
The only person who the highly sought after injunction will punish is Teagan. For the rest of her life. It will even have her name on it. It will provide unambiguous proof of why her Dad could not be there for when she was older. It will be Teagan's injunction alone. It will free her Dad from any more suffering and therefore have zero punishing effect on me. To serve such a thing on an innocent eight year old child proves the system to be every bit the monster that I claim and have shown it to be. Who could possibly want such a thing for an innocent child?
And so finally we arrive at the rationale behind my plea to come on Tuesday morning. The easiest way out of hell for me is to go guilty and with Teagan's injunction in place I am able to guarantee to punish all those who have made me suffer so badly for all their time remaining on Earth. But to get the full account to Teagan, all the names and all the evidence, I am morally obliged to go not guilty. The fact that I believe I am not guilty anyway actually has no significant effect on my plea. Its all about the truth for my girl as it has been from right the start.
The only way out of an agonizing end of life phase for me, even if you miraculously granted me immediate access to my girl, is a copy of that injunction in my hand! An ironic act of mercy right at the end of the story that would be right? Your move.
18/09/21 11:23
Amazing news. I managed to sleep last night unaided! First time in a few days. This is significant for a few reasons. Firstly it shows my brain was able to get tired enough to get a full night's sleep. Secondly this reduces my tolerance to the sleeping aids thus improving their effectiveness for if difficulty sleeping returns. Even one day can make a difference. And thirdly I am now exactly a week away from the date the cluster attacks actually started last year. So critical is timing to the cluster condition that I sense if I can go another week, get two whole weeks and the equinox behind me, that maybe I have done enough to avoid the cluster attacks this year.
I remind the reader that the medical profession knows that clusters are a side effect of an underlying condition, but not what that underlying condition is. This is because it doesn't reveal itself in advance. The first thing you know is you get the cluster attacks as best I remember. The cluster attacks don't stop until the underlying fault is fixed. And so this is why the system does not know the underlying cause. It is only because I managed to stop the cluster attacks themselves last year that the underlying condition was revealed to me.
So I should gain some confidence in the fact that the worrying signs I have been experiencing are all indicative of the underlying condition, which rationally I must assume I still have. That which stopped the clusters last year did not stop this problem. Only a long time on sleeping pills and other sleeping aids and a rigid light discipline during the day solved that. In other words I appear to be suffering some early symptoms of the underlying condition that only happened when the cluster attacks themselves had finished for that year or period.
If I accept there could have been no possibility of avoiding all the indicators of this serious condition that is tied to the changing light of the time of year, then I have to feel some repair of the broken system has taken place. And that enough repair has taken place to avoid tipping over into the full cluster attacks.
And so it can be seen clearly why being able to sleep for even just one night unaided at this critical time is a quite a big deal. It was a little strange. As it got dark I felt a slight tiredness. I didn't get any more tired over the next six or so hours. But critically things didn't speed up as time went on. And the slight tiredness was just enough to drift off to sleep eventually.
17/09/21 17:45
Well would you believe it, there appears to be no such thing as a private doctor/GP! Is it because I don't look right? Surely the rich don't have to play fastest finger first games at 8am each morning they need to see a doctor? I would have thought a private doctor is the first useful thing money could buy after a house? Is being a homeowner a requirement? So many questions with no answers. I really am genuinely shocked.
On reflection I guess the NHS GP system wouldn't be so bad if there was viable competition. That must be why standards are so low. If there was a simple choice between getting stressed waiting on telephone queuing systems with no guarantee of getting an appointment and just paying say £70 and getting a fast appointment and the best available medicine then the private option would be chosen every time it really mattered. So that could be why the choice doesn't seem to exist. At least as far as the general public is concerned.
So it's the NHS or my own abilities. I know what saved my life last year. I really thought people with money could get a decent doctor who can offer the full menu of treatments. But apparently not. Well the irony here is if the clusters come back I must not do anything myself and just plonk myself in hospital demanding a permanent oxygen cylinder until they can drop their prejudices to listen to the alternative possibilities.
Don't worry about that affecting my court attendance, I will be there with oxygen cylinder if needed. Have I got it wrong, are there any private doctors that can book appointments in advance and offer the full menu that the NHS does not? I won't get any answers here of course, I will have to do more research.
Part of me feels sure I have done enough to keep the cluster attacks at bay. But losing my automatic tiring ability as the light diminishes particularly at this precise time of year has got me a bit scared. The brain fault that led to the clusters is still there and I feel some of the early warning signs around the left hand side of my head.
(Update) Perhaps simply arriving unannounced today at Worthing's poshest private hospital wasn't the smartest idea. I just needed to get some sunlight. A little more internet research revealed the obvious BUPA possibility. But outside of organizations such as this I could still find no evidence for private GP surgeries. The BUPA website says it straight, a private GP appointment with the possibility for a private prescription. Exactly what I need to support me through this vulnerable period. I will have to arrange something Monday which is of course the day before the plea hearing.
It's starting to get dark now, this is the critical time. If the brain starts speeding up instead of tiring I'm in trouble. Changed all the light bulbs to the dimmest already which isn't a good sign either. If the brain fault is there bright lights become unbearable after dark. Luckily the court case will be in the day. No-one including me can tell I have the problem during the day. If I have the problem, no-one can see me at night. What I am describing here is the underlying condition which causes cluster headaches. It's a broken circadian rhythm. One day recognition of this will save lives.
16/09/21 20:45
Well the search for the good private doctor continues, but in the meantime I have added an article to the Blog section containing the relevant information the CPS would need to *not* need to place any additional constraints on me citing mental health reasons. Heavily redacted as there is no need to know my private medical details, just the professional view of my risk to myself and others under the conditions of the time.
Furthermore I declare no interest or intent to discuss the court case until it is over. It has to be this way for maximum effect. The full story will be revealed as soon as it is legal to do so. Hold tight because it's going to be an amazing ride. A movie will be made of this story one day, and it will be one of the greatest and most moving stories ever told. We just got to be patient for now.
I do pledge one thing for when the court case is over. Every single one of you who conspired to keep Teagan from having her Dad will be named on here for all time. Conversely all those who help Teagan gain access to her Dad, those with the courage to actually act in her best interest rather than just talk about it, you will all be credited on this site. It will be an all-star cast. Which side will you choose? The light which gives Teagan her Dad, or the darkness trying to take him away from her forever? How will you want Teagan to remember you and your part in the fight for her right to have her Dad in her life?
16/09/21 11:02
There have been a few worrying signs that the cluster headaches might return. I am fully aware this is a medical condition with a ruthless timing nature. I haven't been able to sleep unaided over the past few days and that's a bad sign. When I defeated the actual cluster attacks last year I was then immediately dropped into the underlying cause. The underlying cause was a broken circadian rhythm which revealed each day as a kind of manic speeding up as the light dropped in the evening instead of slowing down and becoming tired as is meant to happen. As the evening darkened my sensitivity to light would go through the roof until at some point after dark any light at all was unbearable.
Since I recovered from the last year's episode my circadian rhythm went into extreme correct mode. I literally had no ability to stay up much more than an hour or so after it got dark. As it got dark every day it felt like a sleeping pill had been taken. Which has been great and why I routinely get up around 6am every day ever since the cluster incident of last year. Prior to this incident and for my whole adult life I have been a much more late sleeping and getting up person. But this early start change I like now.
The anniversary of the start of the cluster attacks was on 11th September. It is great news indeed that I have got past that date without an attack. But over the last 4 days, not helped by the stress of the system attack on me evident in the court case papers, I have lost that automatic get tired early ability. The only lasting legacy from last years attacks that I have had to maintain every day without fail is the brightness and colour temperatures of all the lighting at home. By that I mean during the day there must be a large amount of unbroken daylight bright white light. As the day darkens these lights must be changed to warm white. And then later still to very dim lighting giving me up to an hour before being forced to sleep but in a most welcome way. Without the gift of sleep tomorrow is not another day. That is why the ability to sleep is the greatest gift of all.
There's no forgetting the light management for even a single day. I get tugs at the back of my eyes if I forget and until I correct the lighting. I have gone to great lengths to fix the lighting problems that I believe caused the cluster headaches. I believe I have done enough to prevent their return. But this is a very rare condition about which very little is known, and it would appear that in order to be here writing this to you now, that I somehow must know a little more than most about it.
But I am no doctor and there is very little opportunity to function once the attacks start. I was awfully failed by the NHS last year which almost cost me my life a second time. The fragility of that situation directly led to writing the letter to Lucy literally begging her to let me see Teagan while I was still alive. Which of course she used as an opportunity to play a terrible trick to try and finish me off when I was so obviously in deep medical trouble.
Due to the terrible NHS mistakes and seeing only the lowest hanging fruit class of medicines being offered to me when I badly needed the best medical treatment possible for this terrible condition, I cannot rely on them again. The junk I got served up that my life depended on that they would only issue four days supply of at a time, with no repeat prescription mechanism, with a pharmacy delay mechanism meaning the supply could not always be consistent made me lose all faith in NHS doctors and their low hanging fruit that one has to jump through hoops to get.
So today I'm going on the search for a private doctor. It's a prudent thing to do at this time of year with the early signs showing as they are. I cannot depend on the NHS if their doctors will not even prescribe the correct medicine as stated on the NHS's own website. And at this time from attack on all sides by a malicious system trying to make sure Teagan never sees her Dad, I just have the sense I'm going to need the best support possible to get through this.
I am still awaiting instructions on what can and cant be posted on the website once the court case begins, and once the limitations are known and understood I will abide by the rules best I can. The distraction for today is to get quality medical support in place and hopefully an appointment for a general check over, and to get right on the early signs of the sleep trouble before it develops into the full horror show of cluster headaches.
15/09/21 16:37
The system's formalized intention to deny me any contact with my only child for her entire childhood is really hitting home hard now . Regardless of the outcome of the case, this is a formalized fact cast in stone now. And they do so knowing full well my circumstances and how close to the edge I must be. So as well as it's formalized intent to deny me any chance of ever seeing my only child, it has also shown it's intent to do it's best to make sure Teagan herself never gets to meet her Dad. For no stated reason.
It can't even be mental health reasons because I have a document dated just a few months ago that states I am no danger to myself or anyone else. I will provide proof of this document if requested but for now I think my word has been shown to be good enough.
The curious effect of this declaration of intent to make me suffer to the end of my days is not as I expected. It's made me realise that win or lose I will never be welcome by the rest of my kind. Nobody has come to my aid. Everyone has tried to reinforce the blackout and maximise my suffering. For reasons I can't even begin to imagine. And it's not paranoid, it's real, it's here in black and white!
This means that as well as my own deficiencies, I cannot expect a glimmer of hope from the outside world either. There can only be more suffering ahead with no hope of any mercy or compassion of any kind. That's the definition of hell, except instead of being a permanent place, it turned out to be the most temporary of places. That is the mercy and the compassion right there. All the good things without suffering must be the other way. The eternal place cannot be the place of pain and suffering for it is here instead.
It's beginning to look like fighting for a chance to get to know my only child could only ever have been an exercise in futility. The enemy have made their position clear and they are far more powerful than a simple man such as myself. For some reason it is important to so many that Teagan never gets to meet her Dad, and so this is how it must be so that my suffering can finally come to an end too. Tomorrow isn't another day in a world that guarantees to be just as hostile the next day.
What incentive do I have to even face the trauma of the court case? There's nothing left to fight for is there?.
14/09/21 21:47
A bit down this evening. I'm trying to make the most of the positive moments but in reality the overall picture is the same. I'm still going to be forced to miss every moment of my only child's childhood one way or another. And I now have proof that the system does indeed back Lucy's blackout and has shown its intention to make me miss every moment of Teagan's childhood. I have this proof in the case paperwork. I wasn't paranoid after all. Its all true.
The system seeks to deny Teagan ever seeing her Dad for absolutely no good reason. Even with the case paperwork I am not presented with a good reason why I shouldn't try to make contact with my only child. And therefore it must be malice from them too, just as with Lucy. You can tell when its malice because they will provide no other valid reason. They wont admit this motive, it's just one of those implicit unsaid things.
It's hard to comprehend to a man who has always tried to be kind and do the best for people. What have I done that could possibly deserve this degree of malice and torture? It is hard to remain motivated to live in an environment so toxic to human values. I'm so glad I have no pension, what possible motivation could there be to wither away growing old among so much malice?
Life feels very cheap at the moment. It holds almost no value at all. I don't think I will be as careful when it comes to risk taking from here on in. Either I get the most basic of human rights and needs required to survive or a dice roll will get lucky. If the system wins and gets its injunction then that would essentially be the same as Lucy's unliveable sentence. The only thing I'm sure of is that sentence will not be served. That is a promise. Take Teagan's whole childhood from me, and you take Teagan's Dad away from her forever. That one's cast in stone now.
Cheers to dice rolls of hopes however often they are taken. The prisoners duty is to escape. That always involves a degree of risk. It's always going to be worth it when there's nothing left to lose.
14/09/21 12:51
Some more wonderful news. As a direct result of the sequence of events leading to this court case I will at the earliest reasonable opportunity resume the official route for gain access to my daughter. The evidence I now have in black and white confirms that my worst fears for trying the family court route at any prior stage would indeed have been utterly futile. Exactly as the mediator warned me and we both understood.
In cases where the father is not on the birth certificate and the mother will do anything to cause so much delay that the childhood is lost anyway, the so called official route is utterly impotent. But now getting my name on the birth certificate should be fairly trivial with the sworn statement to the most reliable of witnesses in the police. This was achieved in 6 months where the official route would have taken 3 or 4 years.
Without disclosing anything, the result of this court case should accelerate the second half of the official route which concerns parental responsibility and access. With the website in place and the situation exposed by the court case, this stage might reasonably complete more quickly than it otherwise would. Much more quickly. If proof of being the Dad can be achieved in 6 months then maybe access could be possible within a year or two.
A couple years with the website such that Teagan may meet her Dad while still a child versus 8 years or more without the website leaving no chance for Teagan to meet her Dad while a child. An absolute no brainer. To not have done what I did since I was capable of figuring out an effective solution would actually be proof I was a worthless father to my child.
I was never trying to circumvent the system completely. At some stage I have to have to regain the parental responsibility to be able to have a meaningful relationship with my child that was stripped from me by being deceived about the birth of my daughter. It's just that the balance of power needed addressing such that I had some leverage for the negotiations. There can be no rational basis for negotiation where all the power is held by one side. That's a begging position, not a negotiating one. And I tried begging and it didn't work.
A final thought on what harassment must be. It is indeed very vague and can be just about anything, but in order to separate it from what has been done to me and my family, which is shockingly legal, it cannot just be the effects on the victim. Because if that were true, then what ahs been done to me would be an extremely serious offence. But because there is no interaction, the denying me any knowledge of my child is a non-interaction, that's the pain, but it must be this non-interaction that is key to separating harassment from not harassment. It cannot be just the effect on the person otherwise Lucy would have been locked up a long time ago.
So with what must be true at a minimum sorted, my whole activity for the Monday was specifically to avoid any kind of interaction with Lucy. Every single action apart from going to Ashington itself, which I was perfectly entitled to do, was planned and executed to avoid Lucy or any of her family including Teagan herself. My mission was to effectively notify my daughter that she had a Dad and who he was. Without ever interacting in any way with Lucy or any of her family. Which I achieved perfectly. Which is why the critical fabrication was required to make this day count as one of the two strikes required in order to twist what I did into something else.
Even without parental responsibility there is no law that states that a father may not attempt to notify his child of his existence. And so I was obliged to do all I could to achieve that. To not have done so is to not really care. To give the illusion of not caring while suffering just adds to the mother's lies. That's the worst of all cases! That leaves the child and it's father suffering for the rest of their lives!
I now know that I could not possibly have achieved this legal objective this peacefully and this effectively by any other route. For the first time in my life I have achieved something remarkable and got the best possible result that a man with limited means could possibly have got. I feel so convinced of this I offer as an open challenge to anyone to find a less distressing solution to the puzzle than I found and executed.
And by challenge I don't mean some cheerful off-hand reference to official routes with no quantifying of the steps, costs and time involved. I mean like for like. Week for week. Pound for Pound. Distress level for distress level. The fully reasoned plan. I defy you to come up with something more effective that meets the same constraints my solution did.
13/09/21 15:38
I realise now I really needed the case documents. I am confident the content of this website in all areas will become far more positive now that it is formally acknowledged that I am Teagan's Dad. This would have taken up to four years through the slow motion route. For the first time in my life I have proof this is the case. More importantly Teagan has proof that I am her Dad.
Teagan will have proof that her Dad did everything he could to get the message through to her at the earliest possible opportunity. That means she will know she was loved by her Dad no matter what Lucy has told her. For her to know she is loved, and to not have to be tormented in the realms of doubt having to believe it instead, is absolutely everything to me. So important I would be prepared to lay down my life if necessary to achieve it.
Teagan will have proof of how she was deceived out of her right to her Dad who would have been such a precious part of her childhood. She will have proof that her Dad favours truth while her Mother favours lies as this will be clearly demonstrated in court. I will have to establish that truth is favoured over lies before the trial begins. I know I will be asked to swear to tell the truth and I am happy to do so providing that the also court confirms that the truth is always to be favoured over lies. Clarification of this will be sought for all cases. For example there cannot be exceptions for vague reasons like being in someone's or someone else's best interest. Because then I too must be free to favour the lie over truth if it were in my or someone else's best interest. Otherwise we are not playing by the same rules and I would be at a distinct disadvantage and therefore the trial could not be considered fair.
To make this perfectly clear I will use a computer example if necessary. If two computers are to have meaningful communication between them then they must both agree a convention of value in the binary system used. By this I mean they must both agree that one is greater than zero. In all cases. Otherwise reliable communication would be impossible. Truth must be greater than lies. Both sides. In all cases. No exceptions.
After 7 years of being unable to do anything effective I have finally been able to act effectively. I have succeeded using the minimum distress possible to effectively make my child aware she has a Dad who loves her. This is in an environment where it is almost impossible to achieve this objective. The confirmation the message got through to Teagan completely validates the hard work and careful preparation required to make this happen. Teagan's extended family are overjoyed and even impressed at the results of her Dad's hard work.
And its a beautiful part of the story how Teagan found the link to her Dad. The circumstances of how she found the sticker would be a worthy scene in a film. I can't disclose exactly what happened as I think the case documents are restricted and that in general active court cases should not be discussed publicly. I will get full confirmation of what can and can't be posted from my solicitor in due course.
I feel the fact that such benign actions as putting a few stickers up and driving a van with a website address on it would not have resulted in a court case unless that benign behaviour had somehow been extremely effective in it's purpose. So what I have just written is simply confirmation of what was already self evident.
This has left me with a little sense of pride if that's ok to say. I am a humble man and have no real concept of what being proud actually is. I have had no real previous cause to be proud of anything much. But now at last there is something. And I think it's something I badly needed. I am well aware pride comes before the fall, and is a major reason why I have not previously had time for such things. But just this time, just this once, I think it might be ok to have just a little of something that could give me hope.
To know which sign Teagan found gives me a memory of a moment to treasure for the rest of my life. I am so grateful that this particular gaping hole in my life has been filled. And filled with love and hope. Nothing could ever make me regret putting that sticker in that one special place. It was meant to be. I personally witnessed the lazy wardens drive right past it who were instead distracted to the decoy on the other side of the road.
If the wardens had only got out of their new and expensive pretend police car and walked both sides of the pavement round the school circuit they would have found the sign that Teagan found. The love and dedication to make contact with my child triumphed over the laziness of the forces of darkness on the opposing side. Love will always conquer the darkness. It has to be this way for life to be worth it. I will never ever forget that moment now. Miracles can indeed happen. Perhaps God himself made the wardens miss that sign? It was outside a Christian school under his watchful eye after all was it not?
Yeah, the direction and content of this website is going to change now. I'm not going to delete how things felt in desperate times when I had nothing to hold onto. They are the proof of how much I care and I am ashamed of none of it. But something wonderful has now happened and it is my duty to my little girl to build on this first positive confirmation she knows who her Dad is. It could now never be said that Teagan's Dad showed no interest in his one and only little girl and that conversely he cared so much he acted in a unique and stunningly effective way causing the minimum possible disruption.
Teagan will know her Dad's love for her triumphed over the opposition from the rest of the world, even if only for a magic moment in time. That can never be taken away from her and makes me happier inside than I have ever known before. When Teagan is old enough to realize the significance of what she was clever enough to find, she too will have a moment to cherish for the rest of her life. What parent wouldn't be happy be with such an achievement? What little girl wouldn't be delighted to discover she has a Dad who loves her?
In not so much time Teagan will recall the moment she found the link to her Dad as one of the most precious moments of her life. The moment she found out that she had a Dad who loved her! What more precious moment could a little girl have to cherish for the rest of her life? Who would want to take such a moment from an innocent child? I hope no such force so dark exists to be able to answer that question but soon we will all find out if there is.
12/09/21 18:09
At last something really positive. During the call with my solicitor it was revealed that my case papers had arrived and a copy of them was sent to me. This was the first time I could see or know the extent of the evidence against me and any effects of my attempts to inform Teagan who her Dad is. And I have to say what I have seen has cheered me up considerably.
It appears that I gave Lucy too much credit and respect for she has made numerous mistakes. I obviously cannot divulge any of them at the moment but suffice to say I will be able to prove through a combination of evidence, witnesses and pure reason that there are many lies in her statements. And there is a critical fabrication that was absolutely required for any chance of the minimum definition of harassment to stick.
I am a little surprised at how the CPS appears to have effectively set Lucy up by standing by a sequence of events that simply was not possible. Are they really that careless? I appreciate I know the events more clearly than anyone else, but the surprisingly impossible claim jumped out of the page so easily.
That's really all I feel I can say at the moment regarding details. My suspicion of the forces of darkness trying to gain a (fairly trivial) conviction being purely with a restraining order in mind has been confirmed by the paperwork. That's why the need for the fabrication existed. I am now reasonably confident a conviction will be impossible.
This is also the first time there is clear indication that the website is not a legal problem or issue. There is no mention of it being anything other than a legal information system with no intentions to try to shut it down. The only objection was the one line that was used out of context to arrest me which I put back into context and this was accepted without further questioning. I modified the language used as agreed, but kept the overall meaning of the same contextual statement exactly the same.
It is reasonable to conclude that for a first website covering such incredibly difficult and painful material, for there to be just one line with language a little too strong that was willingly edited, that it has been as honest and as well meaning a venture as I claim. It has fulfilled it's objective as an effective solution to provide Teagan a link to her Dad causing the minimum distress and disruption possible.
So with the website looking safe and the case against me looking most unconvincing, I must try to build some hope again. The last few days without any information and the possibility of the court case being days away have been crushing. I should have checked that the case could not possibly take place at such short notice before the evidence had been seen. That would have saved me a lot of inner pain.
12/09/21 17:39
Yesterday I had to contact my solicitor even though it's the weekend to clarify whether or not the actual trial will take place on 21st September. It will not. It will more likely be around January. So there will be plenty of time to properly prepare the defence as well as exploit the numerous failings and mistakes in this case and there are many. The initial hearing is to simply enter the not guilty plea and is so trivial the solicitor won't even need to be physically present.
This means the pressure building over the last few days was for nothing really, except perhaps to find out if I had somehow adapted to the situation. I clearly haven't, its just as painful and terrifying as its always been, its just that I have got better with distractions in recent times. Past few days excepted of course.
So the bad news is I got to stay with the daily torture inflicted by Lucy and her police for several weeks at least. That will give me time to get my affairs in order for things like Will writing which shouldn't really be done in the last few days and while in distress. Such a document may not even be valid. This I must do when I find a calm period.
The good news is Teagan will be a full eight and a half years old by then. At this point every week could make the difference in her becoming aware of what has been taken from her, and how the system are trying to make sure she never gets to meet her Dad. A full term will have passed in her new year at school with all the possible opportunities for her to find things out from her friends.
This is something I have to try to hang onto. As each day passes Teagan is closer to being able to force the changes so that she can see her Dad. Each day may be painful for me, but the chances for Teagan to want her Dad in time must slightly increase.
I wrote this post yesterday but delayed putting it up till today. Today is a completely different day as the next post will show.
10/09/21 18:11
I'm sensing a pull of love from my two recently lost friends. A love I cannot find here on Earth. A love I so desperately need. But the danger of leaving now is uncertainty Teagan will never know who her Dad was because without my presence this website on which all hopes hang cannot be guaranteed to survive until she has found and understood it's content.
I will leave an entire copy of the website in a Will which I will have to make shortly but even then Teagan could still be lied to about the reasons for why her Dad could not be there for her. To leave her in no doubt as to the reasons why require the picking of an unambiguous date. The one day that could leave her in no doubt is her birthday. But that's a long time away again now.
A pending court case for the act of trying to make contact with her is another such unambiguous time. But I feel the court case must complete for the full records and documentation to be produced and to be further evidence for Teagan when she is allowed to see it. And with the only entry on my criminal record to be my attempt to make contact with my Teagan just before I succumbed to the formalized unliveable cruelty, this should be enough to guarantee she gets the truth of why her Daddy was permanently taken away from her.
I now have switch off from reality and distract myself as much as possible for just a few days more. A few more days in hell is a small price to pay for making sure Teagan knows that while others will show how it was in her best interest to never meet her Dad, she will see for herself that her Daddy loved her more than life itself and could not live without her. And it will be nothing at all to do with 'unrelated mental health reasons' as I'm sure the forces darkness will try to sell to her.
There is only one scenario in which I may not make it to the court case. And that is if my body and mind decide it cannot go through this terrible nightmare all over again. I have suffered this terrible nightmare every day for eight years. I had to relive every gut wrenching moment of the nightmare developing and maintaining this website. The prospect of having to relive every moment again and in public is terrifying. I hope I have the strength to face the nightmare once more so that Teagan gets the proof and evidence she will need to reverse engineer the truth from the lies she has been, and will continue to be told.
As the result of the court case is more or less irrelevant as regards my future, I have decided there is no need to go and spend money buying a suit and shirt and tie. There can be nothing more pathetic than totally breaking down mentally and perhaps even physically too while wearing a suit. I have no idea how my body will take coming face to face with the forces of darkness that have made my life hell. It's definitely going to traumatize me more than anything I have experienced before. So I think it is only fair to allow me to wear what is comfortable for what could be my last moments. I mean no disrespect to the court with this decision.
10/09/21 15:35
As the last few days tick by I can't help but reflect on the bigger picture. The more I think about it, the more the court case brings total closure to the eight year nightmare. As well as the situational factors previously posted, there are also the skills and qualities of Teagan's Dad to consider, and how they all ultimately counted for nothing.
I am degree qualified in computer science. I have skills to write any program of any type given enough time. I have developed a sophisticated LED effects system which is ahead of anyone else in the world. I noticed that a retired Microsoft Engineer (who wrote the Task Manager for Windows) has also dabbled with the same LEDs. But only using other libraries available to myself also. He has not yet written his own engine that can do what mine can do. With no other visible developers it would seem I am in distinguished company indeed.
But what use is the ultimate pretty LED effect light if my very own daughter is not allowed to have one? Why should other people be allowed to have this light if my own daughter isn't? How can a world that would deny a little girl the best colour effect written and made by her own Dad possibly deserve such a light?
And what use are computer skills, in particular information sharing programs on the internet, if I am not allowed to communicate with my own child over the internet? Nor to even be allowed to share information about who Teagan's Dad is and a little about him and why he isn't allowed to be there for her. What use is information sharing for others if a father cannot share information with his own child?
Is the reason this country is so short of skilled computer professionals because of the terrible implications for not being able to see their own children? I too would advise anyone to steer well clear of getting skilled in computers if it means you have to face the total loss of your children. There are much easier trades that entitle you access to your own children and I strongly suggest you take them.
I can do a little electronics too, but what use is this skill if it cannot be used to put a smile on Teagan's face? Should this skill only be used to put smiles on any child's face in the world except my own? Why would I want to do that?
I have never been unfaithful, although in fairness I never really faced an opportunity to test this. I have always strived to treat people as well as possible and never asked anyone to do anything that I wouldn't be prepared to do myself. I have always tried to help people wherever I possibly can. I have never been violent or otherwise tried to hold power over people. I have always been as honest as possible but that has had the penalty of making me a little gullible to lies. Such as when I was told Teagan was aborted by both Lucy and Bradley. I foolishly believed them. I was later told by Lucy that it was my fault for believing her. That it was somehow my responsibility to know that what she had told me was a lie.
And there lies the first clue that my skills and qualities have all summed to be totally worthless and without value or merit in the current world. Despite these skills and qualities, the sum total of all of them does not qualify me to see even a tiny glimpse of my only child's childhood. That must be to get life as wrong as wrong can be. To have failed on all counts so miserably is also impossible to grow old and live with.
It has become crystal clear that an opportunity exists to get away from a nightmare that by all pertinent measures is only going to get a lot worse. And a nightmare that is already killing me getting much worse removes all realistic hope of staying alive long enough to see Teagan when she has grown up. That makes ending the suffering a trivial decision. All that is needed is a final confirmation by the court.
The court case marks the end of the eternal suffering and that's why I am so looking forward to it. Who wouldn't want to see the end of an 8 year long nightmare from which there is no escape? I have to say it is liberating to leave a human being with no liveable options, for it is only then that the decision to get away from a nightmare becomes sufficiently easy to achieve.
Indeed in some twisted full circle analogy, I should perhaps be grateful to Lucy and the system for nullifying the worst of my life mistakes before I ever get to truly pay the price for any of them. I guess that's as close as one can get to a 'get out jail free' card. It would have been far more punishing if you had given me an incentive to grow old to make me face the consequences of my mistakes. How truly ironic pushing things too far can be right?
09/09/21 23:31
Dearest Teagan I don't know how much longer I can be here with you. The world is determined to make sure we never meet. I wish I could be there for you but they have pushed me into a corner from which there can be no escape. I have to roll the dice from time to time just to give me hope that mercy might exist in the higher realms. I cannot find any mercy in the world of darkness and the very act of seeking some just attracts more malice. That is why I have to roll the dice as everyone needs a little hope.
As such I can never know when the last thing I write will be. I want you to have a happy life even if the world takes your Daddy away. In another world I might be able to see you learn to walk, and to talk, and to see your lovely spirit grow. But this is not that world and it's a world that delights in making people suffer.
I can't say much more than I have already, but I also want to make sure I don't go anywhere without telling you how much I love you first. Please understand I can't make sense of nor live in a world that wants to make sure I miss every single moment of your childhood just for the pure malice of it. It is not right to try and live in the same world as someone with that much hate against the human being that made your life possible.
Since the system has backed Lucy's blackout of me without asking any questions or offering any help, perhaps it is indeed the case that I am the worst kind of person possible. After all I am being made to suffer the worst punishment possible. So if I am the worst kind of person then it must be that I don't really deserve to live. That's another reason I must roll the dice. To see if my number comes up and the world becomes free of a worst person.
I'm sorry your Dad is a worst kind of person. I never wanted it to be this way. I have to rely on the dice to give hope that better things can happen and that maybe I could become a good person that would have been allowed to see his only child. Have always got to have hope while still alive. I am crying in pain again as I write this to you. I hope the pain leaves me soon. I hope mercy is out there somewhere. Good night my beautiful girl.
I never knew having children was such a terribly painful process. If I had known I would never have had one. It is looking like the one mistake I cannot walk away from. Nothing could have prepared me for this. It's not at all as others seems to suggest. It's the worst thing that can happen to a man. There is no escape from the pain while staying here on Earth. The comfort must be elsewhere. It has to be as it doesn't make any sense here.
09/09/21 12:23
It is worth recording that over the last week or so I have gained a sense of inner calm and peace that I have never had before. Such a contrast to the agony and inner torment of earlier this year. Just a few days short of a year ago I was on the ragged edge as a result of the cluster headaches and the ensuing struggle to find a cure where none was acknowledged to exist whilst under this condition's terrible effects.
During this time I sent the letter to Lucy begging to see Teagan before I died. The cruel trick she played to try and finish me off was so nearly successful. Surviving that was even harder than finding the cluster headache cure. Then having to write this website which involved reliving every moment of the nightmare of how my only child was stolen for no reason. That pushed me well beyond my limits and I don't think I will ever fully recover from it.
And so to find some calm and inner peace after a year of unbelievable torment is quite a surprise. Perhaps it shouldn't be a surprise. The stage is set so that my suffering will soon end, one way or another. I know I have done my best for my Teagan but under a regime that takes pleasure in forcefully denying children their rights to their Dads, my best was never going to be quite good enough. Teagan will be in no doubt how much I cared about her and that means she can live her life knowing she had a Dad who loved her.
Every cloud has its silver lining they say and I have seen this to be true here. If Lucy and her system decide to deny Teagan ever meeting her Dad then that means there is no need to suffer waiting for Teagan's childhood to drain away nor endure the complications and decline of old age. All my major mistakes now no longer matter. Smoking, my greatest regret, will not be what kills me now. I have no pension either, but what a waste that would have been only to never make pension age. And what use would being a homeowner offer me now? Strangely all those major mistakes are now irrelevant. That's actually quite a relief.
Teagan will live her life knowing that both Lucy and the British system decided it was in her best interest to never meet her Dad. They will have to answer her questions about how never meeting her Dad was in her best interest. Those answers I could never have given her for I have no idea what they are. She will have proof of the situation through the evidence of the court case to come.
So with Teagan's best interests all looked after I will be free to join my lost friends in the realms where mercy and forgiveness exist, and pain and suffering are at an end. The calm has come from the lack of doubt and clarity of the situation at hand. Until the Dad stealing has the full system stamp of approval I have to consider the possibility that my fears may be a little paranoid. The court case will shortly clarify the situation fully, and will provide proof of this in black and white as further evidence for Teagan as she tries to find the answers to her questions.
08/09/21 19:13
I didn't mention before as there's enough bad news doing the rounds, but I lost a dear friend a few days ago. The only friend I had in my home town that I could visit and talk to whenever I needed to. And now today I learn that the lovely lady who held a party in the springtime and who got me into the festival in Cornwall has taken her own life. I do hope the Teagan story didn't contribute but I know the situation deeply upset her. Most of the good people I know are gone now. Only malice and sadness seem to remain.
I suppose then the court case is quite good timing. I will find out quickly if there's anything left to stay alive for. I am sure the court will act in Teagan's best interest. If the court decides Teagan does not need me for her entire childhood then it must also follow that she wont need me when she is older either. She can't go from not needing me at all to suddenly needing me just because she grew up. This factor is the saving grace of this unliveable situation, it means there is no need to complete the horrific 3000 day sentence waiting for my only child's childhood to drain away. There is always a positive way to look at things.
The loss of the best people I know is a sign that my turn must be soon. I think its the only way for everyone to be happy anyway. I simply have no interest to live in a world of malice that takes pleasure in torturing an innocent little girl's Daddy before she ever got to meet him. I have this strange sense there might be a reason why the good people are all dying. Perhaps something terrible is on its way such that the time to leave the stage is now. I will ponder this possibility some more.
05/09/21 08:37
I think I have figured out why I'm looking forward to the court case. It is not because I will in any way enjoy it, in fact I know I'm going to breakdown completely as the agony of what has happened is relived once more. It is because life without the court case is far more terrifying than with it. The court case represents something happening while its absence is the far more soul destroying consequences of nothing happening.
The otherwise frightening decline in my health is actually now of some comfort. My body has told me it can't physically do another eight years of this torture and mentally as a human being I'm not equipped for this kind of limit case cruelty either. The court case is welcome because it leaves the mark required so that Teagan may find out who her Dad was and how and why he could not survive without her in his life. It leaves me free to escape the unlimited malice and find some mercy where it cannot be found while alive.
And so my focus now must be on staying alive long enough to get this court case done and prepare and post as much information for Teagan as possible since she isn't going to get details about her Dad from anywhere else. There will be enough evidence for Teagan to see why her Dad couldn't live with the unrelenting torture forced on him by her Mum and her system supporters. I am quite sure Teagan would not have wanted me to suffer for the full sixteen years required by the forces of darkness.
Of course I might be surprised. Someone in authority might look at this and see that what is being done is clearly not in Teagan's best interest. This extremely remote possibility would not exist if there was no court case. Or someone might see the whole picture for what it is and realise that Teagan's Dad badly needs an incentive to keep him alive. I suppose it will all come down to whether it is in Teagan's best interest if he lives or if he is pushed to die. That decision is already in the hands of others.
If it transpires that it is actually in Teagan's best interest that her Dad is killed off before she ever gets to meet him, then that is how it must be, because the best interests of the child must come first. The consolation here is that it will only be the tail end of life with its implicitly diminished quality of life that will be lost.
The court case ultimately represents a form of closure. The situation will be resolved one way or the other and I will finally know for sure if there is any hope of living long enough to see my only child. Once that is known and if it is not to be, then at least I may rest in peace knowing I did everything I reasonably could, and that the world was indeed as malicious and unliveable with as it has felt all this time. Getting away from this nightmare will be much easier once it has been shown in court to be in Teagan's best interest. And then at last my torment and suffering will be over.
I now know for sure that following the official family court route would have simply added another layer of torture that I could not have coped with over the maximum possible time, therefore not achieving anything for the pain and costs endured. The family court route is impotent in cases where malice is the driving motivation of the mother. Any reasonable mother would have reassessed the situation and seen that it was clearly in the child's best interest for things to be resolved. The complete lack of any form of rational discussion or reasonable negotiation proves this worst case scenario to be true.
The strange thing about unrelenting malice is it won't actually be me paying the price. My time is almost over and it will be Teagan, and Teagan alone, who will live with the nightmare of how her Daddy was permanently removed from her. It will come to pass that the real victim of Lucy's malice will be a lifetime of torment and unanswerable questions for her own child. Perhaps that is the fitting outcome for this tale since at that point Teagan will no longer be my daughter, she will be Lucy's child alone. My child would never have been subjected to an entire childhood of lies.
And with that sharing of my deepest thoughts and understandings I must necessarily place closure on such thinking from here onwards. My task now and in what remains of the future is to try to keep myself as distracted as possible until the court case is over. I haven't been able to update the site much over the last couple of weeks because of the need to process what has been shared in this post. Until I could concisely express these thoughts I could not fully throw myself into the short term distraction mode required to get through the next few months. But now this has been done and recorded as accurately as can be, it is time to go full distraction mode. If my posts from now are a little different and less frequent in appearance then this is the reason why. I can't distract from the torment all the time I'm maintaining this website for what should be obvious reasons.
03/09/21 21:20
It's a strange thing to be looking forward to a court case that was not of my choosing. I have no real idea what to expect. All I really have is my sense of right and wrong which has served me well for over 50 years. And the strength of my conviction to do anything for my only child regardless of the rules and malice of a brutal regime. And the fact I cannot escape the fact that I am a human being and therefore the instinct and bond between parent and child cannot be legislated against. If human nature itself has become criminalized then I guess to be a good citizen requires one to have abandoned his humanity. I would rather be a criminal in that case.
I am going to have to tidy the site up a little. The number of wishes on the front page for Teagan to have her Dad has exceeded one hundred wishes and there was no special commemorative butterfly as I hoped to add. This increased support for Teagan to know her Dad took me by surprise. I have been cautious to mess around with the code too much for several reasons. Firstly I wasn't sure if the website would survive and I know it has been looked at, but it seems to have passed all the tests as to date not a single complaint has been received. Not much point investing a lot of time in skills that would be worthless if the internet cannot be used to share such important information as a child's parentage.
But the site has survived and stood up well to presumably much scrutiny and this can only increase as the court case begins. I will hold off major code improvements until after the court case. I need to coalesce some articles such as Teagan's birthday and Christmas present proofs. Those could all be combined into a single article. Then a new article must be started covering the court case. I also need to update the history page with the relevant events of recent weeks.
I really want to post up the charge sheet and discuss fatally flawed aspects of it but that would only give the forces of darkness chances they don't deserve. I need to discuss this surreal document with my solicitor before I post anything about it here. I will say that every single person I have shown it to has had a similar reaction of disbelief. Every mother I have spoken to has praised my actions and given their full support. And I have spoken with quite a few since the website was launched.
I honestly have not yet met a single real person who thinks what I have done is wrong. The single Mums have gone one step further, they have shared their wish that the father of their own child might have cared to act as much as I have. I have the full support of the single Mums too.
In truth as an oddball kind of character I don't often attract popular unanimous support like I have over this fight for Teagan to know her Dad. It's a little unnerving to be honest. Have I become normal or something after a lifetime of trying to hone my weirdness? I suppose if there is a time to have a such wide ranging support it is now and in this fight for my little girl's happy future. At least I didn't fall into the trap of doing nothing. And at a minimum Teagan will know her Dad did something completely original and was prepared to take on the world to make contact with her.
That's more important to me than anything. And I won't stop until my dying breath. Like I said at the start, if you want to steal my only child with no comeback whatsoever, then you will have to shoot me. As you would any reasonable parent whose child was stolen for no reason. I will not willingly stand by and do nothing. I will follow whichever path can be reasoned to be most effective. Until my dying breath.
Of course if I find out that Teagan is aware of the website and that I am her Dad then no more action needs to be taken. If this is the case and website survives then I must simply wait until Teagan chooses to make contact with me. Her wishes must come first. The only way to find this most important detail out is to be taken to court. Which is exactly how things have played out. From facing eight or more years trying to achieve this same objective via the family courts we appear to have found a way to solve the biggest problem in just six months. And not a Covid delay in sight.
What an extraordinary turn of events. What an inspiration for other children who have to live with the truth of their Dads concealed for their entire childhoods. What a chance to bring attention to the currently permitted child stealing without reason scandal that this case exposes. What a privilege to have the opportunity to fight lies and darkness with truth and light. What an honour it is to go to these lengths for my one and only Teagan.
02/09/21 08:23
I found out at the festival that my health has not improved as I hoped. I was unable to dance for even a moment as I needed all the energy I had just to stay alive in the field. This lack of health confirms the likelihood I will never see Teagan, and Teagan will never get to see her Dad. This I already knew and is the primary reason this site exists so that Teagan may at least know who her Dad was and how much he cared.
This is also why the court case is such good news. Whatever the result there will be a record that I am Teagan's Dad, and a record that she will be able to find one day, even if this website should not survive. A record that would not exist otherwise. Furthermore Lucy's own claim that I am Teagan's Dad will now be a matter of official record where prior to the launch of this website there was no record at all. No-one will be able to tell myself or Teagan that writing and launching this website was the wrong thing to do.
The ultimate wrong doing at stake here was to deny a little girl the identity and nature of her Dad possibly for her whole life. This website has utterly destroyed that terrible possibility and so a wonderful use of technology and one for which I have no regrets at all in using. If the internet cannot be used to impart information as important as the identity of an innocent child's parentage, then it cannot contain any information of any real value whatsoever.
I utterly and completely stand by my actions and have no regrets whatsoever. There is a fundamental human duty to fight evil however inconvenient it may be and I am ready for the fight to come even though it will probably be my last fight in this malicious world. I have a duty to my child that is far higher priority than to conform to laws of malice in a dying empire.
I find myself having to thank the CPS for deciding to charge me and therefore give official recognition of the identity of Teagan's Dad. It was the last thing I expected them to do. To try and achieve this same objective through the family courts would have taken years. Years I simply do not have. And with no certainty of the all important result. Furthermore Teagan will see that my first and only criminal offence was simply to reach out over the internet to make contact with her. There can be no shame whatsoever in that. She will never see that as a criminal act and neither will I.
01/09/21 16:48
A week has gone by since my last entry. There is so much I would like to have written. I have to stay true to my mission of reporting just the truth but when it comes to legal matters one has to be a little guarded and careful. Not about the story of what has already happened, that is constant and unchanging. The fact that charges have been bought against me has not resulted in a single change to this website. I stand by every word I have written.
I took some time away from the computer, time I needed to take. I have completed my first completely encased lighting effect. It is stunning and a reminder of what I stand for in the fight to come. I will write an article for Teagan all about it once the forces of darkness get out of the way of a little girl's right to communicate with her own Dad.
I then took the completed light to a small festival near Bath for the bank holiday weekend. The kids there absolutely loved it. They were roaming around in groups looking for the sixteen million colour light, and when they found it the joy in their faces was clear to see. What a privilege it is to light up so many young faces. It also represents the hope that it could light up my little girl's life once the forces of darkness have been vanquished such that the light of truth can be seen.
Today I needed to sort out a solicitor for the court case to come. A few days ago I had appealed on social media for any recommendations. There was one name that was put forward by two different people. Today I sent an email describing the unique nature of this case asking if this named solicitor would like to take on the case. I am very pleased to report that the favoured solicitor is very interested in my case and has agreed to represent me. He is one who is very happy to go all the way as I fully intend. And so the first and perhaps most decisive step has now been taken. May the battle for Teagan's right to know who her Dad is begin!
24/08/21 10:20
Quick update: Totally unexpected, they are going to charge me! That would usually be bad news for a person feeling guilty of doing wrong, but since all I did was attempt to make Teagan aware she has a Dad and who he is, and why he isn't there for her, I cant take the charges that seriously.
Win or lose, there will be an official record of who Teagan's Dad is and how much sacrifice he would make to prove how much he loved her. And that is something worth celebrating right now. More on this news when it has sunk in and the implications considered.
It took them 5 months to find fault in that which took 2 months to write. Everyone can be wiser with the benefit of that much hindsight.
Just been and shared the news with my Mum. Now she is a stickler for obedience of the law but also of honesty and courage to do the right thing. Even in the face of the charge sheet she has not wavered on her backing of what I have done. If my Mum and whole family are behind me, then I too am satisfied I have done no wrong. Certainly I am not equipped through my raising as a child nor my own conscience to see what wrong I have done here. Therefore I can't help but look forward to my time in court.
I will put up the charge sheet later and discuss what's written on it. Just as before it makes quite amazing reading with some very interesting implications. I will say only that it looks like a desperate rush job, with nothing really new added to the pre-charge accusations of significance. It doesn't even read like a crime, there's nothing in the wording to feel the slightest guilt about?
There is one clear implication of being charged with such weak accusations. It must be that the primary objective of making Teagan aware she has a Dad who loves her has been stunningly successful in some way. I have no idea of any details of this, and if for example there was great distress caused by the website, this information is utterly missing from the charge sheet I signed. If I had not been successful, and Teagan was still unaware I am her Dad, then these charges would never have been brought to bear.
I can clearly show I was provoked into making and launching this website, and that even though I obeyed the bail conditions placed on me, the Wieland family certainly did not. And now there is no question that Amy Wieland will be called upon to provide evidence for the court. Harassment must be something that is unprovoked and undeserved and I can trivially show proof of the ultimate and limit case provocation done to me. I am surprised Lucy wants to involve other members of her family but the charges indicate she has no problem with this.
Recognition that I am Teagan's Dad could only have come from this being taken to court where Lucy's declaration of this fact will become a matter of official record that Teagan will find one day even if all else fails. Have shown the charge sheet to a few friends now and all fail to see any wrong doing in any of the wording present. I am going to have to reluctantly defer posting the charge sheet up until I have taken legal advice, but it will make it here soon I'm sure.
Just realised I will now be entitled to a copy of that remarkable interview tape where it is officially acknowledged I am Teagan's Dad! I would have paid anything for that. I have to admit I am really surprised at this outcome. All the evidence indicated a disposal decision was being sought. What must have changed their minds? It's all very intriguing, I'm happy with the CPS charging decision, I hope the other involved parties are too. If we have found some common ground we can all agree with, maybe there is hope of building on such a foundation towards acting in Teagan's best interest at last?
24/08/21 08:05
Over the last few days I have thrown myself into light building activity and helping out a friend in difficulty. This has also been a chance to test the adaptations necessary to survive in an environment where men have no rights to children, and children have no rights to their father. So far everything is holding up well.
But today is bail surrender day and since there has been no phone call to keep the punishment without crime rolling it looks like things may have resolved in some way. At worst the police want to aggravate the situation by simply deciding to keep the punishment rolling but by requiring me to be present they might try to provoke a reaction to try and get something on me. Or maybe they want to get me away from the flat so they could then come and plant something while I'm not there to make some charges up. Maybe I should leave some traps for such an eventuality?
Or it could be as the solicitor's letter suggests, that a disposal decision has been made. I was going to write an article exploring the options presented by the search results for possible disposal decisions. Most require either consent or admission of guilt and since I will give neither there are only two real options here. One is No further Action, and the other is really obscure. It is the wildcard of wildcards. It is only usable in alleged harassment cases and basically states that if I do whatever I did before again, however legal, then just for me, it will become an offence, for which I could be arrested for!
There's no constraints on this wildcard. It could literally be the angle you ate an ice-cream at. But the one thing it must be, being a wildcard of wildcards, is it must be a specific thing. And I have no intention of doing the exact same thing again. It could not for example be an order to desist from attempting to communicate with Teagan in any way. It cannot be used to make any action a person might reasonably do illegal just for that person with no foundation nor basis for such discrimination.
While writing this I just got the confirmation text message that I am to appear at the police station shortly so this is a clear indication that the rolling remote bail extensions are at an end. That's a good thing all round for reasons I will put into an article later.
Well I am in good mood and positive spirit and confident of the legality of my actions to break the blackout of a loving Dad from his innocent child, and ready for what the forces of darkness may have in store for punishing a loving Dad further. Whatever happens I will report it all here so that one day Teagan will know everything about who stopped her from seeing her Dad and why.
20/08/21 10:23
Stayed on track yesterday and this morning although not very productive. Gaining some hope that I am at last adapting to the situation. Unless I can find and hold some stability I am not going to be able to present myself as a Dad Teagan would want to see. It was essential to show the raw emotion to show how much I care but that has now been done and recorded as it needed to be. This is actually another achievement that I am only just recognising.
I just bought a ticket to an amazing camping event near Bristol. Would have been lovely to take Teagan and her family but there are too many dark forces preventing such a happy time. Maybe they don't like camping so wouldn't have come anyway. I bought the posh ticket that includes meals every day and the all important ice supplies to keep cool boxes and their contents cool and fresh. At least I will get to spend time and play with my friend's lovely kids who I spent much time with during my last visit to Bristol.
I realise there is something significant about the current bail date that expires in four days. Given that wording change, from the CPS making a charging decision to a disposal decision I can reasonably expect the rolling bail to come to an end. Conversely, if even after the wording change and the extra week given, if the bail rolls again I can reasonably conclude they are straight up abusing the bail process to punish maliciously without charge. At that point and by advice of my solicitor I will be lodging a formal complaint to the CPS, and as a sign of obvious malice against me I will step up the campaign in response. Lucy and I need to be made to talk and resolve this, not forced to prevent resolution and apply pressure to a volatile situation. That is clearly not in Teagan's best interest.
Got an eye test today. Not looking forward to it as I know my eyesight has crashed. One thing scaring me is if the rate of loss of eyesight continues at the rate of the last couple of years, then I will probably be blind before Teagan grows up. That's another reason I have to see Teagan before this time. Also why I must hurry up with building these lights, the precision required is already well beyond my natural vision and only possible with extreme magnification which I can only bear in short bursts to avoid headaches.
Also it would be good to have the light finished so I can take it to the camping event. The kids absolutely love this light and with solar recharging I will be able to display it as often as desired. Feel like I am doing all I can to make the best of the situation. Might be a good idea to think ahead and renew my passport, for travelling abroad might be the way to get through the upcoming winter. If they try to extend the rolling bail to prevent this then I will just go abroad anyway. That's another good reason to get the CPS complaint in. Extra evidence to show abuse of power to the point it could no longer be complied with.
18/08/21 22:25
Back on track at last. That needed documenting as it happened as is typical. There's no defence against that. I had done all I could to make this a good day to chain from the good day of yesterday. That would usually have worked in any situation that didn't involve the severing of my only child. I have to admit there's simply no counter to the feelings and emotions that this limit case cruelty automatically triggers.
With that in mind I'm going to have to accept that I am not going to be able to string good days together. Am just going to have to make use of the good days and cancel out the bad days like today best I can until I find another solution. Was definitely better to sedate than to take the mental health damage of facing the malice straight. Damage I would still be taking now. I don't like tranquilisers but today that worked well.
Am going to try to refrain from writing the same things repeatedly from now on. Event sequences like today happen fairly often, and in a diary that means they get repeated, but that's not helpful for this online perspective. If I'm quick enough with the boosted tranquilisers then maybe the sequence wouldn't get as far as it did today.
I have always been reluctant to take tranquiliser like drugs and I realise now that seemingly good principle has not served me at all well recently. The inverse approach of downing a pill at the slightest sign of trouble would actually have served me a lot better. It's a bit like the proclaimed values of parent and child relations where the reality has been found to be the complete inverse.
So today has been lost but at least no longer in pain and got to be thankful for that. The cluster threat timer's relentless ticking down of the counter has been weighing on my mind but I really do believe I have done everything I can to avert the return of this.... I struggle to find the words... best just to leave as condition.
I have to conclude that anyone who has suffered clusters who found a way to survive it will be forever changed by it. Strangely mostly for the better. You're just so thankful its not there and you no longer fear death. I would know if I met a fellow cluster headache survivor. I would be able to see it in their eyes. I have met a few people claiming to have suffered them in unconvincing manner. None of them had the look in the eyes I know to look for. None of them could speak of the terrible timing nature of the attacks and everything about them.
The only thing you fear after surviving cluster headaches is their possible return. Nothing else is close to be afraid of. Which in itself is very empowering. See how strange it is that mostly good things come from surviving a terrible situation? This was true for clusters. It certainly has not been true from losing my only child. Nothing at all good has come from that. Except gaining the long overdue basic website writing skills. Maybe I wouldn't have a van either. That's about it though. But those are something. At the start of writing this paragraph I was sure there was nothing. How about that for spontaneous writings?
I will have to think about why those good things are good results from a nightmare situation and see if I can find more candidates. I'm writing this in the evening to try and end this lost day on a positive note.
18/08/21 11:08
I don't understand. I was so sure I could build on the positivity of yesterday but find myself shaking uncontrollably in physical and mental pain once more. This punishment by Lucy and her police is beyond words, I have already used all the words I can to describe it but nothing can truly describe the feeling of being severed from your only child for purely malicious reasons. The only way forward for today is to tranquilise. I should have taken one earlier but I had to hold onto the hopes of yesterday as long as I could. Why does nothing positive I try work?
I realise in these moments that I was right to abandon Christianity with its false promises of compassion and mercy. While I have been tortured relentlessly by this brutal system not a single person has come to my aid. Christians are the most likely group to stand by and watch while evil does it's thing. By far the most complicit with evil of all the man-made religions. I so hoped I was wrong but inside I sadly knew I was right.
Even Teagan's school with it's worthless Christian values seems to have stood by and done nothing to serve Teagan's best interest. They too will be complicit in child abuse if Teagan never gets to meet her Dad. They can't claim they didn't know the details of the story and yet they will be full of excuses as for why they didn't have the courage or authority to do the right thing. Many words but backed by zero action.
The only good part of all this is that under the extreme stress of relentless torture there is no way I need to fear the ageing process no matter what transpires. This kind of suffering can only last so long, my body simply can't take it, and I'm getting clues this is the case more and more frequently. One way or another this hellish existence can't last much longer. I think death by stress related causes is reasonably likely to be quick and that at least is something to look forward to.
I will describe what I just had to do only once. When I realise there is no escape from internal pain so bad I just want to end my life, I have to take a strong tranquiliser. But they aren't strong enough unless I take a lot which would increase my tolerance unacceptably. So I have to drink strong alcohol to multiply the effect until it works. There is a risk of death from combining tranquilisers with strong alcohol which I have to take every time I find myself in this place with no way out. The risk is combining breathing depressants such that there is a risk of falling asleep and not waking up. Practically the only merciful option available to me. That chance each time I have to do this, however small, is one of my only reasonable ways out of this unliveable situation.
Before the last year of torment I never used to drink at all. For all my life I have intensely disliked the stuff, but now when I have no answers for the torment put on me, I have had to embrace anything that can lessen the pain of living. I took the pill/drink combo just in time to stop total internal breakup. My eyes watered up but the wash of tranquillity stopped the uncontrollable crying in agony phase I cannot face anymore. That means the dangerous combination was exactly the right solution this time.
Now I get to go and rest and dream of waking up in a better world rather than be pulled apart by total physical and mental breakdown. It's never a hard decision to make. I will always choose the option that offers the most hope.
18/08/21 08:30
I really want to turn this whole campaign positive but I have to share the great obstacle for which I currently have no answers. Every morning without fail I awake with this terrible twisted up pain and anger and unquenchable need for justice. Completely automatic there's literally nothing I can do about it. I would do anything to wake up without this feeling.
I really understand now what drives human beings to extremist behaviour and action. I can confirm it is absolutely not a choice. The desire to die if necessary for justice is not some honourable sacrifice as I thought it may have been. It's just the only way to get away from waking up and feeling like this. I do fear that ultimately this inescapable feeling will determine the outcome of this story. I have no desire to go through years more of this at this declining stage of life.
To compound my problems further I have become aware that just like this time last year, my behaviour has been modified by an inner unconscious fear of the approach of the cluster headache anniversary. The only lasting legacy since last years cluster attack is my need to change the light bulbs every day from daylight to warm white colour temperatures. If I forget I get the tugging at the back of my eyeballs as a warning to change them and this happens without fail.
Everything about cluster headaches is about time. The vulnerable time is near the autumn solstice as the light levels drop. That's when I got hit last year. I believe I have done all I can to avoid the return of this condition except to get away from this cursed dark housing association cell. But the condition is so terrible that a sufferer has no option but to live in fear of its return. I know that if it does return and I am unable to treat it then combined with this terrible stealing of my only child that life will then be totally unliveable. There is no doubt that this will be the end of my story in this hellish world.
Because of this terrible timing of clusters I will know if my time is up just before the solstice. I'm not going to lookup the exact date, but its less than a month away now. I'm not going to be able to write goodbyes once the attacks have started, so I guess I need to change my focus from the need for justice to leaving as much information for my dearest Teagan as possible.
Part of me wants the clusters to return to prove to me that my life is over and I can get away from this nightmare. Nobody survives cluster headaches for long therefore limiting the agony. But if any human being has got a chance against this terrible condition it is me. I can't say why because the world is far too malicious to allow a human being the chance to escape this terrifying condition.
But the constructive reality is I know more about this condition than the entire medical profession and so will probably escape its deadly grasp. It's hard being rational about something so terrifying it instantly answers the question as to whether there are things worse than death. Timing is both the terrible strength of the cluster headache condition, but also its only weakness. If I can avoid its comeback till the end of September then I will almost certainly be free at least for another year.
I kept a diary of the cluster attacks from last year to bring the medical profession up to speed but because the solution didn't fit with their prejudices they ignored my evidence. This year I have this diary to record events in the run-up to the vulnerable time. If I do succumb to this terrible condition then I will make last years diary available on this site so that the full story of the last year of my life will be fully documented for Teagan and whoever else wants to see.
Right, had to get all this down while I could, and now I need to get on and do some positive work on the light box. Got to complete the woodwork challenge as now more than ever I need something amazing to leave my daughter for her to remember me by. The only consolation of the approaching cluster anniversary is that my suffering to come may be limited to around a month from now. After all I have suffered that's a strangely comforting thought.
One interesting factor in this is that my next rolling bail condition notice could be my last. It would be fitting for my story to end whilst under the injustice of being continually punished without any charges being made. It will certainly be seen as a contributing factor. If the bail conditions do roll over again and the clusters come back, then my only chance of seeing my only child before I die will be to break these conditions. The stakes will be through the roof but this time the consequences will all be irrelevant.
I must not plan for this eventuality, indeed I have reasonable rational cause to believe that the clusters will not return so there is no point dwelling on this. If it does happen then things will automatically play themselves out with no planning required. I must plan for survival instead as that is the only state where plans make any sense.
17/08/21 13:21
As the morning has worn on I have become increasingly aware of the incredible opportunity that sits right in front of me. The significance of this amazing piece of luck is still sinking in. I have the LED effect system all completely written. I have the electronics figured out to safely power these effects. The one great obstacle was making the cases to turn the fragile workbench demonstration into a sturdy and viable product. I have searched high and low using all the relevant terms in the online market places. Nothing except basic straight sections of LED strip channelling were found.
That is why I resolved to build a case out of wood with no prior woodworking skills or equipment. It is almost impossible to build your own things cheaper than it costs to buy a mass produced item and so involves high costs. At least £200 so far for my minimal wooden box and electronics. That's cool though, cost is no object for such an amazing light and the process of gaining some woodworking skills will serve me well. And being battery powered its highly portable. But if only I could have creatively shaped LED strip channelling with stand and the critical diffuser strip to make the effect something soothing rather than something to run away from.
If only someone else mass produced such a frame to show my lighting effects at their best? So whilst browsing in The Range yesterday you will perhaps share some of the impact of the stunning surprise I got when I turned round a corner and saw a range of lights like this:
This one was boxed and the only one not unboxed and on display. I never even opened it to have a look. There was only one left and compulsion took over. The channelling on this case is three metres long which represents the ultimate length for my effect. This was not a good choice for a first effort but I so love the white light as it is I have already decided to buy another one to pull apart and make my own.
But when did these appear? If I could have been shown these earlier that would have helped distract from the suffering. I have seen no hint of these lights already have been manufactured. Now they are sitting in shops. They are all over e-bay too with ceiling table and floor versions. Everywhere. Was I just plain blind and very unlucky or have they just mass appeared out of nowhere? I suppose it doesn't matter now, they are here now, and my software and electronics are ready to go.
I always felt that if these things were to appear, then they would first appear in simple forms to test the market. Just plain white LED's with no effects and not even dimming functions etc. Just a light with fancy frame that you turn on or off. Just like this.
I can honestly say I have never before had the luck of being in the right place at the right time for anything that has fitted with the world outside. And to get even a shred of luck when most needed would have been most welcome. This story of the fight for my Teagan needed just such a shred of luck for there to be any hope for a future. The content so far has unfortunately been necessarily painful and does not show Teagan what she is missing. This piece of luck empowers me to do just that at the time it was needed most. That is why this is so lucky that it is taking a long time to fully sink in. It's still sinking in while I'm typing this. I have never known luck like this before and must take full advantage.
Do the Gods favour this attempt to illuminate the darkness of Teagan's blackout from her Dad so much that the means of making the greatest lights ever seen have now been placed at my fingertips with all the technical and manufacturing challenges resolved? Well I have to be able to dare to dream, but it sure feels comforting in some way. How wonderful it would be if a happy ending could be resolved by the effects of the prettiest lights ever seen? Pretty lights of a different kind once helped get me my only other piece of good luck but that one is hard to see in the darkness right now. Perhaps a stunning new light of different kind will illuminate the shadows so that I may be united at last with my best ever but unseen and unknown piece of luck, my beautiful daughter Teagan.
I am overjoyed to be able to report something that is both true and positive in such difficult circumstances. Obviously a lighting case does not make up for the loss of my only child in any way, but it does give me something amazing to do that Teagan will be able to see. And if Teagan can see that I'm doing happy things, then she will want to make contact sooner than if all she sees is sadness. I have always known this but the situation is so cruel that no happy moments can be found nor shared and so the whole thing becomes a self fulfilling prophecy of doom. And so even knowing of the trap, finding the trap inescapable has been the second most terrifying thing I have ever faced after cluster headaches.
There was literally nothing I could do myself to escape the trap. For the first time in my life I absolutely needed a break, a shred of luck from an external domain. And I do believe, the existence of this light, and others like it, could just be that shred of luck. A real chance to turn this story around. I'm hoping as much as everyone out there that this is indeed the case.
17/08/21 09:09
How strange the human need for sense of justice is. By myself I cannot get justice for the cruelty shown to Teagan and myself, the great losers in this war of malice. But the need for justice is unquenchable and cannot be walked away from. Now I see why people do the desperate things they do for that sense and need for justice. You simply can't take on the state that has wronged you and get the justice you need to be able to switch off and get on with your life. This is the funnel forcing a human being to desperate action.
But another country or other powerful organization can take on that which has wronged the individual. Even if the cause is completely unrelated. The need for justice is so great that these details don't really matter. As long as justice feels like it has been served by any means available. Any which way will do.
Just watching the reactions of the powerhouse that has wronged Teagan and myself was enough to see how much it hurt. How deserving that those that wilfully hurt others are now hurting themselves. The malice shown by the police with their infinitely rolling bail conditions on me will be far outstripped and avenged by the effects of what happened in Afghanistan on those who have tormented me.
The moral arguments of this country are made worthless by it's terrible practice of encouraging and backing Dad/child stealing, and even torturing the Dad so that he stands a good chance of dying before he ever meets his child. A country with zero moral high ground has no business interfering in other countries especially on a hypocritical moral basis.
So yeah, strange though it is for someone with no interest in politics, the current state of affairs are moving in exactly the right direction for that badly needed sense of justice. I'm not proud of any of this, any of the causes nor any of the effects. I would far prefer to be devoting my time and resources to my beautiful daughter and only child. But inhumane treatment and human rights abuses of the gravest kind have a way of redefining and changing a person into something else. We all have to adapt to survive and to be able to obey unjust rules. One cannot be held in a permanent state of injustice.
As a direct result of this strange sense of justice against the empire that has harmed me so brutally, I was actually able to switch off from the otherwise unrelenting malice and get on with some positive activity. I went out to do some shopping to get some basic van furniture to improve my capability to get out of the housing association cell and move to a life on the road. I got to assemble and fit it and that will give me plenty to do with my hands.
Then came a huge break. In this same shop I discovered a display of LED lighting. Exotic cases with effective diffuser coverings for the same type of LED strips that I have written the advanced effect programs for. The light strips themselves are the boring pure white with no dimming functions. That's no problem, I can rip those out and put in my advanced lighting system instead. It is the exotic cases I cannot do myself and the reason I'm currently building one from scratch out of wood.
All of sudden in a single day I get some sense of justice against the system of malice trying to crush me before I ever get to see my girl. And in that same day a whole new world of opportunity to do something amazing with my LED effect software. There is hope then. As long as life can provide some sense of justice against the ways of pure evil when I cannot act myself, then perhaps there can be reason to live with a little hope that eventually justice will fully be served in this case.
16/08/21 06:56
I see the news is better today. Overnight the evil empire seems to have lost control of Afghanistan and its poppy field income. That will be expensive. It has cost millions to maintain troops there to bring an illusion of democracy under force of violence by the empire that steals children for no reason. Perhaps the Afghans don't like these family destroying values imposed by force? I know that if I were given the option of rising up against such evil masters I would be morally compelled to take it.
When you have no moral high ground and yet still try to force your evil values on people who simply don't agree with your malicious ways then they will eventually rise up against you and overthrow your corrupt and morally bankrupt ways. So in addition to the losses on the Covid front you have now lost big time in Afghanistan with no hope for recovery and no real chance to strike back.
I don't share ideology with the Taliban, but due to the unfathomable cruelty shown to me, the old maxim the enemy of my enemy is my friend could never have been made more true. And for your puppet regime to flee the moment your nemesis appeared at the gates of the capital show just how committed you were to fight for your own shoddy and worthless values.
The speed of the morally bankrupt empire collapse in Afghanistan has been staggering. This will destabilise the whole area for decades to come. Now other countries sick of child stealer empire influence will see their opportunity and the empire colonies will fall like dominoes. Nothing is more richly deserved for the empires of malice.
Who would want to be ruled by child stealers? Not those in Afghanistan and not here either. The human right to raise your own children does not exist here. Children don't even have the human right to their Dads here. Children here can expect all the system around them to deceive them of the existence and love of their fathers. Their mothers, the police and even their schools will all do their best to keep the Dad hidden from the innocent child hoping that the pressure will kill the Dad off before the child ever gets to meet him. Exactly as is the case here. Who wants to be ruled by that kind of limit case evil? Not the Afghans for sure. And now they will never have to suffer such injustice as I have to suffer.
The balance of power shifts even further away from evil and that's got to be a good start to this day. I would love to wake up to a day where a child stealing regime had been ousted. It would be the day the injustice was overturned and I was finally united with my daughter.
This is an example of the consequences of malice without just cause. Instead of spending quality time with my daughter enriching her life experience I find myself having to seek out justice from completely unrelated things. Ordinarily I have no interest whatsoever in international politics or politics of any kind. It's in extraordinarily desperate times that a person has to look for consolation in the most unexpected places.
Especially when no such consolation nor humanity can be found at home. Cause and effect. Whomever opposes that which is unfathomably cruel to me without just cause has got to be seen as a friend or ally of some kind worthy of appreciation. I have no desire to seek pleasure in the suffering of others, but I find I have to adapt to survive in a world that most certainly does for me.
14/08/21 11:52
After a day triggered by that awful news I found myself forced to confront my own situation. There have been moments where I have terrified myself at the automatic human reactions to the unfathomable malice I have suffered. Unavoidable feelings and thoughts that I have no history of and therefore nothing to prepare me for confronting such reactions. All because I can't get my head around the need to make me miss every moment of my only child's childhood such that I have no memory of her as a child forever. The only way to deal with this extreme malice is somehow find a way to deflect its effects from my mind. Hardest challenge I have ever faced. I have found a way for eight years, all I got to do is find a way to get through the next couple of years
Teagan has the all important link to her Dad for when she is able to comprehend what she has been denied, That's the most important thing that I must never lose sight of. The chances of Teagan being able to make contact are vastly improved by the existence of this site. And all the other good things mentioned many times before.
I have this crazy idea that if I can somehow make myself play a role instead, rather than just be myself, then it might make the distraction strategies much easier. This could be anything I can imagine that would be of some enjoyment to play. Carefully chosen to maximise distraction from reality. I am capable of finding the perfect counters, so I should be able to do this if I put my mind to it. Maturing into myself has not helped at all here, and is the reason I am hurting so much and why the situation seems inescapable. We can't get away from our true selves especially once found. That's why I am caught in an inescapable trap.
But if I acknowledge that to be true to myself is far too painful, then finding and playing a role that better suits the circumstances seems a rational suggestion right?. Perhaps a life could be lived without the daily suffering of being truly myself? At the moment something like this looks like the only way I can get through the next couple of years until the information age and/or justice has it's effect.
I want to come back to this post and expand this idea more if it turns out to be feasible. It's the most positive option on the table at the moment and I got to get away from this keyboard for a while.
13/08/21 09:37
Well if ever a timely reminder for why putting human beings into unliveable situations were needed, now is just such a time. Obviously the exact circumstances aren't known, but anyone in my situation can't help but hazard at least a guess as to what kind of thing could have motivated such drastic action. The guess turned out wrong but was certainly plausible. Some content changed to reflect that.
Luckily for all of us you won't get that kind of response from me. It is true your cruelty and malice without end is deliberately provoking such a response, as you have for countless others, but a quick end is far too good for any of the guilty involved here. They need to suffer as they have made me suffer, and this must be done quite legally as has been done to me. None of those who have harmed me greatly are in particularly good health and they aren't going to get any better. Same as me I guess.
Indeed using the internet to get this story out there actively demonstrates an alternative to the automatically provoked reaction that appears to have played out once more today. Getting this horrific problem into the public eye enough to get things changed may well help prevent such tragedies in future. It is so fortunate that the internet was available to me to try to resolve that which cannot be walked away from. Others are simply not so lucky and can find no other liveable way out.
Because while it may seem easy to condemn a human being for their apparent bad choices, there is a point where the choices are gone and automatic reactions take over. Ultimately a human being can only be pushed so far before things aren't choices anymore. And until we acknowledge and accept this, and make laws to actually prevent human beings being put into and held in these terrible inescapable states, then situations like this will happen ever more frequently.
Looking at this story I now feel especially lucky I had the internet to turn to and provide a constructive link to my stolen child instead. I too felt the forced funnel into the only way out of the unliveable situation and had to cling on for dear life by my fingertips to avoid being funnelled into inevitable consequences. I implore you once more, change the child stealing system before there are more such tragedies. I am doing all I can to change it but I need your help too!
12/08/21 10:55
One factor I haven't given much consideration to yet is enlisting the friendly support I am sure I could raise. While circumstances may make it difficult for myself to get the message to Ashington, there is absolutely nothing stopping other people deciding to go for a day out where and when they please. Wearing whatever clothing they decide is appropriate for the day. Its not legal to take the (t) shirt off an innocent citizen's back as far as I'm aware. I wonder if I could appeal to those I have remained friends with from the great Balcombe protest of 2013. They are very capable people who stand up for the cause of justice and are very difficult and expensive to deal with in any numbers. As we have shown before.
I suppose in times like these one has to reflect on whatever resources can achieve whichever possibilities. And in times like these where one could really do with the help of perhaps large numbers of people, how one has behaved and respectfully treated the people they have met suddenly becomes a critical and possibly even decisive factor. And for leading an honest life and as luck would have it, I have met a great many people who I believe I have treated well and earned their trust and respect and friendship.
While in the worst case scenario I could find my visiting rights restricted, there is nothing at all stopping friends and even family of mine from visiting Ashington and perhaps even making themselves seen or heard there. And a vast array of creative options exist for them to express themselves effectively and perfectly legally, even if only for a while. Numbers of people attract attention and therefore simultaneously solve the advertising problems too.
I suppose these are the benefits of having made the personal sacrifices and having the integrity and intentions to do good for others as I have done. I have to use everything available to me. These assets from the consequences of integrity are potentially far more effective in achieving the critical objectives than my humble capabilities can achieve alone. I suppose I have only seen this as a personal battle so far, but there is no legal reason why this must remain the case. The harder I fight for my Teagan the more proud she can be of her Dad, and the more sure she can be of how much he loves her. The two primary objectives of this campaign lest we should forget.
The reason why the system wants to stop me making any contact is to put that doubt in Teagan's mind about just these things so that she will be sad when she is a little older and for the rest of her life. They will claim it is for her current 'happiness' without any regard for the rest of her life. As shallow a claim and as poor an excuse for child abuse as I have ever heard.
And that's why I have a moral obligation to fight this system of malice with all I have until my dying breath, for I will not allow them to put that doubt in my beautiful and only child's mind. And so the message will keep on coming through no matter what constraints they place on me.
This could well be a good time to get into the clothing and (spontaneous) event organization business. Anything has got to be safer than advertising from my perspective. This is no time to feel defeated and the mourning for all that has been lost had to be done. It's the only real way to show proof of how much I care and I will never be ashamed of that. But in the end that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger and strengthens our resolve.
And in that flavour of this now rather long post, there's something else I can address that has been a source of irritation for quite some time. Another cheerful and idealistic phrase declaring 'life is what you make it'. Ever been irritated by that one too? Note that the saying is not 'life is what the family court scam makes it'. It's what you and me make it apparently. Well an opportunity has arisen and the time has come to test this painfully often quoted but annoyingly well intentioned line. My argument against this phrase is that there are way too many restrictions against making the changes needed to make a good life from a bad initial position.
So the time has come to test this cheerful phrase to the absolute limit, to see if life truly can be what one make's it. And the progress and outcome of this test will be told right here. Finally providing some data to test against the theory so doing a bit of science of a kind too. Some entries may have to be written retrospectively for what should be obvious reasons. But all of the story in the fight to make Teagan aware she has a Daddy who loves her, all of it, will be reported here.
11/08/21 11:47
Luckily I have some friends who were able to turn a nightmare birthday around. It's very strange trying to fulfil the 'happy birthday' wishes in a malicious environment designed to ensure a broken heart and soul. Almost seems like mockery. But good people mean well and not all people delight in causing misery and suffering to others.
I am today feeling a kind of welcome numbness against malice world. Although I am at the wrong end of the very worst thing that can be done to a human being, the mind must find a way to adapt and respond in kind to this shocking new reality in which I find myself. But there are some positives. While very late in the day and too late to make a career difference, learning some basic website building skills was an essential step which I wouldn't have taken had I not been under such extreme pressure.
No-one would have believed my story due to the illusions of decency which cover up such human rights abuses with propaganda and assumption of superiority over others. I wouldn't have believed that such demonstrable barbarism was even possible in a so-called civilised culture. But the facts are the facts and they tell their own story and the power of the internet to report injustice as it happens day-by-day is the only real way to expose the full impact of such barbaric policies on human beings.
Neither would I have believed the NHS and the drug industry that powers its policies could have sunk so low as to deliberately cover-up an outright cure for the most painful condition a human being can suffer and provide only an ever-repeating symptom management treatment to make maximum money out of extreme suffering. I have the absolute black and white facts on this which will cause outrage when successfully shared to the public domain. This is another story of course but one that I recorded all the facts just like this story. I plan to publish this shocking story that exposes not just the evil of the pharmaceutical industry, but also the governments behind them that assist by making the existing cures illegal. That will give me something to do over the winter assuming I have not been allowed to put my energies into raising my Teagan instead.
What I have to do now is adapt, adapt, adapt. The reality of the system in which I live and it's moral standing have been made crystal clear to me now. I need to take the negative energy directed at me by the forces of darkness and somehow redirect them to become ever more capable, just as I have by learning to make websites to expose the truth behind the policies of a deceptive and cruel regime. If I wasn't so broken I would already be on track and stronger with the new skills, motivations and insights gained. I have to heal so I will be able to be more effective in whatever role fate decides I must play.
10/08/21 16:43
What does a birthday mean in the most evil country in the world?
10/08/21 15:00
Well today is my birthday and there isn't much if anything to celebrate. Given the limit case evil of the system it wouldn't surprise me if they put on extra pressure to try and get me to break so I will have to be ready for that. If anything happens I will report it here of course. I have to watch myself too because obviously such cruel injustice is going to provoke the deepest feelings on a day that should carry a kindness that simply doesn't exist in the land of limit case evil. How this kind of unlimited unrelenting cruelty is legal and even backed by an equally malicious state is still beyond my comprehension. Things can never go back to where they were unless an unrealistic turnaround in humanity transpires. Once you have faced limit case malice for no reason there's no going back to who you were before.
As I look around for some kind of comfort and consolation I notice that the successful sharing of this story yesterday has given me a little warmth this day. For some reason sharing this story with over 70 new people has lifted me enough to keep me away from anger and despair. One person has shown me that there is a human rights abuse going on here, and that if I can expose this story far and wide enough it might get noticed as such. That's a hell of an incentive to focus on the advertising regardless of the perilous nature of this deceptively risky trade.
I have to bring this story to the attention of the national consciousness if I am to have any chance of seeing my Teagan while she is still a child. To anyone reading this, please share, share, share, as far and as wide as you can. As long as each day I work towards that goal, then I can sleep at night knowing I have done all I can for my only child.
09/08/21 11:58
On the back of yesterdays recognition of the need to find a positive way through the nightmare, I think I may have found something. I mentioned a few posts ago that going on the road to become a full-time traveller is pretty much the only way to have sufficient distraction to not suffer this terrible ordeal. It is clear now that living in a dark flat living the child friendly life with child friendly routines and stability is exactly the wrong thing to be doing when my only child has been stolen and there is no hope for mercy. Especially from only 10 miles away.
Problem is I'm getting old now and not in the best health and not even a traveller by nature. Travelling also attracts hostility and is supressed wherever possible to force the housing monopoly agenda. Hostility I don't need on top of the malice I already have to live with every day. But there is no other way. Anything is better than facing a daily nightmare which wont go away.
But I realised this morning that if I put the van signs up permanently, paint them on instead, then maybe the hostility will be lessened as the local residents can see who it is who has temporarily stopped for a night's sleep in their neighbourhood and why. I would need to add something obvious to the home page of the website to make it clear I'm not going to cause any problems. There's a page for Ashington residents so may as well add a page for the residents local to where I stop for the night. Could even add a means of simple communication. It's amazing what can be done with technology if pushed to the limit.
Also if (when) harassed by the police I can clearly show how it was their actions which pushed me onto the road. Having a good reason for abandoning the concrete may make people and police less hostile. The police wont be able to harass me about the van signs as long as I am anywhere but Ashington for it is a completely legal practice to advertise a legal website.
It would also solve my advertising problems. I have no skills in his area and got arrested for my first attempt so its clearly a difficult and dangerous trade to get right. But other people have website links on their vans to their legal websites so it must be legal for me too. And as for the problem as to where to advertise, well that would be simply everywhere I go. And the advertising would be working even while I sleep, much as the website does already.
And maybe, just maybe, I might actually get some support instead. There must be people out there who would look favourably on a man who would do anything including fighting the system for a chance to be with his only child. There has to be good people out there. Spreading the news of this terrible injustice can only help Teagan to have her Dad while she is still a child. Maybe I might park-up near people who think I am doing the right thing, and who might actually express their support and possibly even extend a welcome. Maybe I may even meet someone who thinks that a man who would do anything to be with his child would be a man worth having some kind of relationship with.
The only way to lose and suffer terribly is to do as I'm told and to sit at home and do nothing. So those are the two things I must not do. I do not relish such a drastic change of lifestyle at this age and with this health but I don't see any other alternative right now. There is nothing on this website that is blatantly untrue nor anything I should be ashamed of. It's time to paint the link to this website permanently on the van. That will force me to make the jump to life on the road for what use is the link to my little Teagan simply stuck on a driveway while her Dad perishes indoors?
I will wait until the 24th of this month to see if the matter gets resolved in Teagan's best interest and she finally gets to meet her Dad. That will mark the full 6 months of rolling bail conditions preventing any kind of resolution. If the answer is still no, then it's time to step up the campaign and a permanent link to the website in a prominent position would then be an appropriate and legal response. Good, finally a timescale for action and enough time to prepare for the new life that has to come. And plenty to do in the meantime to keep me busy.
08/08/21 07:42
I find myself desperately needing some positivity to try and survive this nightmare. And if I can find anything I feel it is my duty to Teagan and myself to write it down in my diary so that we may find strength in these darkest of times.
Firstly and most importantly this critical website representing Teagan's only link to her Dad has survived legal scrutiny for nearly 5 months now. It must be legal for a blacked out Dad to be able to publish his side of the story where his child can find it. If there were to be a brutal ban stick it would have been waved by now. I am willing to make small amendments where necessary should the emotive nature of the subject cloud my judgement or cause me to make an error in my reporting of anything. It is difficult maintaining accuracy in a situation where I am provided with zero information and left having to deduce what's going on using shreds of evidence and reason to fill in the gaps alone. As more information comes available I will update the site accordingly.
The survival of this site should mean the 3000 day sentence of missing every moment of my only child's childhood should not now be a realistic possibility. This is important because when this feels real the desire to live drops to almost zero. I have to keep telling myself, as long as the website stays up, this unbelievable malice will not play out as intended. Teagan will find this website long before that sentence is served and so there is no need for me to take the mental and physical damage such a terrifying possibility inflicts.
I am becoming increasingly aware that using a website to report a human rights injustice in a country that claims to support human rights is an extraordinary and yet unintended consequence of my actions. Somehow the need for freedom of information on the internet has triumphed over an empires desires to keep it's dirty secrets hidden in the dark. That's another huge positive if there is to be any hope of a better world for Teagan and all the other children to live in. And I am now an active participant in trying to protect their futures. I have to feel good about that, what greater contribution can there be?
And while the effect of this website on any single day may not be very much if anything at all, over time, day after relentless day, it starts to have a much greater compound effect. Exactly the same template for the relentless daily compound effect on me from stealing my only child and waiting while her childhood drains away. And so in some sense, I have answered like with like, and that is something that should be of some comfort too.
Comfort? It's much more than that. Being held in a situation of extreme injustice day after relentless day with no hope of mercy pushes a human being to the brink of extremism and therefore extremist action. In a terrifyingly unavoidable way. The only way to avoid this descent into oblivion is to have a counter dynamic that matches and halts the compounding effect of the unrelenting injustice. Something which has its own daily compound counter effect on those responsible for the injustice. There is no need for me to seek revenge, the act of providing Teagan with a link to and proof of her Dad must be comforting and soothing enough to not need revenge which would only poison me too.
If this website could be factor for change in the way fathers are so trivially stripped from their children for no reason, then perhaps as a result of my pain and torment, the world might be changed so that future children do not have their Dads stolen trivially anymore. And what greater contribution to humanity could there be than giving thousands of children their Dads where previously they would have been lost?
If this website works, if through any one of a number of its effects it brings Teagan her Dad sooner than any other method would have achieved, then Teagan will be so proud that it was her Dad, and no-one elses, who used this technology to make the difference for the benefit of his little girl. A pride and love she will be able to carry in her heart for the rest of her life.
I have to stay alive. The chance to know my little girl is much closer than the system of darkness is representing. That's why they tried to push me over the edge, they know their time of darkness is running out. They can't stop the sun rising and lighting up the landscape for all to see. I just need to fill the time before the sun rises with a mix of actions in support of the cause and distractions where necessary to keep a healthy balance.
And most of all I need to remind myself to read this entry when I feel like the situation is hopeless!
07/08/21 08:41
There is a positive side to this nightmare existence. It is so bad that there is no rational reason to suffer the consequences of the natural ageing process. Having failed terribly at life so that there is no escape from the worst housing for miles around, the price of failure is inescapable and in my face every morning I wake up. And to have my only child stolen for no reason by a system of pure malice shows that there is no relenting or compassion for those who are suffering.
Instead for unknown reasons the british culture delights in making such people suffer more and will do all it can to push those suffering into taking their own lives. Why can't people be happy with their own achievements? Why is the suffering of those far less fortunate so much more important than celebrating their own gains?
I realise it is futile trying to fight to regain my status as Teagan's Dad. The system cherishes its child abuse heritage, and nothing is more valuable to it than a little girl who has been stripped of her Dad. That is why Parental Responsibility is so easily stripped and so difficult to regain. A clear and decisive preference for children to not have their Dads in their lives. There is no arguing with that brutal imbalance and its implications.
Just to remind anyone reading how easily Parental Responsibility is lost, all it requires is the mother to hide the birth certificate signing from the Dad with no reason required. At that point the mother unknowingly signs a child abusers charter. That's all it takes. And years of fighting and basically having to prove an extreme state of 'normal-ness', which as we all know doesn't even exist and therefore cannot be achieved. The perfect stripping of the protective Dad at the single stroke of a pen. Literally declaring to the establishment that this little girl has no Dad to protect her. Those are the facts, deduce from that what you will.
Note that the system is notorious for its record keeping in almost all other circumstances. There is more than enough information on this website for Teagan's birth certificate omission to be corrected. But do you think they will correct it by themselves? Is there a hidden motivation for the system to keep the entry for the child's father empty for as long as it possibly can? I think we can work out for ourselves what these motivations might be, can we not?
Without a Dad to protect her she will be vulnerable to exploitation, and without a father figure in her heart she will not understand how to react when an exploiter deceives with fake fatherly affection of some kind. The natural need for a father's love can then trivially be used to exploit time and time again. Exactly where child abusers like to have their victims. For me to ask for my right to be her Dad is to deny the powerful in the system one of their potential prizes. The powerful don't like giving up their assets and an attempt by me to try to regain my rights would put my little girl in the spotlight for such types. I can't do that to Teagan.
This dynamic is also a risk of the existence of this website too but on balance it was a risk worth taking as there is a reasonable chance it could force the changes needed for Teagan to have her Dad to protect her before her vulnerable years begin.
In case this talk of child abuse seems in any way inappropriate remember it is widely accepted that using a child as a weapon against it's parent and restricting the child's life experience to a fraction of her family is a form of child abuse in itself. It's just an abuse the system overlooks and embraces for the reasons given above.
All hopes rest on Teagan discovering this website and demanding to have her Dad before anyone can take advantage of her. I knew this from the start and was another motivator to get this site done. The laws may prevent me from protecting my little girl, but that doesn't mean I can't take them on and exercise my duty to fight evil. I have nothing to live for anyway, all of this is for my Teagan's future. And if anyone even lays a finger on my Teagan while I am still alive, I will hunt you down whoever you are. And especially if it's one of you.
05/08/21 10:40
In this moment where I find myself with the perfect revenge in the palm of my hand (expression, ironically its pure information from hell that cannot be held in a hand), I realise I have no desire to enact it. I simply lack the malicious genetics so obviously prevalent in others. Revenge only makes sense if continuation in life after the revenge is enacted is in some way desirable, and for me that is simply not the case.
Surrounded by such unfathomable malice as has been shown and proven here simply removes my will to live. I have never acted with even a fraction of the malice shown to me to anyone throughout my entire life, and simply cannot make any sense of it. I find myself having to take ever increasing risks to try and block out the malice shown me. I cannot counter it nor remove it so my only option is to do my best to make myself numb to it's effects. And this is why it is almost certain I won't live long enough to see my only child. It is by design, the implicit will of those who enjoy making children fatherless.
This website has kept me going through the overwhelming need to make clear to my only child why her Daddy couldn't be there by the time she was old enough to see what the forces of darkness had stolen from her. But that has been achieved now, and at least she will know that she had a Dad that loved her so much he simply couldn't live without her. And she will know she had a Dad who couldn't live in a world of pure malice for he was of a different breed entirely. And I hope she will be proud of that in her years to come. And I hope that she is as free of malicious tendencies as I have been, but if not then at least I won't be around to face them.
The Wieland clan clearly want me dead. The police have backed that position and added pressure on top to try and push me over the edge. The housing association cell is designed to suck the will to live from it's inhabitants. An extermination camp for those who did not succeed in the housing market. Lockdowns to crush any hope for change. It seems that the only thing we all have in common is the desire to see me dead as soon as possible. It is extremely difficult to survive in such cruel circumstances. I hope we all get what we want soon.
03/08/21 10:06
A few days away camping was essential to take some time to reflect on recent events. I notice that when I am out of the housing association cell I am able to find distraction from the world of malice. Perhaps the answer is to live a life on the road? Maybe this is how the traveller mindset is ignited? The suffering is always greatest when confined to the housing cell. In addition in these times of lockdowns, living in such a cell becomes the full prison sentence. Especially when denied even a memory of my only child's entire childhood. Maximum sentence for no reason other than malice. Whereas those locked down in mansions with nice gardens are confined to paradise. As far from 'all in it together' as can be. Two major reasons to get out of the concrete and live a life on the road.
What I would like to do today is do some work on the LED light box. But getting in the way is the overwhelming need to get revenge on the system that stole my child for no reason, just purely for the malicious effect on myself now, and on Teagan for the rest of her life. What is the appropriate response? Obviously it's not to conform to it or to serve it, those approaches are for the system that honours a human being's right to have access to his only child.
Notice that the inverse is also true. A system that would help me gain access to my only child would be a system that I would want to conform to and even wish to serve! This is the mirror opposite scenario I so dearly wish was the reality. But fate has played me this hand so all that remains is to play it well.
There is also the question of scale. This is the limit case punishment that can be done to a human being, so I need a limit case response to hurt the system as it hurts me. It must be a response that hurts the system every day, in a compounding fashion, just as it hurts me the same way. And obviously the response must be so extreme its details cannot be discussed on here. Not even in a diary.
Problem is I'm not actually a malicious person, and take no pleasure in causing anyone any misery or pain. I also know if I respond in kind I will become part of the darkness too. I would become a part of the system I despise for its crimes against humanity. So what do I do? If I do nothing, the system will continue to pile on the malice so I have to respond. That's the major problem here really, the choices are all gone. There are times when one has to act as circumstances dictate, rather than as a consequence of choices. And this appears to be just such a time.
The good news is that the grieving for the lost years of my only child has mostly been accomplished. And somewhat spookily I seem to have lost all fear of my mortality. Any which way out of this nightmare is welcome. This leaves my mind clear to focus on revenge where previously it was not. The only chance I have is to hurt the system so badly that it decides the best option is to let Teagan have her Dad whereupon he will instantly stop hurting the system and nurture his child instead. It's my only real hope.
30/07/21 11:06
Not been at all well so unable to make any progress with the light woodwork or anything much really. But I was able to update and upload all the legal documents to date to the blog article entitled "I'm officially Teagan's Dad!" just now. You can read about a couple of primary school lessons, one in spelling and one in morality, and a twist in the tale involving a possible deception by the police as they appear to make a mistake. There is also an exposure of an illusion of decency within!
That holding page proved to be so prophetic. I will have to add it to the site somewhere. The internet and it's freedom of information really does shine light into the dark places in a way never previously possible. I did not expect this site to light up so many curious things skulking in the shadows. Surely humanity can only move forward if it is honest about what its policies and objectives mean and are. All the time it is possible to represent illusions on the public front while maintaining the complete opposite on the ground, we can never truly move forward. And if we cannot cherish basic values such as the right of a little girl to have her Dad in her life, then we really have made no progress at all. The internet used well can force us to address these inconsistencies and build a better world for all the future children.
To anyone questioning the value of freedom of information on the internet, may I present the limit case in favour of this freedom. The only way a little girl could know who her Dad was and how much he loved her. What free information could possibly be more important than that? Limit case solutions for a limit case world.
28/07/21 15:59
Terrible pain in my chest again. I'm running out of time and will never see my Teagan. Shame on you child abusers. Shame on you all. If it's legal to do this to a human being then your laws mean nothing at all!
28/07/21 14:43
I need to find the right person to show this story. If it were in the national consciousness it would expose a national disgrace. A human rights abuse of the gravest kind imaginable. Who can I get to look at this who could make the difference? It's not anyone in Ashington nor the perpetrators within, so entirely within my bail conditions to do. A national paper? A local politician? I literally have no skills in advertising beyond putting out the little plastic signs that I got arrested for. Perhaps the local Social Services major office? There must be someone or somewhere I can raise awareness of this terrible injustice so that I am not forced by inescapable human nature to act myself.
That must be the answer. The only way to get real change is to make some noise. That draws unwanted attention to the bullies so they back off or seek reasonable reconciliation. I'm getting bullied like this because no-one is noticing. How could I have been so foolish to have kept this so quiet for so long.
28/07/21 12:02
Someone has got to show me how it is fair and just to make me miss every moment of my only child's childhood from only 10 miles away. To not even allow me a single memory of what she was like as a child. Someone has got to show me how it is fair and just to deny an innocent little girl any contact with her only Dad with the intention of killing him off before she ever gets a chance to meet him. I need these two answers to defuse this situation or the fundamental human need for justice will prevail. I think it is the least Teagan and myself deserve for all we have suffered. I badly need these reasons for this limit case injustice otherwise I will have to keep concluding its just for the pure malice of it. I am guilty of being a human being and nothing more.
27/07/21 16:28
This is zero quality of life, I don't deserve this. What motivation is there to live a life of endless suffering? All backed by and championed by sinister forces I can do nothing about. Effectively forced to suffer at gunpoint. Barbarians! The most uncivilized culture there has ever been and a nightmare to live under.
This country is doing all it can to provoke me into taking my own life to solve this problem. This country is not safe to have children in. This place is drenched in evil at every level.
27/07/21 11:19
I struggle to see how Social Services can allow such a malicious woman to be responsible for a child? A woman whose previous child had to be removed from her to be raised by her parent's instead. Why was this? Do they never learn? A woman who is deliberately provoking an extreme reaction by pushing a human being beyond his limits with unrelenting cruelty and malice. Using a child as a weapon to destroy the child's father. Teagan will even be made to live knowing she was coerced by Lucy and her police to be a witness against her own Dad in his last days. The proofs are all here in black and white on all four bail notices served. A prisoner of one woman and her limited capacity brother for most of the time while completely cut off from the vast majority of her family? How can this not all be child abuse? How can a little girl be truly safe with such limit case provocations in play? Yes I'm responsible for my actions and I have abided by the conditions imposed on me for 6 months running. But surely the person creating and provoking the problem is the root cause of the problem? Is she truly without any responsibility for this terrible situation at all?
27/07/21 09:44
I think I misread that feeling the other day and fooled myself into thinking something good was happening. I now realise the nice inner glow feeling was a protection against me falling for the provocation by Lucy and her police. They badly need to push me into a reaction such that they can make stealing my only child look somehow reasonable and decent. And they are very good at it as this story shows. I have the perfect reply to this terrible situation which arose as a direct result of the terrible cruelty and inhumanity shown me.
It's so perfect I so want to share a hint of what it might be, to show how it beautifully complements the entirely legal cruelty done to me. This response is entirely legal too, so that should put the minds of law enforcement and the people responsible for this torture at rest. Well sort of, because as this case demonstrates, the most terrible things are entirely legal.
The problem is that's exactly what the system wants me to do to give it fair warning and perhaps to endanger this site. The system has me utterly trapped. Totally hung and drawn on a fundamental human instinct I cannot escape. They really should have just finished the job if attacking human nature that gravely. So the one thing we all know is that I cannot behave myself. I cannot be complicit. That's an automatic given. We all know that.
That inner glow was more likely a defence mechanism from a source I do not know. The timing. Started of all times early on Teagan's birthday. This defused the automatic escalator of self destruction or worse. That made revenge planning day a calmer clearer affair. But when it came to implementation day the feeling was stronger than ever disabling my capacity to react at that time, resulting in the positive posts of yesterday.
And now after I have been forced to think of the issues above the warm feeling has gone. It seems to have served its purpose. Now is the time to be ice cool. Also there is no need to document everything. There is enough information here for any reasonable person to figure out what kind of likely or even obscure (as is the case here) possible consequences can come from treating human beings this badly.
There is one thing worth adding that I have been forced to learn. Extremism can't actually exist without unrelenting limit case injustice as a driving force. By definition extremism must be something that occupies every moment of the extremist's day. To be fuelled in every moment by an unstoppable human need for justice. The only way to create this motivation is unrelenting ceaseless torture through extreme injustice. Extremism isn't the problem, its the direct consequence of extreme injustice. End the injustice and you end the extremism. It's as simple as that.
That's really where this needs to end. This site must stay true to it's original purpose of providing a link to Teagan so that she may know who her Dad was and a little about him. I must not endanger that. I must listen to the inner self and heed it's warning. Teagan has everything she needs to know here already to prove she meant everything to me and that I couldn't live without her. And proof of the brutality of the system that took her Daddy away from her for no reason. That will be everything she needs to adapt to and survive in the culture that took her Dad away before she ever got a chance to know him for herself.
I hope that this site will be referenced in future by fathers who are criticized for abandoning their children. They need only point to this site and say that it is better to survive than suffer and die like this poor man had to. This story shows that even with inspection by authorities over several months that no-one would come to my aid nor provide any support of any kind. Quite the opposite. They have criminalized my basic human instinct to be a Dad. To protect and nourish my child. In a country that promotes values of human rights and even an illusion of decency. This is literally an extermination process for Dads. They literally phoned me to tell me they had an ambulance ready at the expected time. Leaving fatherless children open to the kind of abuse so treasured by the higher echelons of british society. The facts are all here to back up everything I have claimed and said. The UK badly needs to clean up it's own back yard before criticizing the ways of others.
I had to make this post to prevent me making any silly mistakes while under extreme duress. I also realised today that the important timing is not the 24th July, it's while under the relentless effects of the now 6 month bail conditions of doom without charge. That's the right time. Ultimately you reap what you sow and its clear what you have sown here.
26/07/21 19:34
I hope I'm not wrong with this feeling although I confess it's becoming fainter now. I'm going to hold off posting what I was expecting to post today for a few days. I can't expect an immediate confirmation even if the feeling was right due to the legal complications in the way. It's hard to go quiet at this stage though but recent developments have shown me that it is definitely for the best that I do. For more reasons than you can shake a stick at. While I hope this feeling was right I'm more than ready to make my next move if it was wrong, so I can afford the luxury of a few days of hopeful positivity. It's all in the hands of fate now, which is I think another thing the warm inner glow was trying to tell me earlier. For once I must have a little patience, hard though it is for a person like me.
26/07/21 08:56
Something wonderful has happened. It started most unexpectedly on Teagan's birthday. Instead of feeling so bad I wanted to die as has previously been the case, this time there was this growing glow from my stomach to my heart, right at my core. Never felt anything like it before. It was a sensation that made me feel happier. On this terrible day of all days.
I have to confess that despite this warm glow, as the day wore on my stable state of mind began to fragment. Which is to be expected under this most brutal of tortures, but this fragmentation is usually associated with uncontrollable crying and eventual breakdown of some kind.
And just as this mind fragmentation was becoming quite noticeable I got that text from Amy Wieland that triggered a breakdown of some kind. But even then not with tears nor even much anger. It just sent my mind flying down new paths for getting revenge on the system that stole my only child. Nothing I could do about that, it's the most basic and primal human reaction to unspeakable cruelty and pain. The reaction to that fragmentation can be seen in the diary entries for the day.
And then came the day after. The day after the day that the system formally brutally denied me or my family access to my only child on her special day. The day after the system successfully abused the trusting nature of an innocent child for another birthday by denying her her Dad and his wonderful present for no reason other than the sheer malice of having the power to do so. And so naturally this day was spent pushing new boundaries in thought to find new ways to get revenge on that system. The glow had gone and had become a much less comfortable fire in my whole body instead. But necessary as I needed new material to up my game versus the system and these are the moments where that growth is made.
Motivations were improved, thoughts became clearer, some previous achievements I saw no value in suddenly came to the fore as essential components of my next move. Things out of focus sharpened and their depth and position in the future field made apparent. Connections between these things made creating new insights seen into both the current situation and the future. These insights made manifest the possible moves and outcomes for the future.
And now today, with everything back in place, that inner glow has returned and is actually growing to the point I'm actually reasonably happy writing this diary entry. I don't think I have been happy while working on this site ever before. This is literally a first. I wonder if it's a growing sense of pride that I have truly done everything I can for my little girl? It does feel that way, but since I never felt this way before I can't be sure just yet.
I may well have got this wrong but I sense something else. As if something wonderful has happened in this tragic story. Something really, really good. Something like Teagan asking to see her Dad or something major like that. There's not many things I could put into that category that have any chance of being right so for once I will hold back on that. I think it is important just to mention this first time happiness even if for no reason than to counter and reverse the terrible sadness present all over this site and of course in this story.
And for it to return again today after the intensive revenge planning day is a welcome relief from the torment of having to do that. Yeah I couldn't do any work on the LED light yesterday, the feelings and consequences of the system attack on Teagan and myself prevented any form of positive activity. But today with that glow inside I feel like perhaps I can. This glow inside is everything right now so I will do my best to nurture it and keep it around as long as possible. Yes today I must return to the light myself, otherwise I too might start to suffer the effects of the darkness, and my Teagan will be depending on me to be the bringer of light to her life.
This inner glow is just growing! Something amazing must have happened. It feels like the greatest barrier to Teagan having her Dad has melted away! Could it be possible? Have the Wieland's decided to put Teagan's best interests first? And in so doing also put the minds of all those affected by the consequences of irrational malice at rest? Such as the staff at Teagan's school, the other school children, the parents of those school children especially those in Teagan's year who share the same classroom who must naturally be a little concerned at what has been going on. And the reputation of the community in Ashington who I'm sure can't have been happy at such a tragic story being played out in their village. And putting Bradley first, that terrible fact of him confirming that Teagan had been aborted can vanish forever so that Teagan may never have to resent her own brother. Is it possible that all these people's best interests have been put first?
I'm completely blind-sided. There's not a flame of revenge in my body right now.... and even my mind is distracted from such things. There's an inexplicable peace instead. If there is such a thing as divine justice, please let this be it. I know I risk terrible disappointment raising my hopes this high, but this is a feeling I have never felt before and so an essential part of this story. Please let it be so, I beg with every fibre of my being to all that is decent and true, please let it be so.
Putting aside even strongly felt personal differences is what putting Teagan's best interest at heart looks like. If I can do it so can you. It is clear I have changed. If I had not changed it wouldn't have hurt so much as to cause all this. It would have been so much easier. But I have and there's no way back. Self sacrifice for our children is wired into our fundamental nature. We cannot escape it. Laws cannot prevent it. We can make history here for our beautiful little girl. It just takes a little courage to do the right thing. Find it in yourself, you know it's there. Let's make Teagan the happiest and proudest little girl in the world!
25/07/21 23:26
If the internet could not provide the answer as to the identity of Teagan's stolen Daddy, what possible useful information could it contain for her in her future?
25/07/21 12:58
On a positive note there is an emerging dynamic coming from my personal tragic situation. The power of the internet to share information is a known and quantifiable thing, but it really helps to have stories of real life examples that show this to be the case. For example the UK has a rhetoric on human rights and will happily show its membership to abstract organizations and equally abstract documents showing commitments to such concepts. But these are all just models. Real people's real life stories are the data. Such as here. And if the model doesn't fit the data, then the model is wrong or an outright deception.
Normally such stories are just buried behind the chaos of life and the rhetoric lasts much longer than it would otherwise be able to do. Much suffering under misguided policies and outright barbarism prosper when real life examples can be so easily be brushed under the carpet. It has always irritated me how people can ask questions such as what makes virus writers etc do what they do. Limit case cruelty demands limit case responses, that is what they exist for. And stopping a parent from any sight of his only child for her entire childhood for no reason is such a limit case cruelty is it not?
It would be very helpful to me if someone could contact me and tell me of more barbaric thing to do to a human being than is currently being done to me. If I can only find something worse then I will stop having to think of limit case responses. That would be a really good thing and I'm doing all I can to find such an example myself. But I'm struggling.
Many people criticize the internet, but it seems to me it is humanity's only hope to expose its bad behaviour to itself, so that we may build a better future for the children than the miserable parent severing disgrace that the UK represents at this time. And for that we all have to be very grateful for what technology brings to our lives.
An innocent little girl would never know who her Dad was and how much he loved her if it were not for this website. This means that even if I don't live long enough for her to ever see me, she will know for the rest of her life that she had a Daddy that would do anything to be with her. The importance of the internet and it's freedom of information doesn't get any clearer than that.
25/07/21 08:43
No mercy from the dice roll sadly. That means another year of fighting evil. I would rather have just stayed asleep for ever. No merciful release means I have to find and develop new ways to cause as much revenge damage against the evil child stealing empire as possible. There is no total amount of damage to achieve, just the need to keep adding to the total for each day the enemy robs me of my only child's childhood.
There are several major infrastructure projects coming online in the evil empire over next few years. All of which depend on embedded software control. We already have a precedent too. If it was fine to do to an Iranian civil engineering project then it will be fine to do to a similar UK project. That's the juiciest target. A robust and tiny virtual machine for embedded systems is the pre-requisite here and I already wrote that for my LED lighting effects. This is where I can cause the most damage and therefore get the most revenge.
Other areas too need some more research but for security reasons not to be even hinted at here. Just got to be creatively focussed and when it comes to execution to strike with precision for maximum effect just like I always do. I have to do these things. A human being is not capable of living day after day in a situation of extreme injustice without reply. That's why even though the damage I did to the unconventional oil and gas industry was enough to hurt the system for what it has done to me, its not enough by action because that's all in the past now. The unjust punishment done to me didn't stop after a while, it goes on day after day after day. And so must my revenge on the system that tortures me for no reason. I must treat waking up to another year in hell as a sign another year of damage needs to be done. If a foreign agency could guarantee me a safe place to live with my daughter, then I will do whatever is required in return. The UK is currently operating a zero child policy on men with no reason given. At least China's one child policy shows some humanity and is backed by good reasons. Please help me for my country offers me no chance at all. Give me access to the resources of Shenzhen or equivalent and guarantee me a child of my own and I will will wreak havoc on the empires of evil in return. There must be plenty out there with justification for revenge. Remember the opium wars.....
Or maybe North Korea? I have the ultimate motivation and justification to serve you well. The limit case motivation. Denial of any sight of my only child for her entire childhood from just 10 miles away for no reason! There is no greater cruelty or human rights abuse than this. Just offer me a decent place to live and a chance for a child of my own and I will be there. Please someone offer me a life with some hope because the UK offers me none. I can do way more than I am hinting at here. The contact options are all over this website.
One area of great interest is the upcoming smart driverless cars. I am not going to discuss this in any detail but it should be obvious just how fertile a ground for revenge such a technology will be. For these reasons I didn't expect the technology to progress so quickly, but since it is, then the need to develop strategies and tools is similarly accelerated.
Another area is Bitcoin. I have none and no interest in wealth but this is a major chess piece that if played at the right time could cause economic damage of a kind never seen before. It is perhaps equivalent to the Queen piece on the chess board. Or maybe the Knight due to its reach into unexpected places. Either way a devastating resource that must be used as part of an effective strategy. The key to successful evil regime opposition is to creatively use existing technologies in new and interesting ways. This makes great achievements possible with humble resources and status.
A good example is this website. There is nothing new or even particularly complex in it. But several tools and ideas have combined to make a very effective piece of technology. It is the careful combination of existing parts that make the advanced tools possible by individuals. Building from scratch is for Corporations. This is the great lesson to share for future generations. You must combine existing tools in new and interesting ways. Stand on the shoulders of giants. This is the key.
But first I need to finish the LED effect light which is purely a woodwork issue now. In a way this light was an attempt to test the waters of doing positive constructive things instead of using my skills to wreak havoc. A test to see if positive constructiveness might make the difference. But the powers of darkness could not see the beauty of the light. They would not allow a little girl to hold in her hands the most amazing light ever made and it would not allow the proudest and happiest look in her eyes that such a gift would have made manifest.
And so economic damage and negative destruction must be the way forward. It matches the polarity of what is being done to me. But in my heart I'm glad I tried the positive things first. The light will serve as a reminder that I tried that route and it didn't work. That's another reason I must finish it. That will keep me busy for the next few days while I figure out the next major target. If I can make the system regret stealing my child from me for no reason, then perhaps it wont be so keen to steal children from other Dads in the future.
Finally I would not have been as open as I have just been if the current dynamic of giving me no hope and showing no mercy at all wasn't in place. It should be quite clear by now that no matter how hard I try to be constructive there is no chance of mercy or forgiveness. You have not shown a single glimpse of any kind of reward for 'good behaviour', whatever that may mean. It is also evidently clear that if I do nothing I will lose every moment of my only child's childhood too. Which as I mentioned yesterday is equivalent to the harshest part of the punishment of a life sentence in prison. Except this time for no offence committed at all. The punishment of a life sentence comes for free. And so what I must do is not a choice. It is a forced reaction. Automatic unavoidable consequences. Cause and effect. And that is where I must leave this discussion alone otherwise I will compromise my own effectiveness. Have a nice day everyone.
24/07/21 19:45
Well another development. Whilst having a bath I got a phone call from the ambulance service telling me I had an ambulance booked. On the advice of the police. I guess it makes sense because the limit case cruelty they have applied to me of denial of any contact with my only child for no reason is more than enough to force someone into taking their life. And on the stolen child's birthday, where maximum agony is felt and sustained I suppose an advance booking of an ambulance could almost be seen as somewhat civilized. Do they care for my well being, or are they just enjoying endlessly `banning me from my only child for no reason for the fun to stop?
Or is it that on this day, Teagan's birthday, if I were to die, then no matter what cover-up lies were manifested by Lucy and her police, Teagan would know without doubt that it was because of the cruelty of being severed from her. It's the only way I can guarantee she knows she had a Dad that loved her. And the only way to find mercy in the brutal british empire. The only way to find peace among unliveable injustice. I'm going to have to stop here before the idea gets too appealing. The only guarantee is the 24th of July. How about that? Can you offer me anything better than that? And even if you could, would you? I got to admit you have perfectly set the stage to provide an opportunity to cut through the lies and guarantee my only child knows her Daddy loved her, and that's all that matters now. Have to roll the dice for chance for mercy. It wont come from anywhere else. Certainly not from any human source. Not a committed roll this time, just a hopeful chance. I need that hopeful chance to live another day, it's all I have. No-one will tell Teagan I'm her Dad unless I guarantee it myself.
24/07/21 16:38
Interesting. I just got a text from Amy Wieland saying "I hope you are doing ok today x". That's it. Could it be friendly? Was there any information that indicated she is not supporting the blackout? Was there a little something for me to let me know how my only child is on her special day? After she and the Wieland's have had their fill of exclusive access to my daughter? Not a word. All part of the blackout. All part of the provocation. Your CPS has no chance of any kind of conviction given the provocation myself and my family get. And you know it. But come on, be brave, you can't win them all and these people need exposing to a jury for who they are. Do the right thing and charge me. I will help, to some degree if needed. What else do I need to do to guarantee we get this to court? Just message me and we can sort it out.
I really hope that at least some Ashington locals have seen what's going on here and know the true evil of this Wieland child stealing clan that lives in the shadows among your village with its illusions of decency. How sick to take pleasure in robbing a little girl of her Dad on her birthday. These people are evil beyond words. I have never encountered such evil people in all my life.
And you know what, I have been so restrained on advertising this site, but that last provocation was the final straw. Now I will spread this story as far and wide as I can. It's time to raise the stakes. Missing every moment of your only child's childhood is meant to be one of the biggest punishments of a life sentence in prison. I think perhaps I should earn the right to this punishment I already receive. This situation needs levelling.
24/07/21 06:32
I fully expected to awake in tears today, just like the previous 7 birthdays. But for some reason I feel a sense of pride instead, knowing I did everything I could for my little girl. Now I realise that even if anything I did was illegal, it was definitely the right thing to do. I speculated that it would be better to do the right thing and go to jail than to obey the laws and do nothing. Now I know that this speculation is a fact, and a life changing formative fact at that. I did not expect this.
Even revenge is not foremost on my mind. Time will come for all things. The evil done by the Wielands will come back to haunt them very soon, they will pay dearly for what they have done to poor Teagan. The police... well, there will be the time where they want a little co-operation which I have previously always given. But now, in that critical moment, I will remember what they did and justice will be served. Revenge is a dish best served chilled and that is the way it will be.
Today is Teagan's day, and even though she will only get less than half the presents she should, she will be very proud that she has a Daddy out there who she knows will do anything for her, and that is perhaps the greatest gift of all, beyond all material items. I will add to this post during the day as long as I am able, but for now all my thoughts are with wishing the best for my beautiful Teagan on her special day.
This is strange, still no tears. I feel relatively fine. I cannot explain this. There must be something amazingly healing about writing and maintaining this site. The other Dads who have had their children stolen must take note. This must be the solution. This is usually the day of maximum Wieland malice and the day I am tortured most. Teagan loses her Dad all year round so that maximum pain can be applied to me on this day. And its not working! Something must have happened. The forces of darkness are not having their expected field day. Fascinating. This is brand new territory for me.
23/07/21 09:55
I would have preferred to make this post after I spoke to my solicitors but they seem to be avoiding my phone calls this morning. I noticed that I don't actually have the police bail notice this time, but instead 'my' solicitor sent the same information in a letter to me. Why the change? Did the police not like the idea of giving Teagan proof that they are denying her access to her Dad on her birthday? Are they ashamed of having the evidence this is the case published for all the world to see? I know I would be if I were them.
But just this morning I noticed a minor changing of the wording. Instead of awaiting a charging decision I am now awaiting a disposal decision. Well, what's a disposal decision? After a little research I find out it is a way of dealing with a situation where no charges can be found. Either there are no charges incoming or there has been yet another mistake in this case. Either way the forces of darkness have been defeated and that has got to be good news.
Now disposal decisions rely on admission of guilt and focus largely on cautions. There will be no such admission of guilt by me and no cautions of any kind will be accepted. I will not allow completely legal activity to be criminalized. I already told you I was all-in and now I see your hand shaking before you fold.
But why did the police officer who rang me not notify me of this major swing in the process and of course a completely relevant piece of progress information? If I had been notified of this change in the first sentence or two such as is the case in the letter, I would never have needed to get angry and hang up the phone during that call from the police. Why did they seek to antagonize a situation of dire injustice further by deliberately withholding this major development? These are pertinent questions. Especially on the back of my last two arrests resulting in no charges of any kind. Namely producing a website for my daughter Teagan to know who her Dad is and what happened, and letting her know through minimum force this is the case, and for flying a drone within the laws at the time with an alleged cargo of superglue. What will I get arrested for next if this isn't looked at?
But for now the small victories. To add to the list of achievements Teagan will know that her Dad took on the forces of darkness to let the light of truth into her life, and somehow the forces of light prevailed and held the field this day. And I have only just started. It's all for you dearest Teagan my only child, my only love. I will never give up on you. This is what unconditional love means, this is how it looks.
22/07/21 08:25
That little break was much needed. An amazing festival in Cornwall. A real stand of a good number of people against the evil system that has done its best to destroy such effective gatherings. Yes, that felt good. Maximum effect was made and inspired by my new motivation to fight the evils in the world. Most satisfying I can tell you.
And so much more. I didn't come straight back home after. I went and saw some lovely friends whose kids have grown much since I last saw them. I didn't know when I first arrived that the eldest boy is just a year behind Teagan. I'm glad I only found this out at the end of the visit, otherwise my interactions with him would have had the ulterior motive of trying to figure out if what has happened is enough for Teagan to realise she has a Dad that loves her. So in beautiful farmhouse grounds I spent a few days mostly sitting under a walnut tree playing with my friends lovely kids.
We played with transformers of all kinds. We built great Lego creations. We had water fights. We discussed universes wrapped up in little vials of water with glitter sprinkled in. On the last day we explored the beautiful patterns that emerge from the wonders of fractal mathematics. The younger boy who is in reception year at primary school has imaginary friends and goes on great imaginary adventures with them. I joined in these imaginary adventures, with such spiritual creativity being true to my heart, creating a bond neither of us will ever forget.
And then this morning I receive a lovely text from my lovely friend that melted my heart. The relevant part read "Thank you so much for coming over and being brave enough to make that spontaneous leap. I had so much fun and you lightened up my life for a few days. The boys will forever be inspired by you and I just know that I wont hear the end of your name for a while in this house!!".
What precious words at a time such as this don't you think? That's the kind of Dad that the forces of darkness are stealing from Teagan. Does that seem a very christian thing to do? To take away a Dad like that? Yeah. It would seem to be the case. No words would admit this, but the facts are here. We can all work it out for ourselves. The truth is that which is not told, but that which perfectly fits the model suggested. It is satisfying to know that Teagan will never be a christian once she is old enough to know what evils they have done to her. Nor will any of her future descendants. The price that must be paid for finding out the reality behind the rhetoric. And paid over and over again through time.
So now to consider the next move. The future cannot be sitting around quietly in a dark housing association flat. Sitting suffering there would be letting the forces of darkness have their way. Screw their Covid rules now. They overplayed that hand too, and now face total rebellion and a counter culture from the youth like never before. You reap what you sow, and you have sowed your own doom. There is much work and damage to be done to the forces of darkness!
There is the matter of Teagan's imminent birthday for which I now have the documentary evidence to show how a spiteful woman and her evil minions conspired to prevent Teagan from having any presents or any sight or sound of her own Dad on her birthday for no reason. There are no reasons on the paperwork. Teagan will see how the forces of darkness robbed her of her Daddy for no reason. She wont even need to believe me, the evidence is all here, and growing by the day! And I will in total defiance make a message on here for Teagan, my only child, on her special day. For when there are rules and laws of pure malice and evil, there is a moral obligation to break them. And I will break them and be proud of breaking them. See you in a couple of days.
15/07/21 21:29
Lot of strange chest pains today. Clearly under lot of pressure. So important to record everything in case the information on this site is all Teagan will have. I know I have had the best part of my life, my concern is for Teagan who has to live with the consequences of all this for her lifetime.
Need to get away from the concrete and malice and pressure. Think I need to get away for the weekend. Maybe spend some time with kind people.
15/07/21 09:34
When the system is flicking your beard trying to provoke a physical reaction as John Lennon once famously said, it is a good time to reflect on what has been achieved. The very worst part of having your child stolen from you is actually not the loss of every day of their childhood, even though this is painful beyond words. No. The killer blow is the effect of the lies being told to the child about the Dad not caring or not wanting the child. The evidence being no evidence the Dad tried to do anything. Leaving the child believing it was unwanted for the rest of it's life.
The Dad did nothing. But if the Dad tries to do something, then the full force of the law is immediately upon him with bail conditions now formally showing the Dad is not allowed to do anything. So when the child grows up and asks what Dad with no bail conditions did, he too, has to say nothing at all. Now, the killer dynamic here is there is no rule *explicitly* stating the Dad has to do nothing. So the child realises that indeed the Dad did nothing, but was it because he didn't care or because he wasn't allowed. There's no rule explicitly saying he isn't allowed to do anything. Therefore it must have been because he didn't care. That's the killer blow that makes these situations unliveable. That's why the bail conditions in print are actually gold dust.
This highlights one of the most important lessons I can share with my Teagan that took me nearly a lifetime to learn. That is the truth is that which is usually left unsaid. The truth serves no vested interest over another. The truth advantages and disadvantages all equally, and as such, the talking monkey species that we are places great value on presenting an alternative to the truth for the purpose of gaining advantage.
The truth as with science, is that which is left standing after taking whatever test is thrown at it. The truth can take the strain of being tested. Conversely that which requires belief, and in fact to ignore evidence to the contrary, to throw away one's sense of reason, that is the hallmark of the lie. Such as religions like Christianity. Teagan's school proclaims Christian values such as mercy and compassion for others and yet will take no such action to support these claims to help an innocent little girl know her Dad. If the data doesn't fit the model, the model is wrong. That's how reason works.
Back to the gold dust of evidence Dad's aren't allowed to do anything. Lets take a look at the Parental Responsibility that the system will be keen to point out I have been stripped of. You might think that this is a protection against Dad's convicted of being unsuitable or dangerous to children but you would be wrong. PR is lost the moment the mother decides to not invite the Dad to the birth certificate signing process. PR is automatically lost if the mother wants to take the child for herself. That is a fact that can be verified. What does this stripping of PR allow the mum to do? Well firstly it empowers her to take the child anywhere in the world to hide forever from the Dad. Secondly it allows the mum to setup another man to claim to be the child's Dad. Just from being excluded from the birth certificate signing process. If those two facts don't send a shiver down your spine, then you may have lost touch with your humanity. Wow. PR is a child stealer's charter. The evidence shows this. The data supports the model.
Now it makes sense why the police appear to be supporting Lucy's blackout. It's not that they are being malicious! They won't want to admit that PR is the child stealer's charter, but if that is what it is, then they are implicitly required to support the blackout with both force of threats of imprisonment and to treat me as a criminal without providing any reason why. And if this is so then the website and my actions are in fact a very big deal but only to that which they cannot explicitly admit. The awkwardness of the police interview... that recording, I must get a copy, it is so telling. It all makes perfect sense now. Yes, the data supports the model at last.
So given the model of what is at play here, supported and implied by the data, we can better consider what the system will try to do next. The website must be a thorn in the side of the child stealer's charter that is PR. Wherever a mum tries to hide as stolen child, the internet link back to the Dad can always be found. And for any fake Dad trying to represent as being the real Dad, a website held by the real Dad is a threat to all the carefully crafted deceptions put in place to exclude him. And a website allows a means of communication to break the blackout as soon as the child can perceive the value of this function.
If maintaining illusions of decency were still highest priority then they would be looking for any way to bring down the website for it exposes the true nature of the system in which we live. But what gives some hope is that in recent times this need to preserve illusions of decency has noticeably diminished. So perhaps the website is safer than the model might suggest. Time will tell.
So what we have at play here is the system's proclaimed values and dogmas versus the implicit reality of its values which will never be admitted, but the data proves to be the case. This website is only a problem if PR is indeed a child stealer's charter. If however PR is meant to protect children against only unsuitable Dads, then a website giving the truth about a Dad who has no prior convictions nor reason to not raise a child, is of no problem to the system whatsoever. In fact, if the truth were valued, then the website would be encouraged, it would help correct an administrative error on Teagan's birth certificate. The system *usually* loves its accurate records does it not? This must be the crux of the situation of the website right here. I finally see it clearly now.
The quick and dirty fix for the system would be to simply make it illegal for real Dads to attempt to communicate with their stolen child. But then that would be explicitly stating that Dad's weren't allowed to do anything, thus making PR an explicit child stealer's charter. That would break PR's illusion of decency. Plus it would open up a freedom of information can of worms. Now I see why they are struggling for charges too. There are none of course but they have to find something or make a new law.
This is the system's problem with this website. It has been forced to choose between fixing its broken PR system, or compounding its error by explicitly making it the child stealer's charter. The system has to choose whether it want to maintain its illusion of decency or not.
The represented value system of a culture versus it's implicit evidence based reality. That is where I must keep the focus. Hold the system's feet to the fire. Shine the light in its face. That's the only way this battle can be won. I'm going to refine and edit this document to make its key points as devastatingly clear as possible, because this covers one of life's most important lessons and is worth crafting into the most concise article possible.
14/07/21 23:17
That last diary entry was made while still angry from the phone call from the malice police. Actually had to put the phone down as I felt I was being provoked. Got to put the feelings of the moment down so Teagan can see what happened in near real time. But now I have had a couple of hours to reflect.
I won't be provoked into acting despite your best provocation efforts. The bail conditions although painful to see in print the malice of a system openly denying a father access to his only child for no given reason, are actually of no consequence. It would seem by the nature of infinitely rolling bail conditions that the only way I could successfully make contact with my only child was if my first move was decisive. The move with no bail conditions attached. There was clearly no second chance to get the message to Teagan. I leave the judgement on whether my move was decisive to others. But it is clear now that was exactly the correct strategy.
I know I have lost my only child's childhood through forces of malice and spite, but I have already won all the other more significant battles. Firstly and most importantly, my little girl will now know for sure that her Dad wanted to be with her but was forcibly prevented from doing so. This means she doesn't have to live a lie thinking her Dad didn't want her. Nothing is more important than that.
Secondly Teagan will be proud of her Dad. This account makes it clear it is extremely difficult to break a child stealing mother's blackout and only a single precision move using all the right technology could possibly succeed and that her very own Dad achieved just that. Teagan will see that I learned website programming to write this just for her, just to make sure she knew she had a Dad who loved her.
Thirdly I can sleep at night knowing I did all I could and gathered evidence to prove that was the case. Then in addition, and increasingly as this drags on, more people will know the cruelty done to a poor little girl by a sinister family backed by an equally malicious system.
And I already got all the evidence I need. I look forward to the piece of official paper in the post that clearly states that it is illegal for me to see Teagan on her birthday. And of course illegal for Teagan to see her Dad on her birthday. It will be easy to show from that document that I was prevented from all the other birthdays too. And all the other days of the years. All of them. I will have that and post it here as total proof.
There's another gift on the bail notices. Teagan will see one day that she was coerced into being a witness against her own Dad while she did not understand what she was doing. I have it in black and white for Teagan to clearly see. Thank you so much for that proof of Lucy's malice.
The moral high ground can never be yours now oh forces of cruelty and darkness. My girl will have a brightness in her eyes that none of you dark forces will be able to bear to see one day. Thank you for the proofs that will leave no doubt in those eyes. The gift that keeps on giving. Keep on bringing it, I will keep posting it, so Teagan can see you all for who you really are.
14/07/21 19:57
However crazy you sound, you're not paranoid if you're right. Just got the predicted call from the police again, still unable to find any charges four months after the alleged 'offence' of notifying my daughter who her Dad is. They have nothing at all. They are provoking me into acting so that they then have something. They have even added an extra week this time just to send me the message this isn't going away anytime soon. And zero progress update, which tells me that things are no closer to being resolved than the very first day. Next time they will add six weeks thus provoking me further.
They have literally made trying to make contact with Teagan on her birthday illegal even though there are no charges or evidence of wrongdoing against me whatsoever. After four months of looking. This must be illegal. If I don't act they will continue this rolling bail exploit for years, so I have to act to stop it.
Going to make formal complaint about this and then I guess if I have to break the unjust rules then I will have to make it count. Keep raising the stakes if you like, I'm all-in anyway and therefore will call whatever your raise.
So there we have it. It's official. A child can be stolen from the Dad with no offence being committed nor existing reason why he should not have access to his child. The system then validates this by stripping the Dad of all parental rights simply for not being informed of the birth. And then any attempt to break the blackout, even if no offence is committed, will be met by bail conditions that prevent making contact with the child, that roll and roll for as long as the system wants to back the blackout for no reason.
The UK has the cheek to question the human rights records of other nations, but is as deep in guilt for the same things as those it accuses others of. I will add the paperwork to prove this is the case for all the world to see just as soon as I receive it. What a wonderful thing the internet is when used to expose the true nature of the system rather than the illusions it likes to falsely represent.
I now have the proof for Teagan to see in the future that Lucy would use the police to stop a little girl getting the best birthday present she could ever have. This isn't an opinion it's a matter of fact with the documents to prove it. And all Lucy has for Teagan is opinions, most of which are lies. Teagan will see the facts from the fiction soon enough, and then she will know the true nature of her mother forever.
The one good thing, actually two, to come of this is there were two fundamental regrets in my life where I wished things had been different. Now neither of those two things are regrets, and in a world of malice empower me to choose my destiny with greater clarity. The things that I thought had gone wrong actually perfectly prepare me for what is to come. We are all just actors briefly playing our parts on the stage of life. It's the performance itself and not the duration that counts.
14/07/21 12:15
Let's have a closer look at the boost converters. Notice that while the pace of technology results in ever shrinking devices capable of doing ever more, sometimes the shrinking can be easily explained such as here. All they did was move the little blue rectangle device to a previously empty space and shrunk the board to fit:
There is a curious way of looking at boost converters that make them easy to understand. On the left side of the board you connect a battery. This new battery will be fresh and full of energy and vigour just like a young person. On the right hand side is a system which through a little trickery raises the output of the battery. Like a young person starting work. But as the battery ages and its energy decreases, the system demands the same output. So it works the battery ever harder until one day the battery gives up and the output finally drops to zero. So it would seem that a boost converter is a bit like a modern western culture is it not?
Fortunately for the batteries at least, mercy and hope arrives in the form of a battery protection circuit. Such as the ones that arrived in the post this morning. So as well as ordering the slave drivers that were needed, I at least considered the welfare of those whom I would be ruthlessly exploiting in the future. Wouldn't it be nice if the culture could do that too?
14/07/21 10:15
Staying positively distracted, here's what arrived in the post this morning. In six different envelopes, like a little stack of presents. To fully appreciate the moment requires contemplation of and then gratitude for the wonders of the internet, e-bay and the wonderful Chinese people. And to be even handed, some gratitude for the post service for delivering it to my door.
So what do we have here? Well the top row are the tiny computer boards which store and run the programs I write for them. Such as the sophisticated LED sequences I have written. The middle row are battery management systems for when batteries are joined end to end (in series). Electrically lithium ion batteries in series have a number of difficulties which I will not go into here, but these boards solve all of those difficulties. This means for example that a 12 volt battery equivalent to a car battery can be shrunk down to the size of the board on the right. Very useful for stealth projects.
Underneath the middle row we have the pure nickel strips that will be the subject of todays tasks. They will be spot-welded to lithium ion batteries to create a power bank arrangement for powering the LED effects. It's no good using spring loaded battery containers as this just creates bad connection points over time for sealed devices. That is why the previous photo from yesterday is only a prototype.
Being a woodwork beginner I need supplies of screws. To the right of the screws are a bunch of boost converters. Apparently they are next generation and even more efficient than the one that is working perfectly in the prototype. The speed of progress takes no prisoners.
I have somehow got to take the situation created by a spiteful woman backed by a crumbling evil empire and turn it into advantage. The crumbling empire has shown that it does not nurture those with creative technical talent. It would appear to mostly discriminate against them and has no problem helping facilitate stealing their children off them. If Teagan has an interest in technology, there's no evidence to suggest she will have that interest nurtured. Certainly not by the technophobe Wielands and their supporters.
So perhaps by technological means I will be able to break the blackout and nurture my little girl's interest in technology simultaneously. I am motivated to build devices I would otherwise not be, so this is a way to turn negative energy against me into a creative force for good. And Teagan will one day love and laugh at the lengths and extremes that her very own Dad would go to, to break the age old evil of child abuse by depriving innocent children of their Dads. And that's all the motivation I need.
13/07/21 10:41
The key to surviving until Teagan can make contact is distraction by any and all means possible. Yesterday I worked on the electronics for the greatest LED effect in the world. Here is the fully working prototype running the most demanding light strip:
The next task is to build same circuit on a thinner base so may it may slide into the wooden case I have built. It is quite satisfying to know that all that circuitry exists to run my hand crafted program that can be found nowhere else in the world. I'm sure Teagan will be very proud of her Dad who can make such wonderful things.
It is fitting that while the world tries to maintain the darkness of blackout in little Teagan's life, that her Dad is bringing ever more beautiful lights to the world, even though it only has the darkness of total blackout for him too. I guess that's why I can't work for a system that punishes when it should reward.
11/07/21 07:17
Awoke with tears streaming down my face again. I have this terrible twisting pain in my chest when I am uncontrollably crying. It's like a heart-attack of mercy is coming. Then my head starts hurting and the throbbing behind the eye feels like a cluster attack is coming. This is no quality of life at all. I am shocked there is no support or counselling or help of any kind for this terrible torture. When did the malice of depriving a parent of their child for no reason become not just legal but a valued part of the british culture? Has it always been this way? Is this a normal and accepted way to treat people? Why so many futile questions to a system that appears to take pleasure in my suffering? If causing this much suffering is a legal and accepted part of the culture, then how do I join in? How do I cause the equivalent suffering so that I may be rewarded with a child I can see? That must be why. Because I don't treat anyone with malice, I'm not being a proper citizen and so not allowed to see my only child.
But my heart just doesn't want to hurt anyone or to be hurt like this. So it looks like I must pay the ultimate price. I'm just not cut out to be a functioning part of a world that takes so much pleasure in causing others suffering. I must be brave for the next 13 days, just accept the malice directed at me, and comfort myself that at least I no longer need to suffer for thousands more days.
Punishments have a different effect once a human being has reached the limit of suffering. Once that point is reached, extra punishments like the rolling police monthly bans on seeing my only child only serve to increase the desire to die. Once the malice becomes unfathomable, a kind of confused panic starts to control the body and mind as it seeks to get away from the source of the pain. This is what I mean when I say the system is trying to kill Teagan's Dad. It literally is, and I can't tell whether its intentional or just a side effect of something perhaps even more sinister than I could ever imagine.
I don't want to spend today in agony. The only way I can get through today and the next two weeks is to promise myself that I only have 13 more days maximum left to suffer. And although that seems a long time right now, it's a gift compared to the unliveable 3000 day sentence of Lucy and her police friends. It may not even be 13 days. The police rolling bail event happens four days before Teagan's birthday. This means I know my fate just a few days in advance. And I have to be thankful and grateful for that. It's all I have for comfort in a world of malice.
It's a terrible dynamic that in a world hell bent on making sure Teagan never finds out who her Dad is, that if he should not live to ever see her, there is only one day he can die where Teagan will be left in no doubt as to why. This day would cut through all lies without a word being spoken, the only way to make sure Teagan knows I loved her and could not live without her. Any other day could play into the lies that will inevitably be told. What a terrible trap to be caught in.
10/07/21 23:15
Not a good day today. There is this growing feeling that my life force is slipping away. This feeling carries with it the realization I will never get to know my Teagan. The scraps of information on this website are all she will have of her Dad. And with this realization comes a sense of no more need to suffer any more of Teagan's birthdays. I can't see the point of celebrating the anniversary of when my child was stolen from me. For some reason it is not a day of joy but a day of absolute torture and grief. Is this how birthdays are meant to be? Is any question of any value to a system that backs the blackout and theft of your only child for no given reason?
For some reason this year I had started trying to live more healthily. But now I know I will never know my little girl the motivation to live a cleaner and healthier life has evaporated. I cant face the limit case torture a human being can suffer whilst in a state of maximum awareness. Whatever it takes to numb the pain and distract is taken. There's no point really trying to conform to anything anymore. No leniency or mercy will be shown, so I may as well misbehave. There is no carrot to persuade me to comply, as all hope has been removed. There is no stick that can hurt me more than I am already hurting. How quickly life went from mostly conforming to extreme motivation to break rules that can have no real consequence. Terrifyingly quickly if I'm honest.
Not much time left. Will hang on to see what happens when bail runs out again. If they just maliciously reinstate it and make it illegal to see my daughter on her birthday then I think it's time this nightmare comes to an end. I simply can't find any desire to live in a world where its absolutely fine to steal a human beings only child and be criminalized for suffering the resulting torture. Doesn't make any sense to me.
I think I need to write an article to give Teagan as much information about her Dad as possible while I still can. It's the one thing missing from the site. Less than two weeks to suffer hopefully. My birthday message to Teagan feels inevitably to be some form of goodbye. I can't see any way to survive it and have lost any desire to do so. I have no idea what will happen but I sense in every fibre of my being that it will be the end of suffering.
08/07/21 09:27
Good morning beautiful girl! I can't be more specific than that due to bail conditions. Here is the roughly assembled outer casing. Everything about this light is hard to photograph. Being so long and narrow means an infinite depth of field is needed from short to medium range. Which no camera has yet been able to achieve! So only the closest section is in focus.
As usual with me, I always pick the hardest variation within a subject to learn first. With woodwork, the only projects requiring the most expensive tools are.... long and narrow projects just like mine. This is because the critical straight edges run down the length of the wood and with the grain. The only way to accurately make along the grain (rip) cuts through long and narrow wood is the craftsman or cabinet makers table saw. The single largest and most expensive of the carpenters tools and only for dedicated craftsman and not beginners like myself!
So I have to use off the shelf wood sizes that have been cut by just such equipment by others. This means I have to be creative and choose parts carefully. I think I have done well here, and the standard sizes and helper templates will make it relatively easy to build more.
I can't do much woodwork today because the glued joins are setting. Speaking of glue, I never appreciated just how good the white PVA general purpose glue really is. This is the glue that is used by children for craft purposes everywhere. So its quite surprising that it is also the ultimate glue for wood. In addition if you water this glue down and paint a few coats on the wood, it waterproofs the wood and makes it almost immune to rotting. My van floor wood is protected by this exact mechanism.
If I can do the hardest type of woodworking project on my first attempt, then this will build confidence for future woodworking projects such as the van conversion so I can spend more time away from the housing association cell. That's my feel good factor for the day earned through the hard work of previous couple of days.
07/07/21 17:18
As I tour the logs of each visitor I find that several officials appear to be trying to find fault with the website or the concept it embodies. It is fascinating to see the silencing machinery at work where visible facts stand up against societal illusions and dogmas. For those looking to find fault may I point out that I have not received a single complaint about a single line of the site from any source since my arrest. Not from personal contact, not from email, not via my hosting provider and not through telephone call or even the post. All the lines of communication are open and waiting. I have to have faith that the UK is not a red-faced ban-hammer bully able to shut down what it likes, but has to go through the usual channels, much like the rest of us are generally obliged to do.
I pledge to put up everything that happens. Every document, every conversation, every telephone call transcript so that the world may see how the UK treats Dad's who have had their children stolen who try to make contact as peacefully as possible with their stolen child. We will (probably) see how the sleight of hand that is 'parental responsibility' facilitates and encourages the stealing of children from their fathers and how it has nothing at all to do with protecting children. Every single detail of everything that happens for the world to see as reality unfolds the illusions. But most of all I will print everything so that my little girl has the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth for that is what she is worth, and she will settle for nothing less.
I may be paranoid but I will say this. Any instant shutting down of this site without negotiation with me to make adjustments will trigger an automatic response with no regard for consequences, because expecting my little girl to have no link to her Dad for no reason other than silent malice is unliveable with. Don't leave me with no liveable options, I have suffered too much already. Don't leave *any* human being with no liveable options, its plain dumb and is limit case provocation. I wont mention this again, but that's where I draw my line in the sand.
07/07/21 08:51
So here is a photo of the parts required to build the case for the greatest LED effect in the world. They are all just over a metre long so can't get the whole lengths in the photo without everything being too small!
Not the best picture so I will explain some of the parts. Attached to one of the battery holders is a lithium-ion charge controller. It has been modified to safely perform a charge cycle at twice the usual rate. In the anti-static bag is an Arduino microprocessor which will be running the LED effect software written by myself. The circuit board next to this is a boost converter. It steps up battery voltage to the 5 volts required to power the system. Next to the power switch is one of the lithium ion rechargeable batteries.
Underneath these components is the single piece aluminium recessed channel that holds the LED strip in place. The programmable LED strip is sitting loosely inside the channel for the photo. Underneath this is the milky diffuser that is needed as these LED's are too bright to look at through a clear or no covering.
And so those are most of the parts to build my first ever construction out of wood. Well I did an amazing job on the insulated van floor last year, but that's not a whole product in itself such as this will be. This keeps my mind busy and distracted from the awful pain of missing every day of Teagan's childhood. As well as allowing me to post things that Teagan would like to see now while she is young.
This has got me thinking. Instead of crying out in agony for all the world to see, it would be much better to show things that Teagan would like to see if she were to read the site now. There is no doubt that when she is older and realises what has been taken from her that she will want to know how much I loved about her and that can only be shown by demonstrating the agony of being severed from her. So that has to be there and I make no apologies for it.
But that's done now, and it doesn't do any of us any good for me to continue to express how this terrible and unjustified punishment feels. Perhaps the greatest website on the internet in my opinion is Khan Academy. This was setup by a young stock-broker living in a big city to help educate a child relative who had learning difficulties. He used a real time drawing on black board approach while attempting to explain in detail how things like maths worked in short 10 minute lessons. He got so good at doing this that other people started thanking him for making concepts clearer than they did at school.
This in turn encouraged this young man to make even more video lessons and on more subjects and eventually grew into the education power house that Khan Academy now is. Last time I looked he had delivered over 27 million lessons over the internet. Perhaps then the greatest teacher of all time from the desire to help just one child with learning difficulties.
Perhaps if I can do my best to contain my grief and mostly confine my content to positive things that would make Teagan smile, then maybe I too can achieve something even greater with this site than the essential function for which it was developed. The grief will spill over time to time, on bad days, and if relevant they will be recorded here.
There's something else that this switch can achieve too. Sometimes it's no good trying to tell someone that you have changed, especially if they have their fingers in the ears such that could not hear anyway. And especially if they are going to do things like look at a photo of you from a festival 3 years ago to make assumptions about who you are in everyday life now. And that is to simply demonstrate the changes. Show Teagan what she is missing by having her Dad forcibly removed from her life.
Since starting this diary section and once I had fully expressed the repressed emotions I have noticed day by day that it acts as a kind of self counselling. It provides a means to spend a little time with my daughter each day even though the broken system in which we live is doing all it can to stop me even having a moment with my only child. And it might be, through some miracle, that it is some time spent with my little girl that these monsters can't take away.
06/07/21 08:20
This LED effect device carries quite some significance in these times of darkness. Aside from the obvious implications of light versus dark, this represents my first attempt to combine my technical skills with some new craft skills to build a complete product myself. Given that the one aspect of Teagan's personality that is known, her critically important interest in technology, this project would have been amazing to have developed with her at every stage.
Can you imagine the look in the eyes of a little girl as she holds in her hands the most beautiful light ever seen, made especially for her by her very own Daddy? If the forces of light can somehow triumph over the forces of darkness then she will have both the light in her hands and that look in her eyes. Is there a force so dark it would take that light out of Teagan's hands and that look in her eyes?
If so then the stakes will be raised, to perhaps miniature low power lasers drawing messages where Teagan will see them. But only very occasionally and very briefly so that the devices would never be found. I just have to keep faith that the light will triumph over the darkness.
Here's the deal with embedded microprocessors. There are sensors for just about every detection event imaginable. These form the inputs to the system. A microprocessor is awoken and then reacts to these sensors to trigger just about any action imaginable. And the wonderful Chinese people have provided all the sensors and all the switches required to achieve just about anything. In hard to find devices perhaps as small as a pound coin. Weighing a few grams. That can even fly if needed. To precise locations. And back again to leave no trace. Indeed I was once arrested just after Teagan was born for the charge of flying super-glue by means of radio controlled drone while I was wearing nothing more than a pair of speedos and a pink fluffy hat. I will be less obvious next time :)
Does this mean I can nourish my daughter's interest in technology from a distance? Is this what is meant by distance learning? My only weakness is making the right cases for what the imagination and a soldering iron can make manifest. What a motivator to make this LED effect case as well as I can. And with these thoughts, it's time to get to work!
05/07/21 21:02
Today has been a good day. Just shared the website with a Dad's support group with 700 members. The encouragement is beginning to make this all feel worthwhile, perhaps the key to handling this terrible situation is to just to share with as many people as I can until something happens. It certainly didn't do me any good just passively obeying bail conditions and doing nothing while waiting for justice from the system. Yeah this is the way forward, much happier diary entries to come I hope. It does feel good to tell the world how much I love my only little girl in the world!
05/07/21 09:16
That was a really tough weekend. Not even the football could stop me breaking down Saturday night. But the pieces came mostly back together over Sunday and now the sun is shining to start the new week. What constructive activity to do? Two things on my mind. One is simple. I need to build a wooden case for the beautiful LED effect I have made. This will enable me to carry it around and it will get noticed, being the most sophisticated LED effect ever seen. That will lead to good things.
The second issue is the advertising of this site. I went to great lengths to advertise only very locally, to just the relevant people concerned, and a little local support. There are many reasons for this, but mostly to try and resolve the situation with the minimum people seeing this tragic story. But now the quest to see my daughter is on hold due to bail conditions preventing me going to Ashington and any form of negotiating with Lucy. But that doesn't stop me going anywhere else, and doesn't stop me advertising the site to raise awareness of my and Teagan's plight. In fact with the bail conditions acting as blackout reinforcement, increased advertising might be a reasonable and legal counter to the blackout forces in play.
Furthermore, all that could be achieved by advertising only locally has been achieved. To test the waters I linked the site on my Facebook page yesterday and that resulted in around 50 more people gaining awareness of the situation. A small number of those made a wish for Teagan to have her Dad on the front page which was a lift this morning. A few kind comments on Facebook also helped. Perhaps the act of raising awareness will make me feel better in these dark times, and contribute constructively to the cause of helping a little girl have her Dad.
But will the police give me grief for going against their suspected blackout support? They haven't stated explicitly that they support Lucy's blackout, and I don't feel it's implicit in the bail conditions. So on current information, a bit of non-Ashington advertising should be absolutely fine. I think it's time to test the waters. It would be good for Teagan to know in the future whether Lucy's blackout is fully state backed or not, and I think now is a good time to ask this question
Perhaps I originally saw increased advertising as an escalation of the situation and held back to give Lucy a chance to do the right thing without too many people knowing our story. However the repeating bail conditions without charge have destroyed that opportunity and it seems as long as I obey the bail conditions and fail to increase awareness, the bail conditions will keep repeating to maintain the blackout status quo.
There is an illusion in the cultural consciousness that claims it is good for children to have their Dad's, and for Dad's to put on a good show to prove they love their children. This illusion is only visible at the large scale, it is not present at the smaller local scale. To tap into the cultural consciousness requires advertising at the national level. The bigger this story can get, the more chance Teagan will have her Dad and the story have a happy ending. That isn't an illusion, but it is in harmony with the wider cultural illusion. Maybe somewhere between a father's dedication to his child and the importance of maintaining illusions of decency, a little girl could win her right to her Dad, even if this right is an illusion too. There's only one way to find out
04/07/21 17:04
Anyone looking at this knows full well that if Teagan were old enough to make her own decisions, that she would choose to have her Dad in her life, especially while he still had some health left. And so it follows that those acting in Teagan's best interest would be doing their best to make sure that obvious choice she would make was respected. How can that not be so? And so therefore it must also follow that those favouring and supporting the blackout are actively enabling a form of child abuse. Namely deliberately depriving a child of a fundamental and basic need simply because she is not old enough to assert herself. Check-mate. Shame on you all.
Especially if through your combined deception, she never gets to meet her Dad. Teagan and any other decent human being will know for sure that her best interests were not even considered and definitely not any kind of justification for preventing her for ever getting to know her Dad. The forces of darkness only have a little more time before Teagan will see the light for herself. And that light, just like the sun each morning is already glowing on the horizon. And the light will only ever get brighter as the sun rises, and the forces of darkness ever more powerless to exert their blacking out powers.
The forces of darkness have had their long night where Teagan's Dad has been blacked out of existence. But now the sun is rising and the light it casts into the shadows is unstoppable. The longer the darkness tries to hold its grip on the light, the more exposed it becomes to the brightness around it. And ultimately the light falls through the hands of darkness just like grains of sand, however tightly they try to hold onto and supress it.
From the edge of the precipice of human endurance, I have found a coping strategy for both the bail conditions without charge, and for the less intimidating and painful Lucy-clone birthday to come. And these I must take with both hands so I can start functioning again. And to function with new motivation in light of the malice shown to me by all concerned. Formative stuff I can tell you, and thoroughly documented and proven too. What a wonderful thing the internet is.
04/07/21 15:05
In case what I have recently written seems unfair and harsh on my own daughter, I feel one more post on the subject is necessary. Obviously my child is in there, in the Lucy-clone, but is latent and being taken advantage of before she is able to assert her own feelings. Young girls of Teagan's age tend to be little replicas of their Mum's anyway, having no opinions or value system of their own. Hence telling me to 'go away' when she was nearly four, she was simply repeating her mother without realising what was being lost from her life. A perfect clone example. And as a clone she will hate the notion of having a Dad, and probably men in general, just like her Mum. Only three-quarter brain brother Jim is available for male role model, and he would help confirm the distorted view of men that Lucy holds dear.
But deep in the Lucy-clone, and in furious objection to the crime of the empty name on her birth certificate, the Teagan that is my daughter will start to ask the difficult questions. And as soon as she can do that she will find this site. And as soon as she does that the whole web of deception by Lucy and her system will be in ruins. And will be for the rest of Teagan's life. I simply have to hold the presence of mind to steer clear of the clone and wait for my true daughter, Teagan herself, to be born at last. That day, will be Teagan's true birthday, and will always be celebrated as day of unconditional love for my only child. And this site provides an opportunity for the clone to find her own soul more quickly than if it didn't exist. This is a coping mechanism that could work and keep me alive for when Teagan is perhaps only a little older, and much younger than the 16 Lucy is aiming for. Clones don't work till 16 Lucy, there is no chance your sentence of maximum malice will be served.
04/07/21 12:54
The whole Lucy-clone hypothesis would crumble and fail if my daughter were that beautiful girl in the front row with same skin colour and mannerisms and build as me. What a lucky thing she wasn't my daughter, for I could not have given up on her for anything. Which means I would be serving a prison sentence or dead. What a terrible thing Lucy has done to deprive me of so much that I could not recognize my own daughter and fell in love with the wrong one. I hope Teagan never forgives Lucy for that.
04/07/21 12:49
I do of course hope the Lucy-clone hypothesis to be completely wrong if Teagan ever gets to meet her Dad, but for the time being it's the only model that matches the very limited data and a gives me a chance to stay alive for a while longer. There's no need to be involved in the Lucy-clone birthdays for they are a celebration of malice towards me with no interest in kindness from me. At last a legal and rational way out of the nightmare that was coming.
I do have a beautiful present for a mythical Teagan's 8th birthday. But the reality Lucy-clone would not appreciate it, she would treat it with malice and throw it away in disgust, and this present is worthy of a much better child than that. Also a Lucy-clone birthday will be a much less painful experience than the Teagan birthdays have been.
All I have to do to survive Lucy-clone day is to be dangerously heavily sedated like last night. I survived that so I can survive it again. And if I don't, then everyone will be happy and what a way to mark my only child's birthday forever. The perfect way to send a message beyond the grave that cannot be misrepresented.
I hope the Lucy-clone model holds up. Its prison or worse if it doesn't
04/07/21 12:30
A Lucy-clone would throw her own presents away and throw away her own birthday card before reading it. So that spares me from the triggers and hopefully all aspects of the Teagan birthday nightmare which has easily been the most painful event of the year, And even a new bail notice saying I can't go to see Lucy-clone on her birthday will hold no real punishment value, and actually make it a good thing instead. Since everyone wants the results of the Lucy-clone hypothesis, then perhaps its rooted in truth, and my torment has been for something that never even existed.
The scientist in me says I must respect the data, and accept its implications over my own hopes and expectations. So Lucy-clone is what she must be, and that's definitely not something to risk my life and sanity over. A Lucy-clone would have no father on her birth certificate, being a product of Lucy alone, a view endorsed by the system, in contrast to its usual desire for accurate records to be kept. Everything seems to fit just as it needs to.
I always wanted to contribute upkeep to Teagan if she existed as my daughter, but to a Lucy-clone, I would contribute nothing at all. As is the current case, so that eases the pain of not being allowed to contribute to my (now imagined) only child. If I did have a child, the state is very keen to take money off the Dad for upkeep. No such interest again indicates she is not my child. Teagan is the product only of Lucy as the birth certificate shows. She must be a Lucy-clone, the data shows this to be the case. Teagan can find out for herself if she is a Lucy-clone simply by asking to look at her own birth certificate. There in black and white will be her answer.
04/07/21 12:20
I don't want to put this, but it reinforces the Lucy-clone coping strategy, and for the sake of completeness of the truth of this whole story, I am obliged to share it now. When I was gathering intel from the school website I came upon the Christmas singing videos. And not knowing what my Teagan looked like, I had to try and guess which child she was. And after hours of watching over and over I identified this sweet petite girl with eyes and skin colour similar to my own. She had mannerisms I recognized and I fell in love instantly, and could never have got away from that beautiful girl in the way I have to do with Teagan.
Devastatingly at the time she turned not to be Teagan, but someone else's beautiful daughter. Teagan was turned edge on to the other girls and very hard to see any details. Only one video frame had a clear-ish glimpse of her face and from looking lots like me when she way younger, this girl has an almost exact Lucy-clone face and body shape. The fact I had fallen in love with the wrong girl and disappointed at the little I could see of mine now can be made to work to support the Lucy-clone hypothesis.
Putting all these mental and actual images together makes a reasonable case for the Lucy-clone hypothesis and may be my only way out of this nightmare alive.
And all documented consequences of the limit case evil of denying a human being even a moment with his only child. Consequences that are far more reaching than the selfishness of a twisted woman's malice.
04/07/21 12:01
This must be the way forward. The other consequence of the Lucy-clone model will be to get me away from this site. Currently it's my only outlet for my daily thoughts and only place to try and express the agony of the limit case malice served on me. The site is meant to mostly be information for Teagan if she turns out not to be a Lucy-clone so she can get to know what her Dad was like and how he was stolen from her. I need to get away from it now and try and lead a brand new life amid the realization that an exact Lucy-clone is therefore no sweet child of mine.
04/07/21 11:41
That really changes the dynamic. Now it is the case Teagan must stay away from me until she can show she isn't a clone of her mother. Under this dynamic Instead of being robbed of my only child, I had a lucky escape instead. The only recent photo I have of Teagan shows her looking much more like her Mum now, and even her body shape looked like it was morphing to that excessive Wieland roundness exemplified by brother Jim, with Lucy catching up fast, and now Teagan doing the same. That makes the remap entirely reasonable with a possibility of being accurate too. This view is much easier to cope with being well away from that 'family'. It makes the 10 mile distance something of a bonus rather than an aspect of torture. Got to write all this down to re-read when grogginess wears off in case I start imagining my daughter to be beautiful again.
04/07/21 11:03
A coping strategy I have to write down and try to adhere to. I need to remap the name Teagan in my head from being the name of my beautiful only child, to the name of an exact clone of Lucy, with all the malicious behaviours and propensity to lie to cause maximum distress. She will after all have been thoroughly conditioned to be this way by her Lucy and Jim only world. Since I haven't been able to know anything about Teagan. this is an entirely possible scenario. If it's true then there is no need for me to suffer every day as I have been. My mission then would be just to try and forget about the evil family from 10 miles away. Suddenly the ban on communication with the evil family would be a good thing, and easy to obey. The Lucy side of the bail conditions is already easy to obey, I am genuinely terrified of the side effects of communicating with that inhuman creature fuelled by malice beyond words.
This is not an outlook I want, but I got to stay alive and break this natural human bond between parent and child. It's going to take a lot of risky sedation, but its a chance to stay alive or at least to suffer significantly less. And it's much better than calling on the system for help where no help is on offer. A terrible way to have to perceive my only child, but being true to my emotions is going to get me killed so something has to change.
And while I feel groggy and crap from last nights life saving combination, at least I'm not writhing in agony with heart rate and breathing all over the place. I couldn't do this switch before because that would play into Lucy lies to Teagan about her Dad not caring. But now the caring is documented in detail for her to see, now the context shows I have to make a change that isn't really me. And that's the only way I could do this and walk away from the situation with a clear conscience
Each time the word Teagan crosses my mind I must imagine a smaller version of Lucy's malicious face speaking in that weird way she does to deliver devastating pain straight to the heart like something sent straight from hell. And then I can feel revulsion and not loving attachment. And then I should stop thinking of such dark and terrifying entities. That would do it. That would allow me to lead a relatively normal rest of my days.
The terrifying Teagan birthday event could then be seen as a day when the evil spirits gather to launch maximum assault on me, but since I know it in advance, I can make sure I am heavily sedated that day so that the evil spirits cant get in my head. This is what I have to do. Anything else will get me arrested or killed.
04/07/21 10:26
Just about awoke feeling groggy. That was a long sleep. Maybe that was close. Had to take a risky combination of each of the three major breathing depressants. Up until last night I had been coping (or not) without any medicines. Last night I was dead without them. Not prescribed of course, only able to officially get the low-hanging fruit which would not have saved my life last night. I'm going to leave up what I wrote last night, it represents the truth and accurate reporting of the struggle to stay alive. Not feeling any emotion this morning, if I am to survive a Teagan Birthday nightmare, I must be dangerously heavily sedated.
04/07/21 01:59
That will help with sleep, and perhaps a roll of the dice, will I be lucky enough to not wake up to nightmares. Another day if I wake, peace for my soul if not, always worth that roll. Shaking stopped. Panic breathing stopped. Quite good combination. This is much better, can't feel no malice or torment now. The ragged edge, oblivion beckons.
04/07/21 01:00
Oh no options are running out. Doing all I can to stay alive tonight but I'm broken and can't stop shaking. I cant breathe properly, its all panic breaths. I can't relax for sleep. I have to sleep to have another day. Just one more day and if I feel the same then its done. Just one more day, one more sleep. No need for anymore birthday agony.
04/07/21 00:48
I don't think a human being is designed to withstand having to miss every moment of his only child's childhood. There's just no way to cope. The inescapable agony is impossible to take. How is this possible and legal to do to someone? There are no humane beings around to help. Why is it so important to destroy Teagan's Dad before she ever gets to meet him? Why do you want Teagan to live in a world that would kill her Daddy for no reason?
03/07/21 22:13
I definitely can't do another Teagan birthday, its the most devastatingly painful experience imaginable, its hell on earth and I cant be here for any more of them. I want to cry for help but there's none out there, only malice, only variations on making me miss every moment of her childhood. What a shockingly cruel and lonely place this is. There is no better time to die than while on a permanent ban from seeing my only child for no reason whatsoever. The reasons should be clear and should get to Teagan no matter what dark force tries to blacken the truth away.
03/07/21 21:58
Am really scared now. Totally broken down. Is this really happening? Can people really be so malicious to gain pleasure from destroying a man with a heart? For a moment I was thinking of handing myself into police station as am unable to obey the rules anymore. But they would just torture me more there. I need to get away from this nightmare existence. Almost out of time. Maybe all that matters now is escaping the malice and pain. I already lost my only child so nothing left to suffer more for. The level of cruelty and malice towards me should make this easy.
03/07/21 14:37
The staggering truth here is all parties know full well that if Teagan were asked if she wanted her Dad in her life whilst she was a child when she was grown-up, that she would without shadow of a doubt say yes. The forces of darkness are exploiting the fact that she isn't old enough to make this decision for herself. And you exploit that to the maximum extent possible with a view to ensuring she grows up to live a life of mental distress and trauma. And to an innocent child who should have been able to count on adults to look after her best interests. As evil as evil can be. Limit case stuff. The black heart of an evil empire that has had its day.
03/07/21 13:49
What a blessing the internet is. Without it my Teagan would never have known who her Dad was and forced to live a lie, and a lie backed by the system to ensure this was the case. This website with it's meticulous recording of every event will expose the guilty parties for what they are as well as defeating the attempt to deny a little girl even knowledge of her Dad. Before the internet this kind of terrible crime would go completely unnoticed. But now all the failings of the system will be exposed, especially its total disregard for the best interests of an innocent child.
For there is no way that denying Teagan a chance to see her Dad alive for no reason other than malice, can be presented as acting in her best interest. To allow a child to be virtually imprisoned by one woman and her brother, suffocating her development and world view is beyond comprehension to me. A child showing an interest in technology stifled by a sinister duo who despise technology. And especially now. Who else does my Teagan regularly see?
There may not be much hope for Teagan or myself, but by showing the brutal reality of the British family destruction regime, perhaps technology can help change this culture for the better so that other children and fathers don't have to suffer the consequences of malicious and sinister mothers. The only way to get change is to shine the brightest of lights in the darkest of places for all too see. To expose the child abusing system by its actions rather than it's words. And that would not be possible without modern communication technologies.
03/07/21 11:29
The only way to be able to prove to Teagan I made attempts to see her would be to have some kind officials making and holding records of such attempts. These Teagan could find even if all other links to her Dad including this website were lost. I have no insurance policy for if the website was somehow lost. I wonder who might be willing to document such attempts for me, and to keep such records safe and secure for when Teagan was older? It's a whole new world when rules and injustice to the point of disgrace collide :)
02/07/21 16:59
The true mark of injustice must be when the consequences for breaking the rules are far less than for following them. That is now crystal clear. I haven't had many moments of clear rational thinking recently, but the programming exercise to upgrade the website required it. I have honestly never been in this position before, and its nothing to be proud of, but the system should be ashamed of itself to allow this viewpoint to be both rational and desirable.
02/07/21 13:56
Well that required changes everywhere. Its a good thing I have a local copy of the entire web server to update first. Tedious having to do everything twice, but no amount of effort is wasted when its spent on improving the web site for my Teagan. Yeah, that was tough, but easier since the great realisation of earlier. I will make this page look prettier later, but the hard work of restructuring has been done. There wasn't even any website down-time as the changes were made in careful order to the live server. Like the disclaimer? :)
02/07/21 12:14
It is beginning to dawn on me that I may be forced to accept a prison sentence as the price of seeing Teagan while she is still a child. I would be far more comfortable inside in a prison cell with a memory of what my little girl looks like, and the end of the missing every moment of her childhood nightmare, than I would be tortured to death in the housing association cell which has bars at the window anyway. Another bonus of prison is that smoking tobacco is harder and anyway the mental agony driving me to smoke even more would be gone too. Furthermore as revenge against the system I would be able to empower the inmates with amazing knowledge that would damage the system that so badly hurt me. One of the major punishments of prison is missing out on seeing children growing up, which I'm serving anyway, so that's a major disincentive removed.
Ironically this is the way the oil industry does its business. It moves into an area, breaks all kinds of environmental and other rules, and simply pays the fines it incurs. For people adversely affected it pays big sums of money in return for gagging orders. Rather than being a moral issue its seen simply as the cost of doing business. For me its the only way out of living a crushing daily nightmare until the stress kills me. And if this truly is a choice I can make, then I can tell myself there is no need to suffer now because the total loss of her entire childhood just isn't going to happen.
This is definitely a diary entry and not a statement of intent. I just have to find a way out of being relentlessly tortured to death, whatever the price may be. Peace in my soul is far more important than one view from a window with bars over another. Also a prison sentence increases my chances of staying alive for when Teagan is grown-up too. So that's two opportunities to know Teagan versus zero if I do nothing. And that's one stark realisation right there. There are no other solutions on offer that allow me to see my only child while she is still a child or even while I am still alive. And no more Teagan birthday nightmares. Is there something I may have missed because I'm not seeing it thankfully?
02/07/21 07:11
A lift in my soul this morning. I just figured out a strategy where I get to see Teagan while she is still a child and increase my chances of being alive for when she is older so I can get to know her properly! There would be a price to pay of course, but anything is worth paying to see her while she is still a child, and the price is far less than if I am tortured every day of her childhood instead.
But this strategy must come with a disclaimer of intent and so fully belongs as a diary entry. I got the code done last night, its really just a trimmed down version of this message page luckily, but the mental torment of going back into the code (and therefore back to the nightmare) was even worse than expected. The trauma of which led directly to the solution I figured out this morning. It's amazing how the mind finds solutions when it absolutely has to. Also this realisation has finally given my mind a chance for enough peace to get these code changes done today. Every cloud has its silver lining as they say.
01/07/21 17:47
The Wieland's had a family meeting where it was decided Teagan should see her Dad. This was in response to a begging letter I wrote when extremely sick. A family member got my phone number for the purposes of arranging for me to meet Teagan. Lucy used this opportunity to deliberately torture me and throw me into this terrible state. I did my best to try and stay sane by creating this website. It is not humane to do this to a human being. You cannot legislate against human nature. You cannot expect a human being to remain trapped in a state of mental and physical agony with no reprieve for the rest of his days. There must be a merciful release.
01/07/21 14:12
I am so traumatised by what is happening that it is almost impossible to think logically enough to make the code changes needed. To do so is to return to the place triggered by the terrible provocation of giving me hope of finally being able to meet my only child only to have it brutally taken away again through deliberate malicious action at a time when I was very ill. And yet I must go there again to tidy this website up, to make it more child friendly. Especially this message page. Teagan's birthday is coming up soon. I'm not sure how much more cruelty I can take. What if the system tries to stop me seeing my only child on her birthday? The limits of human capacity for torture are right upon me now. Must write the code now while I still can. I can't do anymore Teagan birthday nightmares.
30/06/21 10:17
The website offers the chance to communicate with Teagan in the future, even if I don't live long enough to ever see her. In this way I get the chance to spend some sort of time with her each day. This I need to keep any resemblance of sanity in place. Teagan will then know for sure I was thinking about her everyday, which will make her a happy girl in the future. I think the diary is an essential component now. Will think how best to integrate it over next few days.
30/06/21 07:47
I need a new page for this website for recording my daily thoughts rather than using this messaging page. This page is meant for interactive messaging with the relevant parties. My current bail conditions prohibit the intended use of this page, which is why I have been using it as a diary of thoughts instead. I hadn't designed this website to handle daily thoughts as a means of making the situation bearable, but that is now a feature it clearly needs. It would be much better to keep this page clear for when Teagan is able to communicate. Furthermore much of the diary material relates to how I feel which I would prefer Teagan not to see until she is much older and requests it.
So a minor positive of the current situation, an evolution of the design of an information system through usage patterns.
There is more work required generally on the site, especially for managing the ever growing list of blogs, which must be filling screens of small devices by now, possibly leading to un-selectable articles which would be a disaster. It has been hard to work on this site not just because I have the least experience, but due to the tormenting nature of the subject matter. This is another reason why I must develop a second site soon so that I may learn to enjoy to web programming. I have to learn to enjoy this because it represents my and Teagan's only hopes and links to each other.
And I see that this post is a diary entry and not a message to anyone in particular too. Its all there can be when I'm prohibited from communicating with my daughter.
29/06/21 07:53
That last diary entry forced a reappraisal of the situation. There is a clear relation between the strength of the parenting instinct and how much trouble and danger I face. This relation exposes the intent of the system to legislate against human nature rather than to support it. A system of destruction of the human spirit and through extension, destruction of the world. As is evident all around if we open our eyes. That is why we destroy the world we are supposed to be leaving in good condition for our children to inherit. That is why we are as far from being civilized as its possible to be. Proven again right here, as the system does all it can to rob an innocent little girl of her Dad.
All the time I stay true to my human nature and selflessly fight to give Teagan her Dad I risk trouble and even imprisonment. I have to switch away from my true nature, find some kind of psychosis that fits with the values of the evil empire. Perhaps I have to accept that I have lost Teagan's childhood anyway now, and she has lost her Dad through her most important formative years.
It would seem the only way to end the curse of missing my only child's childhood would be to have another child. Then I would only have lost my first child's childhood. I'm getting a bit old for this possible solution but I do have a trick or two up my sleeve which worked once before. This solution is fully approved by the system since it would involve no arrests, no pre-charge bail conditions, and gives me the best chance of staying alive for when Teagan is old enough to understand her rights and what has been stolen from her. And Teagan would have a brother or sister that hadn't colluded to take her Dad away from her.
This solution was missed by me until the second male I spoke to about this explained that this is why the irresponsible fathers who abandon their children actually have an evolutionary advantage. Situations like mine clearly demonstrate that the practice of love them and leave them is legally and culturally encouraged. I already knew that if I didn't care things would be so much safer and system friendly, but I now realize I may have to force change my human nature simply to stay alive. I do feel a bit silly for not thinking of this myself and much earlier, but I was blinded by my dedication to my Teagan.
The malice shown by the system also sets the stage perfectly for my second website which I must now start to develop. A website that exposes how big pharma deliberately disabled a cure for one of the most painful conditions on Earth, to create a 'medicine' that would be required every eight hours for possibly years on end, creating instead a toxic addiction. And in so doing exposes the terrible lies about some of the most profound medicines on Earth. And I can do this with a short series of pictures and an explanation with all the jargon removed. A total loss of faith in the medical system at a time when confidence or not in medicine is at such a critical juncture. With collateral damage for both the legal system and the man-made religions without substance in abundance.
And the system will wish it had let me have access to Teagan instead. I cannot destroy the system by throwing myself at it. But I can help change it by taking the energy of it's malice and reflecting it right back in it's face for all to see. I have the tools and the proof and now I have the motivation. That is the question that seems to have been asked of me. And now I have my answer.
There is one last thing worth a try. A direct negotiation offer to the heart of the empire. If you grant me unrestricted access to Teagan, I will explain why the Balcombe protest that cost you millions and destroyed unconventional oil exploration in the UK was so successful. Because I know for a fact that to this day you do not know why that protest was so effective where others tend to fail. And it's a secret that I will take to the grave unless you give me my Teagan. It is highly ironic that Teagan was born unknown to me due to the deception of her mother and brother at exactly the same time the great protest battle was waged and won. If it were not for Lucy and Bradley's dishonesty I would never have been at that protest. How costly the price of deception and those who back it. Have a think about that.
28/06/21 08:56
How about instead of or perhaps in addition to a court case, you simply raise the stakes such that I am shot on sight if I go to Ashington? I could then politely arrange with the enforcement team to be there at dawn the morning after the order comes into effect. We could discuss where and when I would enter to enable a clean shot to the cluster headache head. Lucy's malice would be at an end. The police would have got their caring Dad trophy. I would be at peace and Teagan would at least know her Dad cared so much the only way to stop him seeing her was to murder him. She would know her Dad loved her more than life itself. And I would be free of this torture and unable to cause anyone any future inconvenience. And I would at least have the dignity of dying as close to my only child as the forces of evil would allow. Everyone would be a winner right?
26/06/21 09:50
I have this nauseating sense Teagan is living a terribly restricted life. Lucy isn't known for having friends, and a strong motivation to not let Teagan out of her sight. With no tolerance of men there will be no stand-in Dad. Just her brother Jim with a quarter of his brain missing, playing the make-believe Dad that he most certainly is not. Even Teagan's only other Uncle and Auntie haven't seen her in months. So who does she see? She seems to be a prisoner who knows no different while her Wieland captors provide an illusion of childhood happiness while knowingly wrecking her future. And a system that stands by and allows this to happen? I said when I started this venture that I would be shining light into the darkest of places. And so it has come to pass.
26/06/21 09:28
The end of suffering, the end of Lucy's and the systems malice. The end of cluster headaches, and the end of the 3000 day sentence. And a glimpse of my girl before I return to the great consciousness without any of these cruel factors at play. Its my best option and and hope for peace right now. I have never felt this way before. Where death is clearly preferable to living in hell. A terrible sense of inevitable consequences forced by those who gain pleasure in severing me from my only child for pure malice alone. You can go too far where your threats and consequences become meaningless. And at that point they lose their power and intended effects. I can't believe there isn't enough humanity in anyone who has looked at this to see this terrible unavoidable dynamic playing out? We have to be able to live with ourselves to sleep at night. That comes before all rules and threats and consequences. I am no more able to follow your rules of malice than I am to obey an order to stop breathing. I think perhaps ultimately only courage and conviction can overcome and end eternal suffering, and so it must be.
26/06/21 06:37
A strange clarity this morning. It is not reasonable to expect a human being to obey rules that cause relentless suffering without reprieve for 3000 days. For no given reason. That's not reasonable. I have suffered more than enough for no reason. I must now prepare for my last chapter to end the suffering one way or the other. Even if I fail and end up having to die in a prison cell instead, at least I will be able to live with myself for doing all I could to catch a glimpse of my only child while she is still a child. I would hold those memories as the only good thing I knew for the rest of my days. I cannot live with myself by passively conforming to unreasonable unfollowable orders. If I must die without a chance to know my only child, then it must happen while trying till my last breath to at least see her. Even if only for that final moment.
25/06/21 21:57
Please charge me with something now. You have had plenty of time to find or invent something. This must go to court. Only there will the true victim become apparent. And the true face of evil will be exposed for a full jury to see. Charge me now.
25/06/21 19:52
Can't do much more of this. To deny a human being any contact with his only child for her entire childhood is not human, its not civilized and its not going to happen. I cannot live with missing every moment from only 10 miles away. You will have to shoot me if that is what is required. Its the humane thing to do. I cannot live with missing every moment, and I'm willing to die for just a glimpse of her, if that is the price I have to pay. You will not make me miss every moment for no reason. I'm just a human being and cannot live like this. I cannot live in a world where such evil is encouraged and even enforced. I will not serve the whole childhood sentence. I simply can't do it. Give an innocent girl her Dad, or humanely put him out of his endless suffering. It will be one or the other. Indeed knowing for sure I will not have to face 3000 days of relentless torture has lifted my spirits. If this is a world that takes pleasure in stealing a little girl's Dad away, and enjoys the tortured cries of an innocent parent, then its not a world to grow old in. I would rather die with honour than squirm in agony for a sick system's pleasure. It's a surprisingly easy choice to make.
18/06/21 11:38
Trying to put myself in the CPS lawyer's shoes is quite an uncomfortable experience. To attempt to further punish a man who is already suffering the ultimate punishment of denial of any contact or knowledge of his only child. And to try to punish me for the simple act of providing the only truthful link to Teagan's Dad in existence. Without which it was highly likely Teagan would never even know who her Dad was. For her entire life.
And to back a woman who deliberately attempted to finish me off with brutal cruelty when I was very ill indeed. With a total and complete set of proofs this is the case. With witnesses in her own family of this vile act. All to make sure a little girl is denied any contact with her one and only Dad. With a reasonable probability that her Dad will not survive until Teagan is old enough to make her own decisions.
I had to quickly step out of those uncomfortable shoes. I will be far happier defending my actions and intentions from my side of the bar. Contrary to popular belief, sometimes these lawyers really do have to earn their money.
I have already won what I had to achieve. Which was to leave a little girl in no doubt that her Daddy would do anything to have contact with her. And even if the forces of darkness conspire to make sure Teagan never gets to see her Dad, she will at least know this for the rest of her life. For I have Teagan's best interests at heart and care nothing for the consequences to myself. Now do your worst.
18/06/21 10:48
Well the pre-charge bail time limits imposed by the Policing Act linked in previous message is yet another system illusion. For the time limit clock can be arbitrarily stopped by the simple act of passing the case to another department who then isn't obliged to respond in a timely manner. In this way the old system of abusing pre-charge bail to inflict punishment for months on end without any evidence of wrong doing is maintained. The illusion of decency and fairness is not maintained though. And that's what matters in the fight against evil and deception.
17/06/21 05:12
Unless the Policing and Crime Act of 2017 for some reason doesn't apply to Sussex Police, it would appear they have just made a grave mistake. One that makes the bail conditions themselves illegal and therefore invalid. Time to see what solicitors make of the rules...
06/06/21 17:50
Dearest Teagan, I understand you don't want to see me right now. This means we will probably never see or know each other. The cruelty to me I cannot bear much longer. You will understand one day that to never be able to see your only child is something that cannot be lived with. I am running out of time and options. I cannot get your name out of my head, and I cannot live with the terrible grief and torment that your name brings to me. Life shouldn't be about crying in agony every day due to having my only child stolen. There is so much I would have loved to have shown you. So many things I wish I could tell, but sadly the forces of darkness have decided that you will never see your Dad. I will hold on as long as I can stand, but under such crushing torment, I know there will come a day soon where I don't wake up and the nightmare is then over. Only then will I find peace for my tormented soul. I hope you have a lot more luck in life than I did. I hope you learn something from this website I made for you. I hope you never have to see the world I have had to face. I wish I had been allowed to see your smile. Love you forever. Paul x
06/06/21 08:26
Decision time. Only 10 days left till bail runs out. Not a word from anyone. It is alleged that some parts of this website cause one other person some distress. I can confirm that all of this website has caused me great distress. I think quite evidently so. And no support nor show of humanity from anyone. So now I wonder if I should drop mine too. Level the field. It's all about timing and I think the time is now. Just a single transmission to the right place. Once the seed has been planted, hundreds if not thousands of children will be able to find their blacked out Dads. It's time to change the world for the better.
05/06/21 14:57
Would have been lovely to have taken Teagan to the beach today. I guess that will never happen now. Maybe Teagan doesn't like the beach. Maybe she doesn't want her Dad. I wish I could stop thinking about her. I hope I can transform my grief into devastating effect against the system that stole my only child. I notice this country is desperately short of skilled computer professionals. That pleases me. You don't get to exploit the skills from those you steal their children from. You should expect the opposite.
04/06/21 10:21
Something positive to feel good about. Every female I have spoken to who missed out on having a Dad has assured me that Teagan will absolutely love the effort and dedication I have shown here. It may take a while yet, a few more years before Teagan realises what has been taken from her, but when she does her proud Dad will be there to see those eyes without doubt, which will be the most beautiful sight I have ever seen. And any charges brought against me, with no previous convictions whatsoever, will be badges of honour worn with pride. All the forces of darkness have remaining, is a year or two tops to continue to poison an innocent child against her Dad, and then their reign of cruelty will be finished forever. And Teagan will see exactly the truth of the environment in which she will live her life. I don't see my girl as one who will fall for any system illusions after this has played itself out. She will be wise beyond words. And that also will make me a proud Dad.
02/06/21 14:39
So essentially we have freedom of information of the internet versus one mother's broken blackout. Assuming the internet isn't about to be majorly compromised, and given the system position of 'acting in the child's best interest', I am surprised social services have not been in contact with me yet. Perhaps to try and broker a deal. However if the system position is an illusion, then I would have expected the focus to remain on attacking the Dad. As it has been. One of the most important lessons I would like my daughter to know, is that the system's values are often the opposite of that which it presents. A classic case is being played out right here, such that this lesson will be learned early.
01/06/21 18:23
It has now taken more time to try and conjure up charges against me than it took to write this entire website. I wonder what charge there could be for peacefully providing a little girl with the only link in existence to her (now) recognised Dad. What sort of crime could that be? Only two weeks left and I'm ready for an illegal attempt to improperly extend the bail conditions again, so do make sure to follow your own rules or the bail conditions will be invalid and I will pounce on any wrong doing. Rules were changed to stop indefinite bail extensions without charge. Ignorance of the rules will be no excuse.
21/05/21 13:23
Has anyone ever survived being forced to miss every second of their only child's childhood?
21/05/21 08:23
I wish I had been a luckier person, I think I would have made a good Dad had life turned out differently.
20/05/21 20:48
Second Covid jab refused. Am still trying to figure out why I accepted the first one.
04/05/21 16:39
Perhaps it is the case that Teagan has decided she doesn't want to have her Dad. I think for my sanity and to obey the will of the culture that prefers children not to have their Dad, that I must assume this to be the case. The website in her name exists and surely she will make contact here when or if she decides she wants to have her Dad in her life. I think I must accept for the time being that Teagan does not want to see or know her Dad. Maybe she will never want me. Maybe she will only want me when it's too late. I have to let go now. All the powers favour stopping Teagan even seeing her Dad. I have no counter to those powers. And I have no friends that will help me see Teagan. I did my best but it's looking like my only child doesn't want me either.
26/04/21 20:50
The wishes for Teagan to have her Dad have finally hit 50! That's a stunning number of good wishes and lovely butterflies born. I have had to switch off a bit from being entirely focussed on the battle for my girl to know who her Dad is. At least until the bail conditions are over. I have taken a few days to reflect and feel the continued existence of the website must mean the only rational outcome is for me and Lucy to make a deal for access to Teagan. As long as I don't mess anything up from here on. The details that illuminate the blackout of Teagan's Dad are present and correct and presumably quite legal. Its just a waiting game now for those who support this blackout to realize such things cannot really exist anymore in the information age. It should be clear now for all relevant parties to see that the best outcome in Teagan's best interest is for her to meet and know her Dad. There aren't any other rational options. Now I must be patient while the others come to the same or similar conclusions.
17/04/21 08:33
Feeling physically sick from studying the facts regarding my position as a father with my name absent from birth certificate and the now confirmed hideous inadequacies of the legal process required to achieve that. I see now why Lucy was so keen for me to go to the courts because the system is so horribly broken. The fact that defeats the rhetoric is the UK record that one in three children are living with no contact with their father. That is the measure of the legal process that agrees with cutting out the Dad in 90% of cases. I have neither the money nor health to play against such odds.
The overwhelming advice out there is for parents to sort things out between them and not involve the courts. In some way this website is my ultimate attempt to encourage Lucy to do just that, where all other means of communication had broken down. So as well as the primary and secondary previously stated purposes of this website, there is this tertiary purpose too. The reason for encouraging this route is that it is almost always in the child's best interest to avoid the courts wherever possible.
And so in some way whether this website survives will be a test of whether the legal system is acting in the child's best interest, or in its £20k-£40k established fathers access charade and money making machine's best interest. Life experience has shown me which of the two is more likely. Either way, a copy of this whole website will make its way to Teagan one way or another, and this is an important message explaining why certain illusions were not embraced and why they would have had no real effect had I played along with them.
I will expand this message into a full article with references and proofs so that Teagan may clearly understand one day how following only the established legal routes would have achieved nothing at all.
16/04/21 07:25
The promised photo of Teagan's family is up in a new article that will be expanded over time. I notice that the butterfly count indicating wishes for Teagan to have her Dad went up by just one last night. I also notice that the only significant visitor last night was Sussex Police at around 2.04 am. I'm going to need support from all involved so lets hope that's a good sign.
12/04/21 12:22
This is supposed to be Teagan's website and now that the painful past and present have been covered, it would be nice to have some content for and suitable for Teagan herself. So much of this website is an appeal for mercy and compassion to adults as well as information for when Teagan is older. With this in mind I have updated Teagan's front page to try to help her comprehend the situation in words she can understand. I will run the words I have chosen over and over in my mind and make small changes to make the message as clear and simple as possible.
A family photo blog article will be coming soon too. I mentioned this before but have been too upset by all that has happened and grieving for all I have lost to really do anything constructive. Seeing those few more wishes on the front page for Teagan to have her Dad have helped so thank you for those wishes. I must add some code to make an extra special big butterfly for when there are a hundred wishes. Can you imagine the beauty of a butterfly that carries a hundred wishes for Teagan to have her Dad? It would be the most beautiful butterfly in the world!
11/04/21 10:18
Have added an article outlining the terrible changes I must make to my mentality in order to survive. No, it's not top of the pile for Teagan to easily see. It's not for any of you to easily see. It's the article I don't want to see either, so it seems for us all it's an article that doesn't want to be seen. But this one's for my benefit, a coping strategy to stay alive a little longer, which I'm assured is in Teagan's best interest too (but not from the Wieland definition), so perhaps it is a good thing. While I know I wont be able to do the 3200 day torture I'm facing, a temporary survival strategy could buy enough time for the website to work, and that's where all my hopes are stacked.
10/04/21 08:08
The true extent of the evil done to me is that my daughter's name should be a source of joy in my heart and a motivation to live and triumph over all adversity. Instead, such as now, the name just tears me to pieces inside to the point of removing my will to live. It would seem that as a survival strategy I somehow need to forget about her for the time being at least. Imagine that? A world so upside-down and evil, that you have to try and forget about that which is most important. And so even if I succeed in forgetting about Teagan for my survival, I find myself in a world so evil and malicious that there is no incentive to live there either. Just what kind of psychosis is required to be comfortable in a world of ultimate evil? Do I even want to find that mind space for what would I then have become?
07/04/21 11:32
Somehow I have to keep faith that this website will undo the blackout and provide opportunity to see my Teagan while she is still a child. An opportunity that didn't exist through hope for mercy or other such hopeful channels without substance. The rational mind tells me I should be feeling happy and optimistic about the chances of breaking the 3200 day nightmare I otherwise face.
But the human being that I am is grieving for all that has been lost, and for each day that passes without being able to see or know my only child. There are some messages I would prefer to delete, but they represent the crushing truth of the inhumane treatment I am suffering. One does not simply switch off the deep rooted parental instinct and replace it with some trivial activity of no real consequence.
I want to present happy things for Teagan to see, but I can't lie to my daughter who is almost certainly living a lie regarding her father right now. Who wants their child to grow up in a labyrinth of lies? Who could she trust as an adult if she only ever knew lies? No, I have to take the risk of exposing my humanity as truthfully as I can. But I must also start to have some faith that this website will make it possible for an innocent little girl to have access to her one and only Dad
03/04/21 21:11
Teagan, if I cant take the punishment of not being able to see you as a child for no reason, remember I will always love you from the stars when I was not allowed to love you here. I just can't live with the cruelty of denying someone their only child. And every second, so I could never even know what your smile looked like. That's a level of evil that I cannot live with.
30/03/21 11:29
May I beg of the Wieland family that one of you at least provide me with a reason why every second of this torture matters to you so much? Why is it so important to you that I live the nightmare of never even knowing her smile? It would help me endure your torture for longer if you could give me the reason, so it is in your best interests to let me know right? At least have the decency to give me a reason to suffer more days. Thank you so much in advance.
30/03/21 10:15
Confession: The terrible effect on my physical and mental health of having to miss every second of my only child's childhood for no reason means this is all a bit of a race against time. I do hope Teagan wants to see her Dad in time. As each day passes I feel my physical and mental capacity to withstand this relentless torture diminishing at an alarming rate. I am certain I will not make 63 years old under these conditions. Everything depends on her finding this website and wanting to have her Dad. Please help if you can before its too late x
29/03/21 09:28
Coming soon.. A family photo showing Teagan's stolen family and some information about each of them. I have avoided involving family because I needed to see if the website had the intended local effect first. My family who have been deprived of their niece and grand-daughter, are fully behind what I have done, as they too realize the impotence of the official route in the face of determined opposition.
Intend to get a little message from each of them so that they may introduce themselves to their much missed relative. Sadly for Teagan's great grandma, this moment has come too late.
28/03/21 09:00
There is a question that I can't get out of my mind the last few days. If it is truly in Teagan's best interest that she has zero contact with me till she is sixteen, then does it not follow that it would be in her best interest to have zero contact with me forever? Why would she suddenly need me at sixteen when she didn't need me before? And if so, it would seem to make sense to spare myself the agony of waiting around for 3200 days for my only child's childhood to drain away. The world needs less unnecessary pain does it not?
There seems to be a solution here that would make everyone happy, and be in my only child's very best interest too. I don't want to see what I would look like at 63 years old having suffered the worst torture its possible to endure, and I'm fairly sure Teagan wouldn't want to see that either. I would prefer my Teagan to remember me as the man with a heart who would take on the world to try and see his only little girl when it mattered most. And now it seems I have achieved that as a matter of public and official record.
I suspect the Wielands would be delighted with this possibility, leaving them to parade their then uncontested loot while wearing the illusion of respectability so cherished by those living in sought after Ashington. And a happy Wieland family means a happy childhood and life for Teagan. And Ashington would have a tale all its own to recount with pride perhaps over Sunday lunch and a glass of wine.
Perhaps even for just this reason, I must not allow this possibility to pass. But it is hard indeed to find a good reason to face the next days pain and torment.
On the other hand this Christian country with its self proclaimed values of mercy and forgiveness appears to be no place for a father who would do anything to see and know his only child. As the lights on Earth are extinguished by the encroaching blanket of darkness, the light offered by the stars becomes ever more appealing. Tricky, isn't it?
26/03/21 16:42
So very tired and drained. I have given everything I have to give. I hope I can rest in peace soon. To try and relax I watch astronomy and space videos. Anything on the Earth just hurts to look at now. All hopes rest with the stars where I can find a place with no ill intent towards me. It's the only beautiful thing I'm allowed to see.
25/03/21 13:55
I have to admit I'm a little perplexed. I have sitting in front of me, two documents from highly trustworthy sources, informing me that I have both a daughter and her name. This is the first official proof I have that she is indeed my daughter.
Furthermore, this information was offered freely by her mother, the highest authority on the matter. And to the most impeccable of witnesses in the police. Prior to my arrest I had no official recognition at all. My name isn't even on the birth certificate.
This information would have taken years to obtain through the family courts, and necessary before any other stage could proceed. There would have been usual delays too, and of course Covid delays thrown in too.
But it would appear that after just 8 days, and with no Covid delays, this information has been speedily obtained by another route. So speedily the police kindly rushed round my flat and escorted me to their less than comfortable premises to inform me. It's a strange way to notify me of the best news I have heard in 7 years, but I profoundly thank them for doing so. May I presume that the Crown too now acknowledges that Teagan is my daughter?
The last 7 years have been a continuous nightmare under the spectre and shadow of no link to my daughter whatsoever. The daily torment of knowing she would never know who I was. And now I have some faith she will find out for sure one day. I would have paid any price for this information and assurance. In some ways I have. I am for once lost for words.
24/03/21 09:05
Speaking of hands on the table, now seems as good a time as any to declare mine. After battling cluster headaches and having to re-live every moment of how my only child was stolen from me, I know I will not live long enough to see Lucy's mercy. This means I will never see my child again as things stand. And without this site, she will never know who I was, or how much I cared about her. Or to what lengths I would go to make contact with her. I'm currently facing 3200 more days of agony while my only child's childhood drains away. There's no way I can pass that limit case test of mental and physical endurance at this age with declining health. And so by circumstance and by necessity, I'm all-in on this hand. I have no more cards nor time to play. If what has been done to me was done to a mother instead, what would be the charge for that?
23/03/21 15:28
Furthermore, I kept this Wieland contact briefed with the progress of the website development. It even had the blessing of her husband (Lucy's brother), although he couldn't see how it would have any effect. I'm sure you have been told all this already, but just in case you haven't, lets play with all the cards on the table :)
23/03/21 15:03
I think now would be a good time to point out that I have been in regular communication with a Wieland family member (but not since arrest), who is caught between a rock and a hard place. I have the logs to prove it. On the one hand she is a decent soul, and been of some comfort to me while I have suffered. On the other hand she is a Wieland and trapped by family loyalties. I mention this, because at no point was it suggested to me that I might be harassing/stalking/whatever. Indeed this contact suggested I try to communicate more with Lucy than I did. That is why I was surprised about the reason for my arrest. I can show and prove that the one I (think) I'm accused of stalking (I was never actually told who) would actually be the last person on Earth I would want any more contact with than was absolutely necessary. I can't bear to look upon something that dark, much less seek further mental trauma from engaging with her. It is instead my task and ambition to get that darkness out of my mind. Not to reinforce it any further. I hope as well as asking me for my phone number, this further demolishes any motivations for silly fabrications against me, There are (or should be) more important things to do.
23/03/21 11:07
In honour of my dear Mum, who has been denied the grand daughter of her eldest son all this time, I would like to quote her favourite musician Rod Stewart as it seems appropriate in this moment. He sung "Never wait or hesitate, get in kid before it's too late, you may never get a second chance".
22/03/21 17:39
I can see why I hadn't provided the full phone call referred to in the previous post. It was hard enough programming this thing and getting the content down. The part I left out was the part that broke me. Just remembering it leaves me in pieces. As is the case right now. I never expected to have to defend myself for what has been done to me. But now that is the case, that was the moment when she finally broke my soul.
22/03/21 16:39
After going through my phone logs I have updated the History page and changed the November 2020 entry to the more precise November 23rd 2020 entry. I have put the full content of the phone call made to me after my phone number was asked for. And also revealed the human side of the effect that phone call had on me. I think for those investigating this, that it is valuable information that needs to be there. All that followed, including the pain that endures to this day, came from that terrible call. So I think now it is important to get the full picture.
21/03/21 16:00
I acknowledge I had to be a little naughty to roll the dice for a chance to know my only child. If you charge me with something for which the penalty is community service to the village I mildly inconvenienced, perhaps even the School itself. Where I could maybe after I have shown Teagan, share with the other children how to make pretty electronic lights of hope too. Or for whichever cause is most beneficial to your community, then I will plead guilty to that charge. Whichever you choose. For the reason I just gave and no other. It is the least I could do.
21/03/21 08:29
I awoke this morning to find record breaking hits for the period covering yesterday afternoon. Staggering figures, three times any previous record. So ok maybe authorities all over it, but then I looked at the front page. The number of wishes for Teagan to know her Dad jumped from 15 to 37! More than doubled! Now either authorities also wish for Teagan to see her Dad (maybe they aren't all as evil as I thought), or a large number of Ashington residents have made their support clear. Or perhaps even the unimaginable, that my own daughter hit the button to light up her world herself! Either way I'm stunned and in these difficult times seeing all those butterflies brought to life has brought some warmth to my soul. Thank you so much, it means everything to me, whoever you are.
20/03/21 21:14
Hmm. The site is indirectly muted by my bail conditions. I see lots of people are still looking but I don't think I'm going to be able to add any content for next six weeks. I got one nice article to my daughter up just before I was arrested, but now the system too wants to keep up the blackout on my daughter so I can't post anything more for her for 6 weeks. If I post how I feel it will not serve my cause. So as usual, free speech and good intentions are snuffed out, and rather than be forced to post lies or illusions I would prefer to post nothing, Come back in 6 weeks I guess. Sorry.
18/03/21 12:21
Feeling emotional and drained. I had forgotten I had limited the number of unique site visitors displayed to 50. I just checked the database itself and there's over 100. I can be fairly confident that 100 unique Ashington residents have seen the site and knows Teagan has a Dad. A good proportion of those numbers must be school related. In truth I never expected such results. I have more hope now of being able to see Teagan while still alive than I ever dreamed possible.
17/03/21 09:05
Some statistics for those following to see the effect of technology in the battle for Teagan to have her Dad:
Teagan's home page = 283 hits. Ashington page = 119 hits. History page = 119 hits. Blog page = 164 hits. Message page = 48 hits. The school has accessed the site 190 times.
The wish for Teagan to see her Dad has been pressed 13 times, and so 13 butterflies have been born on Teagan's front page.
Only a couple of members of my family muddy the statistics count slightly. The rest can all be considered to be Ashington hits. This is wonderful. There have been more unique visitors than plastic adverts laid down. Better than one-to-one hit rate per advert.
Yesterday afternoon around school closing time, there was a huge surge of activity. Perhaps Teagan's school friends have found out its only her Dad and are giving the growth a life of its own? Very happy with the progress so far. If we keep up the pressure the senseless evil of Dad stealing will have to concede soon!